- Member Since 24th May, 2015
- offline last seen 43 minutes ago
The_11th_doctor
I am a novice author. Big fan of fan fiction and My little pony.
The_11th_doctor
Joined 24th May, 2015 ·
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INTERESTED TO SE WHERE THIS GOES
good chapter.
Not to sound critical, but at the end
you might have forgotten that they met already,
So I think u might have needed to put like spike having an epiphany remembering twilight's name. Unless u did it on purpose.
Just curious here but are Starlight Glimmer, the Young Six, Tempest Shadow, and Skystar gonna be in this story?
9318936
No spoilers
9318854
Sorry bout that, i fixed it up a little bit. I hope you enjoy the rest of the chapters
Mrs.?
Adopted?
9808540
Thanks for pointing that out to me i will fix that right away
9808545
yeah he was adopted. it will be explained furthur in the story
you REALLY need to separate story telling from dialog, it look horrible the way it is now ...
9810897
Thank you for the recommendation on my setup for the story. I will give it some thought on if I should or not.
9811120
look at all the high quality stories here and see how dialogs are done then tell me if you should or not change it
9811514
I am not trying to make this story "High-Quality". This is here for whoever wants to read it. If I wanted to make it like the rest of the storys that you want to point out, then I would have. But I did not want to.
9811514
9812734
But I do see your point. it is a little uneasy to see. I might make a few changes to the dialogue and set up
9808545
Yep, Spike was adopted, the next chapter will go more into detail about it.
I see a little TwiSpike moment is starting early in this chapter. You sir got me hooked.
Might have to change that sword.
9858176
Just trying to do my best with my favorite ships.
9858223
We will see. i don't know what to do yet with spike
Ok you got me, now I want to read more. And nice choice on the pic for the girls.
9865176
Thank you, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far
are all the weapons going to be the same in the picture if so what are all of the names of them and who they belong to.
ps: I kinda like the current sword spike has now.
9871806
I still haven’t figured that out. And the sword, it’s gonna have more of an aspect than the picture shows. And concerning the girls, I also don’t know.
9871811
ok the sword kinda reminds me of a keyblade though
9871818
Oh. I just realized it did look like one. Thanks for pointing that out. I’m thinking the sword would have a type of sword art, but also have the ability to hide itself
9871828
ok
Okay, I see potential. However, moving from one thing to the next like that leaves readers a tad lost. Try going into length about the town or have a bit more of a dialogue before moving Spike ahead. Show us a few things to make us understand this Spike a little better. Also try and be a bit descriptive with the setting.
Another note flashbacks are a tad awkward if done wrong, instead have space out the point when there is a flashback and instead of telling us it's a flashback point it out by going on about the ages or something similar. Also a tiny bit of mystery helps too.
Im not the best at this but I hope this helps. I'd like to see this become something interesting.
9957945
Alright I’ll keep that in thought, thanks for the feedback
9959704
Here's an example of how you could expand on just the opening
Just a tiny thing, but you build up onto the character and his personality easily. Another recommendation would be to keep the spaces made with
[hr]to large distances of time or moving from one place to anotherI'd like to see this done well and that you take the feedback at all is a big step.
9960583
Thank you for the advice, i will keep that in mind.
Just wanted to give everybody an update that the intro in Chapter 1 has been edited. Thank you 9960583 for the advice
This was a awesome start.
This was a sweet meeting with half of the main six.
This was a cute chapter Was hope there's more ( no rush).
10088063
Hey, thank you for liking this story, I am working on the new chapter, just having a bit of time trying to figure out how the girls are going to talk
I'm gonna be brutally honest here dude and I apologize if I sound like an asshole but this chapter felt real sloppy. You said that this is the chapter when we meet the rest of the girls but we're only introduced to Rainbow Dash. And the way Spike explained his origins like that just kinda came out of left field, it felt forced and somewhat unnecessary at the moment.
Again, I'm not saying this to be an asshole or anything but this chapter does need some sprucing up.
10089308
I agree with you it does, and your not sounding like an ass, just giving your opinion. I was trying to get this out and writers block just kept getting ahold of me, so i had to take a different route. So i do apologize for the sloppiness and ill try to get out better chapters
10089313
If you want, I could be you're Editor and Proofreader, maybe even toss you some of suggestions of my own.
10089319
Well, I just edited the chapter, noticing some mistakes, and I will keep your offer in mind. Right now I have a few people helping me out with the chapters but this chapter they were just too busy to help me out. But I do hope you enjoy the new chapter.
10089340
This is somewhat better. Though I do still feel that Spike explaining his past out of the blue like that does feel a little forced. And while I do understand that you want introduce the other girls down the line, you could at least give us each a description of them so we know who they are.
This is just my personal opinion though and I do apologize for the criticism.
10089366
Don't apologize for your criticism. and for the back story, he including it while he was talking about his parents. And he thought it would be best to give a bit of an introduction on how he came to be
This was a purity chill and funny chapter I wonder what it means that he's both. I feel sorry for what happened to his mom and dad. Wasn't he adopted by Celestia?
10089733
In this story...no, he is related to celestia but that is all I am going to reveal
This was interesting, Spike was kicked out of his own home and had to live at an orphanage. But his blood shows that he's both leader and knight.
10095566
Well “kicked out” isn’t really the term. It more like the super man story. Sent out to stay safe. And his parents aren’t who they say they are. So stay tuned for the next chapter
The academy will freak out.
10098042
Eeyup
This was a awesome lore chapter his adopted mom is his birth mom, but where is his dad now?
10210310
spoilers! but all i can say is that, he will show up