An aspiring writer that loves the fandom and it's works
When Ponyville is under Siege from a goblin incursion from the Everfree Forest Twilight Sparkle is forced to go to a mercenary for help. With only a handful of soldiers under her capable captain's command, can this mysterious stranger help turn the tide before all is lost?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Pointing this out, no cover art
8971283
Thanks for the heads up. It's fixed now.
This comes to mind
And here I though I'd get a round of Kingsman brand arsekicking when Sterling locked the door but I supposed that isn't possible due to his leg.
Though I am curious, how come there was the sound of splintering wood and the highwayman had that broken bottle? Shouldn't it have been shattering glass?
8971968
The one guy broke out of the wooden chair that was holding him.
8971982
Oh~ Thanks for explaining that, my brain is a little slow after work.
I got a war machine vibe while reading this story. You a fan of the game?
I want to see more of Crane’s adventures in Ponyville.
8972838
Sorry, I'm not familiar.
Humans.
8973237
That is what we are normally referred to as, yes.
I've have been enjoying this story more than I thought. Came home from a long day working, saw this story in frontpage and wanted to read this to fall asleep, but have been more entertaining than expected. Kudos to you
An HiE on the front page.A humanized fic on the front page. Let's test it's quality and see if it's good enough.Well, goblins aren't often used in HiE, so you're at least introducing new elements into the world to justify the Human... hang on.
Why is the Siege capitalized? There's a mistake in your description, fix it. Run it by an edi... this story doesn't have an editor credited. That's a problem. Self editing is fine, but you need a second pair of eyes to make sure it's right.
So far seems like standard HiE, with the obligatory Gore, Violence, Death tags.
Let's see if the first chapter offers anything unique.
Starting with a weather report. No. Author, you don't start with this. You start with action, an activity, something to excite the reader and get them to read the story further. You don't start with a weather report. Try again.
You have this reversed. The town doesn't frequent the Everfree, the creatures frequently invade the town. The shoe is on fire, not the fire is on shoe.
Alright, I'm gonna say this now, you're doing a whole ton of telling. You could have given us this information through a ton of other ways, like having a timberwolf attack before hand and the ponies dealing with it with ease, and having no idea how to overcome the goblins. Instead, you're basically removing the meat of the story by giving us the bones.
Common? Not just happening, but common? At this point, it doesn't match up with the world of MLP, which would smack down these attacks like nothing. However, I noticed an AU tag, so I guess I must ignore it... except, no. I don't. If the whole story hinges on the royal guard or the wonderbolts or Twilight and Co. being unable to defeat Goblins (a low level monster), there has to be a proper justification. Do the goblins multiply in such a way they can't be overcome through regular means? Are they magic resistant? I don't know, you havne't told us.
Except for Rainbow, Twilight, Starlight, Sweetie Drops, any royal guard that would be called in...
Sick? I don't think that's the word you wished to use.Perhaps "laden" or "filled" or even "overwhelmed with"
Yes, and, as we all know, Twilight and Co. are not proactive, the princesses don't respond to threats, and even the center and heart of the everfree, the Tree of Harmony does nothing to help the world.
On another side note: Discord is also someone here, and he is easily able to disappear some goblins. Or the alliance with the dragons, or the war mongering yaks...
Oh, that reminds me, goblin's can't fly. Aerial troops would kill them with ease as well, which we know that Ponyville has plenty of Pegasi like Cloudkicker, Rainbow, the weather team, the students, etc..
Sorry, got side tracked.
And, once again, you failed. You didn't tell us of the grievous wounds, you didn't show us the blood, you didn't paint a picture in our heads of the devastation these goblins caused. Instead, you told us. This scene would have been more impactful as something akin to:
"Each room in the hospital was filled with the wounded. Cold Iron lost a leg from the infection, barely conscious as his wife hugged at his arm, begging him not to fall asleep. At his other side was his son, Hot Iron, a mixture of despair and anguish showing on his face. His father wouldn't be able to work the fields anymore, and what did he accomplish? The youth bit his lip, drawing blood.
In the next room was Granite Stone, alone. He didn't have a family to comfort him. Instead, he lay in the dark, his own thoughts turning to the goblins and their tactics. He knew if he could just get one more look at them, he'd figure out a way to save the town, but he was trapped in his own body, unable to even stand unassisted."
See how that breathes life into the town, shows us the people's reactions, and lets us know how the goblin's affect others?
Oh, there's magic too, so Starlight, Twilight, Lyra, Shining Armor...
Could have done lasers, bubble shields, teleportation, fireball...
Revise this sentence and break it up. It's too clustered at the moment and a touch confusing.
List time.
You ever heard the phrase " variety is the spice of life"? Well, this is lacks any spice. Use a word other than said. There's a reason we have thinks like "questioned" "asked" and "stated", but even then you don't need them. You could have easily, with the last one, said "Twilight let out a half hearted chuckle."
Yes... except she could just order him. She is a princess (you've shown her with wings and magic), so she could just order more soldiers...
Also, the royal guard is stretched thin? What about the wonderbolts? The airforce? The mages? Celestia and Luna? Oh, and, let's not forget how easy it would be to solve the problem by sending, say, 50 guards there on the train. It wouldn't take less than a day to get there, another day to take care of it, and a day to come back. Three days too large a risk durng peace talks?
Peace talks are the safest parts of conflict! Why is he worried about them striking during a peace talk? If you don't have enough guards for the border, you don't have a military!
Even worse, it's an allies border they're worried about. Ignoring the time it takes for invasion ,the scouts, and the power of castles, they can't afford any soldiers to take care of a town housing a princess and it's problems?
The show answers this question by having Twilight resolve the problem and, when she can't, other ponies in town can. This has no justification.
Logistically speaking, a town isn't small if it can house merchants permanently. That requires a constant marketplace and a populace that can afford to spend on luxuries often. That only occurs in towns and cities of decent size, not a "small" town.
No she didn't. That was a clear speech, with no stammering. You could add stammering to the lines to make it true.
Holy 180, batman! That was a complete reverse to what she was saying previously after... a few seconds. Emotions don't work that way.
I believe you mean there. This is why an editor is needed.
This sticks out as something Shining wouldn't say. It's a bit too "roguey" for him. A bit too "I'm one of 'em!"
You'd think Twilight would know there was more than one option, like magic or flying or harrasing, or parlaying, or, or, or. There are a million other options, but for pushing a plot forward this isn't bad.
That's it for the first chapter and... honestly, this story is of lower quality. It appeals to me as a D&D player and this is standard One-shot #12, Goblin Invasion, but the writing is boring, the prose repetitive, and it lacks an editor to check it's grammar, which is errant.
Best of luck with your next story.
I must say this was very good I would love to see more of his adventures.
May you have the Man-Emperor's blessing.
i saw that manners maketh man reference from the kingsman movie at the end there
Why would you siege a town like Ponyville, it doesn't make any damn sense and is a waste of time. even if this is an AU Ponyville is a small farming village, it has no walls and literally no militia the gnome/goblin whatever should be able to run in and destroy literally anything they want to but instead they decide to lay siege to a undefended farming village? Ok no. And WE KNOW the Village is undefended because Twilight has to contract mercenaries to defend it.
And another thing, why would they even wait to siege the town? do they fear Twilight's magic? Discord? do we not have an explanation? why would they block off a towns supply lines and surround the town when they could literally just burn it down?
Can you we see what his weapon looks
8975022
actually it IS defended but its defended by a civilian militia and a FEW guards not nearly enough and as for why i can only assume the chief wanted her crystal castle since crane says they like shiny things and will stop at nothing to get them plus its a siege not a rampage because they cant get past the walls to do so but thats their own fault for not attacking at full strength right at the start
8975213
Not to mention the goblins came upon an artifact that seems to have had some influence in causing the attacks, but unless their is a continuation we won't get anymore details then something else was involved
8974494
Half of your "it's"es should be "its".
also
This is bad advice. Would you like a list of speaking words? I'll endeavor to be as exhaustive as I can (in the literal sense), though I won't claim the list complete.
Said, spoke, whispered, shouted, yelled, screamed, cried, choked out, stammered, stuttered, murmured, asked, questioned, stated, pondered, wondered, monologued, ejaculated, bellowed, snapped, babbled, gushed, exclaimed, declared, insisted, lamented, apologized, relented, assured, agreed, teased, related, joked, roared, continued, emphasized, spat, threatened, insinuated, hissed, sneered, consoled, mumbled, comforted...
My advice? Use said, ask, whisper, and shout or yell, but only those last three when you can't convey it better otherwise. Be judicious and sparing with other words, and remember that such words or phrases are spices and not the full meal.
8975762
Hm... It seems I wasn't clear enough. I should have expanded upon what I said here:
Thank you for pointing that out, so I'll clarify now.
Spicing up dialogue with action makes the scenes have movement and can give away a character's emotions without stating it. For example, if it's late at night, you can change a "she said" to "She let out a yawn." This adds to the scene while also clarifying who is speaking.
Now, this is just my own style of writing and how I treat dialogue, but I find it to be a good way to not go into the "said, said, said" problem.
8975213
The definition of a siege is
The issue is the INSIDE PART since the town has to be well defended with either a military unit or a wall. Ponyville has no walls, and has a very very small militia since you know IT'S A FARMING HAMLET. if the Antagonist wanted the crystals so badly she could have just burnt the village to the damn ground instead of grabbing the idiot ball.
8976817
they had wooden walls because of that guard ladies magic and some of it had sheet metal in some places but like i said yes the goblins could have just overrun the place but its a siege because they did not because just like you said they grabbed the idiot ball so instead of attacking in full force from the beginning they were attacking in small squads MAYBE a platoon and while they did not surround the village they had soldiers close enough to the roads to i assume take out any supplies they could have gotren
Fun story man, definitely earned it’s like. Was just curious though since it’s marked complete if it IS complete? Because it seems like there’s more. Sequel maybe?
8975048
His side arm is what's known as a pepper box.
https://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Pepperbox_(5e_Equipment)
The larger gun I based off the Karabin przeciwpancerny wz.35 It's a Polish style anti-tank rifle.
does this stranger have a .44 magnum that instantly kill those he shoots with it
Hm, no one's said anything so this duty befalls to me
In this paragraph he says his hands are tied
I've seen later on the chapter this was intentional or you was very distracted (or something) so the story may just be missing the [anthro] tag
Hope it helps ^_^
8974494
I dont know why peaple hate this man or woman for giving good advice and stating Problems. This is how writers get better. And yes I suck at writing so I cant talk. Or that what most people say to deflect the fact, this is a good story but it is not a great one.
It's a bummer you haven't written in years, the progress between your original works and latest is phenomenal.