Blanc

Source

A story of Slendermane, a slenderpony as he awakes, devoid of reason or purpose which hastily leads to a chance meeting with a young miss.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

BakaMacntosh

BakaMacntosh #1 · Aug 5th, 2012 · · · Lush earth ·

Hi everyone...I'm new to this whole scene, written up a few drafts so please tear me anew one when going through this chap, pick at every last thing

Destructorspace

Destructorspace #2 · Aug 7th, 2012 · · · Lush earth ·

At the very beginning, you start with

I awoke
Once, I remember awakening....

Then, when he/it kills the bird or whatever, you call it a bird out of the blue, instead of the screaming object like before. And again when he/it was trying to go to sleep.

MikeDave

MikeDave #3 · Aug 7th, 2012 · · · Scorched embers ·

This story pleases me.....

Destructorspace

Destructorspace #4 · Aug 7th, 2012 · · · Scorched embers ·

Interesting take, amnesiac/newborn Slender.

On to minor critiquing:
As a rule of thumb, make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. I don't think its an actual rule, but it is a convention that makes everything a bit more readable.
Look back over the story, in some places it went a bit too quickly. The main instance I'm thinking of is the bandaging of his hoof. You jump from him cowering to getting a second or third wrapping of bandages.

BakaMacntosh