- Member Since 8th May, 2018
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Arron
Writing, and reading are my main thing, other then that... be afraid of my ideas.
Arron
Joined 8th May, 2018 ·
Offline
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This is a good start for a first fic. Good job so far. Personally I felt that your introduction to the world was well done. Don't feel that you have to explain everything in your stories. Most Steven King stories never ever explain where the evil came from or even why the evil thing is doing what it is doing. As you can clearly see, this does not harm his book sales.
You have to remember when reading comments, that there are some bad habits that have cropped up over time in the stories here. Some readers see these bad habits as normal and become uncomfortable when they don't see them in a story. One common bad habit is going in-depth explaining the humans back story and exactly how it got to Equestria. This is seldom necessary to the story, and many veteran readers simply skip ahead without reading it. The reason for this is these backstories are often so cookie cutter and generic, its pointless to read.
The second bad habit is the human reacting in pants pissing terror on first contact with ponies. Another completely ridiculous idea. In most head cannons, ponies are the size of a large dog, with their heads reaching around crotch level, they are also pastel colored ponies with technicolor hair. No sane person would be the least afraid of these.
So try to take comments with a grain of salt.
Again, good start, I hope to see more.
The Monk
8916743
The reason I didn't feel the necessity to do all that is because in almost every human to MLP story, they write how their afraid and how they react.. it feels overused in a sense.
I feel like since it's not something like Fallout were there is death everywhere that he should react like this, just from seeing the color pastel ponies.. your opinion should change, clearly, not dangerous if they aren't holding weapons or some sort of slave around... too cheery.
8916822
And thanks, I've done my reading of fanfics for awhile now... And sure, maybe it isn't as expected by the good writers, but I feel that I did pretty well... sure it's slightly short.. but what do you expect? I felt a small introduction to the story was needed, eventually things will change. Who knows? My writing and thinking might change over the weeks. But thanks for the positivity! Really cheers me up!
A bit of an awkward read, I'd recommend that you get someone to pre-read it for you and maybe help you with some editing to catch mistakes. I also felt that it was a little rushed because it immediately went from the main character appearing to him learning a small portion of his powers, to him meeting a couple of the main characters.
I feel like that could have been expanded on, instead of just jamming it right there in the start of the story to give some buildup.
All in all, a very good first story so far with an interesting concept but I'd recommend to have someone look over editing to catch some pesky misspellings (I suck at spelling). I'm gonna watch this and see where it goes.
I actually like it when the 'normal' ponies dont get their way
8928276
What do you mean by the 'normal' ponies?
8928368
Main 6, and the princeses
8928638
Oh yea, most definitely. But then it wouldn't be as logical unless it was a whole different universe with different pony characteristics, then there thought processes would be different instead of being a know-it-all like Twilight. They'll have there moments here, but not as likely.
Well done, Great chapter.
The Monk
8935309
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Nice chapter
Also classic death good old rock to the brain
Interesting you're steadily getting better in your writing, 2nd person with omniscient knowledge is sometime hard to make sense of it as the point of view shifts from the protagonist to 3rd person in knowing what other's are actually thinking. The occasional annoying part is when you present a character that the protagonist just met and skip on a proper description or impression of how they looks like to him especially established characters from the show; even if we know them from the show it's can be a bit jarring like Carrot Cake or Miss Cheerilee which we are just told who they are with nothing to go one. Still you're getting better, so keep it up.
8982888
Thank you, I will keep on trying!
IT LIVES!
Happy it's back man.
9164592
9164861
I'm glad you guys wanted it back!
9176362
It's good that I can somehow motivate others into writing their own stories.
"filly"?
Aren't ponies usually racists?
When the next chapter?
9962980
Da when is next chapter
I hope youre still writing this
This is really cool. I’m loving illusion and I hope you make more sometime soon.
short but good chapter!
its been awhile and hope you are here for good!
Sure Discord may have told him what happened, but from how he goes about its not very trustworthy. We can't really be sure Discord is telling the truth. Did he really die? Was it the way he said it happened, or did Discord do it? Either way he doesn't seem like a very good father figure, or likable at all.
Honestly he's probably better off telling ponies Discord just had a son so he had someone to kick around because that's what it looks like.
Twilight really needs to chill out. For one he should be mad at the ponies pilling the chariot, they nearly ran him over. Telling him he isn't allowed to be mad about someone nearly causing him an injury is screwed up. Not to mention its starting to seem like she's just trying to get him to conform to what she expects, rather than taking him in.
YES, IT'S NOT DEAD
I really like this
It might be years, but is there a chance for an update?