- Member Since 18th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen April 10th
Magpiepony
I'm a pegasister who just can't get enough pony magic in her life!
Magpiepony
Joined 18th Jan, 2014 ·
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Magpiepony · 31k words · 261 23 · 6.9k views
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As soon I read the title I said: "The Russian Sleep Experiment, with ponies. 10/10!"
Dang! That was just......dang!
Let me guess, TheLostNarrator is going to do a reading of this tomorrow?
I'm sure this story was on your page before 8I even remember that this story was incomplete). Do you re-write it?
Oh well, time for a little scare.
Eh it was alright. The character breaks didn't do it for me. Not the greatest Aj story I've read, but most definitely not the worst. I'm sure Lost's reading will be good though.
Goodness, this is awesome so far, mag!!
Was pretty good! Enjoyed it. The end was pretty cool.
But...
She deeeeaad.
Very good
Why didn’t Twilight take the blame? It was HER FAULT!
This needs a sequel
This was REALLY REALLY good, but i do have 1 criticism. i feel that AJ's decent happened a little to quickly, based off the fact that sleep deprivation assumed to be the cause (by the title) i went into this thinking "ok AJ is gonna attempt to stay up as long as possible and eventually be driven crazy after a few days/weeks" but if i understand the time frame, she went off the deep end in about 24-48 hrs, maybe you wrote it as the magic potion helped speed up the affects of sleep deprivation maybe not but i dont feel like her anger at filthy would be enough to start this chain of events after only a day or so without sleep, not for someone as level headed as AJ. so could you explain your thought process over why it happened so quickly? Other than that though i love this story almost as much as i love the friendship test!
...Huh, I thought this fic had been around for a while? Because I'm sure I've read the first five chapters somewhere...
Anyway, I'm here to tell you that this fic is just so enjoyable to read
. Bonus points for the backstory and using Applejack, that mare needs some creepypasta of her own 
I like the switch in perspective, it gives a clear view of the horror in almost everyway. From Applejack's clouded mind, to the mane six, to the victim Lyra, and then the CMC. The final chapter is also disturbing without any kind of gore the rest of the fic has, I mean, the conclusion of this fic can be debated on who's ACTUALLY at fault, but seeing Twilight act like that is just... scary.
Although, I do feel something is missing between when Applejack is still hallucinating and when Applejack 'embraces' her sleepless self . I haven't read the original story again, but I don't remember the transition is that fast.... And to be honest, I think you can still decrease the numbers of chapters of the fic by fusing some chapters together.
Oh, one more thing...
Weh, even as Starlight's biggest fan, this is just out of hoof xD (Unless this is a hidden joke or a gag).
And Applebloom...
My head says that she's probably paralyzed for life or something like that, but I guess it's also safe to assume that she died to save her sister, even when in the end, Applejack will never get her normal life back.... That's just tragic
This needs a sequel about the mane five realizing it was twilights fault.
Jesus Christ Applejack went crazy I'll probably go crazy if haven't slept for days
Good story though keep up the good work Mag and Losty
What? Twilight, you didn't the truth!
I hope the elements didn't work!
Wish for a sequel!
I know everyone is deciding who's fault is it, but I feel like it's both Applejack's and Twilight's fault. Twilight DID warn Applejack about the consequences of drinking the potion, however Twilight shouldn't have given her an INCOMPLETE potion while not knowing effects of it too. Actually, when you think about it more, Twilight should've been more stubborn about giving Applejack the potion if SHE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOOD IDEA! Fact is, they both share the blame for this even happening, even if I'm shifting towards Twilight being at fault.
Yikes. I may not have enjoyed the Friendship Test fic with Starlight, but this is amazing and heartbreaking.
Good job, Mag
Damn, you scared the sh
t out of me, and brought a tear to my eye...
I liked this better than the Russian Sleep Experiment. My problem with The Russian Sleep Experiment was the ending, specifically that completely out of place little speech. Your story is actually a good example of how it could have been done better. Great job
Noo! Not Lyra! ;(
This is the best part of the story. :D A very good portrayal of someone losing their mind!
I don't know what's up with that speech of Applejack's, but it toes the line between "seriously goofy" and "incredibly awesome". c.c
...And this chapter killed it for me. :/ I mean, not completely, but Twilight's heel-turn is really out of character and feels poorly justified, while character destruction was something you avoided for the rest of the story.
Not to mention I laughed so fucking hard at this line. c.c; This is still way better than any of the classic grimdark pony murder fics, and Imma make sure everyone knows about it.
Yes! Twilight to save the day.
Earth pony strength btw.
Yes! Git'm!
Choo Choo!
AJ express!
Yeah, you'll get him eventually, AJ.
Winners never quit!
Ha! GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!
Well, AJ is in the penalty box, but she'll get out soon and the fun can begin again!
Can't keep her from family, after all.
Now she needs to know where her sister is!
really rushed and twilight seems so out of character. It was a good story but that ending killed it.
Twilight would do anything for her friends, and just lying about the potion isnt something she'd do. Plus her and starlight glimmer are really tight. I just cant see her saying something like that. good story- shitty ending.
I'm not much of a gory fan, however, this is purely original. The storyline is so clever and incredibly terrifying.
banter
Nice story but that last chapter… On the one hand, it was a refreshing change from the usual good endings - on the other...
Twilight acted like a complete, heartless bitch! Hell, she wasn’t the only one - mane five knew what really happened, Celestia probably knew as well – and yet, they were OK to cure AJ only to lock her away? I mean, WTF
?! At that point, it would have been more humane to kill her than to let her rot, with the knowledge of what she did.
This thing could definitely use a sequel, showing either that mane five are struggling with the lie and/or that Twilight actually put some spell over them to forget what really happened, and now she is struggling with her guilt.
To summarize – good story, but the ending was bittersweet as hell…
That ending sucked. I read the original creepypasta and thought this would be good. The story was... till the end.
I gotta say, I was enjoying the story until the ending. I’m sorry, but I can’t help but just completely dislike it. And no, it’s not entirely because of Twilight being out of character. I can honestly accept the author using how traumatic the experience was as an excuse to have Twilight be too guilt ridden and traumatized to accept the reality of what she had done, and go to this extreme; completely denying it and covering it up. Even though I’d rather it not be that way, it makes for a less cookie cutter ending.
However, the problems come in when I keep thinking about how the story and ending play out. In the ending, it is blatantly clear that Twilight really did give Applejack the potion, and in the overall story, we know that at least the other four friends knew about it too. As they were together at the hospital when Twilight was freaking out about the potion. And, Rainbow Dash was with Twilight the night they were trying to inject AJ with the cure. The rest of the characters in the story are characterized to be show accurate for the most part. None of them have any motivation to let Twilight get away with having Applejack take all the blame and cover up that there was any potion involved. It basically would have to mean that everypony involved was convinced that this was the proper action and that they had to completely remove Applejack from their lives for something they know wasn’t entirely her fault. And, this really doesn’t fit with rest of the story as I had read it.
Not to mention that there isn’t any build up to this ending. If there was a chapter that showed the aftermath of the situation that had Twilight manipulate her friends into accepting the cover up or a whole conflict arising from Twilight’s refusal to accept some blame, maybe even bringing an immoral but actual reason for everypony to cover up the potion, came to light, I could accept this ending. Could’ve even had Applejack take the potion without permission. That would’ve made this exact ending really heart wrenching as Twilight would be trying to convince AJ she just went mad and didn’t cause her own madness. It feels like it’s rushed without really coming up with a compelling reason for the ending.
If the ending were to play out more ambiguously: Twilight not having any hint of really lying to Applejack, and Applejack furiously denying her madness, that also could’ve been a pretty good ending. Leaving it to interpretation. Another could’ve been a clean, tragic ending where Applejack was told everything, and both Twilight and Applejack accepting some kind of severe punishment. Having to live with what happened. I don’t know. Sorry, but this ending really bugged me and could’ve been handled better. I wouldn’t comment about it if I didn’t enjoy the rest of it as much.
I know you've already been getting some comments about this, but this ending was... Really disappointing. I did like it better than The Friendship Test, other than the whole thing with Filthy Rich. From what we've seen of him on the actual show, I highly doubt he'd be this selfish and cruel to the Apple family. He was out of character but I let that slide for the sake of the plot.
However, what really kind of ruined it for me is when you made Twilight lie to Applejack about the potion. I was feeling bad for her up until that one moment; that was EXTREMELY out of character. I'm sorry, it really was. I get you wanted it to be sort of a twist, but getting it with writing a character acting out of proportion from their true self isn't the way to get the story engaging. The only reason it worked for Applejack was because of the potion taking over and rotting her mind; and now Twilight just denies it? I was so confused by it that I genuinely thought for a moment that Applejack had just hallucinated that part. It's such a shame because I really did like this one. You managed to make it original despite basing it off a creepypasta, and it just... It kind of ruins the whole effect for me with this ending.
Now, by no means do I hate this story, or hate your ability to write as an author. I think you're a wonderful author; I promise I do, and I'm a big fan of you, and this story. I just think you need to improve on the way you write the characters, especially when it comes to writing darkfic like this. (I myself have trouble with writing, so please don't take it personally!)
I hope you take this review with a pinch of salt, and I hope you know I still support your work, regardless of what I've said. ^^
No Applejack!! Why!?
This is very good btw! Can't wait to see what happens next!
something i do not get, nor ever will. is The fucking rest of them knew twilight had given her a potion. Now unless they all decided to let an innocent person be blamed for this, why didn't they just kill her instead of cure her only to let her rot
What I have found that scares me is things that are unknown or where you're powerless to do anything.
This is the ultimate powerless situation. Take a look at Applejack: she was dying of the worst insomnia spell ever. I'm surprised she lasted that long. and then she was powerless to say that it was really Twilight's fault.
This has been the ultimate Terror on this site except for things like a Fleeting Light in the Darkness.
I commend you for writing this.
are you going to make a squeal to your story , an apple sleep experiment
what DID happen to applebloom? all we got was a crack, then left wondering what happened without a proper answer.
did she die? did applejack end up killing her, was she paralyzed from hitting the tree?
8587025
I'm utterly terrified by the story, shaking on my seat, and then you just come and make me laugh.
I know This is a serious moment,
But, I guess you could say it was a Sweet Apple Masacre...