It was a normal day in ponyville, starlight goes off to see his mom just like every week. But when she falls into a coma from an injury by a cabbage cart, will this be the last time he goes to his mom's library.....
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 16th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 18th, 2021
Uzlesniz Savage
Formally Watt Savage, if you new me as that, its still me, just changed a bit....im a earth pony now XD, thou im still the same colt, drop by and say hi, Later yo -Uzlesniz
Uzlesniz Savage
Joined 16th Apr, 2012 ·
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Ok, now I feel childish for "firsting" this.
GREAT idea, but needs work on the execution.
First off, Show, don't tell!
Describe the character's features (enough to get all the important features down but leave a little room for imagination),
talk about body language (this, combined with dialogue and a few stray thoughts will get emotions across much better than just saying the emotion),
and give moderate details to the surroundings (a little more if the characters are going to stay there and interact with the area, a little less if they are not going to be doing much in that area or are moving through it with little interaction with the environment.)
Second off, build the characters more before using them.
Who is he? (name)
What does he look like? (species, race, colors (hair, skin, eyes), clothes (if any), special IMPORTANT features, ect...) Try to keep it brief so as to not bore people. Some of these can be implied.
What stereotypes might he follow or what attitude/outlook does he have? (brief explanation of how they usually act and any notable attitude differences.)
Then, using this, how does he feel about the situation at hand? how does he feel about the other characters in general? how does he feel about them in the current situation?
Worth a like but needs work. If you don't want to do anything further with this, fine. Just take this into consideration next time. Copy paste this if you want so you have a check list of sorts to go through and remind you of where to work. No one said writing was easy but it sure gives you a good sense of accomplishment.
Left my advice already on the other chapter. It should help you with the "Show, don't Tell" problem and making your characters deeper.
I like the story, but sorry here comes the grammar nazi.....
You really have to work over your spelling. And please don't write thanx, write thanks.
You wrote I very often 'i'. In english it's written in caps.
I don't know if that's just me, but in the beginning I thought that starlight would be a mare, no stallion.
Then one logical thing, if you were the ruler of a land, would you go and visit every family of which one person is dying? I don't think so, but it's your choice to write that, it doesn't make much of a difference for me.
Since I won't go into further detail with this all, I would recommend you to search a editor.
Like I said, I like the concept, the idea, but you have to work over your writing style.
925733>>925975 thanx for the critisism guys. I know there is little detail and TONS of grammer errors and I will use the critisism in my next story.
Thanx for readin'
Read "Cabbage Cart"
Istantly thought "NO! NOT MY CABBAGES!!!"
927284 ha so true
All the grammar stuff has been covered, so I'll get straight to the point.
Story was fine, nice idea, needs some work. Take your time, no one is rushing you to get any story out by a deadline, mkay? However, as long as you enjoy how you're doing it, keep on going! My first rule of writing: write your heart.
Also, Y U CALL YOUR CHARACTER STARLIGHT TOO?!
Now I feel embarrassed... :/
972013 thanx and i no. Everything that has been said is true. I like writing, its just i can get bored with ideas really fast. Anyhoof, thanx for the critisizm and my next story has ALOT more detail then all of the other ones
thanx for readin
I agree with the grammar, it does need a lot of work, but I like the concept, concept is fine, but grammar and writing needs work.
1014534 thanx for the help.
i will try to make it better, but right now i am currently working on a better story and its almost 2 in the buckin morning.
im bucking insane
P.s. thanx for da fav. It twas unexpected
Damn those cabbages!
media.giphy.com/media/VD9RPr5RHPlio/giphy.gif
Damn them straight to hell!
And btw, is Twilight Australian or something?
...It's just very off-putting to me...