“Bye Big Mac!” Called Applebloom, waving to her brother. She, Applejack, and Granny Smith were headed off on a two-week trip to Appaloosa and Big Macintosh had been chosen to stay behind to look after the farm. He waved back as their train chugged off. As it disappeared he turned and trotted back to Sweet Apple Acres.
Most of Big Mac’s chores were done for the day, so he considered what he might do with the little daylight that remained. About an hour later the last bushel of apples was loaded into the barn and he headed into town. Maybe he could grab a hayburger or something while it was still light enough to see. He rounded a corner past Dr. Whooves’ workshop and crashed into a small purple dragon carrying a stack of tools and parts nearly twice his size.
“Ow! Oh hey Big Mac,” said Spike, crawling out of the pile of junk
“Ya need help with that?” asked Big Mac, gesturing towards the collection of machine parts.
“Sure! Thanks!” replied Spike, relieved to have some help.
“So, what’s all this for?” Macintosh inquired as they turned down the road to the castle his friend called home.
“Twilight’s working on another project and she sent me out to get more supplies,” the dragon answered with a hint of irritation in his voice, “She’s been up for like two days and refuses to take a break. You know how she gets when she’s obsessed.”
“Eeyup.” Applejack acted similarly when she was stressed. Eventually the two of them reached the castle and Spike took back the machinery he’d been sent to collect.
“Thanks for the help Big Mac! I should probably get back to Twilight before she blows herself up or something.”
Big Mac turned to leave and realized that the sun was much lower than he’d expected.
“No time fer that hayburger then Ah guess,” He decided to head home and turn in early. Tomorrow would be busy without the others to help.
Luna’s moonlight was shining in through the window. It was early fall so Big Mac had left it partially open and a light wind was blowing into the room. A little after midnight Mac awoke to a mild discomfort in his stomach. It felt like something he’d eaten earlier was trying to come back up. He got up and headed to the bathroom down the hall as the feeling of nausea began to increase.
“Hrrrk!” he put a hoof to his belly as he stepped up to the toilet. Mentally he was grateful that Granny had finally consented to indoor plumbing, so he didn’t have to clean up the henhouse outside his window tomorrow. After heaving his guts out, he felt a bit better. Assuming the worst was over he turned away and began to wonder what he could have eaten to make himself sick.
“Ah guess it’s a good thing Ah didn’t… “
“Aaaargh!” Big Mac fell to the floor suddenly racked with pain. His insides twisted and mashed like he was being run through a juicer. With a sickening crunch, the bones in his limbs reformed and his muscles warped as his body slowly altered itself. He tried call for help, in the vain hope that somepony, Anypony, would be near enough to do something. But no words came out, replaced by a choking sound as his throat constricted and his muzzle compressed. His whole face felt like it was being pressed inwards.
Finally, after nearly five minutes of pain and thrashing about on the floor, it suddenly ended. For a short while Big Mac just lay there, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Eventually he tried to stand. His first attempt ended with a collision with the floor but another try saw him up on his, admittedly shaky, hooves. Something felt off as he staggered out of the bathroom. He reached up a hoof to open the door (he’d closed it out of habit) and froze. Extending from Big Mac’s body was a limb far too slender to be his. He lowered his leg and shook his head to try and clear his mind. Suddenly he noticed movement in the room with him. He turned his head in the direction of the motion only to see nothing but his own reflection in the mirror. He stared for about two seconds… and then passed out.
Big Macintosh couldn’t have said how long he was unconscious for. It could have been minutes, or it could have been hours. His entire body trembling, he stood up once more, and once more he looked in the mirror. There, staring back at him, was the unmistakable face of a mare. He turned his head, so did she.
“What the buck,” He said in a whisper, trying to comprehend what he was seeing. Big Mac’s head started to spin, and his breathing sped up.
“Oh, Celestia this ain’t happening,” a distinctly feminine voice came from his mouth.
“WAKE UP!” He cried while delivering a massive blow to his face with his forelimb. But this accomplished nothing but leaving a bruise.
“What the hay do Ah do?” The stallion, now mare, sat on the floor desperately trying to think of some sort of explanation for her predicament.
“Ah know! Twilight… Twilight’ll know what ta do!” If anypony could figure out what was going on and how to fix it, it was the princess!
About ten minutes later a loud knocking was heard at the door of the Castle of Friendship. After a moment the it was answered by a very worn-out looking Spike. Outside was a red earth-pony mare he didn’t recognize.
“Spike! Thank Celestia!” The mare cried out in relief, “Ah need Twilight’s help!”
The young dragon rubbed his eyes and groaned.
“Miss, the Princess is kinda busy right now. Could it wait until tomorrow?” he grinned hopefully.
“Spike, it’s me! It’s Big Mac! Ah got turned inta a mare!” The strange pony said, completely seriously. Spikes eyes widened, and an incredibly forced smile formed on his face.
“Riiight! Well, uh, ‘Big Mac’ you wait here and I’ll just go and tell Twilight right away,” With that he slammed the door and bolted it shut.
“Yeesh. What a wierdo,” Spike began to walk away, “I’ll have to tell Big Mac about this next time I see him.”
Suddenly from the other side of the door came the sound of a muffled voice.
“Wait! Spike Ah’m serious, it really me! Ah can prove it”
“Uh huh.” He muttered, not even looking back.
“Remember that time we were playin’ Ogres and Oubliettes and yah drank Discord’s cider by accident?”
Spike froze. How did she…?
“Remember what yah said about Rarity? Yah said that…,” Before the sentence could be completed Spike zoomed to the door and slammed his claw over her mouth.
“Okay! Okay! I believe you! Just please stop!”
“So what happened?” Spike and Big Mac were walking down one of the castles many hallways to Twilight Sparkle’s laboratory.
“Ah don’t really know,” Mac replied slowly, still getting used to the sound of his own voice, “That’s why Ah need to see the princess.”
The two turned a corner to see a large metal door. As they approached it, it flew open with a burst of smoke. Out of the cloud stumbled a purple alicorn wielding a fire extinguisher and hacking up a lung.
“*cough* Spike! It didn’t work!” The Princess of Friendship brushed some soot out of her coat, “Oh, well! On to attempt number 234!” She smiled and turned to the young dragon and stopped.
“Um, Spike? Who is this?”
Suddenly from the other side of the door came the sound of a muffled voice.
—
Despite a few awkward bits, quite a nice little story you have. I'll be sharing it to some friends to come and peruse. Please, continue.
9320473
Woops, let me just fix that real quick!
An interesting start to a new story. It read well for the most part, with almost no errors, so that was enjoyable. But some details, or the lack thereof in other places did not sit well with me.
Small correction:
He decided to head home and turn in early.
Now to the comments and criticism:
Why are you describing Big Mac heads for a hayburger and crashes into Spike? Nothing else happens, at least nothing that seems to have any relevance. Why would him bumping into Spike cause him not to have time for the planned hayburger anymore? Has that taken so long? If so, it should be described clearly.
Big Mac blacks out by seeing himself in the mirror? From the story, it's clear that at that point he was already female, but there was no hint that that caused him to black out. Maybe you could make that part abit more mysterious or dramatic? Maybe like this:
Extending from Big Mac’s body was a limb far too slender to be his own. He lowered his leg again and shook his head to try and clear his mind. Intending to head for the door again, he suddenly glimpsed something else at the edge of his vision that seemed off. He turned and saw his own reflection in the mirror on the wall. What he saw there made him stare wide-eyed for two secons... and then pass out.
As you see I did not change anything big, just an additional word here and there, a detail more (wher was the mirror?) some rephrasing to make the scene clearer and a hint what made him pass out.
As for the story in general:
The topic of the story is interesting, but it feels too flat and simple because it lacks depth and more detailed descriptions.
Why was Spike getting stuff from Dr. Whooves for Twilight? Why him, and what stuff exactly? The way it is described it doesn't seem to matter much or tie into the story in any relevant way. Maybe play Dr. Whooves play a little role in person? Either describe more about Spike and what he got, and more about Dr. Whooves' place so the reader can picture the scene, and/or describe the crash with Spike more dramatically, or maybe awkwardly...
Also at the end of this chapter to make the scene more plastic maybe consider to think what exactly Twilight was working on so hard this time to cause her to stay up two days. Describing it and make it feel like it matters would help the story to some debth to make it more captivating.
Also you could describe the transformation scene more in detail, and the next day ad some thoughts and emotions of Big Mac, and more impressions of how he looked and viewed him/herself. Would'nt he be scared or awkward or ashamed to go into town any be seen - any maybe recognized? Maybe add some internal dialogue.
In most unwilling gender transformation stories the switch in pronouns is immediate, just like in this one. But would Big Mac think of himself as a she just like that? No. I went through transiton myself. It took me, friends and family months to switch to female pronouns, both out of habbit and the time it takes to ajust to the change in identity.
Now, those comments are not meant as negative criticism, but more as suggesions what you could change to help the story grip the reader's attention and make the story flow better.
Will track this and see how it goes. Has sent issues but has some potential.
9320550
I'm going to be perfectly honest: this story was written kind of spur of the moment so I didn't really think some stuff through. I added that beginning section because I felt like I needed some set up for what Spike and Twilight were doing and world build as it were, but, yeah it was kinda unnecessary.
"... the next day ad some thoughts and emotions of Big Mac, and more impressions of how he looked and viewed him/herself. Would'nt he be scared or awkward or ashamed to go into town any be seen - any maybe recognized? Maybe add some internal dialogue." I'm planning to go into this a bit more in the next chapter. Right now it is still the same night/really early morning and he hasn't had a lot of time to think.
As for the pronoun thing I tried to only use she when I specifically referred to Big Mac as a mare and only from the narrator's perspective.
But anyway, thanks for comment! Suggestions for improvement are always welcome.
Interesting story, I like it.
So... chapter 2 when?
This was great! Please please do more on it!! I mean you can't leave readers on a cliffhanger like that.