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This is a side story linked to A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner
Lock Down, a member of the prison class royal guards tell the story of an incident that happened to him in his childhood to a prisoner to try and cheer him up.
NOTE: Reading A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner before reading this story is highly recommended in order to enjoy this story fully.
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Nice, Shows that not every criminal is Bad, always view people from the inside not the outside.
Serves him right.
7962704
You should probably go read the story this story is linked to get to know the prisoner character, Abacus Sum.
7963736 I will when i have time
7962730
Well, he defiantly had that coming.
And thank you for adding it to your "Stories" list.
7963737
Awesome!
BTW Thank you for adding this story of mine to your favorites.
7963765 you're welcome, i love storys like this.
I loved it so good.
7966312
Thanks. I was hoping the story of Lock Down's past would be good enough for a laugh.
Could you please include a link to the Contest/Group?
8007703
Oh! You must be talking about the Everfree NW Scribblefest Contest. Right?
Contest?
This has been reviewed by the Reviewer's Cafe. Should you have any questions regarding the review, I would be happy to help.
8024423
I just read the review, and I will tell you a couple of things.
The Flaming Trash Bag prank is actually a toned down version of the old flaming bag of shit prank.
What you said about how you could not enjoy this because you knew nothing about the other story. Maybe I should edit the story description saying that reading my other story "is required" before reading it, instead of being "not required". What do you think?
Also, what you said about my story having typos, missed or misused words. And of it's lack of commas in areas. If it's too much to ask, but could you perhaps proofread it for me, so that I can possibly fix it? That would be a big help.
8025052
I see. I appreciate the nod to making the shit bag more suited for MLP.
I must say, I would agree somewhat with changing the summary—but I would say, it is highly recommended to read the main story first. It can be understood without it, but with difficulty which somewhat defies the point of reading for fun.
Well, for a start, there's one issue right there. "It's" should be "its". Unfortunately, I have too much on my plate at the minute to edit for you, although if you have difficulty finding some examples I would be happy to point out the sort of things that I'm looking at.
Also, it wasn't so much a lack of commas as the misuse of commas before "and".
8026513
Sure. If you can at least point out the sort of things you're looking at, that could help. Then I can re-edit these in this story, and then the same possible problems in my other stories too.
BTW I also re-edited the certain part of the summary disruption too. That way no one will get confused before reading it.
8028247
Okay, to give a few quick examples...
Misused words (etc):
Typos—self explanatory (etc):
Missed words (etc):
Also—though perhaps this is a personal issue, I don't know—using the word "for", or "as" or "because", just sounds sloppy when used to explain something. It just seems too blatantly tell-y.
8029650
Well, I'll see what I can do to correct them, or at least make them sound a bit better. Though some of those you pointed out are questionable and really confusing, and will be quite a challenge for me to do, but I'll try my best. Then when I'm done, I'll reply back to let you know.
8029650
Hey. I just finished the corrections, and did some changes here and there, but I should say that it wasn't easy. I just hope it's better now.
8030743
Questionable and confusing? Please elaborate, I'll explain where I can.
8031542
Well with explaining misused words, your example of it was this:
I don't understand how there was misused words in that part.
With explaining missed words, your examples of them were these:
I don't understand what words was missed in those parts. I didn't see anything wrong with them.
And last, the issue with using "for", or "as" or "because" being too blatantly tell-y, especially since I've read many books that use them, and not just fan fiction mind you. I did try taking out some of them that I could, but the rest of them are difficult and really don't sound right without them.
Like I said: I did edit some of these things, but I have trouble understanding, whether it's to do with my mild autism, or the common complications of writing amateur writers like me get, or a combination of both.
But either way, I just hope these new changes are good enough.
8032809
Some of the misused words may instead have been typos, but if they were genuine words I stuck them there. Anyway, let me elaborate...
The word "of" is, indeed, used wrongly here. It should instead be "for" or "as to", otherwise it reads (put more simply, where the mistake is more obvious) like this:
"I had a lot of anger of what the stallion had seen."
Next one...
So, this part is extremely poorly worded and I was unsure whether the word was misused or whether it was used correctly, but the sentence meaning was changed due to missed words. It just... didn't make sense. There could have been numerous issues which made this wrong...
1) The word "things"—is this meant to be the guards, or is it an item (perhaps an item of destruction)?
2) I went with the theory that it was an item, and so I highlighted the word "protect" since, by that assumption, it should probably have been "be withheld" instead.
I may very well have read this wrongly. As I said, and I don't mean any offence here, this was incredibly poorly written and even now I've had to spend the last five minutes trying to work out what you're trying to say.
Derp! This was my fault. I somehow managed to bold "one of those times" instead of "where". Sorry about that xD
In this case, I added the underscore to show where the word was needed. In this case, you need another word between "corruption" and "syndicate" since it does not much sense when reading. Now, if this was a typo—and this is where I struggled at times with pointing out issues—then "blood thirsty, corrupted syndicate" makes sense.
This is still a blatant issue. A "somewhat bond" doesn't make sense—somewhat what? I think I understand what you were going for, but it's still wrong.
That's quite alright; it's your own style, and that's good. I wouldn't reject a fic based on that alone, but personally I just find it sounds cringey to read.
Anyway, I hope this helped a little more. I was not aware you were on the autistic spectrum but may I just say, don't let that be an excuse to give up on your dreams and goals. Don't feel down about yourself or your writing skills because of it; I'm slightly Asperger's myself, which is obviously similar, and I like to think that I've managed to hone my skills nicely to become at least a pretty good writer, even if I'm far from amazing. I can see you getting there as well.
8034414
It's starting to make a bit more sense now. Though I should tell you why I put the word "things" in "the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals" (which I've recently changed it to "the very things that were suppose to enforce criminals, and protect anypony like him from them").
The reason is, and spoiler alert to my other story it's linked to, is because Abacus Sum lost his wife and unborn child to a horrible house fire that started from a faulty wire from a recently replaced power socket in the kitchen. When the Canterlot investigation force were sent to investigate, they discovered the true cause of the fire, but they were part of a secret bloodthirsty, corrupted syndicate operating between them and Hoofstrong Prison Center. When they discovered that Abacus had a large life insurance cover of 1,200,000 bits for his wife's death, as well as having 530,000 bits in his bank account, due to him being a very skillful accountant, and tax agent. So they waited for Abacus to get his large life insurance payout, before deliberately and falsely charging him for murder, knowing that they would get all the money he had, as well as a descent pay from the government. And then after Abacus was found guilty by the false charges, and sentenced tom life at Hoofstrong Prison Center, they destroyed the real evidence in front of him so that he could never be cleared, like they did to countless other victims before him. Then the guards would do horrible things to him, like bash, and take turns raping him anally and orally, and shocking him with a metal collar that shocks prisoners with 50,000 volts of electricity, causing them great pain whenever they wanted all for just sick, sadistic pleasure. They also would kill the innocent prisoners, like beating them to death, hanging them with another form of torture, or Armstrong's dog would rip their throat out. And bare in mind: those are just some of examples of what the guards at hoofstrong did, and on a daily basis (which I'm planning to write a long story about all that Abacus suffered, and it will have clop, violence, and be quite dark). I should even mention that the guards Armstrong would secretly recruit with the Canterlot investigation force's help were all criminals ranging from common brutal thugs to rapists and sexual offenders. This corruption, conspiracy syndicate operated for 10 whole years without anyone knowing, not even Princess Celestia herself knew of it. It was only after Princess Luna's return did Celestia became aware of it, due to Luna's power to enter into the dreams of others. And a unicorn pony guard from Hoofstrong named "Turncoat" who was the most trusted right-hand of Armstrong secretly came forward, helped put an end to it, and revealed the truth of all surviving, and deceased prisoners.
So now you know why I described the Canterlot investigation force, and the guards who used to run Hoofstrong as "Things". It was to describe them both, and to help avoid a big spoiler in case they didn't read the story it's linked to first. But on the other hand, it wouldn't matter since it's given away at the start anyway. LOL! But maybe I should change "things" to maybe "ones", as it describes ponies involved.
And one part of writing this reply just gave me an idea.
I found a word to put in at "the blood-thirsty, corruption _syndicate", and that word is possibly "conspiracy". I'll add that in now. I just hope this is right word. If not, maybe "crime" might work better.
For "forming a somewhat bond with him", I wrote it like that because it was narrative first person. Like telling the reader how the character is seeing and feeling in his own words, like those movies with first person narration in it. But I've since changed it to " forming a bond with him" to help make it sound more sense.
It should help a bit more, and I hope these new changes have made it better. Also, that is good encouragement what you said. I don't let my autism get me down. I found out that there are and were many celebrities who had or even speculated to have autism/asperger's. Like Robin Williams, Albert Einstein, Michael Jackson, Steven Spielberg, Mozart, Bob Dylan, the list goes on.
Thank you for your encouragement. And I hope these new changes I did to this story help fix it.
Hiya! I reviewed this fic on Blunt Reviews. Check it out in the review link! Which is right below.
Review link
I didn't actually say it in the review, but I think the corrections that have been done to the fic, aside from the one in the synopsis I pointed out, are 'pretty solid', and I had no trouble reading it at all when I got into the proper 4.4k.
8269996
Thank you for letting me know. I'll look at it soon.