I'm older than your average brony, but then I've always enjoyed cartoons. I'm an experienced reviewer, EqD pre-reader, and occasional author.
In the first year of a unified Equestria, Princess Platinum relishes her duty of raising the moon, but in all the centuries of her predecessors, none had ever reported the moon talking to them. What a wonderful, special gift, yet one given on the verge of Star Swirl’s student Luna taking over the responsibility. She won’t give it up easily.
An entry in FanOfMostEverything’s Imposing Sovereigns II contest.
Featured on Equestria Daily.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wait! Is the moon evil?
9934226
The moon itself isn't, but the things that live there are. There's an arc about that in the comics.
This was a really interesting journey to a conclusion I’m less sure about. It took me some backtracking to realize Platinum had stopped hearing the moon; presumably this means, reading the author’s note, that the spirits on the moon had been influencing her, but now she’s free from them, hence her dismissing their voice as a fantasy.
What I struggle with is why any of that happened. I thought at first that she was free from the moment she woke up after the fire, but it looks as though she’s still caught in their grip until late in that second-to-last scene, and I can’t point right away to anything that happened to change that. And that makes me wonder why any of the plot happened to begin with, what the moon stood to gain by reaching out to Platinum.
I’m perfectly willing to admit I’m missing something—please do correct me if I am.
Regardless, I very much enjoyed the bulk of this. The buildup to paranoia was so unsettling, and the dream sequences harrowing. Thanks for writing!
9938971
The pain of the fire did momentarily jar Platinum into recovering her feelings for those she cares about, but it didn't free her from the Nightmare influence. The idea is that Platinum was right about only a few ponies being able to form a connection with the moon, though the ones who do are already among the socially elite, since they naturally would have been Chosen and enchantresses. So it's been following the traditional rituals throughout the centuries and inhabiting the one or two who can make that connection in each generation (the moon did say there aren't many). It's finally gotten into royalty, at least of a single tribe, which would seem like the best possible situation for it, but Luna's the wild card. It never knew something like her could exist, so it would have readily taken the chance to trade up, but it more or less gets forced over due to Luna's oblivious offer to take on her burden. It's not complaining though, and as we know, it eventually uses her to make its play to take over everything. Does that make sense?
The mechanism for how that works and why it wipes Platinum's memory come in the story I've marked as a sequel (keyed by the exact phrasing Luna used), but that isn't important for the purposes of this story.
9934549 In later comics Nightmare Moon's Fiendship is Magic they kind of squared the circle by making it that the moon-spirits were not evil originally, and it was actually Luna/Nightmare Moon who corrupted them. Great story by the way, I really love how you paint the rituals of old unicornia.
9939364
Yes, you're right about the comics arc, but I didn't want to complicate it too much for people who haven't read it. Any readers who find that concept interesting should check it out from the source.
9939376 Fair enough, sorry to be pedantic.
Interesting that you made made the moon a single voice, rather than a chorus. Given the fate of Celadon, I wonder how many other unicorns have been chosen like this in the past.
9939450
No, you weren't being pedantic. I'm just going for the simplest version of the explanation, but anybody interested should definitely read the comics for themselves.
My idea of it is that there's only one or two unicorns per generation who can hear the moon like this, and it's just chance what position they occupy. Some may never even discover they have the ability, and the moon may go for long periods of time without anyone, as the voice hints was the case before Platinum. As to the one voice, I did consider making it a chorus, and maybe that would have been clearer, but I settled on it being a single spokesperson or all in unison, and so indistinguishable from a single voice.
9939510 Oh, very cool.
Fascinating. I never said anything about a prequel to another story. There's a touch of cosmic horror here, of the siren song of forces beyond mortal comprehension, whose unfathomable agendas and means cross paths but rarely with those beings such as us.
My biggest issues are Hurricane and Puddinghead. They seem surprisingly bad at their jobs, and Platinum surprisingly good at them. I suppose it may have been lunar influence, but it still struck me as odd. Plus, the threat of Smart Cookie never really goes anywhere.
Still, some excellent stuff throughout, with nicely ominous overtones for what the Moon will do to Luna given time. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
9943677
Yeah, Smart Cookie is a minor obstacle. If only you'd set the word limit to 15738. :B
I took Puddinghead and Hurricane's portrayals from the Hearth's Warming play as more or less historically accurate, but I could see how that'd make a comic overtone that belied the gravity of what was going on.
Greedy
I wrote a critique/review of this story. It can be found right over here. If you have any questions or comments, I love discussing them.
Some minor typos I found, that did not warrant mentioning in a review:
For a while there at the start, I was thinking she was going to pull a reverse Sokka. :V
10286046
It's been so long since I saw the show that I don't remember what that would be...
10286575
When the moon turns into your girlfriend. V: I got brewing love triangle senses in the early bits.
Good story!
Nice story.
10286798
I just got to this episode. :(
Enchantresses are to unicorns what arc welders are to humans, I guess.
10947669
Similar, yes, though the context I learned that practice from is aircraft handlers wearing hearing protection.
10949031
I learned about gentle pressure from a Union Pacific safety training video called "The Days Of Our Years." Needless to say that particular passage gave me a giggle.
https://clip-share.net/video/Khl-C4Izn3Y/mst3k-the-days-of-our-years.html
On another note, did you intend to draw a contrast between the sisterly relationship between Not-Rarity and Not-Sweetie Belle and that of Luna and Celestia? Where Luna was willing to accept that Celestia was her mortal enemy, Platinum resisted the compulsion to see Pallas as her enemy. Was the bond between the unicorn sisters stronger than that of the alicorn sisters, or did the moon creatures just not have as much time to work their magic on Platinum as they did on Luna?
10949251
I hadn't intended to draw a parallel, but one could certainly exist. Celestia barely appears in the story, so I didn't take any time investigating her character, but there's definitely a connection Platinum and Luna share in their reverence for the moon ceremony.