Horse-words writer believing in the Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, creatively crafting stories in imitation of a creatively crafting God. Consider this: Are you sure you're going to Heaven?
Sight See hasn't always been an admin assistant in some inter-dimensional embassy. Unlike his benign work these days, his first visit to Equestria as a college intern went off the rails and out of his comfort zone. However, it got him to where he was today.
So he tells the story of how he didn't die during his Equestrian internship.
Entry for Shrink Laureate's Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest. Thanks to Orbiting Kettle for the much-needed brainstorming sessions!
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Does the portal not work properly anymore? Or did Twilight make a new portal that doesn't transform travelers?
Okay, that answers my question from the previous chapter. I really need to learn to restrain my questions.
Well, this should prove interesting. A few grammar flubs and awkwardly structured sentences, but nothing that detracts from my enjoyment. Let's see where this goes!
This looks promising. Look forward to more.
Feels like an alternate u if the ending of Magical Curiosity was different.
9498373
Well, thank you for joining in on the ride! Just for clarity: this will be rather short since all valid entries to the contest have to be 20,000 words or fewer.
9501314
Yeah, it kind of does, but that's mostly because of the cards I had in play for this entry. It just so happened that a story like this fits my cards well—or was it the other way around? I'm not sure myself.
Don't worry. You'll suffocate or burn to death long before you drown.
In any case, this should definitely be fun. You do have some overelaborate sentences, especially given the anecdotal framing devoce, but I'm looking forward to more.
9503562
I hope it'll be fun, too!
As for the overelaborate sentences: That's something that I need to cull, not just because it doesn't make much sense for someone tipsy to go that far, but also for the contest's 20,000-word limit. Thank you and Eroraf for pointing it out!
All approval stamps to the Paperlord! Bureaucracies quiver at his approach, and red tape trails his every step!
In any case, Sight may just prove his worth... or exacerbate an international incident. We'll soon see.
9507204
Given that he's alive to tell his story, I'm sure it will only be a tiny incident.
Mirror pool? I'm sorry, but what the actual hay?
Yarg, so much rhyming!
As opposed to what he was doing in the Dragonlands.
Are you sure? I can almost hear the slur in some of the narrative phrasing.
See what I mean?
9533574
Yeah, I should've kept track of that. Doesn't sound good to me.
That was me trying to put in some bits of unreliable narrator (but only in the insignifcant details like that). That means the slurred speech was intentional, hopefully getting more obvious as the story goes on. I guess I didn't do a good job there either.
I had a bad feeling about the rhymes. I honestly didn't have much to go on except for RhymeZone. I just hoped it'd at least be passable—besides, if there's zebras, some kind of rhyming has to take place.
That got a little incoherent near the end, and not just because of Sight's increasing intoxication. (Also, "I's" is not an acceptable contraction of "I was" no matter how drunk you are. Knock it off.) Still, this was a fun tale of escalating insanity and the power of determination in the face of Murphy.
That said, I do have to wonder: Where do the other ends of those new portals emerge? If they all end up coming out of the CHS statue, there will be some serious traffic jams in the future.
Best of luck in the judging.
9558302
I admit a big chunk of it is because I was aware I was reaching the 20,000 word limit while writing those final chapters and I forced myself to cram things up so I could at least qualify. I should've known that that strategy would never work well—or that I should've planned things from the very beginning.
What's worse, I can't even say that I was trying to be innovative. A quick Google search would've net me some good thoughts on what I's really is and that it isn't in good taste. How I never thought of searching that while writing those chapters stumps me now.
Overall, thank you for the feedback. I'll try to learn from it. I also apologize for being a disappointment with how this story ended up. Now that I think about it, it could've been a lot better. Shame, a decent idea wasted.
9559839
It's definitely salvageable. Once you don't have that word limit hanging over your head, you can can uncrumple the story to something quite nice. And even as is, it's still an enjoyably chaotic read.
9559853
Well, thank you for that. In fact, I've just finished polishing up the whole thing. It couldn't be completely polished because of the word limit (and because I honestly want to have at least a long shot in the contest), but this will certainly be something I'll take coming into my next story.
Also, I left one question unanswered:
With the mention of portal networks somewhere in the story, they'd emerge in other places, preferably flat walls in public spaces and, later on, proper portals Stargate-style (but nice enough to fit in, say, a park or an airport).
Again, thank you for your feedback! I hope I won't disappoint again.
This was entertaining to say the least. The story was all over the place in terms of where the main character travels. But his interactions with Equestrian culture is entertaining especially with Ember bossing him around. Though I appreciate how this story is a guy giving advice to someone who has a hard time with his job by telling his somewhat questionable and hilarious backstory.
However, the ending felt confusing to me as I didn't understand what was happening. And I can't remember, and unfortunately even bother, to remember the main character's name as it felt like a human in Equestria story despite clearly being not.
Overall, a good read for laughs at the expense of this character.
Wait I just remembered. His name's Sight See. Okay I'll retract my statement of the main character being forgettable.
9634546
Thank you for that. I do agree that the ending is very rushed, but everything else about this story had an element of being rushed, honestly... which shouldn't be since I had about a few days to at least comb the story over before the deadline. I don't have any excuse there.
9522107
Yeah, this chapter just doesn't make sense to me. Everyone seems to be jerking him about to do something while speaking in the most frustratingly convoluted manner possible.
Looking back halfway through the story things seem to shift a bit, and Ember's attitude towards him with it. It seems like she no longer takes her previous stance on "human stuff" and it being useful for advancing dragons, rather seeming to just view the protagonist as an annoyance or tagalong. In the first half it seems that Ember is going to be a respectable, if gruff, boss but in the latter half she doesn't seem to much care about him or why he's there. That, and he really seems like he was only there to be there.
In the end it looks like his whole trip wasn't worth the time, so having him being pulled back in against his will despite Ember not actually living up to expectations at all makes for an unhappy and dissatisfying ending. I'd say making the second half of the story more like the first would be the best way to improve it as a whole.
9688874
Now that you pointed it out, the shift in Ember's attitude does become evident... and jarring, actually. Looks like that's another thing I have to learn from this one: keep a character's view of another's the same if there's no real cause for change there. With me pretty much dragging characters around just to advance the storyline, I also should've at least made viable reasons for why they're going around, not the excuses I've made in this story as is.
Thank you for your kind feedback. I am deeply sorry that you had to witness such a disappointing story. I plan to take the feedback and hope that my future writings won't be so bad.
9742928
Its not terrible, the first half-ish part is pretty good.
9742929
That's the thing though. The first half looks attractive, but then it leads off to a rather shoddy second half. For someone like me who highly values carefully picking what fic to read next, it becomes a bad bite you can't take back: time wasted for the hopeful reader. The average reader would be better off not reading it all if they don't want to be disappointed.
Perhaps we disagree on how good this story actually is, that maybe I'm just being so hard on myself about it. Either way, thank you for being as positive about it as you can.