I awake when I feel a hoof kick into where my ribs should be. My empty eyes open, and I can instantly see a white alicorn standing over me, dressed in golden armor, with a sword against my neck. She sneers down at me, “Any last words, Necromancer?”
I think back to something Luna told me in the dream, “Within my rights as a pony, I demand parlay as my basic fundamental right, as seen in the Second Tenant of the Equestrian Constitution!”
Her eyes slightly widen, before she moves her sword away from my neck, “Then parley we shall have.”
I rise from the floor, stretching as I smile towards Celestia, “Good thing you said yes. If not, well, I don’t believe you would live to see the next day.”
She makes sure I can see her blade, “You wouldn’t get the chance. By the time you could get off a single spell, your head would be rolling on the floor. Even you can not survive the sting of the Sun Singer.”
I look at her blade, “You wanna test that? Cause if you attack me, you’re going to have a bad time.”
She doesn’t let me annoy her, “The only reason you still stand is because I wish you to. Speak, before I become bored and annoyed.”
I’m about to retort back when I’m interrupted by a young voice, “Princess Celestia?”
She turns to see Apple Bloom blearily looking at her, with the other Crusaders stirring around her. She turns to look at them, “Do not worry, my little ponies. This doesn’t concern you.”
I but in, “Actually, I’m pretty sure it does. Us being Crusaders and all, you know. Crusaders stick together, and all that?”
She turns back to me, “Excuse me? Did you just say you’re a Crusader?”
I nod, “Yep, pretty sure that’s what I said. Might be a few millennia older than them, but I still feel pride. Nothing wrong with that.”
She growls at me, “You would go so low as to manipulate foals into your bidding?”
Scootaloo responded for me, “No offense Princess, but he hasn’t manipulated us at all. Fact is, he just seemed cool and nice. He even protected us from Diamond Tiara yesterday.”
She look between me and them, “Of corse, it all makes sense. You went after the sisters of the Elements in order to get closer to them. So you could manipulate them to shroud this world in your darkness.” She holds her sword where I can see it once again, “I will not tolerate this parley any longer. You’ve tried my patience with skillful lies and bluffs. You don’t think I can see through you, that you even insult me by saying you could defeat me. Your dark magic pushed back the vengeful Spirit of the Everfree yesterday, but you cannot push me back.”
Sweetie looks between us with worry, “Princess?”
Celestia continues on, “I am Celestia, Godess of the Sun, and Fire. You have invaded my lands with your dark magic for too long. Prepare your final words, and I will send you to your afterlife.”
My eyes widen, “No, I do not want my afterlife. Do not swing that sword, Celestia!”
She calmly raises it, and starts to bring it down. She is only stopped when three foals jump in front of me, in between me and the blade. Apple Bloom shouts out, “Princess, stop! Ravens our friend, and we can’t allow you to harm him! Please, just stop.”
Celestia’s mask seems to break for an instant as she looks at the foals. Her mask quickly reforges itself, and she glares at me, “You would put foals in front of a blade to save your own life? How low can one sink.”
I look at the Crusaders, “Look, I appreciate it, but move. Seriously, this is not your fight, you are foals. You have no place im front of a God’s blade this early in life.”
They hold strong, “We aren’t going to allow you two to fight!”
Celestia sighs, and lights up her horn. Her blade raises itself once again, “It is our duty to put an end to the Necromancer. Three foals is but a small sacrifice. For the greater good. For all of our little ponies, and the world itself. If you shall not move, then we shall have to cleave through you.”
She brings down her blade a lot quicker this time. I quickly jump ahead of the Crusaders, and raise a skeletal fist from the ground, “No!”
Our attacks collide, her sword stopping dead on my skeletal fist. The world ripples and explodes from the force of our two attacks. It sends the Crusaders flying into the walls of the clubhouse, and sends me and Celestia sliding across the floor.
I regain my footing on the rough wood, glareing at Celestia, “You do not kill them.”
She swings her blade around once again, facing it towards me, “I cannot allow you to continue.”
I breathe out once, seeing the green smoke from my magic flow out with the breath. My entire body glows green as my magic shows itself, and gets rid of any excess. I can both feel and see the excess go to the nearest points of life it can be used by.
I create a blade of bone, and diluted mana. I face her once more, “Then it is time for me to kill you.”
We both charge towards each other. I grab my blade in fingers of bone, and jump into the air. I twist around my body, and slam my blade into her’s once more. The ripple this time sends us both flying into the walls of the clubhouse, and can be seen knocking trees over and apples down into their baskets.
We both flip into a recovery, and almost fly at each other once more. That is, until a blue sphere appears in between us, shouting out, “Stay your blades!”
I quickly listen to Luna, and deconstruct my blade. I take a deep breath in, taking back in all my bleeding magic, and forcing it to lay dormant once more.
Celestia, however, doesn’t. She continues to face me, “Sister, help us defeat this Necromancer!”
Luna simply meets eyes with Celestia. They share their eyes for a moment, before looking back at me.
I can see Celestia’s mask break once more, leaving her very confused, “So what should we do?”
Luna smiles, “If you really need him to prove himself more, then a mission might be in order.”
Celestia sheathes her blade, and looks at me with confusion, “Okay then. Ravens Breath, Necromancer, expect a chariot later today. I will have a job for you.”
I slowly nod, “Alright.”
She walks out to the balcony, and looks back at me, “But remember, you are only alive because I allow you to be.” With that, she spreads her wings, and takes off.
Luna looks at me, “You owe me one.” Before she takes off as well.
That leaves me in a clubhouse with very damaged walls, and a bunch of knocked-out Crusaders. I take a glance at them, before backing up in suprise.
Their mana signature is familiar, too familiar. I could regonize my own signature anywhere. My excess magic must have gone to them! But, that means...
I just turned a bunch of mayham causing foals. Into Necromancers.
8735465
Writing errors are due to me being on a tablet with a sucky auto correct function. Put down Kenny in all caps I One comment! And now it’s always the first thing that appears in when I type ‘k’. I shall fix these. Also, will add an explanation.
8735481
Well, ‘feels’ was the wrong word, I put this here to show the Necromancers human side, his fear and immortality. I also wrote this to explain the tragedy of immortality so the next chapters end hits harder on my character.
Uughh... just no. seriously, No.....
This chapter is just so awful that i can't understand how you could think it was ready....
Just no.....
We have a Celestia who immediately says Raven is evil, all necromancers are evil, etc, etc... Oops! The Crusaders vouch for him, so he must be a good necromancer! Yay!........
Then we have Raven "accidentally" making the CMC immortal by sharing his magic with them apparently...
And also, i forgot to mention.... Oh, how cool! The CMC got their Cutiemark by fighting a bunch of timberwolves that randomly appeared out of nowhere! Oh look, their cutiemarks are based on combat roles! We have our Strategist, Apple Bloom! Our Warrior, Scootaloo! And Our Support, Sweetie Belle! And last but not least, Our Mage, Raven!.....
Yeah, the suspension of disbelief flew out the window ages ago... can we repair the roof it broke as well while were fixing the window?
8735510
Really now? The chapter tries to tell that?
i couldn't see anything resembling that... You sure about it?
8735513
It’s a story about a Necromancer dieing, becomeing young, and then being in magical ponyland, is disbelief needed here? But, that’s cheap and I know it,also, the marks aren’t to be combat roles. They are supposed to symbolize different things, Apple Bloom able to test a structure (building, not combat, it just is that the wolves are made of wood) Scotaloo which shows her daring and bravery (the multi colored helmet is supposed to be like the one she wore in her scooter dream in an episode) and Sweetie’s symbolizes music, using an opera helmet as a symbol. The immortality was the ‘magic of friendship’ that is so prominent in the show, as they are now bonded together under the curse of living forever, making them stronger friends. Although, your warrior comments gives me a spin-off idea, for an intermission in the story. And, yes, Equis is a very black and white place this time, your evil, or your good, that’s all. Necromancers always fell into the ‘bad’ category, so Celestia assumes immediately that he’s the same, but sees that his friendship is so strong that three little filly’s stand up to her, and tell her all that he has done. She can tell trough a thousand years of experience that they are telling the truth. But she is cautious and threatens the ‘evil’ Necromancer, who she is confused by because h is in a grey area, and not black or white.
Sorry for typing so much, just wanted to respond to all you points!
8735517
Two immortal beings sit side by side as the world melts away, and they see everyone die. And the Necromancer sits there, depressed, and despondent. A very human reaction, and then he has a conversation with a fellow tortured soul. The only other one who knows the pain, and can relate to being called evil and living past your friends.
8735549
And you don't even see my point.... My sarcasm is wasted here....
First of all, how the hell are the cutiemarks supposed to be what you said? The context in which they were earned says differently. You need to think about writing these chapter way more than you do now. I suspect you just write anything that comes to mind without even thinking if it's good or bad.
Second of all, "It's the magic of friendship giving them immortality!"...... Fuck that bullshit and think of something else. Because i'm not buying that. You are only using a very shitty excuse to say they are now immortal since you think you need it for plot reasons.
Third of all, nope.... don't even think of spin-off ideas since you need to work on this fic. This fic is very flimsy and i don't like it anymore. The writing is just so awful that i can't even figure out why i liked it in the first place.
Fourth of all, badly written cliché Celestia is badly written.
Fifth of all,
8735565
The scrap you wrote was badly written and i refuse to hear your excuses. It is out of place and i cannot see anything even remotely resembling what you say there should be.
i am losing hope for this fic as it feels like it's dying before my very eyes....
I will not apologize if i seem brutal in my writing here, since i am trying to be at least slightly brutal. I can't sweet talk here at all if i wish to see this fic salvaged even a little bit... So far the fic looks like it's just an incredibly rough draft of what to write for the fic.....
8735627
And I shall applaud you for you being brutal, it help inspire! And, no, immortality was not a plot element needed for the foreseeable future of this story, I just think it makes sense in Equestria.
“When we glowed, that was pure harmonious friendship magic! It took a part of me to you, so we would be bonded closer as friends. I’m so sorry it chose that!”
Direct quote that makes sense in the world, considering all we’ve seen friendship do.
And, I will remove the scene where they get cutie marks, it isn’t very good I aggre
8735627
I did see the sarcasm, I just take all criticism seriously.
8735627
Scene is fixed!
8735627
I hope I have improved my dream chapter, I think its much better.
8735659
No.... just no....
I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't work like that....
They've been friends for... what, 18 hours at most? Not even a full day and they are already "immortal" because magical friendship? Dude, you are just talking so much bullshit that i can't understand how it is not pouring out of your mouth like a waterfall.....
8735729
*cough* elements of harmony, *cough*
So will they grow up to adults and then stop aging or will they stay young forever
8735735
Nope. They don't grant immortality to their wearers either.
They are the Elements Of Harmony, not the elements of immortality. Granting immortality to their wearers just isn't in their M.O....
They might be magic in a solid form and have a rudimentary intellect at worst and an incredibly complex intellect at best. Meaning that if they do somehow decide to grant Immortality to their wearer, said wearer has to do something very extraordinary. Twilights talent is magic itself, so she doesn't count. She would have become Immortal in one way or the other, so becoming an alicorn is just the icing on the cake in her case. So don't even think about using her as an excuse.
You can't weasel out of this one, sir. So think long and hard on how to approach this issue since at the moment, the only reason the CMC are "immortal" is because you say that the magic of friendship is the reason.
No one will ever buy that since the CMC and Raven have not even been friends for a day, so their friendship isn't anything that huge. Give it about 20-40 years and we'll talk again about it. But even then, i don't think they are going to become immortal just like that....
8735771
My point was that the friendship was realistic in equestria, but I’ll change it now you’ve show the error of my ways.
8735771
I have changed it, hope this is better.
8735759
It has been changed...
8735790
Good. But there is still the issue of you seemingly rushing out these "chapters" even though look more like chapter outlines that you later expand.....
*yawns* But anyways... i'm going to bed for now. Good night
8735796
Neat
8735808
Same m8, I mean, I do just write these for fun when I’m boarded. And I try to write one every night, so you are right.
8733950
do you want the sugarcoated version or the brutally honest version?
8736183 Brutally honest so that they know ahead of time not only to pick and choose their battles, but also who to save. As a certain Counter Guardian learned the hard way, the only thing the masses love more than a hero, is seeing that hero fall.
8736183
Honest.
It's good but it's a little too fast going.
8736826
Eh, I’m writing this to try and squeeze in a lot of story with some humor.also, I have spent 7 chapters on the first 24 hours! How is that quick?
8737224
You tell me
the quality went to crap a while ago, but this is ridiculous.
8737224
Weeeeellllllll, while yours isn't that bad in my opinion, it could be better. A lot of good writers spend several days on one chapter. They plan out the length, they make everything make good sense, make the story flow with good plot, and check and double check for grammar errors. While you have done some of this, it could be a lot better. Like, releasing a chapter a long high quality chapter a week to keep your readers hooked on the suspense. But one problem is that you start to become a bit predictable a couple chapters into your story. I mean, look at D.N.A.! It was plainly obvious you would make the Mc an alicorn! You made yourself predictable, which entirely removes the suspense factor. Thus, not many are going to like it. I enjoy only because if you come back later and completely rewrite all this in a better way, it could have A SHIT TON of potential. That being said, a small tug of curiosity will lead me to finish this, but in the time I have finished five of your stories in this series, I should have barely been through the first one.
You have done good, BUT you CAN do MUCH better. This has been a message from Gizmo.
P.S. Don't mind my sad excuse of an attempt at a story, I was younger, dumber, and overall taught why it is a good idea to take more than a day to write a chapter.
Oh dear me......this pacing is giving me a headache. I mean what in haven's name is going on here? Everything is happening way too fast and this a rewrite of all things. How did we gone from seeing Raven going to school and becoming friends with CMC to him already fighting Princess Luna and Celestia within a short numbers of chapters. Which by the way in the previous he was facing off against Luna at a cliffhanger no less. So how the hell is he is fighting Celestia already! This is so suddenly. It's kinda nonsensical at this point.
I mean.....holy shit....I'm sorry friend, but this is where i have to stop reading this fanfic. It's nothing personal, you seem like a decent writer....just need work on certain aspects is all. With that said good bye and good luck to you.
10327728
Oh, don’t worry, I completely understand. The pacing in this story is very off, even after my rewrite of it. I might try another rewrite, but I don’t know. It honestly seems my greatest flaw is pacing, as things go quickly off the rails no matter how hard I try to keep them on. I’d recommend reading my newer stories, but I truly don’t think I can in good conscious, since they also have pacing issues.
*Megalomania riff*