Will Ye No Come Back Again?

by Judge Holden

Taking the A Train

"If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scenes, they'll find the streets are guarded by United States Marines."

-Unknown

---

I was only on a train once before, and that was when I was being transported to what would be the final place I ever saw on Earth. I was squished between Sasquatch and some doofy guy that bunked above me who everyone called Gomer Pyle for some reason.

A desire of mine when I was small was to have a fight on the top of a train, but eventually I decided to settle for just looking out the window of one while I rode.

Needless to say, when I was told we would be taking a 45 minute train ride to our barracks, I was excited. Ultimately, however, I was stuck between two sweaty dudes with no view of the window. Part of Private Pyle was on my knee, and I didn't know if it was a part I could push off or not.

That was then, however.

When I awoke the next morning, my head was aching and the sun was shining. I had no idea what time it was. The party had gone on until 11 that night.

But what fun I had! It felt new to me. I don't remember laughing or enjoying myself ever since I got here. It was a nice change of pace to be able to smile and feel good.

I initially kept to myself for a while during, but be it Pinkie's influence or something in the punch, I found myself mingling with the others as well, especially a trio that referred to themselves as (words withheld) Crusaders. I recognized one of them as Rarity's sister, Sweetie Belle. The others were apparently Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, which were the biological and adopted sisters of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, respectively.

I could see the relation between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, but... Scootaloo seemed kind of odd to me. She was wearing a helmet when I first saw her, which made me think she was like Stevie until I found out she owned a scooter and had only just arrived before I did. I came this close to giving her that "I'm-Sorry-You're-Slow" wave.

Scootaloo spent a lot of time with her other two friends, but also a healthy amount of it with Dash- she told me she was under her care as she was orphaned. They all invited me to hang out at a clubhouse of theirs one day after school, which begged the question: Was I going to be sent to school?

I probably shouldn't have asked Pinkie while she was having an apple bobbing contest with Applejack, because she told me that I was absolutely the cooliest and not to let Rainbow Dash tell me otherwise.

As it turned out, I would end up being sent to school, but first we needed paperwork.

The rest of the party came and went as a blur of simple games and chattering. When I was finally sent to bed, it was very late and I was exhausted and full of tasty cake.

My current lodging has been doing me good, it seemed. My mane was no longer absolutely disgusting, nor was my fur. I actually felt pretty okay. The spot on my arm where the nurse prodded me still ached a bit, but I had a clean feeling about me; the feeling you get when you're well taken care of. In addition, I noted a bit of a spring to my step of late, which was very absent when I first got here.

Also whenever I took a bath, the water didn't end up looking like coffee when I was done like the first time. I felt so guilty because of it and insisted I clean the tub for them, which I did.

I felt a smile pull at my face again. During basic training, I was made to clean the latrines so often that even my drill instructor would admit with begrudging respect that my cleaning job was impressive. He didn't phrase it that way, though.

He said, "Private Pie, you did a fine job on that toilet. I'll bet the Virgin Mary herself would be honored to take a dump in it."

Well, not Private Pie. Private... Private, uhh...

...Well, there goes the smile. What was my last name?

Oh, right! Stone. Sammy Stone. Still, though it had returned to me, my anxiety was not quelled.

"Why am I losing my memory?" I whispered to myself.

I had no time to dwell on my advancing amnesia. Pinkie shot up from the foot of my bed and made a funny face while babbling at me, and if she was trying to get me to squeak and fall backwards out of the bed, she succeeded.

The thing was, she also caught me. I felt like I could have lived with her my whole life up to that point and still would not be used to her antics. I have no idea how she even got in the room without my noticing- the door was shut all night and I didn't see or hear it open since I woke up.

Pinkie's giggles echoed through the still fairly empty room- save for a dresser, closet, mirror and bed, there was nothing. Not that I was ungrateful for my lodging! It's just an observation.

"I couldn't resist! Sorry!" she laughed. I felt a smile creep onto my lips and chuckled as well, albeit still sleepily.

"You got me alright," I said. "How are you, Pink Menace?"

Again she completely ignored my nickname for her, as if I'd said nothing out of the ordinary.

"I'm great! No, better than great! Super great! Super duper, even! I hadn't slept so good since I got my Masters in Astrophysics! That one was a doozy. How did you sleep?"

I smiled at her as I got to my feet.

"I slept like a log," I said. "A log with a belly full of cake."

She grinned. "Wasn't it yummerlicious? I knew you weren't allergic to gluten!"

"Thank you again," I said. "I had fun last night."

Pinkie looked like she was so happy she was about to burst into a cake and confetti strewn mess in this room- my room.

She surprised me though. She didn't end up actually exploding, and also she didn't scream. Instead, she whispered, "Yay!"

With that, she led me to the door. "C'mon! Brush your teeth and meet me downstairs for breakfast. We have a big day today too!"

Then, she suddenly frowned. "And we need to talk about your memory loss, missy. Don't think I didn't hear that!"

I blinked. "What memory loss?" I asked. She reared up and away from me.

"It's getting worse! Sammy! Sammy, it's me. Pinkie. Piiiiiinkie. You are Sammy. Saaaaaaooh, you're kidding, aren't you?"

I nodded with a giggle, which Pinkie joined in on. "Alright, you got me back! But that just means war!" she warned. I gave a nod.

"I'm no stranger to such things," I said to her. She figured I meant prank wars but I knew well what I was really saying.

I did as I was asked and wandered into the bathroom to brush my teeth, pushing a small stool out from under the sink so I could see my reflection in the mirror. I'd been given a blue toothbrush that had a caricature of a pony I did not know on it with the phrase "Daring Do."

I mean, I remembered the name from some of the books at the doctor, but I didn't read them. They wouldn't have been my first choice, anyway. I swear I saw a book called The Bible II. Or was it The Bridle II?

I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride bubble up within myself. I'd improved enough with my magic that I was able to hold my toothbrush with it. Though I was very shaky, it was progress for me. My running and walking issues were all but resolved. I was really getting used to this body!

I felt a cold weight drop in my stomach as I pondered. I really was getting used to this body, wasn't I? What did that mean for the human body- my human body? Suppose I turned back tomorrow. Would I remember how to walk on two legs? Would I remember how to use hands? How would it feel to not have magic?

Moreover, did I really want to know? I was so bad with magic that I didn't even consider myself a novice at it, but even I knew how important and helpful it was here.

When I finished brushing I gave the filly in the mirror a long stare. I scowled.

"I really don't like you," I said to my reflection.

It felt like something within me wilted, like I'd disappointed someone and knew it. I could feel a growl preparing to rumble in my throat, and I lept from the stool, nudging it under the sink again.

Even the toothpaste tasted like a pastry. Have I mentioned that this place was weird?

---

Breakfast was eaten in silence between us all. For the Cakes, it was due to their alternating between a few bites of some pancakes and sips of coffee and sprucing up the place before they opened. Pinkie was too busy wolfing down 25 pancakes- I counted. I was just feeling awkward and trying to eat and be invisible at the same time. Can unicorns do that?

I felt very awkward and out of place at Sugarcube Corner for several months. I made it a point to always keep myself occupied, and out of the place as much as possible once everything had settled down. If I wasn't seeing the (words withheld) Crusaders, I was doing some errands for Rarity or being taught something I didn't want to be taught by Twilight Sparkle.

I hated having idle hooves at Sugarcube Corner. It still felt like Pinkie's place to me rather than my own. What I'm saying is, I didn't like to do anything with my leisure time there because I felt really uncomfortable.

The Cakes seemed to understand my trepidation, but Pinkie did not. She thought I was just avoiding the place because I didn't like them or something. Fortunately for me, it was a matter of explaining my real issue to fix things. Pinkie can be quick to jump to conclusions, but even if you wrong her, she's one of the easiest ponies in the world to apologize to.

As bubbly as she was, she knew when to get serious too. She would be there whenever anypony needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, or even a friendly ear for a chat.

When I say anypony, I mean anypony. Even the ones on the very brief list that she was not friends with. I admit I grew to love her in time.

I felt a poke on my arm and I looked up from my pancakes. Now that I had the basics of my horn unlocked, eating was not such a messy experience anymore.

"Yes'm?" I asked. Mrs. Cake gave me a smile.

"What manners! I think you'll make a great impression at the palace if you keep that up, dear."

I blinked. My Dad always told me that if he didn't say it when he was a kid, the next thing he heard was a belt buckle clearing belt loops. Take it from somepony with experience, too: You'd better hope he clears it on the first try.

"Aww, I wanted to tell her!" said Pinkie through a mouthful of waffle. Yes, waffle. She finished her pancakes and had moved on up.

"Sorry, Pinkie. I'm sure you have a few other surprises in that mane of yours, though!"

I glanced at the Pink Menace, then back at Mrs. Cake. This was about the palace? It wasn't exactly a secret that I was to go there.

"Was that all, ma'am?" I asked. She shook her head.

"I meant to ask if you'd like some orange juice dear. Surely the water must be boring!"

I gave a shy smile. Orange juice was one of my favorite drinks back home.

"I think I would like that very much, ma'am. Thank you."

She gave me a pat on the back.

"I'll be right back with a glass."

I heard a hiccup come from the Pink Menace, and looked to her again. Her plate was spotless. How was she not obese? Yeah, she was kind of chubby, but given how much she can eat, I was stunned she wasn't the size of the bakery itself. Only one thing can possibly move faster than light, and that is Pinkie Pie's metabolism. Where was she putting all that food?

She gave her full belly a satisfied smack, and eyed me curiously. "What? I was hungry!"

"Do you have a hollow leg?" I asked her.

She only blinked, then shook her head. "No, my legs aren't hollow."

Her eyes widened. "Are they?! What if they really are? Then I'll be a big ol' pink hollow leggipants!"

I giggled softly. Mrs. Cake returned with a glass of the orange delight, and I gave her my thanks.

The rest of breakfast consisted of me nibbling at my pancakes and sipping my orange juice while trying to convince Pinkie there was nothing to worry about and that her legs were not hollow.

Then, we were out the door. I offered to wash the dishes, but Pinkie ushered me outside.

"No time for that! We have to get to Rarity's to pick up your dress and then get to the train station!"

I froze. "Train station?" I echoed. She nodded while she walked- how long had I been on her back now?

"Yepperoni! The ride should only be an hour or so. No need to get my own train cars attached for that."

I blinked. "What are you talking about?"

She grinned over her shoulder at me.

"We're going to the palace, silly filly! Remember? Boring paperwork, discussions, and really tasty hors d'oeuvres?"

I felt my blood run cold. "That's today? I thought you meant tomorrow or something!"

"Nope! Today is the day!"

Not good. I barely had the time to do up my mane or anything. I didn't even have a bath yet!

Pinkie seemed to have an idea of what was causing me distress, because she reassurred me that the train we were using, the Excess Express, came complete with standard seats, a dining car, personal quarters for longer trips which included bathtubs and showers, and I swear she said there was car for roller blading.

She also told me that she got us a personal room just for the hour long trip so I could bathe and get myself ready.

Needless to say, I felt very guilty.

"Pinkie, that couldn't be cheap. You didn't have to do that. I could just go back and bathe quickly."

She shook her head. "Nope! Already have the room key. Don't feel bad, Sammy. The tickets were only 1,000 Bits! They were on sale."

I stared incredulously at her. "Only 1,000? That's a sale?"

She grinned at me again while we walked into the Botique.

"Great deal! They usually go for around 4,000 a pop! Hey, why do we say a pop, anyway? Shouldn't it be a ticket? That doesn't sound gramatically correct to me, though."

I said nothing back, even as we approached Rarity. Pinkie Pie calls home a cozy little bakery that is well to do, but not so much that I could see one grand as being anything other than a substantial amount of money. Granted, I'd gone from the roaring twenties to no monies in my time, but still...

When I realized I was being spoken to by Rarity herself, I apologized for my stupor. My constant distractions would conspire against me, though, and I would be made to speak to Twilight Sparkle about what troubled me. I'll get to that, though.

Rarity wanted to pull me aside for a quick chat, and she assurred me I was not in trouble. Pinkie happily waited by the door with my dress on a hanger.

"Now that you've been with her for a few days, I need to know something."

I blinked, but said nothing yet.

"What do you know about Pinkie?" she asked me. I looked over my shoulder at her to see her grinning at me and waving.

"I- Well, she- See, she found me- I..."

I took a breath and looked at Rarity.

"She's Pinkie Pie."

"That's all?"

I was about to nod, but I spoke more. "She's got a few master degrees."

Rarity gave a chuckle. "A few? That's the understatement of the century. What I mean is, what do you know about her family?"

I shrugged to the best of my ability. "Not much."

Rarity pulled me closer, as if she were going to tell me a secret of great importance.

"Pinkie Pie is very kind. She loves to help her friends and make them smile and laugh. Having said that, it's possible for some unscrupulous sorts to take advantage of her good nature."

She took a breath. "Pinkie's always very bubbly and kind. Especially now that she's off the rock farm."

I started to feel pressure, as well as a feeling of understanding. I felt my head tilt.

"Hold on, rock farm?"

Rarity ignored me and continued.

"I just want to be sure you're not the sort to take advantage of my friend. I would hate to see her upset."

I shook my head. "Never."

She gave me a hard stare. "Pinkie Promise?"

I blinked. "Uhh, what?"

Rarity gave me a false smile. "Come now, Pinkie Promise me that you won't hurt her."

I looked her over, as if searching for some way to tell that she was making a joke. She was quite serious.

"Uhh, I Pinkie Promise."

She chuckled. "Do as I do and repeat after me, okay?"

She held a hoof up to her chest. "Cross my heart, hope to fly..."

I mimicked her as requested. She then moved her hoof to her eye.

"Stick a cupcake in my eye."

...

I thought she was just trying to make me be cute at first, but again I saw that she was being serious and I owed her more than a favor, so I went ahead and recited the most nauseatingly saccharine statement I'd then heard in my 6 years of life. Apparently it defused whatever was ticking in Rarity, because she smiled.

"There. Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise. Let's just say your luck may turn terrible if you did. A broken Pinkie Promise is the fastest way to lost a friend."

"Forever."

I looked over my shoulder at the Pink Menace. She was not facing us and did not seem to know what we were talking about, but I still swear I heard her voice. I felt more than a little weirded out by what just happened, so I wanted to change the subject to literally anything else.

So, of course, I said:

"Hey Pinkie, what's a rock farm?"

---

I was tired of hearing people coo and aww in passing on the train, but I suppose I was bringing it upon myself.

I never had my chance to watch the world go whizzing by from a train. Not without a big sweaty dude with a beard in the way, at least.

I'm not sure why he had a beard. They were the first things to be shaved off in boot camp. The rumor was that a few people did attempt to shave it off, but it kept coming back as soon as they tried. Eventually they just gave up.

I digress. The point is I, this red unicorn filly was beside the Pink Menace with my front hooves on the window, my eyes tracing everything as we whizzed past. I was trying my best to keep it from my face, but it's not easy to hide a sense of wonder if you're doing something you wanted to do for the better part of your life, even something as simple as admiring scenery from a train.

I could see Pinkie's reflection in the window as well, and her grin was making my lips fight a losing battle. I felt myself beginning to smile as well.

Funny, that seemed to happen a lot around her.

She shot toward me and put a hoof on the glass next to my face.

"Look! Look! Looklooklook!!!"

I blinked, and looked where she was pointing. Forest.

"What am I looking at?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Don't you see? My sister grew those boulders!"

I squinted my eyes, and saw three boulders sitting by one of the trees. I felt my eyes droop. You see, Pinkie explained that a rock farm was exactly as it sounded: they grew rocks there.

I'm not making this up. They have a special method of growing rocks as if they were crops, which has to be exactly as boring as my description of it was.

Still, she credited the farm for her own rearing, so while I don't like the thought of working with rocks, I had to give them credit for bringing up this mixed bag of nuts.

Oh, were you hoping I'd go into how she just happened to know where three of her sister's boulders would be? Sure: Because Pinkie Pie.

"Cool, huh? She loves rocks. She can tell you all about them! I have to introduce you one day!"

I gave a nervous chuckle. "That, uhh... That sounds fun."

It actually sounded like the anti-fun to me, but...

"Yay! Ooh, but first things first: You should take your bath!"

I frowned, and eyed the window again.

"Come on. I know somepony that really wanted a bath before getting to the palace!"

She had me there. I got out of the seat and walked with her to the private quarters, though not without sparing another look at the window.

---

"Attention all passengers," came a voice over an intercom. I jolted in the water. Uh oh...

"We will be arriving in Canterlot in five minutes. Those who are disembarking, please prepare to do so now. We thank you for riding the Excess Express and hope to shatter you financially again soon."

Pinkie flew into the bathroom with my dress, and she looked positively frenzied.

"Gotta go! C'mon! Dry yourself off and let's get you dressed!"

How did I lose track of the time like that? Stupid filly.

I found myself wrestling my way into the dress while Pinkie tried to dry my mane. She was babbling on and on about how much I was going to love the palace, and at the same time was giving me a lecture on paying more attention to the time.

I didn't bother pointing out that she was napping on the bed while I bathed and only just woke up herself. Instead, I focused on preparing myself. I could feel anxiety blossoming within my heart. What was to be expected from a visit to a palace but such emotions? Especially for one like me who was fairly rough around the edges.

It turned out we weren't the only ones who lost track of the time, so I felt a little bit better. When we got to the door, the train had reached a standstill. I recall seeing an officer fall over on my first train ride because he was standing when it stopped. Were all trains here so gentle on their deceleration?

Even the ones in front of us looked disheveled, like the announcement had come too soon for them. One was still dripping from what I hoped was a shower, I saw a stallion standing next to a mare panting heavily with a mussed up mane, and I swear one of them was wearing roller blades and trying to pull them off and balance a few suitcases at the same time.

Finally, the doors opened, and the passengers before us flooded out like the Gates of Hell had opened. Some ran to a few ponies waiting nearby; others to another train terminal. I looked up at Pinkie, and she smiled excitedly at me.

"I love it here," she said. "Canterlot is where I got my Master in Analytical Psychology."

I blinked.

"Pinkie! C'mon already! Appointment, remember?"

I looked up to see Rainbow Dash's head poking over the side of a cloud.

"Twilight's been stalling for you. Or as Rutger Hauer calls it, shtalling."

I looked over my shoulder, and let out an unconscious "Eep!"

A minature version of that annoying prick Discord was standing on my back. I quickly shook him off. Before he touched the ground, he was back at his full size.

"Why?" I asked. Discord reached an arm up and seemed to grip one of the clouds, even though he was well below it. He took a chunk of cloud and bit into it.

I swear to God.

"Because he's Dutch," said Discord. I felt my ears flatten on my head.

"No, I mean why were you- have you never heard of personal space?"

"Is that a band?" asked Pinkie. I put a hoof to my eyes.

"We weren't that late. Were we?" I asked.

"Duh! You were due for boring paperwork in Princess Celestia's palace! Everypony knows 15 minutes early is 10 minutes late!"

I glanced up at Dash, then at Pinkie, who- she had the look. Pupils shrunk down, her normally poofy mane drooped, and she was vibrating in place such that I feared her drilling through the dirt.

"We're late!!!!!" she shrieked. She gripped me by the scruff of my neck and took off. Here we go.

I managed to look over my shoulder enough that I could see Rainbow laughing hysterically on her back, and Discord waving us off like we were long lost relatives.

--

It turned out we weren't late. Dash and Discord only said that to screw with us. I don't even think Twilight was there. I later found out both were big on tricks, as too was the Pink Menace. I made it my mission to get them both back one day, but every time I tried, I failed. Dash simply found ways to detect what I had planned and would just go around it, then tell me I had to do better than that, squirt.

Discord would actually fall for my pranks every time, except every time he fell for them they backfired and left him completely okay and me the victim of my own tricks.

The only one who seemed to have a way of tricking Dash and Discord was Pinkie. It was kind of embarrassing to me. You see, back home I prided myself on quite a few pranks. For example:

The town I lived in was a small hamlet just under a large cliff face. Atop the cliff was a dense wooded area. Some of the trees actually had a few branches overlooking the cliff, which meant someone with balls of steel could set up a tire swing. Or, in our case, someone with a few mental issues.

Not my brother. Everyone called him "Mad" Jack. The problem was his name wasn't actually Jack. Come to think of it, I don't know what his real name was.

Suffice it to say, he was crazy. So, when we dared him to set up a tire swing on a branch overlooking the neighborhood, he just sorta said, "Hold my beer."

So, he set us up this tire swing, and it worked like a charm. Eventually, I and this group of my friends were bored, so we looked to a friend of mine named Dave, and decided to play a little prank on his mom. Nobody liked her anyway.

We made a dummy, and we dressed it in some of Dave's clothes, and we stuck it on the tire swing. It was around midday and his mom was putting some laundry up to dry in the back yard. We push the dummy over the edge of the cliff, and shouted, "Davey, look out!!!" His mom looked up just in time to see the dummy tumble over the side of the cliff.

She just passed out.

Who was the mastermind behind it? This girl- uhh, guy! But try as I might, I was still never able to pull a successful prank on anyone here.

I really did have some learning to do, didn't I?

We did owe them both a word of thanks, considering by forcing us to show up extra early as opposed to just plain early, we were also granted a place to sit. I was later told that the crowd waiting for anything involving paperwork or medical procedures often quickly filled any seats available, and ponies were left standing until a seat was either freed, they were called, or they died a natural death.

I'll admit it was good I was being carried through the place, because I would have either gotten lost or just been wandering aimlessly. The architecture here was amazing. The ceiling was well overhead; I could swear it went higher than the clouds at its pinnacle. Stained glass windows told tales throughout the place and a few clear windows allowed the golden light of the sun to peer in. In the main hall, I could see a large red carpet leading up a set of steps, and I saw two thrones atop the steps. Both were vacant, but the room itself sure wasn't. I'd never seen so many horses in one place before.

I felt Pinkie's front legs buckle and I feared being too heavy for her, but it quickly became apparent she was bowing to the empty thrones. Me, still being clenched in her jaws, could do nothing of the sort. Not that I was sure I wanted to anyway.

Without another word we continued through a labyrinth of halls, twists, turns and curves. Funny enough, I saw no signs instructing who to go where. I had to assume Pinkie just knew where to go. Maybe she had a map she studied while I was gazing out the window? I don't know.

The remainder of the trip seemed to blend together for me, because I blinked, and I was seated next to her in a waiting room. She had her eyes closed and she was humming to herself. There were only a few others in the waiting room with us at the time.

Before me I saw a chest full of toys again, and I eyed my horn. I didn't want to throw anything around or have a visit from what's-his-face again, so I was content trying to keep myself frozen to the spot.

I eyed a desk not far from us, where a stallion wearing some formalwear was sitting. He was busying himself with some paperwork, and once he saw me looking at him he gave a huff and left the room.

I blinked. Was it something I said?

"Pi."

My ears perked up and I looked to the source of the voice, which was another stallion in a brown coat with a set of wings on his back. I could not see his flank, because he was wearing a white doctor's coat.

I looked over my shoulder at Pinkie, who had not moved even a little. I made a move to get up.

"Not us, Sammy."

I blinked. "He said Pie."

"Pi," he called again, as if to accentuate my point. She shook her head without even opening her eyes.

"Not us," she simply repeated. Before I could turn to the doctor again, however, another young colt dressed to the nines had leapt from a chair and walked towards the doctor. He kept his nose up high like he knew he was shining like a new penny.

I rested back against the chair, and looked to Pinkie.

"How?"

Without opening her eyes, she pointed to her tail, which was twitching, then her right ear, which looked like it was dancing.

"When the tail is a twitchin' and right ear a flickin', somepony nearby has something in common with you," she said as if it were a sufficient answer.

It wasn't. How'd she figure it was the sur- right, this is Pinkie we're talking about.

Suddenly, her eyes shot open and she grinned wildly at me. "Ooh! Whatcha wanna do for Nightmare Night, anyway? You never told me what you wanted to go as!"

Ah, yes. That. I gave her a small smile. "And you never told me who Nightmare was, anyway."

She gasped. "That's right, I forgot! You see, Nightmare Moon was a mean meanipants that possessed Princess Luna and tried to bring about eternal night, but Princess Celestia sent her to the moon so she could think about what she did. Only it didn't work! Because she came back and the others and I all had to work together to send her back."

I blinked. "Princess Luna's a demon?"

There was a gasp from a few of the ponies around me, including Pinkie. The latter, however, gave me a frown and pointed a hoof at me.

"No! Bad Sammy! No, Princess Luna is really nice. Nightmare Moon is something else."

I blinked. Did she just chastise me as if I were a pet? Or was that just Pinkie being Pinkie? I wasn't sure if I should be angry or confused, so I settled on confused. It seemed to be my go to while I was here, anyway.

"So, Nightmare Moon is...?"

"She's the demon that possessed Princess Luna and tried to take over Equestria, now stop talking about her before she hears you and comes back!" snapped the stallion at the desk- oh, when'd he get back?

I blinked. Pinkie frowned.

"So, what does she have to do with Halloween?" I asked.

"We get dressed up so we aren't recognized as ponies, and we gather candy from everypony we can to offer so she doesn't gobble us up!"

"Do you poison the candy first?" I asked.

Pinkie shook her head.

"Add razor blades?"

She shook her head.

"Use the opportunity to ambush her?"

She shook her head. I sighed.

"Then I don't get it. It's almost like you're rewarding this meat sack for being trouble. My advice? Shoot her."

"Ms. Pie, if you don't get that one to clam up, you're both going to have to wait outside."

I shot a glare at the stallion at the desk, and before I could retort, Pinkie wrapped one forearm around my stomach and the other over my mouth. Just in time, too, becaue I was ready to go off on him.

"No need for that! Promise!"

I saw a nervous grin on her face, and she looked down to me.

"Right, Sammy?" she asked through clenched teeth.

I shot a glare up at the Pink Menace, but sighed and gave a nod.

"Apologize to Mr. Funnybutt at the desk," she said, and she removed her arm from my mouth.

"Yes'm. Sorry, sir. Just... frustrating to think about demons."

I wasn't really sorry, but there was no sense in getting Pinkie kicked out of the waiting room because I was too stubborn for my own good.

I ended up telling her that I wasn't sure I wanted to go as anything, which she translated to, "It's a matter of utmost secrecy."

When we were finally called in by a doctor, we'd been waiting for what felt like an eternity. Really, it had only been around twenty minutes. The doctor that was seeing to me received a few reports from my last appointment, but I still needed some blood work done, my eyes examined as well as my ears, and even my magic measured.

My eyes were what needed to be checked first, which brings me to the first trial, as I called it. You see, the optometrist was wearing enormous eyeglasses, which isn't an issue in and of itself. The problem lied in the fact that he turned out to be the blindest optometrist I'd ever seen in my life or afterlife. He actually walked into a wall. His name was Eagle Eye.

"Okay, now I need you to read the letters that I point to on this chart. Cover your left eye for me, dear," he said.

Pinkie refused to leave the room this time, because last time, I needed to have a biopsy. I did as was asked, and Pinkie smiled and did the same.

"Are- Are you doing it?" he asked.

Pinkie giggled. At least somepony thought it was funny.

"Yes, sir," I grumbled.

"Good. Now, I'm going to point to a few lines of letters. I want you to recite them as well as you can for me, Sammy."

I didn't say anything back. He pointed in the general direction of the letter chart, except he wasn't pointing to any lines.

"What's that say?" he asked.

"Umm..."

"You're not pointing at anything," Pinkie said plainly. Eagle Eye actually sputtered. For a second I thought he was messing with us.

It turns out he really wasn't. I have no idea how this guy even had a license. Then again, I didn't actually see one, so maybe...

"How's this?" he asked, and he lowered his arm a bit more, at which point Pinkie hopped over to him, and ushered him next to me.

"Cover your left eye too. Trust me. I have a Masters in Optometry."

Both of us ended up getting our eyes checked by Pinkie, which was a horrifying thing for sure. She kept talking about how scary the thought of her having to sneeze must be for us while she was prodding our eyes.

To demonstrate, she pretended to have to sneeze. In keeping with the various contradictions that Pinkie embodies, I'm just going to say that she's extremely bright, but also quite dull. The way I saw things, I had the choice of a doctor that couldn't see two feet in front of him, or Pinkie Pie. I decided she was less dangerous.

She began asking us both questions and using the instruments in the room with us. I remember specifically she had me sit behind this weird machine and rest my chin on a little nook in it. She put this ring on my horn, and instantly, I felt something odd.

The horn doesn't have any nerve endings in it, so it's not something you can feel under normal circumstances. When the ring was set on it though, I could feel a pressure beginning to build. It was not painful, but it was noticeable.

"Magic suppression ring," said Pinkie with an nervous grin. "I don't want you turning me into anything old or decrepit."

I blinked. I could do that?

Before I could question her, she began examining my eyes and even poked at and prodded at them gently with some of the instruments. I've always hated eye doctors.

When we were finished, Pinkie told me my eyes were perfectly healthy from what she could tell off the bat, but then she gave Eagle Eye the not so shocking news that he might not be cut out for this profession. Then, being the polite mess of pink and menace that she was, she offered him a job at Sugarcube Corner.

I later learned that Pinkie owned the building, but the Cakes ran the business. Apparently she owns the better part of Ponyville, but that's a story for another day.

Eagle Eye ultimately turned her down for the job offer, and shooed us out of the room to another room, where I was supposed to get some blood work done among a few other tests.

I wasn't even permitted to use the bathroom, considering I might be asked for a urine sample somewhere during my appointments too. I really, really had to go too!

Pinkie was again sitting and humming with her eyes closed, as if she wasn't the one that ended up doing my eye exam for me. I had so many questions, and none at the same time. I just wanted to shut my eyes and be done with everything. I just wanted to rest.

I bowed my head slightly and shut my eyes with a sigh. This pressure was really getting to me.

I opened my eyes again as realization began to wash over me.

"Pinkie?"

She flicked her ears at me.

"You remembered to take off the magic suppressor thingy, right?"

She gasped and her eyes shot open. "Whoopsie!"

I swear, when she pulled it from my horn everything seemed to become more vibrant and full of color. I could feel the relief wash over me, and I even felt my mental exhaustion with everything fade.

I later found out that a unicorn's magic is a lot like blood- you can stem an extremity for medical examination or an injection or whatever, but if you keep starving any portion of the body of blood... well, a similar thing happens to unicorns when you suppress our horns- we feel sluggish and just less with it.

If a unicorn is magic-starved for too long, there is a chance that they will actually lose their horns and become earth ponies.

I wish I could say that these were facts I learned over my time here, but I just knew. My life before all this started was rapidly fleeing from me, as if it were a distant dream.

I had been waging war with myself since I got here, or so it felt. Everything about myself was a battle. My name, my gender, my age, my species, my family, my friends, my past- everything.

With each passing day I felt that I was losing these fights. I won't insult your intelligence by spelling out each and every thing I've done pointing to the loss of who I am, but it was a real threat to me, and absolutely terrifying.

It was all something that I felt alone in facing, too. I may have remembered my mother's name, for instance, but I could no longer remember what she looked like. As for my father, I could remember neither his name or his face. Friends? I knew I had few, but I remembered nopony among them save for Mad Jack and Dave.

I still knew Stevie very well, though. I could remember everything about him from his dark brown hair to his massive frame- the guy was about 7 feet tall and save for the top of his head he had not a hair on his body.

I resolved while we waited for my next doctor, then, that I would never forget my brother. He was the one thing I swore to myself I would always remember.

My next doctor walked into the room after only around ten minutes, a fact which my bladder was immensely grateful for. Everything about him seemed fairly normal. My checkup was fairly routine- he checked my hearing without fuss (Perfect score- suck it, tinnitus!). I was permitted to use the bathroom but had to bring back a sample with me, so I apologize for that information, but you've got it in your brain cells now so you're stuck with it.

Everything was fairly normal up until the bloodwork. Apparently this guy's nickname among his collegues was "Queasy" because he was, well, a queasy doctor. The sight of blood was enough to trigger him.

He'd trimmed back some of my fur on the same arm I got the skin tested, and cleaned the skin with some alcohol, and that's about as far as he got.

I figured something was up when I saw him inching a syringe towards me while whimpering, "Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up..."

So being the sweet girl I was, I said, "I'm not gonna throw up."

He goes, "I'm not talking to you!"

All I felt was a slight pinch and I inadvertantly groaned, but more so in surprise than anything else. It was enough for him, though. He fainted.

So Pinkie ended up muttering something about having a masters in that, and then she took my blood for him, and then helped herself to four lollipops and offered me one which I again turned down. I still maintain that Pinkie should have been hired on as a doctor here, and that in and of itself scares me.

My final appointment of the day was in a small lab with a few machines dotted around, and I found myself doing all I could to keep from looking too blown away or intimidated. It almost looked like some kind of weird torture chamber.

The doctor, a dorky stallion by the name of Book Worm (I swear to God), was the closest to normal I had so far of all the doctors in this palace. The only problem was, he had a fear of magic. So, of course he was going to be measuring my magic.

He actually did, too. The Pink Menace didn't have to do anything. The problem was, he felt he had to completely cover himself in medical scrubs first.

I could understand him doing that if it was a surgery he was going to do, but this was a magic scan we were talking about:

Step 1- Scan the pony

There is no step 2.

All he had to do was put a strap around my horn, and then push a button on a machine.

I swear, I've been bathing every day since I got taken in, and Pinkie always smells amazing, so I knew it wasn't how I smelled scaring them away. What was with the doctors here?

The scan ultimately took a few minutes, and I was told that I had a perfectly normal level of magic. As soon as we were squared away, we were shooed out of the medical area, and not a moment too soon- the line had formed while we were in there, and so we were back to the labyrinth, which meant I should have probably been paying attention.

I swear, it was like I blinked, and then I was alone. I remember there was a place in the world I came from with monstrous catacombs filled with skeletons of the long dead. A few have died in them after getting lost.

It's the darndest thing, but I can't remember the name of the city hosting the catacombs.

That wasn't the point, though- My issue lied in the fact that I really didn't want to be a victim of this palace, much as those few did not wish to be the victims of the catacombs.

When I finally noticed that Pinkie was being much more quiet than usual, it was too late- she was nowhere to be found. Come to think of it, I saw no signs of anyone. The halls were gothic in design, which only made the place that much creepier. Especially in the darker corners.

My first move was to turn around and try to retrace my steps, but Pinkie honestly seemed to have vanished. I wish I could say it was unlike her, but... Pinkie.

I was lost for what felt like ages, but was really just a few minutes before I bumped into somepony.

If I'm being specific, it was a large alicorn of white with a flowing mane. She was flanked by two guards, who then leapt in front of her and took a protective stance.

"Identify yourself, intruder!" demanded one.

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Did I stutter?" he continued. I scowled. He sounded an awful lot like Corporal Prick. Come to think of it...

"Identify yourself!" he shouted.

"Private Sammy Stone," I responded. "9th Infantry."

What? I honestly thought he might actually be CP. If this happened to me, whose to say it didn't happen to my other comrades later on?

Turned out I was wrong. Instead of a flash of recognition in his eyes, they betrayed amusement. Even the mighty white alicorn between them eyed me with a smile.

"She thinks she's in the guard," whispered the other. "Should we play along?"

I sighed. "I can hear you."

"Fine hearing," remarked the other. "What are you doing in these hallowed halls? Are you aware who you bumped into?"

I blinked. She did look familiar to me. Almost like the one I kept seeing in my dreams, Luna.

"Shall I give you a hint?" asked the alicorn. She turned about such that I could see the sun on her flank- oooohhhhhhhh.

Remember how I said I wasn't sure I wanted to bow anyway? I didn't at that point, because I let out a squeak and scrambled to a bow, then decided the bow wasn't enough and I freaked out and saluted her like she was Patton.

"Uhh- Y- Your majesty!" I said.

She fortunately took my bumbling in stride. She gave a laugh, and the gentle shake of her head.

"Where are you heading? I know these halls can be intimidating. I still get lost in them sometimes."

I gulped. If the one that lived here got lost in them, just how was I going to find my way out of here had I not run into someone?

One of the guards waved a hoof in front of my face.

"The Princess is talking to you," he said plainly. "It would be sweet and right to answer her question."

I only gave him a glance, then looked up at her.

"I'm looking for Pinkie Pie. We got seperated while leaving the medical wing. You have queasy doctors, by the way."

She chuckled. "Would you believe me if I told you they are a thousand times better than their predecessors? As for Pinkie, just close your eyes."

I blinked. The guards both put a hoof to their eyes, but the Princess was one of great patience. She smiled good naturedly at me.

"I'm going to need you to shut them for longer than that."

I smiled sheepishly, and did as she asked.

"It was nice meeting you, Private Sammy Stone of the 9th Infantry," she said. I felt heat rushing to my cheeks, and then what equated to water rushing under my skin.

"...then when we are done here we can explore Canterlot for a while! Sound good?"

I could recognize Pinkie's voice anywhere by now. When I opened my eyes I was in what appeared to be an office next to the Pink Menace herself. She was yapping away at me as if she didn't even notice I was gone. Or perhaps she was rubbing off on me and I was in two places at once?

I realized quickly she was waiting for a response, so I nodded. "Uhh, yeah. Okay, sounds good."

She smiled. "Okie dokie lokie. But first, boring paperwork."

The smile fell from her face. "I hate boring paperwork."

Join the club, sister.

End of Chapter

Author's Note:

Next chapter may take more time because things I am way too tired to bother thinking about right now. Of course, I could sleep for 40 hours and still be tired. Huh.
One more thing: Do you notice it when you think about me? Can you smell it? Can you taste it? Did you hear it? By any chance would you touch it? I'm going to go to sleep.

Comments

[VikingOtaku6]

Maybe it's just me, but Discord would die for his contemptible behavior, Rarity be killed on principle (don't have a keep a promise to a dead mare), Princess Luna knows too much, and is the most likely cause for my current mindraping, those Doctors would be executed for painful incompetence, and Pinkie would never have gotten me to sign. Of course, that might just be me, making certain I could possess a network of information (orphans can be easy to turn your way, should you know how, and some might end up in places of value and import). Might kill Twilight, for attempting to strongarm me into being adopted. Maybe I'd just break Pinkie, RD, and Fluttershy, so their Elements could never be used against me. Tip my hand to AJ, at just the right time, so that I sabotage her reputation and business, ruining her, as well. Not sure what I'd do about Celly, Cady, or Shiny... probably kill the last two in their sleep, and manipulate the first into seeing an ongoing conspiracy against her, as the ones who did the awful stuff I did, so I could direct her away from me.

After all, who suspects a child of being the horrible monster, who had ponies killed, tortured, raped (and the rapists tortured to death on principle; even I have morals, as broken, bent, and busted as they are), stollen from, and conned everypony he or she came across?

I'd even tell the troped Story of the Scorpian and the Insert Symbolically Appropriate Animal Here, just for the extra Renegade Points.

[Judge Holden]

8051457
Damn you, did you get in my notes? How did you figure out the story so quick?

8051244
This I did not know. As we advance the story I hope to find a way to turn the oversights into assets.

8051492
Thank you for the heads up. I appreciate the information immensely and may just change it up a bit there.

[VikingOtaku6]

8051925 "A Magician never reveals their (singular, inoffensive, gender-neutral pronoun) secrets..."?

[Judge Holden]

8052061 I won't be surprised if one day someone sees a person walking a dog, goes, "Oh, can I pet your dog?" And the other person goes "Did you just assume my pet's species?"

[VikingOtaku6]

8052130 You know, as much as I'd like to hope that humanity isn't that batshit insane, there is simply too much evidence to the contrary...

Thank Azathoth's Hundred Screaming Maws for Omniverse Theory!

[unknowncape7377]

8052335
I actually think the Omniverse theory is possible