(Rated Teen just to be safe about it. Takes place before Season 9)
Author's note: THIS GOT FEATURED!? NANI!? (2/5/19) Thank you all! Have a Pinkie hug! Also thanks to the people who've pointed out grammar mistakes, I am not perfect unfortunately.
My name's Sun Glow. I'm a Pegasus working at the Baltimare Weather Department because that's the only place that will take me. The only thing people care about is that I look like a Pegasus version Princess Celestia and I hate it! Day in, Day out, getting mistaken for her, getting comments about it, being denied jobs because of it and a lot of accusations of being a Changeling. I hate it! I want it changed but nopony can change but there's one pony that probably can: the Princess herself.
I never asked for this look and I've had it since birth. But all I know right now is that if the Princess can't change it, nopony can.
Congrats! You get a like.
You get a fav and a like.
Now do one of Luna.
I like this story.
I haven't read one like this before.
I would love to read more about Sun Glow, so I do hope you write more about her.
Huh.. This was a really nice story.
Should have a second chapter as an ignorant noble theorizes that Celestia is an extreme narcissist.
An interesting concept with decent execution, but your grammar and sentence structure could use some work.
Decent story.
However, it does have a problem of telling rather than showing and some sentences are clunky.
But, still an enjoyable read.
This was nice.
It could use some polish, but all in all a very nice concept.
EXTRA! EXTRA! Princess Celestia is training her look-alike illegitimate daughter to replace her as Solar Diarch!
Who is Celly Jr's father?
When will Celly Jr formally take the throne?
Is Princess Celestia retiring, or is sickness to blame for steeping down?
Read all about it in CANTERLOT TIMES exclusive story!
"...and, I took her with me on her first official royal business trip. We visited all the businesses that denied her employment because of discrimination due to appearance, and levied on them a very hefty fine which will make them think twice about doing so again. What can I say? The law is the law..."
Very................ Extreme shifts but good overall.
Ok here you have a "a" that should not be there and a repetition of concept though as it is narrated by the protagonist it's possible that this is an error on her part.
remove [even though Celestia's mane is not really ethereal as it is opaque, Luna's mane is a better example of ethereal mane]
Hasbro be like:
I like the idea, but to be honest, the writing feels too rushed in my eyes to make any of her actions convincing. With the pacing this fast, Sun Glow sounds mostly just like a whiny little girl to me, switching between moods in a heartbeat, and should simply dye her mane and be done with it.
I find it hard to believe people wouldn’t hire a pony at all, just because she looks like the princess.
It throws the story for me. I could see the rest of it okay, but what does her looking like everyone’s favorite pony have do with her work ethic.
9600831
You'd be amazed how many people deny applicants for the dumbest of reasons, I can certainly see many reasons for why the short-sighted dummies wouldn't hire her, about 99% of them being stupid but still thoughts that very much are alike to some that come up in real life.
9600831
It's because it'd be like sacrilege or something to see your own GOD doing dirty work, like landscaping, or carpentry.
9600629
Its stated she tried that, but it had no effect.
Punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, and flow issues really drag this down. It's a solid concept, and it's clear you have the capacity, but the actual writing feels downright scrambled.
PLS DO SEQUEL
9600879
If it was Celestia herself sure. But anybody who looks for longer than a second can tell that it’s definitely not her, seeing as she is much shorter and also lacks a horn.
9601157
Here's the problem, you're using LOGIC. Religion is NOT logical.
....Now I want to see the "Chronicles of Sun Glow: Celestia's Assistant" any way you can do that?
I like the concept, but I agree that there are a few issues you should look to tackle in the future.
Generally, it isn't a good idea to begin your story with a six paragraph info dump. All of the information conveyed can be revealed piecemeal during Sun Glow's conversation with Celestia (some of it already is, making the introductory segment especially redundant), and it keeps readers from entering the actual meat of the story right away because they have to slog through hundreds of words of exposition. Sun Glow's conversation is the whole point of the story, use it to reveal to your readers all of the relevant information you think we need. Don't front load it.
Next, when a character finishes speaking there must always be some form of punctuation before the final quotation mark. You use question marks and exclamation points correctly, but neglect situations that demand a comma or period. If the sequence following character dialogue relates in some way to their speech, use a comma.
The [an] is mine. It is missing in the actual sentence.
If the following sequence does not relate to the character's dialogue, like a separate action, use a period and capitalize the first letter.
There are also multiple tense changes within the story. It begins in past tense but shifts to present tense repeatedly. A few examples:
It's important to keep the tense consistent throughout the story unless you're doing it on purpose for some specific effect, which is hardly ever necessary.
And that's mostly what I wanted to cover. Tense consistency and correct punctuation is fundamental, but the big takeaway? Keep large pieces of exposition at a minimum. Big dumps like that can push readers away. Instead, let the action of the story convey to us all of the necessary info you think we need, whether that be through a character's internal monologue, dialogue, or descriptive narration. Other hang ups, like a story's pacing and sentence structure, can be solved by practice and study (i.e. reading), and you write a lot, so I think you're in a good place.
On the whole, good job. Keep it up!
9601228
I agree, would love to see something like that.
9601157
I remember a long time ago of a dude wandering around and being kind and nice, that looked like Jesus Christ. He never said what his name was, but people treated him all over the spectrum, from outright trying to hurt him, to praising him as a/the messiah and following him around for a bit. I believe that he just walked off one day and disappeared but the thing is, logical or not, people act the way they want to based upon who they are, their upbringing, their 'social life' and more. People can be generous, give chances, or even be like "oh hey, cool dude. Y'look like <name.>"
9600879
Which is pretty funny considering Jesus was a carpenter
9601364
Wait what?
9601436
Yup, He was indeed.
9600102
Yes. Second this.
Also, who is the person with fat fingers? Who can't land them on the upvote button properly?
Either that or we have a troll who downvotes friendly comments saying "Good story, thank you!"
9600453
This is really good. Any chance of a sequel?
i kinda expected it to end with celestia hiring her to be a double and send her to all the boring meetings she doesn't want to go to
9601830
It would happen if this is with a 'comedy' tag.
Brutaly honest opinion here, I don't get why this was featured... Grammar issues, writing structure, and repetitive dialog/descriptions aside, what is this story about? "Make friends with people that look like you", "If you look like an important political figure you'll be shunned until you talk to said figure and get an easy job for looking like them" I'm not sure what the point is... Just another, "Celestia wishes she could be a normal pony" story with a different paint job. I kinda think the "Look-a-like" idea has merit but I don't think this was done all that well...
9601436
Yeah, or at least his dad was, which in those days pretty much guaranteed he knew a good chunk of the trade. My personal favorite bit is that Jesus once found people using the church to get money, and he literally flipped a table and chased them out with a bullwhip. There's Ren paintings of it and everything.
I haven't been involved in christianity since I was 15, but it's amazing what you can wander across.
Not a bad story, but you really need to figure out which tense you’re writing in. You keep jumping between past and present tense. To be honest, I’m not quite sure WHY people use present tense, especially when it’s difficult for most to write, and frankly doesn’t do anything that can’t be done just as well in past tense.
Well, this one deserves a fav. A pretty unique idea.
9601909
Hah, nice.
9601973
Present tense is good for action and tension, but as you said, it's difficult to use correctly.
This is gold! And it's much closer to the spirit of the show then most fanfiction.
Somehow, Princess Celestia doesn’t sound... princessy enough, if that makes sense.
I think my subconscious is too used to her using more complicated words and speaking in a subtly regal manner that you don’t notice until it’s gone.
9601904
The featured box doesn’t rate by quality, that’s for sure.
Still don’t know how it picks stories, though.
i call bullshit twilight could not come up with a spell to help sun glow
Simple short story, no over-dramatized questions, just a slice of life with a simple setting and a simple awnser.
Easy to read, easy to enjoy, it's perfect.
Well, Twilight will probably be left drooling at the thought of /two/ Celestias. Its probably one of her secret fantasies...
9601263
Thank you for your constructive criticism. I realize I am not a perfect author by any means and despite my efforts, I miss some really obvious spots. And I'd like to think that I will improve on future stories and feedback has pointed out some things to definitely improve when it comes to grammar and story structure. In all honesty, I'm surprised the story actually got featured at all for the amount of mistakes I saw looking back now.
9600181
I mean...it's not like there's already fuel to that fire. I'm not sure but I swear there may have been a story pointing out Celestia being a full-blown narcissist.
9600501
Honestly, was debating putting the Alternate Universe tag just for that line alone. In all honesty, I always thought before Season 9 that Celestia and Luna's retirement would have been a bit more down the line.
9601680
Maybe. One one hand It'd be a great chance to fix some things I feel are holes in the story looking back. Like say, how do Sun Glow's parents feel about this? How does Sun Glow actually interact with other ponies other than Princess Celestia? Or why exactly did Celestia choose to hire Sun Glow based on just one meeting? On the other hand, I wonder if I'd just be falling into an "Unnecessary sequel" trap by making one. In short, I am considering making one but at this point, the jury's still out.
This is amazing! Well done!
Not bad