Young Rainbow Dash is the best, the fastest, and the number one flyer at flight camp. No other pegasus can ever hope to beat her until she races against an unlikely opponent.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th May, 2012
- offline last seen May 6th
Matthew Penn
I write imaginary stories about cartoon horses.
Matthew Penn
Joined 10th May, 2012 ·
Offline
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Mm.
Solid idea that falls apart about halfway through, and really pretty slipshod writing. Invest in a style manual and an editor.
Why do so many people write out that Fluttershy is a faster flier than Rainbow Dash? This story completely contradicts what Fluttershy is as a character and how she grew up.
If that was the case, there would be no reason why she is the way she is in Hurricane Fluttershy, or even during that day when Rainbow Dash made her first Sonic Rainboom as a filly. She wouldn't be, Fluttershy.
9212683
I know it contradicts canon, I was just trying to stir up some conflict to make it interesting.
Thank you for the critique.
This is an interesting idea and the moral at the end is good, though I’d say this story would deserve some more fine polishing. First and foremost, I don’t see an AU tag here, so this story should technically make sense in canon. However, as others mentioned, older Fluttershy in the show is still rather awkward at flying, unlike the filly you have there. Furthermore, the mention of Dashie being able to fly at the speed of sound implies she already got her cutie mark—rolling with the canon, that happened when she was protecting her friend, Fluttershy. So, why is she so dismissive of the filly all of sudden?
Next, when deciding to read the story, it is clear that Fluttershy is somehow going to prove she is a good flyer. The question that should drive the reader on is, how is Fluttershy going to achieve that? And I feel this is the weakest point of the story, as it didn’t deliver any (ideally surprising) explanation. You can say that it may have been because Rainbow didn’t train enough and that because Fluttershy had a talented coach, but both of these reasons are rather unconvincing and mundane.
So, to sum it up, a good story premise, but the execution is quite rough around the edges.