Out of sadness and betrayal, Amber Night flies off not caring where she was going until she eventually comes across the Castle of the Two Sisters and meets Nightmare Moon
(Featured on May 13, yay.)
Chapters (11)
evanim26
Joined 11th Apr, 2020 ·
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Interresting idea that holds large potential, but for that there are some things that should improve. I followed it for now and let's see where this goes.
It was good.
Interesting concept and well written, can’t wait to see more
Also, WHY IS THERE NO LUNA EMOJI
I like the concept, but there are a few Grammer problems.
First, you need a period to end every sentence. Second, try to avoid run on sentences. Sentences should only focus on one topic at a time.
Amber awoke the next day. She stretched her hooves and wings and got a sharp pain in her injured one, so she only kept them closed for now.
Luckily, Fimfiction has a neat writing and grammar crash course that is pretty good and isn't too much of a drag to read, if you wish to improve your writing. https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
Ah yes, the poor filly truly is suffering
I wonder if Luna knows exactly who the nightmare had inhabited, or whether she only knew that it was a filly.
EDIT:
Ah, so Luna doesn’t know that Amber was the one harbouring the Nightmare, will be interesting to see if Nightmare is able to hide Amber’s dream the next time she sleeps, as now Luna will spend considerable effort into finding her.
This is awesome so far!
It seems she might be discovered far sooner than I expected.
A very interesting story so far. Could use an editor for the spelling and grammatical errors, but overall, a good read. I look forward to reading more!
Why do they always put the cart before the horse? She went into the most dangerous forest in the land for three days and then engaged in one violent altercation with a pair of bullies and you don't enquire as to why a filly would attempt 'suicide via exposure' in the Everfree?
violence is never the answer it is the question and the answer is yes - Nightmare Moon
Aw dats nice, bad for her but that’s nice.
Don't you mean Amber Night and Nightmare Moon?
10804632
Whoops
Some parts are... iffy? (What teacher allows a child to bolt out of school like: nah its ok, let her) But it's otherwise enjoyable and heartwarming (perhaps, in part stemming from the simplicity shown in the aforementioned).
What I also find good is that I can sense closure approaching; I would not be disappointed if the story only lasts a few chapters more.
Pretty good story, Amber and Moony are fairly well written. The parents sound like horrible people though. I mean, really, not letting her explain herself on top of not asking the Why of her hitting a couple fillies.
She has every reason not to after that single display that night.
And what is the teacher doing about the bullies? If the bully isn't punished than neither should the the one who fought them. If you stand up to a bully you should be rewarded (suspension or no suspension). The only way that they are going to stop is when they realize that you aren't going to give. Strictly speaking a violent altercation was not necessary, but elevated aggression would certainly make them be more wary when confronting you.
10821422
This got a good chuckle out of me
Reading this again, I kinda wish most of them didn’t think Amber/Moon were good, I like the stories where the heroes think they are saving the Protagonist from formerly evil spirit who is no longer evil but they don’t know that/don’t believe.
10825376
Well, Luna is still thinking like that so if it's any constellation. You have that.
10825413
Don't you mean consolation?
10825583
yes, I was trying to think of the word.
10825413
Yay.
We got us some rogue guards!!
Yay rouge guards the best antagonists in these kind of stories besides the Main characters.
Great. Idiots.
Gonna be honest I don’t like this direction the story is going
10915554
Don’t worry, it gets better.
Ok, so they caused Nightmare to go insane. Not a smart idea...
You figure with diamond tiara and silver spoons glowing attitudes and probable reputations that cherilee would of done something to stop their bullying.... kid has a near death experience and no one gives a hoot about it but they flip out when the filly hits her bullies
So the monsters hunters get off scott free?!!
10947083
Yup
10947091
10766130
Okay I get that there are some obvious mistakes but grammar is incredibly complicated! Point out the mistakes that you find so that people can fix them! if you're going as far as to make a comment on grammar mistakes at least point them out!
I am an author of multiple stories on this site and every one I've written has had someone comment grammar but never actually pointed out the mistakes. Yes they're harder to point out than spelling mistakes but if you can see something wrong point it out and it can get fixed. Without constructive feedback no one can get better. Just saying "grammar needs to be fixed" does not mean that a person will automatically recognize their mistakes.
10804845
A teacher that knows the value of calming down outside of the situation that set you off.
Something that is incredibly rare nowadays but should be more and more common. If you remove yourself from a situation you can calm down far easier than having the focus of your anger right by you
Welp it's time for Shining to come down and show these ponies why he is still the captain of the royal guard even as a prince.
Okay saying it now that's Amber from the future somehow stabilized in a time loop
discord is a pure chaos incarnate.....
this fic is trashing my fav princess so hard.
friendship meeting. dreadfully like some shits heartless corporations pulled for sake of PR
starlight the communist leader :)
10859626
isn't that for political purpose?
this is like generic horrible kidnapping they do in shitty romance fanfic. from wattpad.
how about hunting discord?
too cringe. too horrendous.
10947083
trixie got off scott free. starlight got off scott free.
I'm a willing host as long as Celestia dies and I get the everfree
She technically already did. That's like executing someone again for the crime of surviving their executions
I'm am not taking these fake ass friendship lessons
I was expecting amber and moon to become the queen and princess of the everfree
Ah yes the thing called nightmare helps you get rid of your nightmares. :-)
Good story btw.
11113765
True, i need to constantly pause while reading because of generic ''cringe'' situations like these, but the main concept makes me coming back all the time ...
11417974
To be fair, this is, like, one of my stories from my early days of writing. You can even tell my grammar was terrible. I’m not proud of this part of the story myself, but, hey, what can you do?
This is my ''main'' feedback comment. I've pre-written it at the 2/3 mark of the last chapter but didn't want to post it untill i finished the whole story. Im saying this because you have already answered to one of my earlyer comments and called out some points yourself. Nevertheless my statement to the trotting problem still stands:
Chapter 1: 1
Chapter 2: 6
Chapter 3: 5
Chapter 4: 11
Chapter 5: 11
Chapter 6: 5
Chapter 7: 17
Chapter 8: 10
Chapter 9: 12
Chapter 10: 8
Chapter 11: 17
Total: 103
Total words: 48522 : 103 =
every 471(.0873)th word is some form of trotting
I've unironically started screaming out loud whenever i've read anything starting with trot. Please. Use. Some. Other. WORDS.
Anyway interessting concept, written for kids (imo), could have used more blood / violence (imo again) and the stupidness of the characters made it sometimes hard to read. I personally haven't noticed alot of spelling mistakes except for some ''AMbers'', this is probably because english isn't my first language.
This isn't meant as hard as it reads so please take it more lighly and ''just'' as criticism.
Thank you for writing :-)
11418774
Criticism is always welcome. Especially since I’ll need it for any future stories. Work on my mistakes and all that. Thank you for your kind input and for reading this. Still, it's not my proudest story.