You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

What If they're real?

About two close friends, who hear a strange noise while out at night. What is it? What will they do?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 1 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 1
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Feurisson

Feurisson #1 · Aug 24th, 2012 · · ·

Again, an interesting idea, but there are some things that keep me from enjoying this story.
For example, the entire thing is very rushed. You need to expand on your descriptions. Start by answering the questions "Where?", "When?", "Who?" and "Why?". You said it was a colt "trudging through the Everfree forest", but you don't describe the surroundings at all. How does the Everfree look like? And what sorts of plants are growing there? Describe what the colt is seeing, so your readers can get a picture of where he is and what's happening.
Also, we don't even get to know anything about the colt. Is he a pegasus? A unicorn? Wat colour does his coat and mane have? What about his friend?
Also, there isn't any transition between the first two scenes. Why are they suddenly playing board games? Where are they playing board games? Did they leave the forest and went home?
You need to provide your readers with that kind of information, or else they'll get confused and frustrated and might stop reading. Your grammar seems to have improved, but there are still some mistakes.
I'll suggest taking a look at other stories of more famous authors to get a few ideas on how you can improve your writing skills.