I am here to prove that even someone that has dyslexia can write stories. All feedback is appreciate, and always have a smile.
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Queen Chrysalis has been banished from her hive and Thorax is now in charge of the changeling hive. However, the changelings are facing a new problem. Without a Queen to the hive, there can be no new changelings. Thorax goes to his new ponies friends for help.
Special thanks to sdponies and Twi-Fi Brony for editing this story. And Thanks to damiranc1 for the cover art.
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ILOVEITILOVEITILOVEIT :3
9157989
That is good to hear. I going to finish about three more chapters before I upload it.
WOOHOO! Another chapter :3
if this is anything like r other stories i read then i look forward to the adventure that awaits
just guessing that her love is bulk biceps naa its sunburst but that would be a neat twist
wouldn't before the date be better then but the date?
wouldn't
smooth Throax very smooth
Hmm, looks good so far but you need to work on your spelling and word placement a bit.
So why no Cadence and Shining Armor? I mean the Crystal Empire is more a part of Equestria than the Dragonlands, Yakyakistan, or Griffinstone are. Also, why would they allow Starlight in at all? She has no role in Equestria's leadership in any capacity and is not even Twilight's assistant.
Let you know that you misspelled guard
That would be 'Aye' not 'I'.
Quite interesting. You definitely got me curious. Can't wait for more.
Wouldn't this imply that Twilight stood the stallion up rather than the stallion standing her up? I mean she says herself that she forgot they were supposed to meet up so that makes it her fault not his.
9164876
Unless there was supposed to be quotation marks for that comment meaning she was quoting the stallion. It could be that the author isn't sure how to put dual quotations together.
Ok first.
SLOW DOWN.
The pacing is just like a Hitler on Blitzkreig steroids you're going a bit too fast!
I don't know, talk about other things! Read some other fics that somehow can have 10,000 words in one chapter, learn from those types! By doing that you can add more stuff into your story and more flavor! Other than that,
Good plot,
Good writing
Tell me that wouldn't have been funnier.
you here ember cause other leader don't want you to feel left out...... also with twilight and girls busy you can get some alone time with spike.
9164960
Thanks for pointijg that out.
9165183
No prob.
Not sure what to think about it (the description), it sounds a bit as if he only plans to go on a date with them because of a queen being needed, but then again it could mean that he decited to ask them because he developed an interest in the idea itself, well I hope it is shown in the story itself that way. Don't like the idea of this being purely political at the start.
9164966
I know. I normally take my time writing stories like this. But I wanted a change of pace.
9164826
You will see that from time to time. But I am getting better at fixing them. That and I have you all to help me.
9164848
Curse my Dyslexia!
9164999
Maybe but then I would have to rewrite the whole first three chapters.
I want more :V , i need to know what happens next ?? when is the next chapter #addicted
Okay wow... when I first saw the downvote to upvote ratio I was expecting to see you have a similar problem I was having with my Twirax story and it was going to be something wrong with the plot of the story, but no the plot is fairly solid. Your grammar is horrible, however, and I mean really bad. I tried putting this through Grammarly and Google Documents and see if I could fix some of your problems, nope! Grammarly had no idea what to do and neither did Gdoc. I highly suggest you get an editor before continuing. The plot is way less convoluted than Imperfect and easier to follow, but that doesn't mean anything if it's a chore to read. I'm probably going to buy Grammarly premium for a day so I can better tell you what is wrong, but I still suggest you get an editor. That all being said I'm going to refrain from upvoting or downvoting this story simply because I don't view bad grammar and spelling as a reason to downvote a story. I'll get back to you when I've fully read what you got so far.
hmm... so after reading and thinking it over I'm not sure I like Twilight becoming a changeling or at least not a complete changeling.
Spoilers for my story:
I have planned for Twilight to slowly become part changeling in Imperfect. Just an idea to share maybe you'll want to use it, but it's up to you.
9164999
That is soooo Twilly and funny.
part of me. hope that it was Starlight. it's not like I have something against Twilight. is that everyone uses her a lot. and I'm not saying "it's a lack of imagination" Twilight is the most logical of all. to be the queen of the hives
but I have to admit that maybe I'm oversaturated. You know how when you eat your favorite food. for a week. It's your favorite but sometimes you wish it was different. but the story is good and interesting to see how the king wooing his's queen. I give a thumbs up alike and a Tracking
9165446
I try my best. I even use Grammerly to help me out. But it can only do so much. And it is the free version of it. Thank you for your honest opinion.
Rainbow owes Cadance 40 bits.
9166316
That is why you don't make bets like that with the princess of love.
I love it but you really need an editor. Slow down your writing a bit and play out the scene multiple times before trying to write it. Hear the characters speaking your lines and imagine how they would sound. Keep on trucking though, I’m enjoying this!
9165755
I just read one of your replies to another reader and you mentioned you were Dyslexic. Now I don't have that but I kind of know what it's like because I have ADHD and Autism. It makes it very hard to write as well.
9166888
To so hard for people like us to write.
9166922
This is a very intersting story keep up the good work
9166718
I thought i was going at a good pace.
9167934
Well, you are but some things seem rushed as if you’re so inspired you can’t see the tiny flaws. You blow past some words that hold the sentences together. I was thinking that you may write like I do and know what you want to say so much that even when you re-read it with the words missing they are there in your mind. It’s just a hunch so I may be completely off target. Either way I still enjoy the story and I look forward to seeing where it goes!
oh poor thorax at least the plot will demand you get hitched at least
Thorax & Twilight both freaking out over a kiss. Match. Made. In. HEAVEN!!!!
sign they both dork it so cute
oh poor thorax you dug your grave with this one
Filthy traitors aka uglylings deserve to die out as a race unless they make it up to their true queen. And any plot that assumes Chrysalis as their mother only reinforces that.
Uh oh, I have heard that before. First it's "I got this." Then the area is being overgrown with magic resistant plants being manipulated by a control freak super powered by magic.
9172405
Unless "we" in this case means Cadance is going to have others help her help Thorax
9172290
You do realize that the changelings are base off of insects right? It only makes sense that she would be their mother. That is how insect hives work.
And final. If you have a problem with the idea for this story. Why did you wait Until the lastest chapter to be posted to post your comment. I said that she was their mother on the first chapter. If you have made it this far that means you must have enjoyed the story regardless of your hateful post.
9172756
1) It's still fanon. Not unreasonable or unlikely one, but it still isn't canon to the show that Chrysalis is a mother for all the changelings of her hive. And it would only further the betrayal part as far as I am concerned anyway.
2) I haven't read the story at all. Not even opened a single chapter of it (and have no particular intent of it). Just spotted the summary in the updated stories column by pure chance. When one writes a comment on the story page it's moved to the comments for the latest chapter of it. I would assume it is the case here.
3) I'd call it ironic justice in this case. Why, the traitors can live their lives in simplicity and happiness, but unless they repent for their betrayal there would simply nothing afterwards. No legacy which they don't deserve. But whatever.
4) It's mostly annoyance rather than hate. There's less than 10 stories with Chrysalis being interesting character rather than oversimplified villain or a mere living proof of "reformation" and "redemption" concepts. Usually in the most grating and/or rushed way possible. I'm used to for things in fiction almost never going the way I want it, but it still annoying nonetheless.
GLHF.
9174462
1. And you point is? This is a fandom site where authors can make up stories like "the rainbow factory" or "my little dashy."
2. So you dislike the story without even reading it. Why are so still repling to me if you don't like my work.
3. What? This is made up story for laughs and giggles. It's not suppose to be real.
4.If that the case write your own story. On how changelings should be then. Also don't you watch or read dramas? It is not uncommon for mothers not to have a good ending. Most of the times they die.
Also what does "glhf" mean? Did you mean to say girl or something?
9174687
1. Just that canon facts and fanon facts are different. Sometimes it's the whole point of the story, sometimes a bad writing or a mistake (like OOC-ness without a reason for it). Doylist vs Watsonian logic is also a thing. So, your statement in the initial answer to me just raises some questions.
Is Chrysalis a mother for the changelings because You believe it's canon? Is it because it makes sense in the context? Because it adds drama to the story?
2. Because it just happened to catch my eye initially. Because losers IRL like me tend to have quite a lot of free time. Because I'm frustrated about the whole New-lings story boom coupled with the lack of Chrysalis stories. I also usually reply when addressed.
3. So? Just because it's fictional why can't our opinion or feelings about it be real? I have a lot of shadenfreude for new-lings. And some stories that focus on them do magnify these feelings.
4-a. In progress. There would be lings in my crappy story once it gets to them. Though they would be secondary characters for the most part. And my laziness is the biggest issue here.
4-b. Not exactly a fan of Dramas. Very few films/shows are catching my eyes lately anyway.
GLHF stands for Good Luck Have Fun. (Gamer slang, usually typed in the beginning of the match for good manners). I often end my posts here with it, mostly because fanfiction is kinda pointless otherwise.
9174816
If you are trying to be nice. Why would you post such a hateful comment then? It makes you seem more like a bad person then a good person. And as for your feelings for stories. It's nice that you like them, but you must remember. They aren't real, none of theses stories are. Don't confuse reality with fantasy.