The Grand Galloping Gala is tomorrow night, and Discord gets to chose a surprise band for the gala. Things get crazy when Discord decides to bring the Rainbooms to Equestria for the show without noticing a thing. How will things go for the Rainnbooms and the gala?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I remember seeing this fic on fanfiction.net. It was a fun read then and will be a fun read now.
Me like
Okay… ow…
Majorly flat telling of a chapter there.
First thing that caught my eye, you spent about a quarter to a third of the chapter literally telling us how the girls were dressed. In a word, don't. One, the way you were doing it was flat as heck, two it's telling, description is one thing, but I've found that unless someone massively changes their look, particularly for a short period, it's better to throw things in and let the image built in the reader's mind.
Case in point from one of my fics:
Note the highlighted bit, the reason readers know about her scales is because she looks herself over and sees them, before that, apart from something on the ground that's attached and a snout, they've not initially got much, but it builds up rather than out and out saying that Cait's a blue-to-purple bipedal dragon out the gate, though with Gina since we're seeing Cait's view, she sees a winged lizard with a similar colour scheme and we see it through her.
Another point, scene changes, most people are fine seeing a stack of three to seven symbols between scenes, unless you're specifically going for something that doesn't do that, then most of the time we don't need to know exactly what's going on, we can usually pick it up through the interactions in the scene.
Also, please don't start sentences with 'then', it jars people since 'then' is usually a mid-sentence bridge.
Just as a quick review, try comparing this section where things actually kick off in the chapter to my own version:
Vs:
Notice I've cut a lot out, focusing on Dash's view, but not saying her name yet, even then in about three paragraphs I've established a few things, one Rainbow while unnamed, is rainbow-haired, while Twilight has dark hair and violet skin, I've also worked in a little about the band and that Sunset (redhead) is wearing at least purple sleeves and Twi's acting more like Fluttershy than Princess Twilight. I also show they're sitting for a meal through actions more than outright saying that they're sitting to eat. As things go on, I can imp in snippets that show the girls and what they're wearing, along with where they are, or even have someone say it in the story which works better, the reader knows through the characters.
good story so far theo twilight likely tells sunset things that happen in her life so she would have informed sunset of discords change
thoe a easy solution to that is she does know from twilight but does not want to risk her friends lives on 2nd hand information (even if it comes from princess twilight)
I liek to see Discord get close to Human Fluttershy liek he close with pony fluttershy, maybe makes a comment they have their own twin sister of sorts.
the reunion with susnet adn celestia should have far more emotion to it than that honestly it should get its own chapter
I downvoted because it does a poor job of holding my interest (despite being a concept that should have me riveted) and it has far too many flaws.
7300880 Can I please get a link to that story? It sounds really good.
7492811
Here's the link of the story and it should be on the fanfiction website. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11604633/1/The-Grand-Chaos-Gala
I think you made an error here.
I'm going to be Applejack here and be totally honest with you. This story could be really good, but the insane amount of grammatical errors in this story makes it totally unreadable. And because of that, I can't give this story a favorite, nor will I give it a like or dislike.
If you went back and either edited this to fix the obvious grammatical errors in it or got somebody to do it for you, this might be really good someday. But sadly, right now, that day is not today.
I don't understand why Night Glider and Sugar Belle are in this. Is it because Rebecca Shoichet voices those two as well?