"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul"
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Princess Luna, goddess of the night, has been back for over a month now. Since the events of Nightmare Moon, she has been trying to get back into the swing of things. But do other ponies want her around? Will a dragon rider she once knew well be able to help her in a time of great need?
Warning, this will contain antro-ponies.
I am in need of a cover art image for this story. If you are capable of doing this, PM me so that we can talk about it. Thanks!
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What is this a crossover with?
2156653 The Inheritance Cycle, Its sort of a squeal. Kind of.
2156673
Hmm ... It would help if you made that more clear in your description.
2156681 Ill edit that when i have a chance!
This story intrigues me.
a3.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/42/db75f08c9476774fdb32d3db71ef6746/l.jpg
I fucking love the Inheritance Cycle
.... so you better not fuck it up
good luck
2156963
I'll try not to, but just remember, most of the original character wont be in this, and even if they are, it will be brief. So keep an open mind.
Sweet Jesus, you sure picked a thorny one. Crossover with the Inheritance Cycle, Human, Alternate Universe, Sex, Gore, Anthropmorphization- oh my!
I strongly advise going through this: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
The prologue was completely unnecessary. I don't understand why you have it. I'd unpublish that chapter. It's somewhat vague as to where and when it happened. I hate to say this, but even though this is an Inheritance Cycle crossover, just jumping headlong into it with a dragon rider fighting Nightmare Moon is asking for too much. That is a battle that Celestia really needs to fight herself. The prologue is also seriously limiting to what you can do in the future. The audience now knows for a fact about the OC and Luna. You could have gradually built up the relationship, or you could have hinted at it, leaving the readers in suspense over the possibilities. The prologue was painful to read. I found myself both unable to care about the characters and the action. When I have time, I'll send you a PM with a very detailed critique. The thing is just a mess. I think that it's superfluous; it would be much more interesting to gradually reveal these things over time through the plot and through character development. It would be very interesting to see Luna run into the stranger and not remember him at all, at least at first. Typically, prologues are only loosely connected to the main story. One last major thing you need to do is go over your mechanics, spelling, and diction. You misuse a lot of homophones and synonyms. It's up to you what you do with the prologue.
The first chapter started out strong. I really liked seeing Luna going throughout her day. Developing her character through her thoughts and interactions with Celestia and the public was quite nice. You do good character focus pieces when you knuckle down. It went downhill very quickly once the gang showed up. Here, again, you failed at generating any sort of dread in the audience. I don't even get the sense that Luna is all that afraid. My analysis is that there was just far too much dialogue for such a scene. Are they perpetrating sexual assault, or are they trying to convince others that they'll do it? What you then did was launch into a tasteless attempted rape scene. Anything sexual is really tough to handle well. Attempted rape as a throwaway excuse to get a plot going just ain't cool. Now something like a mugging is much easier to pull off and doesn't come across nearly as repulsive as sexual assault while still posing a tangible threat. The ending was just okay. I'll let it slide.
Sexual violence. NO! Just no!
The action fell flat. The threat never seemed the least bit credible. There's nothing to make them seem particularly dangerous or tough. You call them a gang, they manhandle Luna, and they're drunk. They could be quite threatening in a more grounded, realistic story. Of course, since you already set the bar so high in the prologue that nothing short of physical god even registers. The rider is already established in our minds as an epic badass. Just the description of him you give puts so much emphasis on him that there's no way to identify him as anything other than a game breaker. You're trying to make us feel tension over a confrontation between a Navy SEAL and some juvenile delinquents who sneak cigarettes and beer behind the convenience store.
I have to point out a recurring trend in your work. Overpowered badass characters are fun to write for. They're not fun to read about. Out of all your protagonists, the only one I ever recall actually identifying with was Matt from Paradise. Why? Because he was an ordinary man who had to struggle against impossible odds and pay a hefty price for his success. I understood him and his struggle. Spartans are top tier badasses and tough as nails across the board. Dragon riders are even worse, especially considering that yours seems to be an avatar of Chuck Norris. My point is that these characters don't seem vulnerable. How can I feel sorry for a transhuman space marine if his only problem seems to be that he doesn't always sleep through the night. In order to make the audience sympathize with a character, the character must first be relateable to us. Nobody relates to an invincible god of combat. Trying to make him seem more human by throwing in insecurities and bad dreams helps only a little bit. If that's all the price to pay for that kind of awesomeness, then it's practically theft. With this new protagonist, I can't see any potential for him to be anything besides a walking game breaker.
I'm noticing a lack of play between the different parties. There's no struggle. Party A does something to Party B. Party B does something to Party A. It almost feels as if I'm reading turn-based combat. They never cross swords; they aren't struggling to overcome their opponents. Action works because you feel anxiety for the protagonist. The fights like you describe seem more like ballets. You were also far too verbose. There's no need to deliver a speech when reprimanding thugs. Such things would work much better in an epic poem, but it comes across as silly here.
Avoid exposition dumps when you can. You put a lot of focus on the introduction of the badass. This not only broke the flow of the story, but also just made it too obvious what was to happen. I would have rather handled it with a quick warning by a figure Luna couldn't see properly. It goes ignored and a very brief fight breaks out. That would establish him as a badass much more quickly and effectively while avoiding turning the scene into a monument to the character,
I got the feeling that you're trying to be dark, edgy, or something like that. But still, sexual violence is a massive landmine; don't touch it!
Lastly, just how anthropomorphic are your ponies? I saw you call them hooves and hands interchangeably. Make the level of anthropomorphization obvious. If you don't yet have anthro ponies, then just omit that warning from the description altogether, because it is confusing when you warn of something that we don't see, or at least don't see yet. You can change tags and such as the story evolves.
Positive stuff follows.
I've looked at a lot of your work, and I have to say that characterization is something you seem to have some level of gift for. Remember Paradise. I praised that for being a charming quick peace that was focused on characters who were interesting and relateable. If you could only bother to slow down, go into detail, and really flesh characters out, then you would have something very interesting.
Your ability to narrate scenes and hold focus has improved. Keep on working on that. My issue is that you have a tendency towards cutting scenes prematurely. Just as something is getting interesting, it is ended. This terse pacing doesn't really help much with characters or plot development. Writing is a thing of patience. I see a lot of potential, but it goes to waste by jumping around. The reader won't run away from you if you're giving them reasons to get involved with the story. Regardless, from a technical standpoint, you have improved quite nicely in terms of making and developing scenes. 2K words is about the minimum I would give for a chapter length of a normal narrative. It no longer feels rushed. If anything, it feels like the scenes aren't being used enough.
I very strongly recommend that you get into contact with more reviewers and prereaders for this story. There is a group called WRITE. Drop them a message and ask about getting some help from them.
I give you 3/5 flutteryays so far. I'm being generous because you're starting on a new fic with a starkly different style. It wasn't all that painful, honestly.
Updated review:
This is much better. There were a few rough spots, but there's not much to complain about. I'm going to give you a lot more freedom and discretion with this story because I'd like to see how you handle it on your own. I'll still be watching and giving you feedback. This chapter was fair enough. It's nothing amazing in terms of quality, but I still liked it. You get 3/5 flutteryays.
I found a mistake
You have been holing me back for ages! And now I can finally be free from you. Free from you shadow, for all will be shadow and night!"
That line should have started with a capitalized letter.
Interesting take on how Nightmare Moon is defeated and I have good idea on what the anthro ponies in this world look like.
Okay his rescue of Luna seems a little too Gary Stuish, but since this was Luna depowered being in trouble from a group of thugs I'll let it slide, for now.
Seems like a good start, but I really want to know what exactly these anthro ponies look like, which I think I have a good idea on, but I just want toconfirm it. Basically does Luna look like this, this, this, this, or this. All the anthro luna pics that shows her full body.
You should also try to find an artist who is willing to draw a picture for you and allow you to use it as a cover art here.
2205393 Most likely the last one. I'm trying to get someone to work on a cover art image, so something should be up eventually that will help with that.
2206595
Okay, as this inspired me to have something I should discuss with the group now.
go with the last pic and more ch thier to epic to rezist
mot to shaby but needs a littel more meat per ch in my oppinun
This is very interesting. It is good to see another Inheritance Cycle crossover. Tracked.
2257434 that's about what i was thinking. This story is great, but short.
Damn.
Pony only flaws are their timidness and Xenophobic nature
and cant wate for the gurds to meet Met's 'partner' they are so gona shit themselves
ohhh cant wait for the love and when shit hit the fan
Ps idea Luna rembers him when he saves her like a time from their shared past
2387324I have been thinking of multiple way for her to remember. That could be a possibility. There are a few others as well.....
I notice that you seem to be switching between describing them as ponies and humans examples...
you should try to correct this. Or they could just be satyrs...
2424279 They somewhat are. They have hands, but they do have hooves at feet.
2424279
Or they could be anthro
like this
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSIBgDIwMTIvMDgvMjEvMTJfMjZfMTBfOTU4Xzc5MjA3X19VTk9QVF9fc2FmZV9wcmluY2Vzc19jZWxlc3RpYV9hbnRocm9fcHJpbmNlc3NfY2FkYW5jZV9uaWdodG1hcmVfbW9vbl9zd29yZF93ZWFwb25fYXJ0aXN0X2Nyb3ZpcnVzBjoGRVQ/79207__safe_princess-celestia_anthro_princess-cadance_nightmare-moon_sword_weapon_artist-crovirus.jpg
2756134 Yes, thats more like it!
2756484
, This isn't the first time I've seen a fanfic with anthro ponies.
I thought so
It is good so far though
2756951 Thank you!!! I plan on updating it soon......I just don't know when:/
2757828
By the way, Eragon is one of my favorite book series. Thank you for making a crossover with it.
2756134
Nice pic.
2759800
Wish that I could take credit for it, but I cannot. I also cannot draw worth a damn.
2757848 Well I hope you enjoy the rest!
2760175
I will.
2157900 well this criticism has helped me think about my own story and how I should develop my own character thank you
so it begins and finnaly dude what took ya
3280975
I've been trying to get things in my life under control....sorry
3281291 naw it's fine I just like to compaline
Finally a new Chapter.
due Flash is a pesi not a unicorn so no teleporting
3385027 Fuck.
3385027 Fixed...could have sworn he was a unicorn....
3385048 well your the guy who mad the one of the most hatted Equestria girl's chater play sidekick
3385052 nope
3385059 Yup! I thought 'well why the hell not? He's already a guard, and using Shining Armor would have been too cliche'. Plus i really don't see why everyone hates him. He didn't get enough screen time or dialogue to actually be thought of as a potential love interest for Twilight. And since I'm a fluttershy fan I don't see much problem in them two dating.
3385080 some people just don't like how he was just thrown in their like with Spike thing
3385254 Ah, I see
This was the first time I have ever seen a Canadian Luna.
Hoose it goin' eh?
Nice chapter. I might like this story but I never read Eragon however I saw the movie long time ago.
So any info on the story you put into the fic is very appreciated. 
3386011
Just so you know in advance, the movie was an absolute piece of shit. It shared virtually nothing with the book series, and most of what it did share was still messed up somehow. I recommend that you read the book series, because it really is very good.
3385385 You will see......
3386822 YES! THANK YOU! SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN ON THAT MOVIE!
