Anypony can travel Equestria, but only a few get to do it while making it a better place to live. Those few are City Guards, like me. I figured I'd log my journey up through the Guard rankings and unit postings with as much detail as I could. That way I could remember the good, and the bad about every place I go. I have no idea what is in my future, and I don't really want to know. Well... not everything at least.
Note: For this Story, the Alternate Universe tag, refers to the timeline and events of the show and comic books being extended/slightly altered and gaps of the show being filled in from this Point Of View. Sex tag is for suggestive terms.
Edited by PonyJosiah13
Companion Story: Flames
Chapters (41)
Not bad. You have a good start, and for what appears to be a first story, you did a pretty good job at getting us interested.
However, this could use a lot of work. Let me give you some criticisms and advice:
1. Describe the settings a little: show us the buildings, the rooms you walk into, the color of the sky, the DIs and officers that we meet. If you're not giving us enough of a setting, the world you craft is thin and bland. Put in some more detail, and it'll be great!
2.
Ponies don't have thumbs, so this stands out as odd.
3. You could possibly go into more detail about the PT.
4. Snow's description is a little inadequate. Give us some more detail about her so we can get a clear image of her. Come to think of it, we don't know what Strider looks like either.
5. The description about how many family members Strider has is unnecessary and it stalls the action. You could put that later, when we actually do meet his family. And again, we could use descriptions of what they look like.
That, and a few grammatical corrections will make this story even better! I'd like to help you out with this if you have any plans on rewriting or continue it.
A solid foundation, a promising start and another reader tracking this.
Keep up the good work.
7556817 Thanks for the kind words. I've never been very confident with my work. 7551421 is helping.
Great Chapter. Bat Ponies Yay!
Well that was cute.
I'll give you a Cadet Strider! Bah dum tsk.... or something. ;) I'm with TAM that this is a good start. Definitely sets the right tale vibe for a guard career in the making. I did notice that you have a tendency to jump tenses a bit. Some sentences have present structure where most of the story is written in past tense. Might be worth ironing out when you find the time. <-- HA! Terrible pun is terrible. ;)
Looks like discipline is pretty lax here.
The plot (and likely the Alfredo sauce) thickens! I'm thoroughly enjoying this.
Uh oh. Storms are on the home front with Snow
7722267 Whaaat? pfft. I don't know what you mean.
7723795 Maaaaybe.
Holy crap! a pegasus pun I feel like I should have heard a hundred times but haven't! genius!
Can you feel the Looooove tooonight!
Orion? Thasus? Atlas? somebody loves their mythology.
So true, those times in life when everything is so simple and repetitious (but in a good way)
I didn't even notice this story was in first person until now, kudos to you! that's just good writing
Oh snap! I just thought she was smitten with him. But she's got serious self esteem issues, it all becomes so clear now.
Interesting, I am currently reading this with a sore throat...does pineapple juice really work?
hahaha for half a second I thought the childs name was "Hay-for-brains" and was like WHAT TERRIBLE PARENTS! oh good it's the father. I need to read slower.
dang KG, you can spend 3 seconds to help him, be a friend!
I bet that would be much more expressive than shrugging your shoulders.
I've had to work with people like this that I had to spend all day with but have a different idea of how to do the same job. It's tough to learn to compromise
Haha! BAM! Wing boner!
A white thestral? does that happen? *one google search later* huh, not much but I guess it's a thing
haha! why whatever could that mean?
Really? in the week he's been here?
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/c/c9/Rainbow_Dash_'Best._Wedding.'_S2E26.png/revision/latest?cb=20120429142915 That's how my wife gets me to hurry too.
Oh yeah, I forgot I like her best, Potential Romantic Interest #1, here we come!
Interesting, although it supports the idea that he wants to travel the world. Probably because he's never left Canterlot. Guard training likely didn't feel very independent so Tall Tale is probably the most independence he's ever gotten. I remember my first time living away from home, it's pretty eye opening.
I did this literally every week until my mom was in her 60s. Classic.
Is NOPONY going to ask what he's doing away from his assigned town?! she's the second character to meet him and not ask what in the world he's doing in Canterlot.
Watch out, she also has the sharingan.
Congratulations, even in Q&B the armor is useless 99% of the time. Finally it does some good. I actually really like this because the armor helps but he still gets somewhat injured, and doesn't even notice it until later due to adrenaline.
Best line of the chapter, you can't say something like that and NOT feel clever.
7833282 I was laughing the entire time reading your comments
Also: Yes, Pineapple juice does help with a sore throat. I like giving a twist of real life.
Lack of sleep makes me chatty, you've been warned.
Hey! that's a perfectly logical question!
interesting nobody in Canterlot wonders that (just teasing)
aaand and I bet that's at least the 2nd or 3rd reference you've made to the other story, I love the tie-ins!
Thank you K2so. You made the money worth it
Ooh! Ooh! episode tie-in! calling it now!
hahaha! that makes total sense from this perspective
Dang, because of this line I went and watched the ending to that episode. You tricked me you little bugger! touche!
Also, Rarity's makup looks rediculous. Just throwing that out there.
A strict diet of solidified masculinity and the hopes of his enemies.
Was your grandfather Gandalf?
Good chapter, love the tie-ins.
I wonder if Fleetfoot and Orion will react on strider's comment about getting shot
You just jinxed yourself.
and she is to never know you uttered those words
pfft, women...
Yeah but he just took such good pictures of that warehouse. The lighting was spot on and the background just made those palletts sing.
Hey! can somebody help me support this 4th wall here?
Whew! that was a close one!
I usually assume spontaneous combustion and death. If you look at it from that perspective, the possibility of avoiding a fiery death is actually pretty high. 10 points for optimism!
Enope
That almost sounds like a metaphor.
I don't know any historical criminals...does Moriarty count?
Yes I see the errors in the chapter. Yes I'm gonna fix them. Sunday night probably, Monday morning at the latest.
If you want the errors fixed sooner you can come cover my position at work while I edit. If not suck it up and deal with it until I have some time.
A nice Tale. Thanks for writing this.
8005210 It’s no issue really. You're actually reading the assignment my therapist gave me to calm me down and manage my anger issues. :P
I am an undignified pile of squee right now. I hope you're happy.
I really have an interest in this Stone. Wonder how he'll work out in SI. I'm predicting some kind of savant, but that is just my first impression. And my shipping can't be denied, even Granny is on my side. Ask her out, Strider!
8017074 Yes I'm happy. Not really. And as far as the shipping goes it may as well be a ship, shipping ships, shipping ships. I also hid something in the last arc that is gonna rear it's ugly head in this one.
And just like that, the sales of padlocks plummets when they realize that literally any pony can break them at will
Fooooooore shadowing!
Well that's your first problem, you need to learn how to read. This is what reading Russian feels like to me. But only because I can't read stupid Russian
...
No offense if you're Russian
Not just the promise of bits, ACTUAL bits. Trust me, it's different
I wont about errors, thats not my job. Plus, I only caught two or three spelling errors in the whole chapter
While I can't compare with the original, I would say you are doing a great job with this story.
Murder at a pet shop? This is most...fowl
8075380 That pun physically hurt. Just, no. lol
8075380 Very punny.
I hope there'sa happy ending for Jett
Sweet Celestia, I guess it was too much to hope for. Seems like Coin Shark bit off more than he could chew when he used his trusty little friend on Nightpaw. Better to tie up loose ends, but my money is on his boss lady ordering the discarding of said loose ends.
Good use of Fluttershy. And here's to hoping Dino sticks his snoot into more cases when occasion calls. Especially if evidence is hard to "find."
8111782 I'm working on it.
8111848 Innocent Whistling
8112067 What? No, no that wasn't the plan at all.
Adopt her you idiot!
And you get a Daaaawww! At the end
Why is sex capitalized?
8145018 SHUSH! Just wait and see.
Gawd, people guessing what I'm doing n'stuff. The inner workings of my mind are an enigma. spilled milk
8145044 You attack the poor discription? What did it ever do to you? Mr. Ruthless over here.
a vary good chapter I like it.
I am kind of hoping we find out more about how Jett makes out in the long run.
and I remember one thing at the end.
by being a niggerdragon. It's cool though, he might be an ambassador of a sovereign foreign power but not one that can threaten us.
Oh come on! It was obviously Halberd when he first overheard the assassins talking about their unicorn boss! How many more clues do these three dunces need?
Um, huh?
FINALLY! And he only had to get smacked in the face with it.
An investigator you ain't, son.
It's called an apostrophe, and it goes right between the 'e' and the 'r'. Don't worry, most of those 'we are' contractions are missing it... both in this story and in Flames. It has been bugging me for a while, just not enough to comment... but how could I resist such a perfect set up?!
Impedes- delay or prevent (someone or something) by obstructing them; hinder.
Impugns- to challenge as false (another's statements, motives, etc.); cast doubt upon.
Why, hello Doctor Hodges!
Angela, looking lovely as ever today.
And... I have no Idea who you are.
And... I'm gonna guess that Strong Hoof is the pony version of someone named Strong Arm?
Or would that be ponified Armstrong?
I'm never going to be able to stop hearing all his lines in Hodges' voice.
8145018
But he is a single stallion in the guard! And he lives in the barracks with two other guards! And he is going to be jumping from city to city for his career! What? I'm not just listing reasons it wouldn't be practical for him to do it... I'm listing reasons that a competent social worker would deny the adoption.
...
Obviously he should get his parents to adopt her. That is a much more feasible solution.
8151008 it could work with him adopting Jett. He would have to state parental backup as his parents though. That was my plan. He would be primary care giver, and when he was away, his parents would take over. Is there anything wrong with this plan?
On a side note, foals are mare magnets. Snow would be gushing all over Jett, not to mention all the interaction between him and Snow