coolcatnate
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If people say you're story is not good doubt listen to them I think your story is actually brilliant😀
Yeah me as well
Telling readers the "Don't like don't read' excuse will either discourage readers due to they think you won't take criticism well, or it will encourage trolls to go after you, thinking you'll be easy to anger.
9359691
Thanks for advise
The beginning of the first chapter was an interesting one, you decided not to do the old fashion way of explaining his backstory (which is not bad as it can still be told later in the story) and instead wrote about his reason in Equestria and possible something that play a significant role in the later chapters.
The second fourth of the story had has been filled with explaining his powers, the usual and you took the time to list everything off which is good.
The third fourth was a bit rushed, but not bad. The sentences were meaningful, if not a bit short, but all in all, it wasn't just 'bland page filling.' Sadly the diamond dog part was a tad short, nothing wrong as too much can be worse, but could use some more detail. For example:
-his thoughts about this new world
-his past
-his worries and sadness for never seeing his world again.
-the joy and true in-depth realization of his new powers and how god-like he may be in this new realm.
-possibly a bit of training, like struggles to control his powers and such.
- Most importantly. Details. Making bits and pieces short is not bad, it can be amusing and exciting, but some details should have had been mentioned. Was he cocky when he killed the dd (Diamond dogs)? Was he disgusted by himself? Was he feeling an adrenalin rush or something else?
The last part of the Chapter was interesting as it allowed a lot of future to happen such as drama etc.
All in all, it was an exciting start, though I would highly recommend to allow rating again and let people say their critic as much as they like unless they are straight up insulting you and your story far more than needed to make a point clear.
My last big tip. Take your time; great stories need that, that applies to everything in life, take any money hungry gaming industry, for example, they only rush things and don't let the game's full potential be reached because they want things to be done fast.
I'm gonna drop a bit of help, and a couple reasons why I'm gonna skip this story. The bit of help is ALSO the first reason I'm skipping.. Summoner is misspelled in the story description... When the description has spelling errors in it, it 'says' that the rest of the story will have them too, and probably a lot.. Second reason I'm skipping is the Ratings Disabled... That says that the author knows the story is bad(usually by intention) but doesn't wanna throw people off by having a massive amount of dislikes over likes.. Between the two, it says 'The story is bad, because I didn't do much editing, and I know it, but am too lazy to edit, so I'll disable the ratings instead so it doesn't look quite as bad at first glance' A Lot of people will think the same thing...
9362811
You bring up a lot of valid points that I didn't think about but summoned is spelled correctly
9364122
When I looked it was spelled Sommoned, which is why I mentioned it :D
9364253
Oh okay
next time can you tell us your next CHAPTER PLEASE 😁
Thank you so much 🤗
I am sure the ponies aren't going to get worried when the mc summons the S.H.I.E.L.D carrier (vehicle)...
9430307
He'd have to build it.
Okay I just wanna ask, does putting the images in your story is really necessary? Because for me is really distracting, not to mention that it doesn't let me picture the scenes in my mind. I would suggest you to take off those images.
9430621
dude I'm only gonna say this only once leave.. him.. the.. fuck.. ALONE!!! if you don't like the images then kindly leave it's his story not yours
it's this kind of suggestion that pisses me off to no ends about your kind of types thinking they have the right to make demands from honest to good authors who just want to write for the enjoyment of others and them.
alot of good displaced and non displaced stories will have images in them so if you don't like stories that have them then don't read or comment
also here's some advice from my douche bag of a twin brother that he gave to me (I'll admit how he said it is really rude but was still true and a fact)
(I think at that time before he said that it was due to me trying to get him to I think Pre-order a game for me Idk really remember since it was years ago and my memory is foggy at best at the time of that event)
9430621
This is his story not yours if you want to criticize something for having pictures in it then go make your own story and see how hard it is to actually write something
Jeez, looks like someone just had a bad day...
9433654
that i can vouch on and how hard it is to write -.- cause i had BP take a look at my first displaced story that's over 2k and is not submitted yet and i can safely say writing is bloody hard DX
any idea when we can expect an update and new chapter?
9503554
Working on it now
This is a great story
Slow down on the detailing. I'm happy of the m.c. abilities you gave him.
9531480
Sorry I got some complaints about it so
Where's Eris?
Geat story so far, just don't rush the big bad guys (if you're planning to add some) in the future
9532073
In this story she was corrupted into a draconequus by a demon.
Do u have an idea of what eris looks like as an alicorn?
9536535
Nope but I used the one next to the one with golden hair as Eris because of the cutie mark.
9536768
Ok I like the story so far this chapter confused me cause of the POV changes but then again everytime in any story POV changes it makes me double take
Question I forgot to ask was where is that picture of that guy from look like final fantasy? And what are the life death and forbidden magic from?
9549678
Most of them were just added from different games I remembered I don't remember exactly which ones go to which due to the fact of how long ago it was that and few came from animes
9549690
Ok know that feeling. Oh I just noticed something what's the point of self healing spells if he can self heal through blood from his nephilim abilities?
can you do this story first please thanks😀
I am sorry to hear that
Recuperate before you start writing man. You won't be able to think straight.
9438881
Nah man that's because the administrators are bias as fuck!
Sensible man.
Plz do come back and work on this I like it a lot and think it is a great story
Why kill the demon? She was hot. Coulda tapped dat ass
any idea when we can expect an update and new chapter?
This is a very poorly disguised teenage wish fulfillment self insert, but to each their own I guess (shrugs). There are a lot of run-on sentences though.
While you have a good story, the grammar needs serious work.
Wait, I thought his name was John, when did it change to Jay, did I miss something in the chapter, I'm so confused
The list was EXTREMELY long. I swear it took about 80% of the chapter. I won't be able to keep track of them. Could you at least put the abilities into their own sections with the franchise they are from being labeled? Like things from Final Fantasy in a list labeled Final Fantasy? You don't need to say exactly which game in the series but holy man. I just scrolled straight to where the next section of the real story began, you know?
9705272
I got complaints about it so maliciously complied
9705033
Thank you for pointing that out
9705374
Glad to help for once
Hope you're feeling better, loving this so far. :>
Is the next chapter almost finished