The entire series of FiM as a harem comedy, centering around a Rule 63 Twilight Sparkle
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The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine FAQ
>Do you really think that all five of Twilight’s friends would instantly fall for her if she was a stallion?
Honestly? No fucking way. (Dash loves her candyvag too much) But this is actually written as MLP:FIM if it was a harem manga, for those of you who know what that means.
>You’re trying too hard to be funny, and your pacing leaves no room for a subtle or tender moment.
I know that. God, how I know that. This pretty much is the main reason why my story is one of the more controversial ones on the site. I’m working on this as hard as I can, but it seems I’m just making my own story more cringe-worthy, mixing my crazy humor with awkward-feeling drama. That said, on chapter four, I’m going back to what made my fic featured in the first place: insane situations and lampshading every other line. In other words, I’m sticking to what I know. If you think you can write a better story with this concept, be my guest.
>Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I want to keep reading your story, I just want you to do it… better.
That last question was constructive criticism. Now this is just plain butthurt.
>Y U NO CLOP?!
Grow up.
>What the hell is up with chapter 2? You made it too short, you split a single episode into multiple parts when you did the series premier in one single chapter, and worst of all, you went a mile away from canon to put Pinkamena of all ponies on the scene.
I’ll come out with longer chapters from now on, I wanted to stretch The “Ticket Master” to its full potential, and as for Pinkamena, I think you’d all agree that adding her into the mix makes this more interesting than a story with just one gender change.
I’ll update these questions in later blog posts, and add new ones as they come up.
I will attempt to "grow up" and continue reading without expecting a clop. I'm about to read this next chapter, and I hope it's as good as the first. (even with no clop)
K... editing this comment cuz I just read the chapter. Pinkamena is, well... interesting. I like how it's progressing; although, at times, I find the way Pinkie sees the story from an outside, almost omnipotent perspective kind of confusing. You also said the rushed feeling from your story is your writing style, and I loved the first chapter for that, but you seem to have slowed down a lot recently. It's not bad, it's just... different than the chapter i've liked the most so far.
And by the way, you can still have insinuations of some sexual encounter without describing it (saying that it happened but leaving that part out)... so there would be no clop, but the consequences or aftermath of a clop would still be present later in the story... JUST AN IDEA
Pinkie: The voices told me to kill her... I didnt want to, it was all their idea...
Read the FAQ, thanks for answering some of my questions. BUT ONWARDS!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
Honestly I'd like to ask, why does it seem like Dusk is having life a lot harder than Twilight would? I mean it could just be because he's the lone guy in a gathering of girls but, it could just be me... Your thoughts oh mighty author?
I like it so far! Poor, poor Dusk!
No escaping those Cupcake references!
Great chapter anywayz!
Glad there's no clop, I find it VERY creepy.....
*refreshes the page; new chapter*
This is pure brilliance, it just is, there is no explainable reason, it just is.
lol, Pinkamena knocking Dusk in the balls made me lol. I was sad to hear about Pinkie having her heart broken, though... and this is WAY better than the cannon episode, I laughed like, 20% harder at this than I did during the episode. Great work.
And, if it's not too much trouble... Don't do clop. clop is.... weird. Yeah, that about sums it up. In a nice way. It's weird. And now, if you'll excuse me, I believe that those bronies who do clop are going to attempt to flame me into an Oblivion gate, so, imma go sharpen up my Ebony longsword and polish my armor.
you are skirting the lines of the random tag and it's glorious
I've got to admit, when I saw Pinkamena last chapter, I instantly thought you were just making a cupcake reference. But now that you've shown id a darker yet more realistic side to Pinkie, I've got to admit that I like it. Pinkie always does so much for everyone, yet nobody seems to do much for her. And to have this darker Pinkie not only share Pinkies ability to see beyond the fourth wall, and quote one of cinema's greatest comedy/drama scenes is brilliant. So with that I will now loose all composure and now act like a little p*ssy. "SQUIIIIIIIII DUSKxPINKIE/PINKAMENA 4 ever!" *ahem* now that that's over, all that's left to be said is, keep goin and stay golden^^
This chapter makes me dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
P.S. Do i sense a connection between MLP and Rosario + vampire?
1025224 TO OBLIVION WITH YOU!
guides.gamepressure.com/theelderscrolls4oblivion/gfx/word/-240552375.jpg
I think adding Pinkamena was a great idea, even if she scares the crap out of me.
THIS. WAS. BRILLIANT.
I lol-ed, but i had to conceal it. I have ninja-laughs. No one knows they're there...
I think dusk is trapped like a moth in bath.
If I were him I'd prepare a bunker with supplies and many, many contingency plans just in case Pinkamina comes out to play again.
Dude these ponies have serious issues.
1025290 IDEEEAAAAA!
Ah, I'm calling it now, if this is structured like a harem manga... Fluttershy isn't interested in stallions, and only sees Dusk as a good friend. She, however, has taken quite a liking to Rainbow Dash, her best friend and protector since forever. And good ol' RD will be as dense as a neutron star.
...so much better than cannon. I can't wait to see how you have the others reactions planned out. Oh, and your Pinkamena terrifies me. ...more than Cupcakes Pinkamena does.
1025304 She does?
cdn.styleforum.net/3/31/31e871cd_Go_On.jpeg
Oh, it's on now. And I agree that Pinkamena does make things a lot more interesting. And I just plain hope Dusk manages to live through this, he's already been hit in the balls twice by a crowbar.
Truth is I didn't want clop with this. I've read some harem Mangas (Love Hina if anyone know that gem) and the 'clop' worthy bits were overshadowed by humor early on and never got revealed when it went into its later chapters. To me, this is just a twisted version of the show with the same loveable humor that I loved about story set ups like Love Hina.
I have never laughed as hard, as i did while reading this. I love it i can't wait for the next part.
1025322
After that, transitioning to marehood might actually feel better.
Rofl, the Pulp Fiction reference just made my day.
1025253
OH. MY. CELESTIA. Not again!!!!
1025313
In all honesty, Cupcakes didn't really bother me that much. Now, Sweet Apple Massacre on the other hand... Ugh, I couldn't even get halfway through it. Oh, and your Pinkamena gets to me cause she goes for the balls, and for a guy like me, that's scary.
It's gone down a dark path. I mean, Pinkie has a split personality and her alternate self was torturing Dusk into inviting her? That's... not really funny. It made me cringe throughout, and I hope to hell it doesn't come up too much (naively, I wish it didn't come up at all, but oh well). Also, the "hours and hours and hours etc" thing was obnoxious, not funny.
Other than that, there's some golden opportunities for comedy. The sleepover episode should be a laugh when it comes up, what with Rarity right across from Dusk's bed.
LunaDusk ftw, btw.
1025336 Three times.
Despite the stuff in the FAQ there, I'm loving this story. Harem comedies aren't really my thing, but you're doing a great job with this, keep it up!
Not bad so far, but you're kinda throwing Dusk into a wimpy wimpy sort of light. Sure its funny but we've got Caramel for that. Just saying. Also, smashing his balls with a crowbar may have been taking it a bit too far.
poor poor Dusk, this can only end well.
1025366 You're right, my mistake. But seriously, some future episode are going to be complete and utter hell for Dusk, and I predict he's going to be hit where the sun don't shine a lot more times when they do come.
At this point, I would just hide in the Everfree forest. It seems safer than Ponyville at the moment, what with wild animals and monsters instead of clingy, lust-crazed, insane ponies
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/boy-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
Pinkamena is one mare I REALLY don't want to upset.
1025454 Dude, that's an awesome icon.
Ok. Something about this chapter was really bugging me as I read it, so I reread it and I realized what the problem was; this is becoming totally the opposite of FiM. Instead of friends growing closer through their interactions with each other, this is five girls fighting to claim one male, so they will never truly become friends because they are devoting their attentions to becoming Dusk's lover instead of becoming friends with each other, and even if they do somehow manage to get along with each other there will always be some animosity between them because they are all each others obstacles towards their goal of Dusk Shine
1025516 Eeyup. That's the idea.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/78/Trollface.svg/200px-Trollface.svg.png
1025508
en.memgenerator.pl/mem-image/thank-you-en-ffffff
Right away I could see that all those reviewers were right about all the issues this story has. I came here to read about what would change if Twilight was a male, but it seems that Twilight becoming a male somehow leads to every character in the story becoming massively derailed. You overuse Pinkie Pie breaking the 4th wall, you overuse memes and references which aren't funny at all in the situation, you've basically turned the characters into fanon caricatures, and you turned them into stereotypical harem comedy characters. Maybe my problem is that I've just never enjoyed harem comedies, because they all involve a bunch of one-dimensional girls who are obsessed with an oblivious male protagonist who never seems to mind the fact that they all abuse him one way or another (especially the yandere one). In fact, he almost always feels sorry for her/ends up with her.
Here's an example: the very start of this chapter involved fanon Pinkamena torturing him for who knows how long, beating him with an iron crowbar (and probably destroying any chance he has at having children in the process), just so you could include a stupid reference.
Do you not see the problem here? She just violently tortured him, for no other reason than to allow you to have her make a reference to something that doesn't fit the world they're in. And then, since you seem to determined to include every single harem comedy cliche, you have Dusk forgive her, and in fact make him feel guilty. Is he just a complete retard or something? This mare has just beaten him, broke his nose, probably killed his chance at having children by beating him with a crowbar, and he doesn't even care? And then he invites her to go with him?
No, that's so stupid, it deserves more than one , so have another :
That said, this made it clear that this is just going to be the typical harem fic with ponies, which means that this will keep happening, but things will constantly interrupt him whenever he comes close to choosing one of them, because every cliche harem comedy has to drag the "drama" out to beyond reasonable measures. But hey, as long it keeps it funny by having fanon, derailed caricatures making popular references, then who cares, right?
All that said, I'm sorry, but I disliked this. A lot.
I personally don't like how you brought in Pinkamena as a split personality. I think Pinkie is more than capable of doing that stuff on her own. That's basically my sole criticism.
Oh yes, and the "%-word" was the best joke.
Didn't really enjoy the beginning of this chapter I don't like to bring up cupcakes but Pinkie was just a bit too extreme, it really takes the fun out reading this and thinking it's a comedy. Which is a shame because the first two chapters really were quite good and got me to laugh quite a few times. I mentioned when I first read this that it's funny cause you essentially turned FiM into a comedic harem anime but when you have Pinkie torturing Dusk for a quite a few paragraphs it feels more like I'm reading Higrashi rather than Ranma 1/2... not exactly my cup of tea.
I'd like to say that I am quite alright with you using lines taken wholesale from Pulp Fiction without their permission. Unlike certain overly-talkative young reviewers, I find that my fanfic experience is rather enhanced by the usage of material from enjoyable sources, and provides a nice shout-out to others who have seen that particular source. Please, feel free to continue.
1017354>>1017460
You know, I actually found that comment to be rather ironic considering they all show up again the very next chapter, along with:
[x] Why?
[x] Just... Why?
(In case it's not clear, the first is for the torture at the start while the second is for Dusk not caring that the pony he invited was responsible for said torture)
[x] Using too much color text.