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Hey everyone... yes this is another re-write of Human in Rainbow factory, but the only reason I'm doing this, is because the others that I've read weren't really that good... not trying to hate. So anyway... story description:
Josh and Nick have this huge argument about bronies... Josh is not a brony... He insults his friend Nick and Nick wishes that The Rainbow Factory Fiction was true and that Josh was in it... well guess what happens to Josh...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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That was pretty interesting. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
1004304
[strike]fuck you[/strike]dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png
[strike]Have a nice day, poster just before mine[/strike]
So he deleted his post.....and I still missed dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
WOOW VERY AWESOME WRITTEN !!!
Pls write another chapter it's awesome !
You know... using... excessive ellipsis... does not make for a good narrative... If anything... it interrupts your flow... and handicaps the atmosphere in favor of using a tired cliche... to... show a mental pause...
It's generally acceptable to use it once or twice in dialogue, but NEVER a good idea to put in your actual prose, regardless of the perspective that you chose. Instead of resorting to the dreaded three dots, try using creative imagery and diction to get the character's reluctant thoughts across. You have so many dots in here that it nearly makes this story unreadable.
Secondly, you need to devote some more time to these two characters. I know absolutely nothing about them apart from their names and the fact that they're bronies. I don't know about their families. I don't even know what their personalities really are other than that they act like backstabbing children and that they use the word 'gay' as a derogatory insult.
Because of this, I don't care about them, and the emotional attachment that you want your readers to feel for them is completely lost.
freaking awesome man love it seems like its going to be better than the original "Rainbow Factory" fanfic
Oh boy, he's in for it now. Wait'll his friend finds him, he'll be broken and crying, and more than likely apologize. Then he'll have to apologize again to Princess Celestia, who'll probably lock him up anyway.
Step 1, Grab a machine gun.
Step 2, Kill every last one of the f**kers
Step 3, leave the factory.
That's what I would do.
I want to like this story, but there are so many flaws. Dialogue is important to any story, that's how character's communicate with each other of course. But you can communicate beyond just speech. Like for example:
“So, you just expect me to sit and watch this??” I ask.
“No, I expect you to work here… starting tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
“What!?” I yell.
“Look, you either work here, or you become PART of a rainbow! Your choice!” Rainbow yelled.
“…*sigh*… I guess I don’t have any other choice then…” I said.
“Good… like I said, you start tomorrow.” Rainbow said.
This is just straight dialogue, it might as well be a script. Here is how I would write it:
“So, you just expect me to sit and watch this??” I ask, my eyes widen in shock and my mouth in an O of shock.
“No, I expect you to work here… starting tomorrow.” Rainbow said while rolling her eyes.
“What!?” I yell so hard it hurt my throat.
“Look, you either work here, or you become PART of a rainbow! Your choice!” Rainbow yelled, the threat apparent in her face and body as she leveled her eyes at me with an intensity of a super nova.
"I guess I don’t have any other choice then…” I sighed, closing my eyes as I resigned myself to a horrible fate.
“Good… like I said, you start tomorrow.” Rainbow said as she nodded her head satisfied.
See, communication isn't just through speech, but through body language. You have to visualize the the characters talking. Watch an episode of my little pony. They don't just stand there talking with just their mouths moving. They are either looking away, rolling their eyes, waving their hooves, or pointing.
If I'm honest, I didn't like it that much. Everything just happened so quickly and some of the dialogue just sounded really unnatural. Also, I agree with all the things that 1004420 said.
There's a really good story somewhere in here, but in my opinion, you're just not quite there yet. Keep at it though, and I'm sure you'll get better.
Then again, I did't even like 'The Rainbow Factory' that much either, so I guess my opinion of this was kinda to be expected.
this is so good
This is so cool! And I take it you are continuing it past here, right?
2019509 of course
2024973
Awesome.
needs to be 20% more badass and with GUNS !!!!!
i think he needs to blow it up
I can tell this won't end well. And by this, I mean Josh.
I wonder if he'll last. Not many... sentient organisms do. And I'm only using that term when I'm referring to multiple species of... sentient organisms. (It's hard to explain things without looking like a moron XD)
If I have ANY expectations from "Journey to the Real World", this will be fun.
I knew somehow that some of the ponies working at the factory weren't... the killing type. I know, because I killed and tortured many people in my dreams. Laughing at their despair, when they just want it to end. Atmosphere was silent, with a bit of horror in his eyes. A sign of sanity.
You fucking shit of nothing!, i wish that the song Awake took him to leave that place of shit!
God, damn it! I'm scared right now!
That, is so awesome i can't wait
Uh oh..
Was wondering when you would update this...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, DONT TELL THEM, THEY WILL KILL YOU, GOOOOOOOOOD,
Well, that's gonna be hard to explain (It's gonna be hard to NOT explain, either.)
Finally someone smart most story her suck so much
Most people here suck (squeeze da thorch hound)
3049343
i never done any thing to you!!!
Hey!
2024973 is he going to die or live am hopeing live
End of chapter, my thoughts (FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh, Twilight, and Atmosphere, you guys r screwed
finish the story please
Well that certainly was something will you update this sometime soon?
1005313
Where would you get a machine gun from if the factory doesn't have it?
Here's a comment
oh do more chapters
WHAT THE HELL MAKES IT GAY!!!!?