- Member Since 13th May, 2017
- offline last seen 38 minutes ago
Spider-Mane Noir
"I don't understand it, but I will."
Spider-Mane Noir
Joined 13th May, 2017 ·
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Suddenly from the other side of the door came the sound of a muffled voice.
—
Despite a few awkward bits, quite a nice little story you have. I'll be sharing it to some friends to come and peruse. Please, continue.
9320473
Woops, let me just fix that real quick!
An interesting start to a new story. It read well for the most part, with almost no errors, so that was enjoyable. But some details, or the lack thereof in other places did not sit well with me.
Small correction:
He decided to head home and turn in early.
Now to the comments and criticism:
Why are you describing Big Mac heads for a hayburger and crashes into Spike? Nothing else happens, at least nothing that seems to have any relevance. Why would him bumping into Spike cause him not to have time for the planned hayburger anymore? Has that taken so long? If so, it should be described clearly.
Big Mac blacks out by seeing himself in the mirror? From the story, it's clear that at that point he was already female, but there was no hint that that caused him to black out. Maybe you could make that part abit more mysterious or dramatic? Maybe like this:
Extending from Big Mac’s body was a limb far too slender to be his own. He lowered his leg again and shook his head to try and clear his mind. Intending to head for the door again, he suddenly glimpsed something else at the edge of his vision that seemed off. He turned and saw his own reflection in the mirror on the wall. What he saw there made him stare wide-eyed for two secons... and then pass out.As you see I did not change anything big, just an additional word here and there, a detail more (wher was the mirror?) some rephrasing to make the scene clearer and a hint what made him pass out.
As for the story in general:
The topic of the story is interesting, but it feels too flat and simple because it lacks depth and more detailed descriptions.
Why was Spike getting stuff from Dr. Whooves for Twilight? Why him, and what stuff exactly? The way it is described it doesn't seem to matter much or tie into the story in any relevant way. Maybe play Dr. Whooves play a little role in person? Either describe more about Spike and what he got, and more about Dr. Whooves' place so the reader can picture the scene, and/or describe the crash with Spike more dramatically, or maybe awkwardly...
Also at the end of this chapter to make the scene more plastic maybe consider to think what exactly Twilight was working on so hard this time to cause her to stay up two days. Describing it and make it feel like it matters would help the story to some debth to make it more captivating.
Also you could describe the transformation scene more in detail, and the next day ad some thoughts and emotions of Big Mac, and more impressions of how he looked and viewed him/herself. Would'nt he be scared or awkward or ashamed to go into town any be seen - any maybe recognized? Maybe add some internal dialogue.
In most unwilling gender transformation stories the switch in pronouns is immediate, just like in this one. But would Big Mac think of himself as a she just like that? No. I went through transiton myself. It took me, friends and family months to switch to female pronouns, both out of habbit and the time it takes to ajust to the change in identity.
Now, those comments are not meant as negative criticism, but more as suggesions what you could change to help the story grip the reader's attention and make the story flow better.
Will track this and see how it goes. Has sent issues but has some potential.
9320550
I'm going to be perfectly honest: this story was written kind of spur of the moment so I didn't really think some stuff through. I added that beginning section because I felt like I needed some set up for what Spike and Twilight were doing and world build as it were, but, yeah it was kinda unnecessary.
"... the next day ad some thoughts and emotions of Big Mac, and more impressions of how he looked and viewed him/herself. Would'nt he be scared or awkward or ashamed to go into town any be seen - any maybe recognized? Maybe add some internal dialogue." I'm planning to go into this a bit more in the next chapter. Right now it is still the same night/really early morning and he hasn't had a lot of time to think.
As for the pronoun thing I tried to only use she when I specifically referred to Big Mac as a mare and only from the narrator's perspective.
But anyway, thanks for comment! Suggestions for improvement are always welcome.
Interesting story, I like it.
So... chapter 2 when?
This was great! Please please do more on it!! I mean you can't leave readers on a cliffhanger like that.
That's sad to see. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Also, you generally aren't supposed to release chapters that are empty—you might want to make this a blog post with the story tagged.
So it was cancelled after all. Well, I will go take a look at your new story then. Thanks for the notice.
Can I finish this story for yeah?