The_Zenith_tempest
Joined 4th Mar, 2021 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It Saw that show and i love it
Before any criticism is given I would like to point out that I do not hate the story or what you are trying to do and I myself actually enjoy the manga the character was base on, but I truly believe that these points need to be adress.
Firstly your grammar, mostly on the way the characters speak as with every new dialogue for the character a new line needs to be made, though there is no need to give any additional characteristic or 'tone' when they are talking but you need to point out on which character is speaking certain dialogues, especially if there are multiple characters speaking in a certain scene.
Secondly, character povs, switching povs can be useful since it can give the readers insight into a character's perspective but repeatedly switching between povs in a single chapter can be quite confusing the reader regardless even if you put up a heading on which characters pov it might be. If you wish to convey multiple thoughts of different characters it is better to use a third person's point of view.
Last but not least is the main characters themselves. My qualms are not with how they arrive - a merchant sending them there is a cliche but not exactly one to whine or complain about unless those that do so care too much on narrative - rather it is about the character growth either emotionally, mentally or physically, since you start this story with an op character and I have no problems with an op character so long as it was done properly, an example of this being Equestria's Greatest Warrior (Rewrite) by SuperSaiyanSora-Sama where the main character is indeed op but they still have room to grow or improve due to challenges occurring in varying forms. Of course, since this story is still early there might be possible that the MC will face their challenges way later in the story, but whether a reader would keep up with the story until said interesting thing/ challenge occur is another thing entirely.
Oh yeah, show me more of those big boobs baby.
keep it coming.
Is that sarcasm?
Lucky motherf*cker
Hey, can’t argue.
Mirrors?
Magicules?
Force?
10724404
magickles, magic molicules in the atmosphere.
really wanna read more, but it DOES need editing. last chapter, you said 'ovaries' , im sure you meant overalls.
10726790
That exist?
А продолжение будет
Here I wrote the first chapter of a guy being reincarnated as a slime in Equestria and I find out someone posted before me. Well, guess Great Minds think alike. I'm not going to post till I finish one or two of my other projects.
I will be following this! First, so I would be able to make something different even if the premises is the same. The second reason is that I'm curious about what you got in mind.
10726827
It does in the Anime “The time I was Reincarnated as a Slime” that the story the Displaced characters are based off.
10733483
Ohh. Ok
Got to say what I have planned and this story are completely different.
Keep up the work I’m rooting for you.
this is good but when two people are talking have the sentences divided up into there own "subchapters"
ex "hi my name is shadow" Hi shadow I'm pinkie do you like parties "yes pinky I like parties
"hi my name is shadow" said the stranger
"hi shadow I'm pinkie do you like parties?" said the eccentric party planer
"yes pinky I do like parties"
I don't think you have to keep the he said she said game going after you have made who is talking when clear I could be wrong though
I need to taste pinkie pie’s cupcakes, ASAP. As long as this isn’t cupcakes pinkie pie.
The story feels a little rushed to me
Good idea for a story downvoted because there is so many grammar mistakes and i am not talking commas and shit I am talking spelling didn't even get passed the first chapter it made my head hurt
I don't really care about pictures, and jumping point of views just make me want to drop it. The guy should have been railroaded by a truck instead of going to convention.
Ugh, that is horrible! You need to rewrite this whole damn chapter! Cuz it’s very bad!
Ok I give up! This is terrible!
Could definitely use more work
11077618
I think I understand.
Please get back to this story soon I’ve been hoping to see someone make a story like this after I watched what I could of ‘That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime for a while.
I thought he got turned into slime person not a anime character call slime
Rimuru probly still has a dick or something because he is asexual.
this is the first time spelling has made me quit a fic
hay update it
this is not a dead story is it?