Parody of Hamtaro Please Come Home, but my own twist.
Sunset Shimmer ran away from home after accused for being Anon-A-Miss and posting everyone's secret, her decision led her on an adventure. Meanwhile Anon-A-Miss reveal them self, and the main 5 along with the rest of the school are on the quest to find their friend and bring her home.
P.S: This is one of my earliest stories
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Sentence structure is very choppy and awkward.
The dialogue fells more natural, but the narration feels forced and extremely choppy.
Alright, so I've read the entire story thats up as of right now, wanted to read it out fully before I gave my opinions and suggestions. Like 8548261 said, your dialogue has gotten better, but the narration is kinda choppy and needs reworking. Maybe give it a read over or have someone edit for ya.
That should help with any problems with grammar and sentence structure.
But overall I really like the story so far and cant wait to see what happens next
Hope you have a wonderful day
Sincerely,
Sar Meister
8548733
I understand. I was younger and just got started. I'm also impressed on how much I improved after that.
8549122
Still a really great story idea that just needs a bit of loving and caring.
Alright not bad, it is getting better. Just that, maybe to help out with some of the narration try saying it outloud to yourself. See how it flows when you say it, then if need be ask someone else to give it a read.
Although still a interesting story
Ahm... Chapter 8 is showing up in my Feed alerts, but when I click on the link for it, I just get a "404 - Page Not Found" notification type of thing instead of the chapter itself.
Help?
8553813
Sorry. I accidently put the wrong chapter on this one. I'm going to put the real next chapter right now.
Now it, as well as Chapters 6 and 7 are gone, as well.
What's going on here?
8553838 Okay, cool.
8553851
No. The one you saw earlier was for another story, and I accidently put it on this one. Again, my mistake, and sorry for mistakenly misleading you.
8554010 Okay, thanks, and that's okay.
Things like that happen occsionally.
This story seems really familiar have you posted it before but deleted it?
8554389
Same here. I remember reading this story a few years ago.
Timber as in timber wolf lol
Anime.
A bit wrong here the website was mystable anon-a-miss was an account on it
For an early story, this is pretty good. In my opinion, it might be a good idea to do a rewrite. Not because the story is bad, mind you, but because I'd love to see how it would be translated through your improved ability in the literary arts.
Artists occasionally redraw what they did prior to show improvement, so why not writers, right?
Hey, I've been trying to find this one for ages!
Furthering my comments, this does what few Anon-a-Miss stories does; provide tension between the characters, but ultimately ends happily. As it is ultimately a Christmas tale, the latter is especially important.
At least the Crusaders didn't get mindlessly beaten up!
Definitely one of the better Anon-a-Miss stories I've read. You keep everyone in character and avoid OOC punishments for the CMC.
Herbert should get a dress too.
This is corny but has a kernel of truth to it.
Truth!
I wrote up a 22 part part of the Equestria Girls Holiday story: the 2 part from the comic and then sliced it into 20 other parts that had the Dazzlings coming back for revenge and stealing Sunset Shimmer, and then when Twilight sent them to Equestria, the Equestria Girls themselves all wanted to go to Twilight's land, where Pinkie Pie the human and Pinkie Pie the pony got to meet. They help free Sunset from the Dazzlings, sit in a therapy session with Discord to talk all things out including the Cutie Mark Crusaders that were involved too, and spend part of Christmas with the ponies as ponies themselves and then a gala party at Canterlot High School to officiall cheer and forgive Sunset.
My Little Pony Equestria Girls Part 1
A Sweet Valley University Presentation
Happy Holidays!
No joke, 8 pages of credits!
I'll put it up if interested. Be warned there is nudity involved in some chapters, not just standard pony either.
This was great story
It a good chapter
I happy Sunset know the truth
This feels much more like an outline to a story than an actual story.
Glimmer ? Like, Starlight Glimmer ?
10352614
I think so
and i would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those two meddling kids and there pig too! sounds so, so, similar to this famous scooby doo line that crooks always say after they are caught.
"AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WERENT FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS AND THERE STUPID DOG TOO."
was jingle playing this song? it's got a guitar solo.
lol am I the only one who wants a sunset come home song
I understand what Zecora means! Sunset probably meets herself in the human world 'you own face in sight'
10121702
I feel like your comment should be "The reader made a comment about how the story was more like an outline than an actual story."
I am seeing an antro Timmon riding Pumba
hakuna Matta
this just cements the image
Was that a Scooby Doo reference I saw,or are my eyes tricking me?
For what it is, this story is pretty good.
One thing though: Remove the 'Second Person' tag. Two reasons: this story is not written in the second person perspective, so it doesn't fit and it's probably costing you a lot of readers, because second person stories are almost always terrible. No matter who writes them. If I saw the tag before I started reading I would not have read it.