Filly on the Hill

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."
-Sam Levenson

Okay, look God. Very funny. You got me. I didn't know you were into pranks, but now I really need to figure out everything, or at least go back to planet Earth. So, uhh, could you work with me here? Oh, yeah! Amen.

I told myself I wouldn't faint if I got up and saw weird horse me again. I would chalk it up to a weird dream, or hallucination, or hell. Or all of the above.

Sure enough, I opened my eyes and was greeted by horse me again.This time, however, I noticed something else- my tail was blue.
So was my mane. I felt lightheaded again, but I wasn't letting myself faint once more. I tried to tough it out, and got to my feet.
Then I fell back down again. I let out a snort, and as was my wont, tried again.
I fell down again. My legs didn't feel weak. It just felt awkward trying to stand on four legs.

"Come on, how hard can this-"

I slapped a hand over my mouth. Well, hoof. First of all, near as I could tell I was still speaking English. Second of all, my voice sounded very, very different. First of all, it sounded really youthful. Second of all, it sounded feminine. In a panic, I rolled to my side and looked between my back legs, hoping that I just had laryngitis or something.
No such luck.
Hey, you remember how I said I wasn't going to let myself faint again?
Yeah, about that...

When I finally came to again, the sun had gone down and the moon was out. This time, I didn't even bother trying to stand again.

What did I do wrong? I wasn't a saint, sure, but I went out trying to protect my team. Or I went out because I got angry, threw caution to the wind, and got myself killed.
Wait, was this about me and my prayer to God? Is it Allah? Amaterasu? Zeus? To whom am I speaking?
Look, whoever it is, can you please do me a favor and not let this be true?
Sure, I'll hold.

I didn't move for the rest of the night, but my heart pounded as though I'd run a marathon. I'd long noticed the horn between my eyes. What happened to me? I even saw pale spots in my fur that coincided with everywhere I'd been shot.

I saw the sun do its waltz across a good portion of the sky before I even dared to try standing again. By then, my stomach was grumbling violently and I was very thirsty.

Hesitantly, I got to my feet again, and again I felt my legs try to buckle. This time, however, I remained silent. I didn't want to hear my voice again.

It took me several hours just to figure out how to stand without falling. Taking a few steps? That was another animal entirely.
I sighed. Evolution moved faster than I could at this point. Part of me wanted to resign myself to fate.
Then I heard a howl, and a branch crack, and I was suddenly very interested in learning to run.
It concerned me, though. First of all, my version of running was sort of like Chaplin, minus the canal and rich guy.

Additionally, I wasn't the type to run from anything at home. It meant more than a few beatings for me if I bit off more than I could chew. So, what changed? I felt skittish, like a...
I looked down at my hooves.
Right, like a horse.
I heard another howl and looking back was all it took for me to trip over myself, and roll down a hill.

I landed in a river with a splash, and instantly cold seeped into my very brain. Instincts and strong desires to survive flooded my emotions and mind, and my head burst from the surface.
For a second.

My fight or flight was enough to help me run from the totally real terrifying monsters that were going to try and eat me soon as they found me.
Swimming was like rocket science though. How the hell do you use this thing?

Just getting to the surface for a moment was difficult. This damned body wasn't mine and I certainly wasn't a fish. I could hardly swim even back home!

A current caught hold of me and started dragging me wherever it wanted to drag me. I held my breath, and in a flash found myself at the bottom of the river being drug along rocks.
I was being tossed around like liquid cement and about resigned myself to my fate. Again.

Then I ended up being tossed ashore like unwanted trash. I started gulping down air, and I looked all around me. What just happened?

Before I could ponder further, I heard something crush some leaves behind me. Instantly I was standing once more and shaking with cold and fear. It took whatever courage that was not sapped to turn to see who or what was behind me.

To be fair, having just been forced to learn to run again, narrowly escaped drowning, and currently freezing to death left my nerves pretty frayed. It could have been a small bunny rabbit and I probably would have ran off.
I know what you're thinking, and no, it was not a small bunny rabbit.

It was a raccoon. Mock if you must, but those little buggers carry disease like crazy. I'm pretty sure I knew a guy that got rabies from them and cured himself by bathing in petroleum jelly. Or did he ingest petroleum jelly and cure it with rabies?

I digress. The point is, I was fully expecting anything from another Panzer to some kind of mythical creature about to pounce on me- it was no longer outside the realm of possibility, considering I now was one. But I definitely didn't shriek. You know, too much.

Okay, I shrieked a lot. If I remember right I ran on water and took down a few trees in my panic, and I didn't stop running until I was finally out of that godforsaken forest.

Soon as I felt like I was free of it, though, I dropped like a sack of potatoes. It was like I had a free trial on how to run and if I wanted to continue I needed to pay $1.99 plus shipping and handling. It's why I never bought into Little Orphan Annie's spy game gimmick.
Ahem.

Fortunately, I'd broken free of the forest. The bad news was, now I had to combat what I assumed were miles of friggin' hills, all with no clue on how to move properly. Apparently my new body only felt like being useful if it were being threatened. Once those instincts left me, though?
Dead weight. And it sucked, because I was hungry and thirsty! I should have tried to drink from the river or something.
Again, I struggled to my feet, and tried to take a wobbly step forward.

How embarrassing would this be if I got myself killed in the body of a female horse because I couldn't figure out how to walk? I'm the guy that tried to go toe to toe with a Panzer! Granted, I lost, but it's the principle of the thing.

"Hello?" I called out to the fields, wincing again at my new voice. There was no reply.

Part of me wanted some sort of monster to appear and scare my stupid body into running again. I'd just now grasped the basics of walking, and even that was a chore for me.
Funny, I used to never really have a problem being alone. Now, though? I wanted someone, anyone to come and save me.
With all of my rationale forbidding it, then, but current events willing it, I fell to the dirt again, and sobbed.

End of Chapter

You've Got Mail

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"Those who would disrespect our flag have never been handed a folded one."
-Unknown

Maggie frowned.

She never approved of Sam going into the army. First of all, he wasn't of age, second of all, he was quick to anger and a liability, third of all, HE WASN'T OF AGE.

She sighed. They had argued for hours and he just wouldn't back down. He certainly was his father's son. She told him to write them every week he was away, and that on his return they would have his favorite dinner waiting for him- Steak and eggs. Or as Sam was fond of putting it, "Steak next to the other steak."

He agreed to her demand. It was a small sacrifice, and he had blood on his mind since Pearl Harbor, like many Americans at the time. She forced herself to swallow, and she eyed the dishes that she was probably supposed to be washing. Sam's letter was late this week.

With Stevie upstairs playing with his blocks and Frank out trying to make ends meet, there was little else for the housewife to do. The radio was always kept off during Little Orphan Annie.

She smiled. Part of her figured that, so long as they all honored the unspoken pact and kept the radio silent for the show, Sam would one day kick the door in and tune in himself. Then, they would all go off on him for putting it on in the first place, and he would have a laugh at their expense.

First, however, he had to come back safe. He wasn't allowed to die. Stevie told him so before he left.

There was a knock at the door and instantly Maggie was at her feet. The mail was here.

"The Stone Family,

The Secretary of War desires me to express his deepest regret and sympathy that your son Private Sam Stone has been killed in action in Algiers.

Private Stone was an exemplary soldier, never questioning and soft spoken..."

Maggie didn't make it back to the couch. She didn't even finish the letter. She fainted two steps back from the door.
Stupid Krauts.
End of Chapter

A Filly Cries

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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
-Franklin Delano Roosevelt

It took me a long while to regain my composure. Until then, I prided myself on my lack of crying. I used to say I hadn't shed a tear since I popped out of my Mother's womb. When I found out Donny had been killed, I only got angry. Angry enough to punch a hole in the wall next to the door, where the sheet rock was thinnest. Whenever I was supposed to be sad back home, I would just get angry instead.
As an old teacher once wrote, "When life bites Mr. Stone, he seems to bite back."
Here and now, however...

I don't know if it was the result of my new body, gender, or current situation, but I could not stop myself from crying. I'd curled into a ball and hid my eyes from the world with my arms. I think I cried myself to sleep for a few moments, though I do not recall having any sort of dream. When I awoke, the sky looked no different. Either it was a very short nap, or I slept for exactly 24 hours.

On the plus side, my sobbing had changed to a stray sniffle here and there. The negative side was, my body felt incredibly weak and so much as yawning could split my lips. There was still a good distance in front of me it seemed. My goal was to try and find a place I can stay, eat or get a drink at.
I refused to eat the grass like a common animal though. This was one battle I wanted to win.
The other battle I wanted to win was the one on learning how to actually walk. I was making progress, at least, but I looked drunk.
I hated this. Was this the afterlife? Was it some kind of bizarre hallucination? Was my brain shutting down?

The last thing I saw was the flash of the tank's barrel. If it really hit me, my brain would have probably just shut down instantly. You know, on account of being blown to bits.

What if I'm still alive? Part of my mind, and it was a small part, was trying to tell me that all I thought I'd experienced so far was just a bad dream; that I shouldn't have hidden myself from someone called Luna. She would have stopped the nightmares for me.

The rational part of me was too busy freaking out. That other part, however, kept trying to convince me that everything up to my death had been no more than a bad dream.

What if it was right?

I shook my head a bit. Whatever happened to me, I needed to keep a clear head.
--

By the time I saw a town on a horizon, I'd been walking most of the night. I was severely dehydrated, my stomach was growling so much I assumed it was swearing, and my mind was racing. On the other hand, I managed to calm myself enough that I wasn't crying. I think I ran out of liquid to make tears with anyway.
When I saw the town, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you God."

I practically trotted into town as though I'd been walking like this all my life. I saw no sign of anyone outside, though. It had to be early morning; the sun wasn't even tickling the horizon yet.

It was a good thing, I felt. If I ran into a human like this I was scared I'd be captured and sent to a lab or something. Stupid horn and weird colored coat.

The entire town's housing looked almost like the ones I saw in Britain before my deployment. The only real difference was, these buildings weren't bombed out.

The air was fresh here, and I saw no signs of smoke. Come to think of it, I didn't even see any airplanes. The cobble stone street was slightly worn and a cool breeze flowed through the town. I was amazed that I didn't freeze after I got out of the water earlier. As of now, I felt warm.

My eyes lit up when I saw a fountain towards the center of town, and again instinct took over- I ran to it. The first drop of water to hit my tongue felt as though it revitalized me. I could feel some life and strength return the more I drank, and by the time I was done, I had managed to fool my stomach into thinking it was full for a time. I remember once reading that someone who was starving or severely dehydrated should eat or drink slowly and a little at a time. I guess magic horse people are the exception to that rule, because I felt good.
Satisfied, I let out a sigh and lay down before the fountain. My long walk caught up with me again, and I shut my eyes.
--

Sleep was my escape from this new world I found myself in. When my eyes were shut and my consciousness was elsewhere, I could be at home again, if only for a time.

The problem was, most of my dreams saw me on the battlefield again, re-living my last moments. I felt it was my mind's way of trying to figure out what I could have done differently.

"Let me in."

The answer was obvious to me: How about not running from behind cover towards the tank that had your team pinned down? Granted, they probably would have flanked sooner or later, but we could have come up with something.
I never forgave myself for throwing my life away as I did. As far as I was concerned, I killed myself.
I kept re-living those final moments. Whenever I tried to turn away, the image seemed to follow.

"Let me in."
I squeezed my eyes shut. It helped for a moment. I was blistfully blind.
Not deaf.
There was another explosion and I shrieked. I only curled up into a tighter ball, and shook.

"Let me in, little one."

My eyes shot open. Before me stood another horse. It was larger than I was and purple, or just very dark blue. Its mane was so strange- ethereal even. It looked as though it was made of dark gitter. It had a horn like me, but also a fine pair of wings. Though I saw a frown on its face, I did not feel intimidated by it.

"You must learn," she said- her voice was that of a young adult, yet sounded mature and full of experience. Before I could respond, I felt my eyes shoot open to the real world. I was panting sharply, but the sun was up again.

The sleep had fled from my mind almost instantly, as if it feared the light. I felt myself shaking, but I also felt quite warm. My head was on something soft. I took a gander at myself.

I do not know how long I had been asleep, but someone must have found me. There was a pillow beneath my head and a soft blanket over my body.

"Huh?"

I got up from the ground with a stretch of my limbs. Absentmindedly I gave my tail a gentle swish. My throat was dry again, though I no longer felt the horrible pangs of hunger. I still felt weak though and knew I needed something to eat too, and soon.

So you can imagine my surprise at seeing a complete meal in a small take-out container. Next to it was a cup full of hot chocolate that was no longer very hot.
Who left a complete meal here for a small horse? I'm grateful, but... I can't exactly pick anything up.
Whoever it was decided to leave a simple note written on the top of the styrofoam container:

Somepony loves you.

"Umm...?"

I did not exactly trust the food left to me. First of all, opening the container with hooves is easier said than done. Second of all, whoever wrote the note needed to take a grammar class or nine. Third, random food from a complete stranger was never exactly appetizing to me.

My stomach, as if sensing my decision to ignore the food, felt as though it had kicked itself. I buckled over for a moment. It was worse hunger than I had ever felt before; even worse than my first days in boot camp. Strange, I'd until then no longer had gnawing hunger.
I stifled a swear, and looked around the town. I could feel my heart start racing again.

All around town were horses just like me, but mostly larger and different colors. I saw a few flying through the air, a few with horns on their heads like me, and others with no other outstanding physical characteristics. This town seemed to be inhabited by or infested by creatures like me.
What the actual fuck?

"Hey, kid."
My head shot up. I had to crane my neck to see the source of the voice.

I suppose I'd gotten used to seeing or hearing myself. Seeing a town filled with these strangely intelligent horses and mythological creatures? Seeing one close up and addressing me?
THUMP. So long, consciousness!
End of Chapter

Loyalty

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"If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans."
-James Herriot

I was woken up an unknown amount of time later by the same creature that tried to talk to me.

"You okay, kid? I know I'm awesome and all, but fainting over me is something else!"

My vision was very blurry. I rubbed at my eyes a bit. I felt something at my lips, and was reminded just how thirsty I actually was.

"Come on, kid. Work with me here. Drink this."

I said nothing still, but did as was asked and took a drink. It was the hot chocolate, but no longer hot.

"Good girl. You okay?"

My vision had by now returned to me, and I looked at her. I felt myself wilt when she reminded me of my new gender- I still blame the Krauts. Additionally, I felt like my eyes were being molested by colors. Her body was pale blue, but her mane and tail were both rainbow colored. I assumed she was into dye- if there were talking unicorns and pegasi here, surely there was hair dye.

Blue horse waved a hoof in front of my face.

"Hello? You in there?"
She proceeded to gently knock on the side of my head.

I blinked. "Y-yes?"

"She speaks! I was beginning to wonder."
I stared.

"You were out for around twenty minutes, kid. Where are your parents? I should prob'ly take you to them or something."

No words came from my mouth. The horse blinked, and rubbed her face.

"Why are you looking at me like that? What? Is there something stuck on my face?"

"Who are you?" I finally squeaked out. Her pupils seemed to shrink, and she stared at me.

"Wait, you never heard of me? Seriously?"
I felt as though I'd run out of words, so I just shook my head. My stomach grumbled softly.

"I'm the one, the only... Rainbow Dash! No autographs."

"What did you need?" I whispered. "Why did you come to me?"
The look of self satisfaction on her face all but drained. She looked taken aback.

"Huh? What do you mean? It's not every day you see a random filly holed up beside a fountain. I was trying to make sure you were okay."
A bell rung in the distance, and her ears and mine both twitched.

"Now that I think about it, shouldn't you be in school?"
My stomach growled again, but louder this time. Rainbow chuckled.

"Sorry, didn't mean to stop you from eating your meal. Ooh, looks like somepony has a secret admirer."
I blinked.

"Either that, or your mom is overbearing. Where are your parents?"
I shook my head slowly.

"No. No, I..."
I looked at my hooves, then back at Rainbow, holding them out to her.

"How do you use these?"
There was a brief silence, followed by a laugh from my strange companion.

"Hah! I like you, kid. Look, I gotta get going. Remember to tell your parents and friends that it's true: I am as awesome as they hear. See you later!"
Before I could say anything else to her, she leapt into the air, and was off as her namesake- in a dash. I held out a hoof.

"Wait!" I yelled. Too late. She was gone. "Could you open this container...?"
Sigh. I turned back to the food, and set to work.
--

It took me an hour and a half. No joke. Imagine if someone took away your hands, replaced them with hooves, and you had to try and open a box. What kind of place was this? I eventually settled on just trying to break open the box from one side. I accidentally ended up knocking it into the water a few times, but ultimately succeeded.

Stupid box. Stupid hooves. Stupid horses. Stupid Krauts.

The breakfast that was left for me (I suspected Rainbow Dash), was a small stack of pancakes with syrup and an egg. My anonymous caretaker had even left me a plastic fork and knife.

Problem was actually using those things. I was able to hold the utensils between both hooves, but soon as I tried to steady the container, whatever I was holding would fall down. I even tried wedging the fork in one hoof. It kept falling down soon as I tried to use it.

Eventually I gave up and relented to eating face first. The syrup was in a small container and I hadn't bothered to pour it on the pancakes. Opening it would be a huge battle for me anyway. I decided that, after I finished the food here I would try to open it and just drink the syrup. Stevie used to do the same thing every once in a while.

The pancakes and eggs were delicious. Every bite was heaven, though the food had long since cooled. I had to thank Rainbow Dash if I saw her again.

When I did finally finish the food, I was still a little hungry. Don't judge me, I hadn't even eaten before the fight. Hartman always said going in hungry lessened the odds that a stomach shot would fester, but I digress. It seemed a bit easier to focus now. I grasped the small syrup container with both hooves and bit at the foil cover.

It took me twenty more minutes to open the damned thing. I downed it as if it were a shot. Yeeck. Would have been nice if I had it on my pancakes, but then I would be all covered in syrup.

Still, once I was done I washed my face up in the fountain and then drank from it some more, and I tossed my trash in a nearby garbage can. Like an idiot, I forgot about the blanket and pillow, and started wandering town once more.

What were my plans for the day? Hell, what were my plans for my life? I didn't seem to be in a place of conflict now. It was far more peaceful here than my home. I feared the hushed whispers I heard of a great atrocity being committed by Hitler's Germany. Who was to say something like that wasn't secretly happening here?

There was a battle going on in my skull at all moments; a whirlwind of racing thoughts and fears. I was far smaller than the average horse here, which I felt made me a child. I was going to be 17 in three months, damn it!

Wasn't I?

I did my best to ignore the coos of a few of the other talking horses. Each voice I heard felt like it was pushing me closer and closer to the proverbial deep end.

I did everything I could to avoid breaking down in the middle of the town. I just wanted to think to myself. Or find someone to thank for the care package, if it turned out it wasn't Rainbow. First, however, I had to ask her, which meant finding her, which...

"Oh, now where did the fountain go?" I muttered to myself.

If I couldn't find the nonmoving fountain, then finding the blue horse thing with wings was never going to happen.
I swear I could hear singing.

My anger seemed to return to me. At least, the anger I usually felt back home. A pang of relief came with it, as if it were a long lost heirloom I had just recovered.

What was there to sing about? What, did someone win the lottery or something? Did they find a way to send me home? Weird concert?

Whatever it was, the singer seemed happy, and I think that's what made me angry. Life goes on, sure, but in my irrational state at the time, I hoped everyone would be as miserable as I was.
I turned tail and stormed away, hoping my footfalls would drown out the song.

"Hey, you okay? You look like you want to knock some heads."

"Probably because I do," I accidentally muttered.

"Heh, well at least you're honest. You need to talk?"

"I need a vacation," I said. I hadn't even looked at the source of the voice. It sounded female, though. Whoever it was laughed again.

"Don't we all? Hey, you can talk to me. It might help."

God, but she was persistent, wasn't she?

What, could you send me back home? Turn me back first please. Preferably without the bullet holes. If I need to have a few, though, I'm willing to compromise.

"Hey."

I felt something on my shoulder and instantly I tensed up. With reflexes I didn't even know I had, I'd hopped, and whirled to face the voice. She had her hoof in the air still, having pulled it back when I recoiled. "Yikes, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

Who can blame me for how I reacted? My dad used to take us all to church and drape his arm over the pew like he was holding the whole family. Really, it was an aiming device. I know because all it took was a stray laugh from me to earn a nice smack on the back of the head. I called them brain dusters.

The horse thing had a horn, just like I did, but larger than mine. Some part of me felt a little jealous. She was dark purple too, had a matching mane and tail, and she wasn't much bigger than I was.

"Sorry," I heard myself say. "I don't do touchy feely."

Well, it wasn't too far from the truth. I never did touchy feely at home on account of an overdose of acne. I suppose that's one plus side to what I was now. No acne, and whoever did this to me made me look halfway decent, I guess.

Not that I was thankful.

"No worries," she responded with a smile. "Hey, my name's Rarity. Not to be confused with the fashionista, though. Everypony just calls me Rares."

I felt a bit of pride bubble up within me. Here everyone was with a funny name, but I intended to use mine as a symbol for my humanity, and also because I'm not particularly creative in coming up with names.

"My name's Sam, but most people call me Sam."
Rarity giggled.

"Nice to meet you, Sam I Am. Are you new in town?"

I gave a curt nod.

"Cool! Maybe I'll see you in school. Did your parents enroll you yet?"
I blinked.

"No, I'm not in school right now. I'm in the middle of service."

She tilted her head. "Service?" After a moment, though, a look of understanding and envy washed over her face. "Wait, you're one of Princess Twilight's students? You lucky duck!"

"No, a soldier. Infantry. I was deployed to Algiers."

Rarity stared blankly. "Did the Princess ask you to make up a backstory for a character or something?"

"No!" I said again, this time a bit more forcefully. I was going to say more, but I gave up on the topic. I just didn't care anymore. "Yes," I corrected.

Apparently that was the right answer, because Rares- Rarity smiled. "Cool! Did she assign you a play or something? Ooh, a story? What is your job in it?"

I then proceeded to throw together a random story about some full grown guy who was always told he acted like a child, but then one day he ends up taking in a kid of his own and had to learn to play Dad instead of kid.

She kept correcting me, though. Every time I said "everyone," "anyone," or "nobody," she would stop me and say "everypony," "anypony," and "nopony."

I knew that the world I was in was dominated by mythical creatures that could speak, but I was still me. You see, I used to keep this list at home. It's the only thing I managed to keep through three break-ins. All that I have written on it are words that I would never ever use in a conversation. Those were going to be three more of them.

Still, this filly was nice to me. I found myself opening up to her a bit more the longer we walked and talked. I began to actually enjoy her company, and we ended up hanging out until the sun was on the horizon.

"...so we snuck the dead snake in the la- mare's room, coiled it up in the middle of the floor so it looked alive, and then stood outside and just waited."

I liked this Rarity's laughter. It made me laugh too, and heaven knows I needed a good laugh. Even if it meant recounting old tales, it helped me feel better.

"Wow, that's rich! I need to keep that in mind next time my friends and I need an idea for a prank!"

I smiled. "Consider it yours to try. You have to source the snake, though."

She nodded once, still laughing a bit. "I think I knew a few places to try."
Rarity looked up to the house behind her. Funny, I hadn't even realized we were walking and talking again.

"It's getting late," she said. "Hey, come by tomorrow if you're free. Maybe we can hang out some more!"

I smiled again. "That sounds nice, sure thing. Nice to meet you!"
Unconsciously, I held out a hoof, and she batted it with her own.

"Awesome! See you later, alligator."

She didn't notice my face fall as I stared at my arm. I'd gotten used to seeing my body this way and hearing the way I sounded, sure, but I couldn't help but feel like something within me was changing.

My eyes widened. Walking! I'd been walking this whole day, and I must have been doing a fine job of it, because nobody mentioned me looking drunk or anything. I tried to pay attention to myself while I tried to find the fountain again, but... I'd just started walking funny again, because that was what my brain was expecting.

I took some time to find the fountain again, but when I did the pillow and blanket were both where I'd left them, only the blanket was neatly folded up. I felt a twinge of guilt- they weren't even my belongings; the least I could have done was fold the blanket nicely.

Was this going to be my life? Just sustaining myself on the kindness of strangers? I felt my ears droop down. I just wanted to go home. With a sigh, I managed to struggle my way under the covers, and I rested my head on the pillow once more.
My stomach grumbled.

End of Chapter

Saving Private Stone

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"Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories."

-Sun Tzu

There was an explosion and my eyes shot open with a gasp. I was on two feet, packed into a barge with a hundred other men.

Next to me, a man left his lunch on the back of another.

I heard another explosion, and was soaked by a wave. Looking over my shoulder, I saw it. Mongoose. It was accompanied by a BAR- Browning Assault Rifle.

"Three minutes," barked an Officer. Ahead of me, I saw one man turn around to face us. Hartman? I eyed the silver upon his helmet. Ah, he'd made captain! Good for him.

"I want to see plenty of beach between men," he shouted. "Five men is a juicy opportunity. One man's a waste of ammo."

There was another explosion just shy of us on the starboard side- I whipped my head around to look at it, then looked ahead at what we were getting into.

First of all, we were not the only barge. I saw a barge every fifty feet or so, and on each side of us, they continued down to the horizon.

Why do you dream?

I gasped a breath, and felt my neck, where I'd been shot. I grew puzzled, however, because there was no sign of my injury.

"One minute!" shouted the Officer. All around me, I heard the soft uttering of the Lord's prayer.

There was another explosion next to us. This time, I saw, it was the next barge. They hit a mine.

I saw a helmet fly overhead, but I didn't hear it splash down in the water. There was another explosion.

"Twenty seconds!"

The shore line ahead of us was rapidly coming into view. I could see large bunkers at the top of the beach looking down on us. Machine gun nests were encamped within. I suppressed a gulp.

The machine gunners were holding fire, though. The barges were bullet resistant on the outside. No sense in wasting ammunition when they'd be opening soon anyway.

"God be with you all," shouted Captain Hartman.

The barges opened nearly simultaneously, and all hell broke loose.

The machine gunners started firing constantly. I saw everyone in the front of the barge get cut down, save for Captain Hartman- he took a graze to the shoulder. My training kicked in, and I hopped over the side of the barge.

With a splash, I was in the drink, and in an instant, I was the horse again.

Strange enough, I could breathe. Bullets were cutting through the water and I saw a few others who dove into the water sink. Most of them, however, managed to get back to the surface after shedding some extra weight.

Most of them.

When my head broke the surface, I was me again. The BAR on my back was like an anchor. Especially in the army, though, I was built like a brick shithouse. Though I could do little more than tread water, a wave threw me onto shore behind a tank trap.

Not a moment too soon, because a mortar caught the water just behind me.

When I looked back to see my comrades, I was the horse again. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My eyes shot up to the bunkers in fear, and I let out a shout of terror. I felt a distinct force leave me through my horn, and it seemed to knock a few rounds fired in my direction back. I got to my feet, and when I blinked, I was me again.

I got off my hands and knees and pulled the Mongoose. The tank trap was proving to be decent cover. I risked a few shots at the Krauts, but I hit only the bunkers.

The near constant gunfire was horrendous. All around me lay the bodies of our soldiers, some literally in pieces. The water itself had already been stained red, but only towards the shore.

"Private Stone! You need to move; they have this entire beach targeted for mortars!"

I have no idea where Hartman was yelling from, but he never steered me wrong before, so in spite of great fear, I started running up the beach.

This is no dream for such a young filly.

There was the distinct boom of a mortar near me, which packed enough force to knock me off my feet, but I was otherwise uninjured. Amazingly, my hearing was functioning just fine. I'd squeezed my eyes shut to avoid sand harassing them.

When I re-opened them, I was me again. My horn seemed to respond to the ever present danger, and it spared me the wrath of another mortar. Another force the color of my fur spread around me, dispelling the mortar and a few rounds fired towards me. I started running again, and as I was now, I could move far faster. All around me I saw men falling and others still running. I could no longer see Hartman.

When I finally managed to dive at the foot of the bunker, I was the human again.

I scrambled for the BAR, took aim at the first Kraut I could, and...

Enough of this.

The entire warzone seemed to dissolve, and in its place was a picture of serenity.

No longer did I hear the explosions, gunfire, and shouting of the other humans. Now I heard only the sound of birds chirping, and gentle waves crashing. Before me was an endless expanse of forest, and behind me a beach and a beautiful blue ocean. Next to me was the big dark blue horse. The look on her face was only one of worry. I looked down at my hooves. I was me again.

Wasn't I? No, this couldn't be right. It couldn't!

"What are you, little one?" asked the purple horse. I looked up at her, and after a pause, answered truthfully:

"I don't know."

I felt something drape over my shoulder and pull me towards her. A wing.

"Such dreams should not be yours to suffer."

"It was so real," I whispered. I felt the purple one nod.

"Prophetic, in a way. I can hear the cries. That world is warring."

I looked up at her, poking my head from under her wing.

"Can you send me back to them? Surely every person counts."

She eyed me, puzzled. "Yet you are not a person."

I was silent.

"Remain calm. This place is tailored to your emotions. I'm only doing what I can to hold it together."

"Who are you?" I asked. She smiled down at me.

"Princess of the Night. Luna."

Her eyes wandered to the sky above.

"And speaking of night, it is time for it to end."

She lowered her head to mine and gave me a kiss below the horn.

"Be good. I will see you again should the demons return."

The last thing I saw in that paradise was her horn glowing.

I awoke with a start and a squeak. The sun was up.

"What's happening to me?" I whispered. I got to my feet again and turned to the fountain, intent on rinsing my face.

There was another styrofoam container above me, along with another cup of hot chocolate. This time, however, both were still steaming. I must have just missed whoever left it here.

There was nothing written on the container this time.

Time to test my theory. I wandered away from the food until I found a stallion standing by a cart.

"Excuse me? Have you seen Rainbow Dash?"

He blinked. "Dash? Last I heard she was in Cloudsdale."

Now it was my turn to blink. "Uh-huh. And... where are we?"

The stallion eyed me. "Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Where are we?" I practically demanded. He was silent for a moment, fixing me with one of those "how-do-you-not-know-this" stares.

"...Ponyville."

So, I just walked away. I didn't even say goodbye. I found my way back to the container, and felt guilt. I always hated taking handouts, yet here I was, homeless and being taken care of by some real generous fellow.

Why did I even suspect Dash? Because she acknowledged the food? What the hell is going on with me? I couldn't even die correctly! Part of me wanted to go find the Krauts operating that Panzer and demand they give it another go and kill me properly this time.

I stuck a fork full of egg into my mouth. At least the food here was more or less the same as at home. I saw a few ads for something called a hayburger, though, and it just sounds positively revolting.

I could actually feel my pupils shrink, and I looked down at my hoof. Did I just use a fork?

As if on cue, it fell out of my grip. I growled, and rested my head against my other arm. Why didn't this thing come with a manual?

I felt a strange pressure in my head, and rolled my eyes disinterestedly to my horn. I saw a spark the color of my fur fly off and onto the fountain. It then fizzled out.

I felt nothing though. What did I get myself into here?

With a sigh, I looked at my hoof again, trying to will it into a hand so I could eat. Today, I was left some french toast with scrambled eggs.

Like yesterday, I ended up eating like a freak. A few passersby gave me strange looks, but I still didn't particularly care. I wasn't exactly working with something I used my whole life.

At least, I didn't think I was.

My dream the night before haunted me that morning. It felt so real. I recall myself, as well, and how my sense of self ended up seeming to change during. To be honest, it scared me.

It scared me so much that I ended up accidentally gulping down some still very hot chocolate, which led to me dropping the remainder onto what was left of my breakfast. It happens to the best of us, I guess.

I put my head down against the fountain again. Why me?

"...then see what Applejack needs before the rain comes."

My ears twitched in the direction of the voice, but I otherwise didn't respond. With one arm I reached for the cup (which was now almost empty on account of spilling), and I finished the job by knocking it into the fountain. Oh, and also the remainder of my food. If I'm going to make a mess I'm going to finish the job.

"Do you think we can see Rarity too? Or is she still away?"

I felt myself let out a growl, and I slammed the fountain with a hoof.

"Stupid Krauts," I muttered.

"Excuse me?"

My ear twitched toward the voice, but I otherwise did not move.

"Hello? Anypony in there?"

I felt a knock on my head.

"Please leave me be."

"What's the matter? Maybe I can help?"

I shook my head, still not bothering to look up. I heard something get set down next to me, and then felt a pat on the head.

"Hey, I'm sorry you aren't feeling so good right now."

"Thanks," I said through my arm. The voice was female. So far, I'd seen just one stallion to tons of mares.

"You going to be alright on your own?"

I've been on my own since I got here, I thought bitterly. Instead of voicing my thoughts, I simply nodded into my arm. Whoever was talking at me rubbed my back gently.

"Whatever happened, I want you to know that it's going to be okay. Just have faith."

I said nothing else. The hoof trying to provide me comfort came off my back, and I heard footfalls away from me.

I didn't move for probably around twenty minutes. When I finally did, I looked at the remains of my food.

My unexpected companion had fished the foam container out of the fountain. Additionally, she left me two large gold coins. Third, there was a small piece of paper with an address on it along with a single phrase:

Stop by if you feel up to it later -Twilight

I had nothing to carry the coins or the note in, so I left them in the pillow case and hoped nobody would find them.

The people- err, horses here seemed to be mostly kind, though. I'd not heard so much as a cuss since I got here, other than those uttered by me. I felt oddly safe.

Now that I think about it, I probably wouldn't have slept in the middle of town for two nights in a row if I didn't feel secure here. What was this place called again?

Ponyville. Seriously? They couldn't think of a better name?

I almost bumped into a pink mare with a frizzy mane. Before I could say excuse me, she let out a gasp, leapt and ran away from me faster than anything I'd seen so far.

With a sigh, I decided to go see Rares as promised. Wasn't like I had much else to do, after all. After everything that's happened so far, I wasn't about to touch being fled from like that with a ten foot pole.

Call it what you will: combat fatigue, shellshock, depression, anxiety, or paranoia, but I could swear I've had eyes on me since I got to this town. I don't mean just horses seeing me in passing, either. I mean stalker eyes.

Whenever I tried to find who I thought was looking at me, though, I found nothing.

No matter how many times I looked, it seemed like things were in order. Or at least as much so as could be, given my current circumstances.

I was born in 1925 (wasn't I?), so a world with ever building tension was not new to me. A world as seemingly at peace as this one was, however, felt alien. I suppose my paranoia was coming from some kind of culture shock?

Or maybe I was right and there was some whacko watching me.

I swear, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

How long has Rares been walking beside me? She started giggling like mad when I finally noticed. She brought a smile to my face for the first time that day.

"Took you long enough, Sam I Am! How hard is it to notice little old me?"

"Hard not to notice you if you aren't completely oblivious," I replied. She smiled more.

"How was your night?"

My night was shit, but I wasn't about to say that out loud. I forced myself to not visibly droop and gave a satisfied nod.

"Good, and yours?"

"Great! I had a dream that Princess Celestia was kidnapped and I had to search castle after castle until I found her. When I did, she gave me an autograph, and then there was this dancing banana..."

I sort of tuned her out without even meaning to. I'd only then noticed something different: the town seemed to be preparing for some sort of festivities. There were ornaments decorating near every home, and I swear they weren't there last night.

"...but it's okay, all I needed was a speak and spell and seven pounds of mashed potatoes..."

How could this town seriously be so happy all the time? Even the buildings looked happy. Think about that. Where I'm from, perpetual happiness is a mental illness. I suppose it's normal here, considering I've so far seen flying horses of different colors, as well as unicorns. I couldn't very well deny anything, considering I myself was now a unicorn.

"...so, then I took the churro, and who was there for the bank heist? The legend herself, Vinyl Scratch! So, I was like..."

There was a boom, and I could feel my pupils shrink.

Suddenly, I was back on the battlefield I dreamt of last night, with the BAR in my hooves- hands and a Kraut machine gunner in my sights. A grenade fell just next to me, and I eyed it for a moment before leaping up and scrambling into a foxhole. Shrapnel rained over me and pelted my body, but though I took no injury, I felt as though I were wet with blood.

When I came to again, Rares was at my side, poking and prodding at me. I was curled up against the side of a building and shaking. Several other horses were staring at me silently. I looked up at the sky- the rain had begun to fall.

"Thunder?" I squeaked.

"Yeah- it was a doozy. I don't think I've ever seen this bad of a reaction to it, though. You're that scared of thunderstorms?"

If only you knew.

My heart was pounding in my ears. Rares' horn glowed the same color as her mane, and I felt myself actually float to my feet.

"You okay?" she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice. My eyes were wide, as if I'd seen a ghost, and the other horses that stopped to stare had slowly begun to disperse.

"I... I..."

I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. They wouldn't be noted, however, on account of the rain.

"Sam?"

"I need to go!" I shouted, and I turned away and ran off. I didn't even stop at the fountain. I just kept running until I was out of town. I didn't even stop to marvel at the fact that I was running once more.

When I finally did stop, I was beneath a few trees. I know that's not the best place to hide during a thunderstorm, but I just didn't care at that point.

I began to sob for the umpteenth time since my arrival.

Celestia, help me.

End of Chapter

A Flag Draped Casket

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"As is a tale, so is a life: Not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."

-Seneca

Maggie sat at her dresser. It was the fifth time she would be attempting to put on her mascara- she kept crying it off again.

Frank was furious. When he found out, he went to enlist as well, because he wanted to get the ones who killed his boy. He'd served in the Great War and an injury sustained to his leg left him with a noticeable limp. Needless to say, being rejected from the army he'd once served left the man very angry. He put a hole in the wall next to the one Sam made when he heard what happened to his cousin.

Sam's death wasn't just a blow for emotional health. Without his help, Frank's business was cut- the man could only be so many places at once, and Stevie could barely comprehend finances in general.

Speaking of, Stevie did not handle Sam's death well. He told Sam that he wasn't allowed to die, but Sam broke the rule. Why? Was it something he said? Did he do something wrong? Where was his brother?

"Maggie."

She ignored her husband, and was silent when she saw him dressed to the nines- he always hated dressing up, but she almost always had something nice to say about it.

This wasn't one such day.

"We're going to be late. You almost done?"

She took a shaky breath to compose herself, but failed.

"A closed casket," she said. "They couldn't even afford my boy an open fucking viewing."

"Nazi pieces of shit."

Maggie got to her feet, and smacked her makeup off the dresser. She gripped each side of it, and stared down at where the makeup was moments before. Her tears began to drip onto the wood.

"All I wanted was to kiss my boy's forehead one last time," she said. "And they couldn't even let me do that."

Frank fell silent. Maggie, enraged, threw a punch at the mirror before her, shattering it. Amazingly, however, her hand was uninjured.

"I want their heads," she growled. "I want to feed them their balls."

She let out a scream, and Frank pulled her to his chest.

"I want my boy back."

She gave a short, but weak punch to his chest.

"I want my boy back."

End of Chapter

Paradoxes And Oxymorons

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"War is the ultimate game because war is at last a forcing of the unity of existence. War is God."

-Judge Holden/Cormac McCarthy

I did not return to the town until night fell. By then, the rain had stopped and I was no longer so tense.

The thunderstorm was hell on my nerves. I'd never been so scared of something so stupid before.

I was kicking myself for leaving Rarity. She was the closest thing I had to a friend so far, and I should have opened up to her. Of course, what was I going to say?

"So, I'm actually a human male, and my world has been at war. I sort of exploded, but only kind of, and now I'm here. Also, if you can help me learn how to grip stuff, I'd appreciate it."

I didn't know if the town had a mental asylum or not, but I did know that I absolutely hated the concept of them- I supported sending Stevie to one until I heard the rumors of terrible things happening within. I only hope they still avoided sending him to a cuckoo's nest. As for me, whose to say that I wouldn't be thrown into one and given one of their special treatments? Lobotomy, EST, Horn-ectomy... the sky's the limit.

I felt like I was my only real friend, and I hated it.

I felt it odd to be so angry and sad in a world so happy and bright. Just one more way I did not belong, I suppose. What I would give to go home. What equated to a distant echo in my mind uttered, "You are home."

I fell onto my blanket and pillow, both of which were soaked through from the rain. I pulled the paper and two coins I was left out of the pillow case- the paper was amazingly not soaked through.

Eyes were on me. In an instant I got to my feet, and looked around me for the stalker.

"Note to whoever is out there," I called. "I've never hurt a horse before. You don't want to be the first."

There was no answer but for eerie silence, and I stomped a hoof.

"Show yourself!" I shouted. A few windows opened, and I felt additional horses watching me, but I could care less about them right now. I wanted to confront my stalker and convince whoever it was to leave me alone. So, I should have probably braced myself, considering there was the possibility of anything jumping out at me.

Like a pink blur, for instance.

This horse literally came out of nowhere, and it moved impossibly fast- faster than Rainbow Dash flew. It could have come from the gates of hell, and it literally stopped itself just an inch from my muzzle.

The grin on its face was so big that I found myself wondering if I was about to be killed again. And did I mention that this one was pink? It had a messy mane like mine, though less matted with dirt and twigs. Additionally, I felt like I was beaten down by current events. This horse was practically vibrating with energy.

Come to think of it, it was vibrating with energy.

"I finally have you all alone," she squealed. I took a step back, but she took another step forward. "I'm going to enjoy this!"

I felt my fur begin to stand up, and I prepared myself to flee. I'd meant my statement as a bluff- I can't fight like this! I can barely eat like this!

The pink horse pulled back, and began to hop around me while chanting, "Welcome, welcome welcome" over and over again. I mean she was literally hopping, and she was getting surprisingly good height. Oddly enough, I don't think she was getting tired.

"I'm so happy to finally get some time to talk to you, Sammy!"

How did she know my name? Well, she was close enough.

"It seemed like you were one busy pony since you got here! I wanted to make you cupcakes but apparently they aren't so good for you but everypony deserves yummy treats, and everypony deserves a welcome party!"

She instantly stopped hopping, and then turned to face me impossibly fast.

"Wait, did you already get a welcome party that I wasn't invited to?"

I blinked. She visibly relaxed.

"Thank goodness. You haven't lived until you had a Pinkie Party!"

"I-"

She squealed loudly. "I'm going to throw you the partiest of all parties and we're going to be bestest friends and there will be cupcakes! Wait! You don't have problems with gluten, do you?"

She pulled a stethoscope out of her mane. I swear I am not making that up.

"Hmm... you definitely have a heartbeat."

I didn't bother telling her that she was holding it to her own heart.

"Nope, Dr. Pinkie gives you a clean bill of health!"

"Why-"

"Ooh!"

She reached into my mane and pulled a large stone out of it. I wasn't surprised; the last time I came close to a wash was when I almost drowned.

"Can I keep?" she asked. That grin came right back.

"Sure?" I asked.

"Yay! I shouldn't be asking you for presents though. If anything, I should be giving you the presents! It is almost Nightmare Night, after all."

"What?"

"Ooh, are you excited? I know I am! I'm so excited I can barely contain it!"

"I'm not catching what you're throwing down, sister."

At this point I was getting the feeling that the horse I was now conversing with was insane, and therefore I should probably be on my best behavior, because I didn't want to end up a stylish lampshade in her basement.

"The candy is the best part ever. Ooh, wait! Where's your mom and dad? They shouldn't be leaving a little filly out here by herself."

I scowled. "I'm not little."

She giggled, then hopped a circle around me again. I was frozen.

"Nonsense! Hmm, as far as I can tell, you're what, six?"

Suddenly I wasn't frozen anymore. I turned to face her. Though part of me said she was wrong, another part was sure she was right. How- how old was I again?

"Who told you that?"

It was the first time I got her to recoil.

"I was right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think!"

The pink horse looked about to respond, but I saw her crazy eyes wander over my shoulder to my bedding. Before either of us could say a word, her tail shot straight out, her eye twitched, and she let out a gasp.

Then I, being the completely logical horse person thing I was, decided to turn and run.

So you can imagine my surprise when I turned a corner and ran into the pink one again.

"I'm sorry, that's just my-"

"Tourettes?" I shot. I actually managed to catch her off guard.

"N-no? No, I'm not a tourist. It's my Pinkie sense. It told me somepony nearby was in need!"

I turned away again to run, but she found her way in front of me once more.

"Why are you sleeping in the middle of town like that? Huh? Where's your mommy and daddy? They better not be forcing you to sleep out here or ol' Pinkie's going to-"

"My parents are dead," I lied. "It's just me."

In hindsight, I probably could have told her the whole truth. Even if she didn't believe me and tried to tell other people (horses) that I'm some looney, I had a feeling she came off as plenty crazy for the two of us.

What I'm saying is, I should have probably just told her what really happened because who was going to believe her?

I really shouldn't have said that my parents were dead, because in the span of twenty seconds the nut case began to sob hysterically, claimed me as her own, unclaimed me as her own because I told her I was going to live with my family elsewhere, and then insisted I stay the night with her, because it was to rain again.

I want to be very clear: I said "no." I was careful to specify that the answer was no. If I had the ability to, I would have realigned the stars in the sky so they read the word "No." I sang her the word No. I also spelled it out to be extra clear.

So, she said, "Yeah!" with a grin. Again, I SAID NO. I even said it in Russian.

So I don't know for sure how I ended up in a guest bedroom atop a bakery in embarrassingly comfortable pajamas, but I do know this:

I greatly fear the pink menace.

End of Chapter

Sam Battles The Pink Menace

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"Courage is the resistance to fear, the mastery of fear- not the absence of fear."

-Mark Twain

She was literally standing over me until my eyes shut. I had to pretend that I was asleep for her to leave, and even then, I didn't trust her. For all I knew, she was going to pretend to leave, then wait for me to open my eyes and then end my life.

It took me three hours of pretending I was asleep, which was surprisingly difficult. If you pretend something long enough, you end up actually doing it. The last thing I wanted was to actually fall asleep now.

Once I was reasonably certain that I was safe, I opened my eyes with a yawn, and tried to quietly creep out of the bed. I cringed when my feet hit the ground with a clop. I tensed up and froze, my ears twitching around and listening intently for any signs of my kidnapper. She hadn't even left the door when I was made to have a bath.

To my relief and anxiety, I heard nothing. It was time for me to check the window. I may be able to escape through it.

I looked at my hooves again. How was I going to open that window, though? I didn't want to break it- the pink menace had introduced me to the horses who owned the bakery I was now sleeping above, and they seemed super nice. They even gave me a muffin and a glass of milk before bed, and I didn't want to repay the favor by breaking something.

In addition, if I broke the window, I would be making a really loud noise, and then she would come in and...

I shook my head. Admittedly, they were all really nice. Even the pink one. She was just... really animated. And lively. And energetic. And terrifying.

The reason I wanted out of here so bad was because I told her I was supposed to go to my family. See the problem?

Speaking of problems, I was facing a fairly large one right now: it wasn't the kind of window that would open. All the purpose it served was letting light into the room.

It also didn't help that there were strong iron bars on the outside of the window- I missed them on the way in on account of trying to free myself from the pink menace.

Okay, so window is out. My head turned to the door, and my heart stopped.

There she stood with the door shut behind her. Something was different, though. She looked puzzled, not crazy.

"Why are you up?" she whispered. "It's after midnight!"

I gulped, and looked back at the window.

"Ooh, is the moon too bright? We can switch rooms if you like."

"I don't belong here," I said. She tilted her head, and took a few steps forward. I fell to my rump.

"What's the matter?" she asked gently. It was the first time I didn't tense up when she approached. She sat next to me.

"I'm not supposed to be here," I whispered. I felt tears stinging my eyes but I didn't want to let them out.

I hardly even reacted when she put a hoof on my back.

"Please," I whispered. "Let me leave. I shouldn't be here."

"Huh? You can't leave, silly filly! Listen to the rain! Plus, you have a nice cozy bed tonight. Why would you want to leave?"

She seemed to sense that my emotional state was getting worse, because she made me look at her and then proceeded to stick her tongue out and make a weird face.

I stared.

"What are you?" I asked quietly. She grinned at me, and moved her hooves to my face to make me smile.

"Pinkie Pie! Same as I've been all day today!"

I said no more. Her manipulating of my face forced my tears free, and she pulled back, fearing she caused them.

"I didn't know dying could be so hard," I said shakily.

She didn't understand me at first. "Being an orphan doesn't sound like any fun to me."

I really was an orphan in a way, wasn't I? I certainly had no family here. Just the thought drained any energy from my body. I didn't even resist when she pulled me into her chest.

"Your family and friends will look out for you. I promise it will get better. Now, go on. Say whatever you need. Ol' Pinkie is listening!"

I had little left to say. Instead of a word, I focused on the sound of her heartbeat. This wasn't my behavior back home. I never needed comfort like this.

I didn't, right? I can't remember.

I did, however, feel my eyelids growing heavy. Pinkie gently rubbed my back while I just focused on existing and simultaneously not being in this situation.

That's how I fell asleep that night- in Pinkie's embrace.

End of Chapter

Nocturnal Admissions With Sam Stone

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"To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter."

-Francoise Sagan

I was confused. Tonight my sleep was not haunted by dreams of war. I came to just outside the front door to my house, and I was the human again- I mean, me again.

I gave my head a gentle shake, and pushed open the door.

The smell of freshly baked bread wafted into my nose, and I found myself waltzing right to the kitchen without another thought.

Instantly I was wrapped in a powerful hug by Stevie, as was his wont.

"Missed you," he said. I uneasily wrapped my arms around him too.

"Good to see you too. Go sit, it's dinner time."

He did as I asked, and I found myself raising an eyebrow. Stevie was certainly a bit more with it today than he usually was. Half the time he refused to leave his room unless he was allowed to bring his teddy with him.

"Where's Mr. Bear?" I asked. Stevie froze for a minute, and looked next to his cup, where he usually set the stuffed animal. I frowned. Here comes the Stevie I knew and loved.

When he saw nothing there, he started hyperventilating. Mom came around to one side to try and calm him, and I happened to see a little furry foot poking out from under the table. I recall Dad once saying, when we were really strapped for cash, that we might need to start selling off old stuff. He tried to convince Stevie to let Mr. Bear go to another kid who might need him.

As soon as the words left his lips, Stevie was a bawling mess. He was screaming that we couldn't take Mr. Bear away unless he could go too. He refused to eat or drink anything until Dad relented.

Ever since then, if the stuffed animal was out of his sight, he feared Dad having snuck away with it. He was already a sobbing mess, and Mom was doing what she could to keep him from ruining the rest of dinner- he'd already overturned a plate while pounding the table.

I pulled Mr. Bear up from where he fell, and shoved him into Stevie's face. It might seem rude to someone outside the family, but that was a surefire way to calm him down. It never failed.

And it didn't fail today. As soon as he figured out what was happening, his sobbing completely slowed to a halt, and he wasn't sending food all over the place anymore. There was a reason we never took him out to dinner when we had money.

"My, aren't you a good brother?" asked Mom. Her voice froze me, though. It wasn't Mom's voice. It sounded like someone else.

"Do you not recognize us?" she whispered. I finally got up the nerve to look at her.

"Princess of the Night, Luna?"

She grinned. "Very good! Please, have a seat."

I did as she asked. Part of my mind was berating me for not bowing to her first. As if sensing my turmoil, she shook her head.

"If anything, we should bow to you. Your dreams are your escapes. We are but a visitor."

"To what do I owe the honor?" I asked. "Can you please change back?"

She frowned. "Does this form not comfort you? We wished to make you feel at home."

I shook my head. "I just... this is all too new to me. May I ask why you are here today? You only come to end nightmares, right?"

I took a breath and looked at Stevie- he was feeding himself and Mr. Bear while paying us no attention- again, not unusual. Typical Stevie.

"Moreover, why do I know that?"

Princess Luna stood from her chair, and took the form I'd known her in. This time, however, she was far smaller- small enough to fit in our tiny kitchen. Additionally, I saw her flank- when I last saw her I remember seeing what looked like a crescent moon tattoo on it. Now, it looked like one of the symbols that the Japs used to talk to each other.

"Five hundred years."

I blinked. "Huh?"

She smiled comfortingly at me. "A pony's average life span is five hundred years."

I felt my blood run cold.

"You are but a filly because 16 years is still childhood. We took some years from you as well, as you have by now surely realized."

I blinked.

"You were taken far too early," she continued. "It was our desire to see you make a new life here."

"As a mare?" I gasped.

"We didn't choose your gender."

"Then who did?" I asked. Luna was silent for a moment, then pointed a hoof at me.

"You did, Sam."

I fell dead silent again, and she continued.

"The reason you feel as though you are losing yourself is because your mind is working on rewiring itself to better fit your new body. You unconsiously chose the body of a mare because some small part of you wished to run from your passing. Female Sam didn't die. Male Sam did."

Luna walked around the table to me. The kitchen I was in vanished. I barely paid any mind to Stevie's disappearance too.

I felt a hoof on my shoulder again. When I saw her flank again, the tattoo was different. It looked like a piece of parchment this time.

"Do not leave the ones you now know. They are good ponies to have in your life. I can think of none better."

I felt the tug again; the same that signaled my return to the waking world. Once more I looked to her. The mark had changed again- a cricket.

"Be good. I will see you again."

I awoke with a start to find myself still nestled against Pinkie, who was snoring loud enough that I wondered why no part of me mistook her for a tank.

I felt very guilty. I'd been considering her so insane in my mind, and maybe she was a little nutty, but she was kind.

I could feel my ears droop down. She wasn't trying to hurt me or scare me. She was just loud and bubbly, and slightly insane. Then again, who isn't a little bit out there?

She welcomed me into her home, if only for the night. I heard the pounding rain outside; had I been caught in that I wouldn't have slept. In addition, I'd gone to bed with a full stomach for the first time in what felt like ages.

I looked over my shoulder at the window. The sun was just barely making its way above the horizon. Again I rested my head against the pink menace. Yeah, I know. I just sang her praises, but think of it like this: how often do you come across someone who fits the title of pink menace? I rest my case.

She had her arm draped over me and I didn't want to risk waking her. At least, that's what I told myself.

Also, her fur is really soft.

I didn't feel myself fading again, even if I'd just slept 6 or fewer hours. Instead, I just listened to Pinkie's heartbeat.

I felt my brow rise. It seemed like even her resting heartbeat was extremely high. I felt a pang of worry, but was unsure I should be, considering just everything about this mare.

"Thank you," I whispered. I just barely caught her ears twitch in response.

She awoke once the sun began to send more of its rays into the window- directly into her eyes, no less. Surprisingly, she didn't seem bothered. That certainly would have annoyed me.

Her body tensed up, and slowly her eyes looked to me. I blinked at her.

A look of relief washed over her face. Hey, she remembered me!

"Morning morning morning!" she chirped.

"Good morning, Pink Menace."

She both helped me to stand and stood herself in one swift motion. Oddly, she didn't react to my nickname.

"How'dja sleep? I slept really really good! I dreamt there was this pony who had amnesia that made him forget everything up to the day he got amnesia, and I was dating him, and every day I had to come up with a new way to meet him and hit it off, and-"

She took a huge gulp of air, which prompted me to take a step back for fear of being inhaled.

"-Then we became special someponies and there was a stallion he chased away from me with a baseball bat!"

She grinned at me. "And then I woke up."

"I slept okay," I said, and against my wishes a small smile formed on my face, prompting her grin to become wider.

She then defied physics and leapt into the air with a cheer. When she landed, she pointed a hoof at me.

"I got you to smile!"

Still smiling, I only nodded gently.

"Thank you," I said softly. "For last night."

She tilted her head, so I tried to clarify.

"I was sad. You found me by the window."

She remained still.

"You hugged me."

She nodded. There it is. "Right! I like hugs. They're like cupcakes taken physical form."

"You mean cupcakes?"

She grinned. "Yeah! Speaking of, it's time for breakfast. Then I'll help you find your family!"

Gulp.

Sam Battles The Pink Menace Again

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"Tell all the truth, but tell it slant- success in ciruit lies."

-Emily Dickinson

In case you aren't following along, I woke up in a forest miles out from civilization in an unfamiliar body that shouldn't even technically exist, because I was too stupid to grasp the concept of flanking the enemy- as if that would have done me any good.

I had no family here. I couldn't call in a no questions asked favor with anyone on account of knowing nopon- nobody super well. Not even Rares.

I froze while I nibbled at a piece of toast. The gears in my head started spinning again. What if I lie to get out of that first lie? There's nothing smarter than that technique.

Pinkie was just yapping her nutty little head off while she and I ate- the managers of the establishment, Mr. and Mrs. Cake (I swear to God, you cannot make that up) were both off doing errands. The shop was closed today. I left the gold coins I was given at the table anyway. Surely they were worth something.

"...and that's when I earned my Master in Quantum Mechanics."

I faked a smile. "That's really cool, Pinkie Pie."

"Ooh! Did I tell you about paleontology? You see, funny story..."

I was once able to sneak out of school by just walking out the door with an air of confidence, and I could probably do the same here if I were exactly as I was back home. But this new damned body, and new emotions... I'm lucky these horses even speak English.

Wait, what if they aren't speaking English and I just magically learned horse language? After everything that's happened so far, it wouldn't surprise me.

"Sammy?"

I blinked and gave my head a gentle shake. Pinkie was eyeing me expectantly.

"Huh?"

"Let's go!"

Shit. Before I could say or do anything, she picked me up by the scruff of my neck.

"I- I-"

The door shut behind us, and she set me down in front of her.

"Lead the way! Just promise me when you come back we can have your welcome to Ponyville party."

I took a breath to steel myself. I had to find a way out of this.

Part of me asked why, though. Why not just admit I was a ward of the state? The place I found myself in was pretty nice so far, so I wondered if an orphanage would treat me as well here. At least I'd get three square meals and a warm bed.

Yet again I thought back to my dreams, specifically the one last night. If the recurring horse person in my dream was anything to go by, there was more than a review of my day or life going on. Additionally, she told me not to leave the ones I knew now.

I stole a glance up at the Pink Menace. The more I thought of it, the less I wanted to leave after all. It was funny- I may have no longer been in the war, but I still felt as though there were a conflict I was involved in. I wanted to tell her that I didn't really have anywhere to go, but at the same time I didn't want to admit to myself my changing feelings about this horse; this town.

"So?" she asked, pulling me from my thoughts. "See anypony that looks familiar to you?"

We were in town square, and there were many horses throughout- some were standing by the fountain I'd been spending my time at.

Moment of truth. I pointed with my front hoof out at an orange horse with a cowboy hat on. It was the only one I'd seen so far that wore something like that, so my logic was she came from out of town, which lessened the chance that Pinkie would either know her, or that she would be around to ask questions later.

Pinkie looked back and forth between me and who I was pointing at. Then, she grinned at me.

"You know Applejack?" she asked.

God, why do you hate me?

Before I could say I was mistaken, Pinkie bounced off towards the horse with the hat. I had to hope that she would see the desperation in my eyes and play along.

End of Chapter

To Make A Long Story Short

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She didn't.

End of Chapter

Ward of the Crown

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"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

-Proverbs 27:17

In my defense, I didn't know what an Element of Harmony was. I didn't know that I pointed the finger at the one horse here who literally everyone knew. I definitely didn't know that it was the bearer of the Element of Honesty. You know, on account of not knowing what that was in the first place.

Here I was sitting in a castle I was stunned I never noticed. A purple horse-unicorn-pegasi-thingy poured me a glass of milk. Her horn seemed to glow and the container did in kind. After all this, I just- I can't anymore.

"I wish you came to me first," she said. "Did you not find the note?"

I blinked. "Note?"

The horse smiled at me. "I left you two bits and my address a few days ago. Don't you remember?"

"Right, yes! Thank you for that, by the way."

She shook her head. "You looked like you really needed it."

Applejack walked into the room from the wing she and Pinkie were talking in. She sat down across from me.

"Pinkie's going out now to get the papers," she said to Twilight in a thick southern drawl.

"Would you like a glass of milk too, AJ?"

She nodded with a smile. "I'd like that, thank you."

Finally, the horse turned her head to me. I hadn't taken a sip of mine yet, lest I knock the glass over.

"You want to tell me why you lied, then?" she asked. I shrunk back a bit.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I'm not the one you should apologize to. Didn't your family ever teach you not to lie?"

I looked down at the table.

"Yes'm."

I heard her sigh softly. She put a reassuring hoof on mine.

"I'm sure Pinkie's not mad at'cha. I sure ain't either. If anything I'm flattered," she chuckled. "But you don't want to be an Apple, trust me. There's a lot of buckin' tough old apple trees involved. It'll kill a yougun's legs."

I heard her pick up her glass, but I still refused eye contact.

"Don't get me started on Big Mac's snorin'. Trust me, you don't want in on that."

I felt a smile pull at my face.

"Heh, don't tell him I said that. He'll never forgive me."

"She's not kidding," said the purple horse, Twilight Sparkle. "I swear I could hear Big Mac's snoring from Canterlot."

Applejack chuckled. Twilight Sparkle sat down next to her and both eyed me.

"So, why don't you tell us what you're doing out there on your own? Where are your parents?"

I gathered the courage to look at them both. Applejack was eyeing me hard, as if to see if I were to lie again.

I took a breath to steady myself, and stared Twilight down. "I'm dead to them."

Twilight looked to Applejack, her eyes begging the cowgirl to call my bluff. Unfortunately for her, Applejack nodded her head slowly.

"Can't spot a sign of deception."

I felt a hoof on my own. "I'm so sorry, sugarcube."

I nodded wordlessly. "Thanks. I'm sorry for lying."

"Yeah, why would you lie to Pinkie about having a place to stay? Were you afraid she would be all Pinkie about it? You know what? I just answered my own question.

"I know she's really energetic all the time, but she's a good pony. She makes it her mission to meet and befriend every new pony to the town. She also has this habit of throwing parties every chance she gets."

I tilted my head. Twilight smiled, and continued. "She tried to throw a tax return party three years ago."

I blinked. "Why?"

"Because she's Pinkie Pie."

I was silent for a moment, and decided not to pursue that conversation any further. Something told me I made the right move.

"What are you going to do with me?" I asked, looking into my still untouched glass of milk.

"Pinkie is going to get some paperwork. What happens next is up to you, Sammy."

I stayed quiet, willing her to continue.

"If you're a ward of the crown, you can't be left on the streets, especially at your age. You've got the option of Honorhall Orphanage, or door number two."

What's door number two? Before I could even voice my question, Pinkie practically bounced into the room- the door slammed open and I immediately tensed up- the racket sounded to me like a rifle report. I unconsciously slid myself further down in the chair.

"That's meeeeee!!!!!!" she screamed. She'd been awful loud since I met her, but... I wouldn't be surprised if a battle in my world completely stopped, and they all looked to the sky wondering what that voice was.

"Umm... what Pinkie is trying to say is we also have adoption forms for you to fill out. I mean, if you want. You don't have to."

I looked over my shoulder at the source of the new voice. She seemed to be shaking as much as I was, though in her case it was due to the cold outside. Her fur was almost gold save for her mane- it was pink. She had a tattoo of a few butterflies on her flank- I'd asked Pinkie about those tattoos over breakfast as I've seen them on many horses here. She called it a cutie mark.

So, another phrase made the list.

At the moment, however, I was drowning in my thoughts. I had a family! I had a mom and a dad and a... a... brother! They were without me. I didn't want to be adopted!

I certainly didn't want to go to an orphanage either, the more I thought about it- I had been surviving on my own so far.

I recalled what Princess Luna told me in my previous dream- that creatures such as we could live upwards of 500 years. If that were true, how old did that make me? Pinkie thought six, right?

"A-a-a-adopted?" I squeaked. The yellow horse nodded gently.

"How long until I am an adult?" I gasped out. Twilight tilted her head while the others went about conversing.

"Legal adult age, you mean? You have to be 25."

"How old are you?" I whispered. She smiled. "87."

The room began to spin again. On my way to the floor I saw Rainbow Dash once more.

"She's going down again," she said before starting towards me.

Where the fuck am I?

End of Chapter

The Faintastic Filly

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"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep."

-Robert Frost

Fainting this much can't be normal. Even here.

"Same thing happened a day or two ago. I just stopped to say something to her and she dropped like... like..."

"You into my library?"

I heard an uneasy chuckle. "Yeah, that."

"Why would you leave her unattended after you found her anyway, Dash?"

I could practically feel her rub her arm uneasily. "Yeah, not my brightest idea. B-but you did it, too!"

"She's stirring," said a new voice. My head throbbed.

"Goodness, but her mane is a mess, isn't it?" the new voice continued.

"Rarity, could you not?"

"I'm only saying. It'll take two bottles of conditioner and some tough discipline to make it manageable again."

"Rarity?" I mumbled. The new voice let out an "Eep!" and I opened my eyes. The light was dim, and another new unicorn was standing over me. She was the only one in my field of view, though. At the time, I was still so sluggish that I only noticed a few things about her: her pristine white fur and a purple mane.

"You're not Rarity," I mumbled, half groggy. She blinked, and smiled kindly at me. "Is that any way to thank your benefactor the last few days, darling?"

My eyes widened, and I hesitantly got to my feet. Dash came to my side to support me in case I went down again.

"You?" I asked. She nodded with a smile.

"You were the one I owe my thanks to?" I asked.

"Well, I wouldn't say you have to thank me. I was only doing what my parents would have done, and-"

I cut her off by doing something I hadn't done properly since the day I left for basic training- I hugged someone, and that someone was this new horse.

"Oh, my!"

"Thank you," I said softly. "Your care gave me strength to survive these past few days. I could have gotten sick had you not brought me what you brought me."

I felt her bring her arms around me too, albeit a tad uneasily.

"Now, now. I also didn't come to you personally to help, and I could have brought attention to your situation sooner. But we simply must do something about that mane of yours. Once we figure out what to do with you I will have to get you in touch with a stylist. Consider it a gift."

I smiled gently at her; my first real smile since morning.

"I need to return the favor myself. I don't leave debts unpaid."

"If you insist, perhaps every now and again you can help me at the Botique. If you go to Honorhall, I'm sure they will let you come help little old me out."

I tilted my head. "Botique?"

"Carousel Botique. Oh, you simply must stop by!"

I looked to the others. Rarity shot them a nervous grin.

"Oh, right. Of course, we must first figure out where it is you stand."

She cleared her throat, and I was brought to the table I was sitting at earlier. The glass of milk was set aside and two seperate paper packets lay before me. I was left a quill and some ink.

Shit.

"The one on the left certifies that you're a ward of the crown, and will be sent to Honorhall," said Twilight. "All you have to do is sign at the line on the bottom."

This is unbelievable. I would have to be there until I turned twenty five? Granted, I've so far done a ton of crying, sulking, and fainting for someone my age, but...

Wow. I actually had no excuse. Yeah, I could blame the body, but I'm currently using it. I'd end up going wherever it went, right? If my previous issues were any indication, I sure wasn't maturing mentally very fast in this body.

"The one on the right," Twilight continued. "Grants custody of you to Pinkie Pie, since she pulled the short straw- err, she is the one you know best, I mean."

I stole a glance at the Pink Menace, who I saw was holding out a short length of straw with a proud grin. Something told me she didn't understand how that particular game worked. I could see Twilight Sparkle hold a hoof to her face.

"Err, you know how to write, don't you?"

I shook my head. "Not like this."

"Uh oh. You're a bit too old for one of us to sponsor you. Okay, umm... do you know how to use your magic? It'll save us from having to go fetch different forms."

"Magic?" I echoed. She smiled at first, thinking I was kidding.

That didn't last.

"You don't know magic?" she asked a tad forcefully. I shrunk back in my seat a bit.

"Twilight, please calm yourself," said the yellow pink one. I still did not know her name. Twilight took a breath, and sipped the cup of milk she originally meant for me. She then realized what she did and frowned at me.

"I'm sorry. It's just... all unicorns know at least basic magic by the time they learn to talk."

I crossed my arms like a child refusing her- his greens. "Guess I am an exception."

I should probably mention that ever since I sat Pinkie was staring right into my soul. If I turned my head to one side I risked accidentally kissing her. There is no such thing as personal space as far as Pinkie Pie is concerned.

Twilight gently nudged Pinkie away to my relief and sat down closer to me. "Shut your eyes and clear your mind. Take a deep breath."

I blinked, but did as was asked. It wasn't easy to clear my thoughts at the moment, though the horses gave me my time. After several minutes, however, I felt something happen; as if a walled off portion of my mind had just been broken down. As it happened, Twilight Sparkle seemed to notice.

"You've unlocked your magic. Now, picture the quill, but not the ink it is resting in. Nothing else exists. It's just the quill."

"Just the quill," I parroted. I could feel Twilight nod.

"Now you yourself have come into existence. It is just you and the quill."

"Just me and the quill."

"Imagine every bit of it. Feel the bite of its sharp edge; the tickle of the feather itself. Nothing else matters."

"Wait, what about-"

"Pinkie, quiet. Now, imagine you are grasping it with your very sense of self. You've become the quill, and it bends to your command."

I nodded. "I feel it."

"Good. It will listen to your commands. Command it to float."

I heard Pinkie squeal, but my concentration wasn't breaking. I was in a total trance.

"Very good. Open your eyes, Sammy."

I did as she told me once more to see the quill floating above the ink. Its tip was still wet.

"Send it to the paper that you've chosen, and command that it write your name."

Now came a choice that was not really a choice. Did I want to go to an orphanage or did I want to stay with Pinkie? Turd sandwich or turd sandwich with mustard?

My eyes wandered over each paper countless times but the quill waited patiently in the air. The ink blotted at its tip didn't even move or dry.

"Take all the time you need."

Let's see... did I want to be guaranteed a bed and three meals a day among other orphans? Or did I want to put up with the Pink Menace on a daily basis? I looked around the room, searching for a way out of this whole mess. They seemed to anticipate that, because Dash was standing in front of one door and Applejack was in front of another. If I tried to go backward I just knew Pinkie was going to be the one I crashed right into.

I heaved a sigh, and looked between my options again. I got no further than the first few lines on each. I've always hated paperwork.

I squeezed my eyes shut once more, and sent the quill forth.

I signed my name Sammy Stone.

On the adoption form.

End of Chapter

Screaming Sammy

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel is also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

-Dave Barry

Pinkie really loves parties. I am convinced her blood is just confetti. Anyone who has attended a party hosted by her tends to agree that she knows what she is doing. They're always a hit.

As time passed with her, we both learned more of the other. For example, I learned that you can answer many of life's mysteries with the phrase, "because Pinkie Pie." She learned not to use party poppers around me. My anxiety once got so bad I yelled "active shooter" and took cover. It took a half hour for me to calm down. That was fun to explain my way out of.

Neither of us, however, knew much of the other at the time I signed the papers. From the moment I set down the quill (which was a matter of taking a deep breath and giving my head a gentle shake), I had a feeling something was going on.

You see, where I'm from, parties involve various props. You can have pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs, a food stand, alcohol, darts, or pool (I was excellent at pool). Most parties where I am from don't involve cannons. You remember the part where I got killed by what was basically a cannon on steroids? So do I.

So, Pinkie was hopping around me in circles as happy as a swine in poo, and the others who I barely knew were just going about their business- the papers were to be returned to the proper authorities after what I was told would be a small celebration. I didn't know why there was a celebration planned; I suppose just to get my morale up considering how I spent the better part of my time here so far.

Twilight's assistant was this small purple dragon named Spike, but I always had this urge to call him Barney for some reason. He's a really nice, umm... reptile. That's basically what I told myself for several months: He wasn't a dragon. He was just a sentient reptile, because that was less traumatic to my stupid mind. We met shortly after Pinkie finished squeezing the life out of me because I signed the adoption form. I'm told she probably would have done that regardless of what I did, though.

Spike is also the only one that doesn't try to treat me with kid gloves because I said I was dead to my family. He treated me like an equal, which was refreshing. Even Rainbow Dash, the roughest of the horses I'd met so far, put her voice up an octave and got really touchy feely with me for the first several days. I'm okay with comforting gestures, but I can only take so much before they start to smother me.

I digress.

Pinkie was still hopping circles around me and I long gave up on tracking her with my eyes. Instead, I put my focus on the yellow and pink pegasus, Fluttershy. She lived up to her name too- she was very shy. It seemed as if she was wilting from my stare alone. Granted, I was once a powerhouse of a guy, but how intimidating is a tiny horse with a horn on its head? As much so as a box full of kittens, I assume.

Suddenly, Pinkie stopped in front of me with a grin.

"We're going to make cupcakes and play games and send you to school and introduce you to the princesses and..."

"Sam."

I turned my head to Twilight while Pinkie kept talking.

"I'm sorry I drank the milk I poured you. Can I get you another glass?"

I smiled a false smile at her. "That's okay, I'm not thirsty."

"...find you your cutie mark and help you find a special somepony and teach you how to cook cakes, but not Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and..."

"Are you sure? I'm sure I have more, and... I have water and juice too if you like."

I shook my head. "Thank you, though. And thank you for teaching me how to use my magic."

She blinked. "I didn't teach you much. What I showed you how to do was one of the most simple manipulations. Trust me, there's a lot more where that came from!"

She finished her statement with a smile. "We'll make a unicorn out of you yet."

"...and even send you to the same place I got my Master in Philosophy! Or I can send you where I got my Master in Equestrian History. Come to think of it, I can probably also send you..."

Pinkie stopped abruptly and her eyes widened.

"I'll be right back," she said, and in a flash she was gone.

"I still say she's faster than you are Dash," said Applejack.

Rainbow scoffed. "Please. I can travel twice the speed of crazy."

"I hear it in your voice, Rainbow. You doubt," I said. The others chuckled while she scowled.

Before she could respond, Pinkie burst back through the door rolling what looked like a blue cannon with her.

I, for whatever reason, instantly thought of a Kraut mortar system. We called it a Screaming Mimi. I never saw it in action, but I heard the stories behind it and I feared it immensely.

The next thing I heard was an explosion, and I was on the battlefield again being pinned in a foxhole.

A Kraut machine gunner was fixed on my position and pelting it. The guy I was sharing the foxhole with caught a round to the head. I was doing all I could to burrow into the dirt. So far, I wasn't hit.

There was a gunshot from a foxhole near mine, and the machine gunner let up. I poked my head up to see the Kraut slumped over his weapon. I pulled the Mongoose, and aimed as well. In an encampment like the one I was engaging with, there was always more than just one. I learned that from one of my squad mates.

Sure enough, I saw movement- a helmet moving just behind the sandbags. The dead Kraut was pulled back and off the gun- as he fell I took note that about a quarter of his head was missing- I could see scalp flopping uselessly over the wound.

I aimed directly at the machine gun itself, and was prepared to open fire as soon as the next one attempted to take it.

A mortar shell landed just shy of me in the foxhole, but did not detonate. I managed to turn to see it, but in so doing lost my chance to kill the next one before he could get a shot off.

Again the machine gun was roaring, but this time it was pinning down the sniper that killed the first one. I knew, however, that if I were to try and leave the foxhole, I would be cut down in short order.

I had a staring contest with the mortar shell. Dud or not, it was to be considered live ordinance until it either detonated or was safely disarmed.

I suddenly felt an incredible surge of soothing energy come over me, and the battleground I was in gave way to the castle again. At the moment, however, I was only aware of a few things:

I was shaking like a leaf and hiding under the table, but I wasn't crying. I was gasping for breath, as if I'd run a mile. Fluttershy was reaching a hoof out to me as if to coax me from my hiding place, and the others were eyeing me with varying degrees of concern.

Pinkie was noticeably absent.

"Sammy, please come out. It's okay. Pinkie didn't mean to scare you," cooed Fluttershy.

For whatever reason, her voice soothed me. I felt my heartbeat returning to a steady rhythm and my breathing become more relaxed the more she coaxed me. I inched my way towards her bit by bit while the others looked on. The Screaming Mimi was nowhere to be spotted, but confetti littered the floor along with a few party hats. I even saw some balloons tied off in varying places.

"Wh- wh..." I choked on my words. Fluttershy beckoned me forward and I crept out from under the table. Remarkably, I did not faint this time.

Fluttershy tried to pull me in for a hug, but I reared away. She settled for just sitting near me while I tried to slow my breathing down.

"You okay?" asked Applejack. I was still shaking.

"Wha..."

"Pinkie Pie loves parties," explained Twilight with a hint of concern in her voice. "She loves them so much so that she got a party cannon to help her prepare them and throw them."

I stared blankly.

"She wanted to throw you a welcome party, Sammy. The adoption papers make you her filly, and... I guess she got really excited."

"She didn't mean to scare you. When she saw what state you were in she was so upset. She's outside now because she feared scaring you more," said Fluttershy.

"I- I... a party cannon?" I squeaked. I wasn't looking, but I could feel Fluttershy nod.

"She uses it to prepare entire parties. One shot can set up a room."

"How?" I asked, a hint of alarm on my face.

"Pinkie Pie," said Rainbow. She seemed like she was trying to keep her cool, but i could see concern in her eyes; concern for me.

I knew all these horses for less than a day, and I hated that I felt so comfortable around them. Was everyone around here so easy to befriend; so... intoxicating?

"Pinkie," I rasped. "I should talk to her."

The others then proceeded to talk simultaneously over each other, each saying things varying from "Oh, you don't have to if you don't want to" to "She only meant to make you feel welcome. It would be a nice gesture to forgive her."

I knew that Pinkie didn't mean to scare me. The German war machine was about as far from my mind as could be, and then there was that explosion, and...

I gave my head a shake while squeezing my eyes shut. I saw very little action back home, right? Why was I being haunted by combat fatigue?

Seeing the husks of my side's vehicles laying wrecked all about, maybe? The bodies I saw strewn about the ambush zone? The graphic detail in stories told by those in the barracks who were then no stranger to combat? It felt like so little to me, as cold-hearted as that may sound.

Men much bigger and better than me have seen far worse atrocities. I felt as though my reactions and night terrors were some kind of weird award for service and I'd not earned them yet.

When I found Pinkie, I had to fight back the urge to gasp. She was sitting on a bench outside that I swear wasn't there earlier, and she may as well have had a storm cloud hovering over her head. She refused to look up, even when I approached. Even her normally poofy mane was drooped down over a shoulder.

"Can I tell you a secret, Pinkie?" I asked. She didn't respond but the flick of her ears.

"I had a brother."

She looked at me finally, but said nothing. She blinked. Her eyes were reddened, as if she'd been crying.

"His name was Stevie. Nicest guy you'd ever meet and he was positively massive."

I sat beside her. "He could tear large textbooks in half."

Pinkie still said nothing, but I saw in her eyes she was listening intently.

"He was older than me physically, but he was slow."

Pinkie tilted her head.

"He was slow mentally, Pinkie. He understood what family was, and he understood basic concepts and words, but..."

I gave my head a shake. "He didn't really understand things like morals or death. Bless him though, he tried to."

I took a breath. "When my cousin died, I had to tell him twelve times."

"How did your cousin die?" she asked softly. I fixed a hard look on her for a moment, but looked away.

"He was killed. I..."

I gulped, and squeezed my eyes shut. "I can't remember how or where."

Pinkie gasped, but allowed me to continue.

"I kept saying, 'Stevie. You need to get it this time. Donny isn't coming back. He's dead.' He kept asking me to get Donny to help explain what he was doing."

I scooted closer to Pinkie. "We didn't always see eye to eye. There was just so much that he couldn't understand. He tried to bathe my hamster once and ended up drowning it. I didn't speak to him for two weeks."

Pinkie's eyes overflowed, and I sighed.

"The point is, sometimes really bad things happen."

I smiled up at her. "But I don't hate for it or think less of those around me for it."

"So, you don't hate me?" she asked, a bit of hope blossoming in her voice. I shook my head.

"You were willing to take a random off the street and adopted her thereafter. You had no idea I would react that way to your surprise- come to think of it, I didn't even know it. I'm not mad at you. I certainly don't hate you-"

I was cut off by a loud squeal and a bone crushing hug. I heard a poof, as if a parachute had opened. Her mane had seemingly gone back to its normal state- organized chaos.

"So you're not going to go to the orphanage and have funny backwards talking dreams with the flaming cards?"

I smiled and shook my head, then squinted my eyes.

"Say, why do you want me to stay so badly?"

She grinned. "I like making friends and I like making ponies smile. Plus, it seems like everypony else has someone. Rarity has Sweetie Belle, Applejack has Applebloom, Rainbow has Scootaloo, Twilight has Spike, and Fluttershy has Discord. Sure, I have my sisters but they don't live so close."

Pinkie's ears drooped for a moment, then perked up.

"Then I saw you, and how sad you looked. I just knew I had to do something for you. When I found out you were alone- that settled it!"

She grinned at me. "Questions?"

I held a hoof up. "Who are Sweetie Belle, Apple Boom, Tootaloo, and is "Discord" a band name? Because it sounds like a band name to me."

She was about to respond when I felt a raindrop. I frowned up at the sky and heard Pinkie gasp. The rain started picking up from nowhere, but it wasn't normal rain.

Chocolate rain.

"What fresh hell is this?" I muttered.

"My, but what a mouth on that one."

I was standing in a second, but Pinkie didn't seem to be surprised or anything. Within seconds another creature appeared before me, and it was a total mish mosh of animals with a serpentine body, but limbs of different creatures. He was facing away from us for a moment, then whirled about, pulling off a top hat I'd only then noticed.

"Well? First impressions?"

I blinked, and he chuckled. "Stunned silence works for me. Hello, Pinkie Pie."

"Hi, Discord!"

I looked to my side and saw Pinkie standing again, only now she was holding an umbrella above me.

Don't bother. I have no idea where she got it from either.

"Hello, and you must be Sam. Or is it Sammy nowadays?"

I scowled, but eyed him up and down. "What are you supposed to be?" The creature put a paw to his chest, and gasped as though my words wounded him.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm the master manipulator; the embodiment of chaos and disharmony itself- the latter only on Tuesdays though. Discord itself."

The mismatch creature proceeded to hold out a lion's paw with a grin, which I took uneasily.

"Charmed," he said lowly.

He looked me over, and then reached into Pinkie's mane, pulling out a stethoscope.

I swear to God I'm not making any of this up.

Pinkie exclaimed something about having misplaced it, but I wasn't listening. Discord, meanwhile, held it to my chest.

"Come to think of it, what are you supposed to be, Sammy? You really ought to get those marks checked out."

He poked at one of the pale areas that marred my fur- everywhere there was a spot on me coincided with where i'd been stabbed. No, hit. Beaten?

Wait, what happened to me that left me with scars?

Oh, right! It was during the war. One of the Krauts hit me with some nasty spells and my fur never regained its lost color.

He snapped his fingers in front of my eyes and I came back to reality.

"Let's see, the thousand yard stare, extreme fear of explosions and especially loud noises, strange scarring... What in Equestria could that all mean?"

I blinked again, and sniffed. "You smell," I said plainly.

Not to brag or anything, but I managed to get the self appointed master of chaos himself to actually shrink back, if only for a moment.

"It's rude to say things like that, young lady," he said. Then, he took a whiff of his underarm.

"But in this case, you're right. You two pulled me from my bath time with your gossip!"

Before either of us could say a word, he pulled a shower cap out of his top hat, and placed it on his head.

"Toodaloo!"

With that, he snapped, and was gone as soon as he appeared. The rain had stopped again with his departure. We were silent for a moment, after which Pinkie piped up.

"...So that was Discord."

Pinkie and I returned to the castle together. I suppose the spring in her step and that I kept my head up spoke for us, as the others smiled.

With help from one of the others, I put on a party hat that was on the ground. Pinkie, though I swear she hadn't touched one of them since we got in, was wearing one now herself.

A noisemaker was in her mouth too, and she grinned through it before sounding it off.

As if on cue, more confetti fell from above, and my first Pinkie Party began for real.

It was the first of many under her roof.

End of Chapter

Culture Shock

View Online

"A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots."

-Marcus Garvey

My first night following the adoption was unique to me, because I managed to actually fall asleep in a cozy bed once my head hit the pillow. My dreams, however, were not peaceful. I prided myself in the fact that I hadn't actually shouted out upon awakening yet.

Again, however, as soon as my night terrors were about to get even worse, the dream changed to one of purity and calm.

Pinkie woke me the next morning to get me fitted for...

Sigh.

"C'mon! We need to get you to Rarity- you can't go to the royal court without looking your best!"

Due to the lack of written records regarding me (I didn't even have a birth certificate here for obvious reasons), I was to be brought to a castle in a place called Canterlot for some paperwork and finalizing of my adoption. I was told that the rulers of Equestria lived there and if I was good, they would see about me getting a viewing.

Yeah, a viewing. I couldn't help but picture the rulers sitting totally still on thrones staring into space, and just being stared at. It made me happy that I was not royalty.

It was doubtful that I would actually meet them myself, but I was told that Pinkie knew them well, and Twilight was a dear friend of theirs.

I didn't know who they were, though. Pinkie just told me they were called Celestia and Luna. Both names sounded very familiar to me, and I wondered just why I had to ask in the first place. The Princesses were known by all from first conscious thought, after all. They must have just slipped my mind.

My problem was having to be made presentable. My mane was still a mess not unlike Pinkie's, only hers actually worked for her and I looked like I just got struck by lightning. That could be fixed with some tough love in the form of a brush, though.

The other issue was, in order for me to be made presentable, I was told I'd need a dress, which Rarity would make for me.

I didn't want to be difficult especially to my new guardian, though, so I donned a false smile and tried to cooperate as well as I could.
Okay, that's not the real reason I didn't struggle. The real reason was, I until then had never seen an angry Pinkie Pie, and something told me that it was probably for the best if I kept it that way.

I also had to pretend to have a care of the different color fabrics, designs, and textures Rarity was showing me.

"For your fur, I think a nice pink or even light blue would look good. Ooh, or perhaps..."

That's exactly everything I remember Rarity saying that didn't go right over my head. The rest of the conversation consisted of fashion hokum and excited squealing between her and my caretaker, because apparently so much as being in proximity to the princesses was an honor, even to those who consider themselves friends of theirs.

I did what I did best: I smiled and nodded. Inwardly, however, I was terrified. I didn't want to wear a dress. The boys in the squad would have a field day if they found out! Especially Sergeant- Captain...

Captain, uhh...

Oh, shit. Captain Herd something or other?

"What do you think?"

I blinked. How could I forget the name of my squad leader? There was Sammy, Corporal Prick, His Holiness Sergeant Kelly Eldrige III Fucking Esquire (we called him Sasquatch), and...

"Captain Hartman!" I shouted, prompting Rarity to jolt backwards.

"Wha-"

"Pinkie Pie!" shouted Pinkie. We ignored her, and Rarity decided that asking about my outburst was probably not the best move, so she just sort of went around it.

"I- I asked, what do you think of this style, darling?"

I blinked, and looked at the mirror I'd only then noticed.

Rarity did not disappoint. Even I had to admit the dress looked nice. She went with a light blue silky material, and a golden brooch of the sun and moon together on my chest.

That's all I could really tell about the dress. Oh, it was comfortable too!

"I uhh, it's nice," I said. Rarity seemed to be awaiting more praise, and considering she had been the one giving me food when I was homeless, I had to make something up off the cuff so as not to insult her.

"I like the brooch," I said. "It looks good with the dress."

"Do you love the material, or do you love the material?" she asked with an excited grin.

I smiled a fake smile and nodded once more.

"I uhh, love the material!" was the only answer. Anything to get me out of here and out of this damned dress, no matter how comfy it was.

Rarity squealed, as if I were somepony particularly important that appreciated her work and I just said it, didn't I?

Rarity and Pinkie proceeded to talk about something that I had no interest in. All I wanted was to wake up in a field hospital or something. Surely my side had some healing spells they could have used on me.

I barely even flinched when another filly around my age entered the building and tried to talk to me after spotting me. She waved a hoof in front of my eyes but I wasn't responsive, so she called me weird and ran up a staircase. I later found out it was Rarity's little sister.

When I finally came out of my trance I was no longer in my dress, and was on Pinkie's back being walked to who knows where.

"Pinkie?" I asked. Her ears twitched.

"Yeah?"

"I'm okay to walk. You don't have to carry me."

"You seemed to be really deep in thought. You didn't even react when I put you on my back!"

I blinked. Was I really that out of it?

"At any rate, I can walk. It's okay." With a smile she dropped down.

"Okie dokie lokie," she chirped. With a grateful smile I hopped off her back so I may walk by her side. I was getting really good at walking. I almost never stumbled anymore.

We were silent again for a few moments while we walked. Silence doesn't last if Pinkie has anything to say about it, though.

"So, what do you want to go as for Nightmare Night?"

I blinked. "Come again?"

"I'm going to go as a clown! Rawr, scary clown!"

She gasped. "You should go as a box of cereal!"

"Pinkie-"

"It would be so easy!"

"I don't-"

"You could be a cereal killer!"
"Do you mean Halloween?" was what I finally managed to ask. Pinkie tilted her head.

"No, like a box of Toxic-O's. Or Cutie Mark Crunch! But you need a knife too. Or a machete."

She gasped. "Ooh! What about a crossbow?"

I finally put a hoof on her arm to stop her.

"What is Nightmare Night?" I asked. As soon as my question was out, I saw her expression change to one of shock. She looked like I did when a kid at school asked me who Jesus was. Just... how?

"Do you live on this planet?" she all but shrieked. "Everypony knows what Nightmare Night is!"

I frowned, and pointed to myself. "Not this one."

She opened her mouth, but shut it again. Then, she got the look. You see, many of the horses here are keen on singing. That's no issue in and of itself. The problem is I've seen them burst into song and dance literally in the middle of the street.

"Weeeeeeellll.... Nightmare Night is such a fright-"

I swear to God I blacked out after she sung that first line. I was still standing, mind you. Surprisingly enough I didn't actually faint. But I have no recollection of anything that happened during the next four minutes.

All I know is what seemed like the entirety of the town's horses who were out that day seemed to have joined in for the ditty, and Pinkie had donned a top hat, moustache, cane and tuxedo during her song.

As quickly as it had all started, however, it was over, and I was happy. I even did the sign of the cross at the end.

"Does that answer your question?" asked Pinkie with a grin.

I only blinked. "Can you explain like I'm two?"

She giggled. "I just did!"

Damn. "Alright, six then?"

Pinkie then proceeded to remove the false moustache she'd put on as well as the other props and wardrobe she'd been using, and then put them all away. Now, when I say she put them away, I don't mean she put them in like a storage chest somewhere.

She stuffed everything into her mane. I've since come to the conclusion that Pinkie's mane is a hole in the fabric of space and time.

When I managed to get an answer out of her that wasn't in song regarding Nightmare Night, I figured it was basically Halloween. Apparently, everyp- EVERYONE who is around my age or Pinkie Pie goes house to house for candies while dressed up in costumes. So, basically trick-or-treating. The reason they do it though, is because they both wish to avoid being eaten by, and also hope to appease for another year some sort of demon they called Nightmare Moon.

Want to guess what my next question was?

"Who is Nightmare Moon?" I asked, and if I had fingers I would have been crossing them that there was no more singing to come. Pinkie has a good singing voice and all, but random musical numbers on the road where I'm from are just wrong, and I refuse to sing a note even in happy go lucky land.

"Nightmare Moon? Wow, you really are out of touch! You see, Nightmare Moon is-"

She literally bumped into an office. It didn't exactly dart out in front of her. Still, she didn't seem to mind. She grinned up at it, then down at me.

"We'll have to talk about that later. For now, you've got another appointment!"

I blinked. Pinkie proceeded to bring a hoof to my eye and opened it further through some type of sorcery. Amazingly, my eye wasn't the least bit irritated by it.

"Rainbow says you've fainted before, missy. You need to stop it."

She bopped me on the nose, as if it were my fault I was fainting a lot, but the smile on her face told me she was only feeling playful.

"So, you need a checkup. And a lollipop."

She proceeded to pull me in close as if she hoped to tell me something of utmost importance.

"Try to score me a lollipop too," she whispered.

I had to promise I would, and it was probably good I did. Still, I was not happy being at the doctor's office. The Pink Menace struck- Had I known I would be seeing a doctor too I would have made my peace already- I always hated being poked and prodded.

At least there wasn't so much waiting involved. We were taken to a room almost immediately. We didn't even have to say anything- they just saw Pinkie and directed us to Room 101, which to me said she's a regular here. I later found out she really was a regular here, though not for the reasons I'd suspected. It turned out she was fond of visiting the sick fillies and foals and bringing them cake and other treats.

I recalled with a smile the time my brother tried to make a cake with my mother. He was in charge of the icing, while my mother made the cake itself. It seemed like he got the icing on everything except the cake. It doesn't come out of corduroy. The cake itself was delicious, though.

When I returned to reality, Pinkie was MIA. I was the only one in the room now, and I looked around at the pictures of pony anatomy, the tools, the sterile counters, the clown picture that I just wanted to punch...

The more I thought about this place, I realized I knew so little. There was a box of toys in the room with me- they even had a few books. Sadly, no radio. What I'd give for some Little Orphan Annie or a good Fats Domino tune.

I studied the books for a while, but I kept finding my eyes wandering over to the box of toys, as if I wanted to play around with them over the books.

Still, I forced myself to look at the books some more. Most were of a series called Daring Do, but I found a few randoms in there. I swear I saw one called Mules Are Ponies Too.

I looked at my hooves, though. As if I could pick up the toys to begin with. Or- or even the books. Unless I could manipulate with my horn again. If I did it with a quill how difficult could a few dolls be?

I sat before the crate, and eyed my horn as well as I could. Okay, just me and the crate. Nothing else exists.

Wait, no. Just me! Right? Just me. Sammy. All that exists is me.

"There is no doctor's office. Just me in a void," I whispered. I could feel something tingle at the tip of my horn.

"Now, I see it. Just me and the toy crate. Nothing else exists."

I heard a clatter, but did not yet open my eyes. I could feel it, though. The crate was hovering. It felt as though something was tugging on my very soul.

"Having fun?"

I gave a shout and my eyes shot open as I jolted backward. The crate crashed to the floor and the toys scattered everywhere. I found myself hoping I didn't break anything. The last thing I wanted was any trouble.

I heard a hearty laugh from a familiar male voice, and looked to my side with a scowl.

"Well, you smell better," I grumbled. "That's a plus."

"Baby soap. It's one of the best inventions out there," he replied. "No more tears."

"Why are you here?" I asked. He put a paw to his chin.

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Something about a check up on account of my fainting."

He held a finger up in front of me and waggled it back and forth.

"Ah-ah-ah! You know that's not what I mean."

I was silent. He slithered down to my level and put his face beside mine.

"I mean why are you here? In Equestria?"

I remained silent for just a moment, and then held my hooves out. I "accidentally" bopped him on the cheek with one of them.

"Hell if I know."

He chuckled. "That's an interesting turn of phrase! I would think you would go with, 'Only the Flying Spaghetti Monster knows' or some such nonsense."

I blinked, but he continued. "Yes, yes. That's not until a few years after your time."

"What do you want from me?" I asked. He frowned.

"Just because I've decided to visit you doesn't mean I want something. Suppose I just wanted to make a new friend!"

This time, I frowned. "There are more opportune places to catch me than a doctor's office."

"Yes, you looked to be having rather a bit of fun with that crate."

He cleared his throat, and we both looked to the toys now scattered about. With a snap of his fingers, they were in the crate and righted again. Then, he slithered beside me again, holding my shoulders and I could feel his stare seep into my soul.

"I do think I'll be keeping an eye on you," he said. "At least until you no longer interest me."

I growled, and forced his mitts off me.

"Don't touch me."

"My, testy aren't we?" he asked.

I pointed a hoof at him. "I may not have the muscle I used to have, but I will still tie you in a knot if you irritate me."

I heard him heave a sigh, and he gave his head a shake. "Your kind is always so violent. I'm a good guy now! Well, kind of. It simply wouldn't do for me to offend dear Fluttershy. So I will overlook your callous."

He snapped his fingers once more, and again the toys I'd manipulated were all over. He grinned an evil grin.

"This time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see a daedra about a fishstick."

He was gone in a puff of smoke and I was left with the mess I'd accidentally made. I let out a huff and kept myself from shouting to the ceiling, which is what I figured he wanted me to do.

"Ahem."

I felt every muscle tense. Here I was surrounded by toys and an overturned crate. I chuckled nervously.

"Whoops?"

The horse that had entered the room was eyeing me with a frown on her face. She was all grey save for a red cross on her flank, a stethoscope around her neck, and a nurse's cap on her head. I gulped, and she advanced a step.

So, in an effort of self preservation, I took a step back.

She grinned, and chuckled softly.

"Relax, dear. Those toys have been through a lot worse! You must be..."

She looked down at a chart I'd only then noticed.

"Sammy Pie."

Stunned and taken aback by the changed surname, I did not respond. She gave me a friendly smile at any rate.

"I'm Nurse Ratched. And you, my dear, have a positively beautiful coat. Except..."

I found myself set on a gurney, and the big nurse began to do what I hated, but had expected- poking and prodding. Specifically the pale areas in my fur. Remember? I only blamed the Krauts about twenty five times.

"Given that you aren't on record, I think it would be smart to examine these spots."

I gulped.

"I just want to be sure that these marks aren't on your skin as well."

"What if they are?" I asked softly. She smiled mournfully at me.

"Well, first off, if the skin is okay, then it's just your fur being discolored and it's a simple fix of using dye. If it's down to your skin, then I'm afraid we'll need to take a sample to run some tests on."

I didn't like the sound of that. Nurse Ratched gave me a smile and a pat on the head. I fought back a growl.

"Relax dear. I'll cut back some fur on that arm of yours and we'll see from there. It won't hurt and shouldn't be too noticeable."

"Okay," I muttered. The Big Nurse patted my arm gently.

"Atta girl. I'll be right back."

Part of me wanted to flee while she was gone. I didn't want her messing with my fur!

Uh, also the skin sample thing sounded unpleasant. Yeah. Alas, she was back before I could make a move to escape, and I felt like if I did, Pinkie would be the one that would find me.

The rest of the session with her consisted of a bald spot in my fur, gloom in my body language, and what turned out to actually be a mark on my skin as well. Apparently my skin beneath the fur was dark, or at least it looked it compared to the skin where I'd been wounded. That patch was pale white.

"Oh dear," she muttered. "I won't lie to you little one. It's going to hurt."

I sighed, and nodded.

"Would you like me to get your mommy?"

I shook my head, then squinted and looked up at her.

"Who are you talking about?"

The Big Nurse blinked, then turned away.

"I'm going to get her for you. One moment."

When she left again, I thought more about my current predicament. I knew I'd signed an adoption form, but... I didn't really consider myself adopted, stupid as that sounds. It felt more like I was signing a paper to allow myself to live in peace and under a roof.

Needless to say, when Pinkie waltzed in on the heels of the nurse, I felt a bit embarrassed. I didn't consider this place my home. I certainly didn't consider Pinkie Pie my mother.

When she saw the fur on the gurney and the bald spot on my arm, she cringed. It was almost like she was the one about to be biopsied.

I gave her a small smile. Truth be told, I still felt happy to see her here with me.

She nearly knocked me off the gurney- she shot away from the nurse and enveloped me in a hug tight enough to crush a diamond. I have no idea how I survived.

"I just wanted to know why you were fainting! I'm so sorry!" she cried.

"Mmmt mmmnt mmmmn met mmnky," was all I managed to say through her fur.

"I know. It just sounds so scary though!" she said.

Wait, did she understand what I said? How? I couldn't even understand what I said!

Wait, why am I asking? It's Pinkie Pie.

The nurse finally separated me from the vice grip that was Pinkie Pie and explained what was to happen calmly to me. First off, she would take a sample of the overlying skin in question, and then would take a sample of the tissue beneath it. It was to be a fairly quick procedure, but also extremely painful to my sensitive skin. She would be doing whatever she could to limit the pain I ended up feeling.

Pinkie was told to do whatever she could to keep me calm throughout, which she translated to tell jokes that made little to zero sense to me.

There was no time like the present to start, so...

"What did the robot say to the centipede?"

I said nothing in response. All I managed to get out was a squeak. The nurse had given me an anaesthetic, but I didn't feel too different.

"No! Stop being a centipede!"

The nurse seemed to think it was funny. Pinkie sure did as well. It sailed right over my head. When she took notice, she tried to clarify.

"Get it? Because the robot doesn't have any arms. Trust me. I have a Master in Robotics."

"What do you not have a masters in?" I asked softly. Without missing a beat, she responded:

"Culinary Arts. I'm still working on that. Ooh, that reminds me, when we get back you and I have some, uhh... cupcakes to bake! Yeah..."

"I don't know how to- fuck me that hurts!"

Under normal circumstances, my skin was very calloused. I'd done so much work on cars and houses that my arms and hands were basically just lumps of dead skin.

Nowadays, it felt like I had the soft skin of a baby. It was due to my being a unicorn. Pegasi have much tougher skin. Even Earth ponies have stronger skin and coats than unicorns do, but we use our magic to protect ourselves.

Wait, how the hell did I know all that?

Pinkie immediately began to tell jokes at rapid pace, and whenever she saw my eyes wandering over to my arm, would get in my face with a nervous grin.

"Why did the chicken cross the road? No reason; the chicken is a simple minded animal and incapable of complex thought and reasoning. What's green and has wheels? Grass- I lied about the wheels. Hey, hey! Sammy! What's-"

"Pinkie, please be quiet!" I snapped. This place had felt so advanced to me while at the same time remaining primitive, though. I would have thought a biopsy would be painless. That was some lousy anesthetic.

All at once, it was over. The pain in my arm began to settle down to a dull roar, and I took a gasp of air. The demon nurse gave me a pat on the back.

"I'm so sorry. Did the anaesthetic not work?"

I was panting heavily as if I ran a mile and that was all the answer the nurse needed. She frowned.

"Unicorns are so unpredictable. One day it doesn't work and the next it sends you into a haze."

When I tried to look at my arm, Pinkie made me look at her again. She didn't seem too upset with my snapping at her a moment ago. It was like she didn't hear it in the first place.

"Hey. Two ponies are going bear hunting and they pass a sign that reads, "Bear left." So, they went home."

I swear there was a rimshot. I didn't smile, though. The big nurse wrapped my arm up in gauze and said she would be right back. Neither of us reacted.

"What did the olive say when it fell off the table?"

I blinked.

"Olive."

There was another rimshot. Finally, I spoke up.

"Are you doing that?"

She ignored me. "A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, 'What is that?' The frog replies, 'Would you believe he started out as a wart on my butt?'"

Rimshot.

"How are you doing that?" I asked. Moreover, I should have asked how she knew what man was, but I had a feeling the answer would have been "Pinkie Pie."

Now that I think about it, I had the answer to the whole rimshot thing too. At any rate, I did not crack a smile.

"Did you hear about the pony who got his left legs amputated?"

I was silent, but I felt my ears twitch around the room, waiting.

"He's alright now."

Rimshot. This time was different, though. I felt a smile start to pull at my lips. Fight it as I did, I still lost, and I ended up cracking a small smile.

So needless to say, she lost it. She grinned wildly and leapt into the air again, then began to hop back and forth in front of me while babbling about how she was going to keep me smiling throughout my fillyhood.

The mention of it was enough to make me stop smiling. Before either of us could say or do anything, though, Nurse Ratched was back with two tasty treats.

"I should probably have waited until after the examination was over, but I thought you deserved a treat for being brave," she said to me.

Pinkie looked like she was holding herself back from pouncing.

Then, the Nurse approached me once more with a few medical hoosits.

"Now, let's see about that fainting problem, shall we?"

The rest of the appointment came and went for me with a lot of uncomfortable questions, poking, and prodding. The nurse dismissed us after around forty minutes, saying she would have results within a few days.

The skies looked like they were about to open up as we walked back to Pinkie's house. My mind remained on my future, though, and my current existence.

Pinkie was nuts, but she was also one of the sweetest things I've ever met. I had to have at least a little good luck in me if I were to fall into her lap.

I still had no intention of calling her mom, though. I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet. Thankfully, she hadn't yet said anything about it, nor had she really said much about adopting me. Not just anyone adopts a random off the street. At least, not to my knowledge.

One question I had was why I felt so comfortable around her. That particular question was answered when I came back to reality. Pinkie was literally saying hello to everypony we passed, and they were all responding alike: "Hi, Pinkie." Who didn't she know? Was this all something to do with her masters degrees? I was sure she was bullshitting about all that.

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, Pinkie Pie is also one of the friendliest things you'd ever meet, and if you do meet her you're going to be friends with her by the end of the week. That's if she's a little slow, also.

When we finally returned back to the bakery, the first raindrops began to fall. She didn't see it, but I smiled up at her. Seeing a pink pony fumble with a house key while holding two lollipops in her mouth (I gave her mine) was kind of hilarious to me.

Finally the door was opened and she and I walked in. The curtains were pulled and it was very very dark in there.

Before either of us could say anything, lights came up and a familiar group softly said, "Surprise!"

The group contained a few unfamiliar faces to me, but mostly consisted of the ones I already knew. There weren't a whole ton of these ponies here, which suited me just fine. Even Rares was here. It felt like forever since I saw her!

The bakery had been done up while I was out with Pinkie. There were party favors everywhere, a food table that needed company from a hungry me, confetti on the floor and balloons everywhere. There was a somewhat worn banner overhead that read, "Welcome to Ponyville!"

The ponies I recognized were smiling gently at me, and Pinkie was eyeing me with a hopeful expression.

So, of course my first question was, "What the hell?"

Either the thought of a small child using that phrase was not unheard of here, or nobody knew what it meant. Pinkie, seeing that my reaction wasn't as extreme as the first attempt at surprising me, grinned, and squealed in happiness.

"I didn't scare you this time! Yay! Uhh, I didn't, did I?"

I blinked. "Wait, you set this up too?"

She nodded, that grin never leaving her face. "Yepperonies!"

"That's- I appreciate it, Pinkie, but you already threw me a party. You didn't have to again!"

She shook her head, and gave a shudder, as if the thought of no partying was poison to her.

"No, that was a 'Congratulations on being adopted or sent to an orphanage' party. This is the 'Welcome to Ponyville' party. There's a difference!"

I blinked, and she put a hoof to her eyes, then proceeded to bounce around the room pointing out streamers of slightly varying colors, a punch stand set precisely 17 degrees to the left of a cake as opposed to 17.9, and I swear she may as well have told me the secret to life itself, because all of it went over my head.

Additionally, she swore that the others were just told to be here for the surprise part and she had been the one who set everything up. I am not sure if I should believe her or not, because on one hoof, that meant she did all the prep work while we were at the doctor, which meant she was in two places at once, and on the other hoof, she's Pinkie Pie, so there.

Apparently a Pinkie Party is much more complex than you might think. I was amazed she didn't have a single gray hair- I got my first in boot camp! Sasquatch pointed it out.

She proceeded to go on about the intricacies of her party, and I found that I could do no more than smile at her antics. All I know is when she was done, she stood in front of me with a hoof out.

"So?" she asked with a grin.

I looked at my own hoof, then the ponies at the party with me. They were all smiling gently, as if willing me to take her hoof.

Uneasily, I looked to her again, and put mine in hers. A cheer erupted.

"The party begins now," I said.

End of Chapter

Taking the A Train

View Online

"If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scenes, they'll find the streets are guarded by United States Marines."

-Unknown

I was only on a train once before, and that was when I was being transported to what would be the final place I ever saw on Earth. I was squished between Sasquatch and some doofy guy that bunked above me who everyone called Gomer Pyle for some reason.

A desire of mine when I was small was to have a fight on the top of a train, but eventually I decided to settle for just looking out the window of one while I rode.

Needless to say, when I was told we would be taking a 45 minute train ride to our barracks, I was excited. Ultimately, however, I was stuck between two sweaty dudes with no view of the window. Part of Private Pyle was on my knee, and I didn't know if it was a part I could push off or not.

That was then, however.

When I awoke the next morning, my head was aching and the sun was shining. I had no idea what time it was. The party had gone on until 11 that night.

But what fun I had! It felt new to me. I don't remember laughing or enjoying myself ever since I got here. It was a nice change of pace to be able to smile and feel good.

I initially kept to myself for a while during, but be it Pinkie's influence or something in the punch, I found myself mingling with the others as well, especially a trio that referred to themselves as (words withheld) Crusaders. I recognized one of them as Rarity's sister, Sweetie Belle. The others were apparently Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, which were the biological and adopted sisters of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, respectively.

I could see the relation between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, but... Scootaloo seemed kind of odd to me. She was wearing a helmet when I first saw her, which made me think she was like Stevie until I found out she owned a scooter and had only just arrived before I did. I came this close to giving her that "I'm-Sorry-You're-Slow" wave.

Scootaloo spent a lot of time with her other two friends, but also a healthy amount of it with Dash- she told me she was under her care as she was orphaned. They all invited me to hang out at a clubhouse of theirs one day after school, which begged the question: Was I going to be sent to school?

I probably shouldn't have asked Pinkie while she was having an apple bobbing contest with Applejack, because she told me that I was absolutely the cooliest and not to let Rainbow Dash tell me otherwise.

As it turned out, I would end up being sent to school, but first we needed paperwork.

The rest of the party came and went as a blur of simple games and chattering. When I was finally sent to bed, it was very late and I was exhausted and full of tasty cake.

My current lodging has been doing me good, it seemed. My mane was no longer absolutely disgusting, nor was my fur. I actually felt pretty okay. The spot on my arm where the nurse prodded me still ached a bit, but I had a clean feeling about me; the feeling you get when you're well taken care of. In addition, I noted a bit of a spring to my step of late, which was very absent when I first got here.

Also whenever I took a bath, the water didn't end up looking like coffee when I was done like the first time. I felt so guilty because of it and insisted I clean the tub for them, which I did.

I felt a smile pull at my face again. During basic training, I was made to clean the latrines so often that even my drill instructor would admit with begrudging respect that my cleaning job was impressive. He didn't phrase it that way, though.

He said, "Private Pie, you did a fine job on that toilet. I'll bet the Virgin Mary herself would be honored to take a dump in it."

Well, not Private Pie. Private... Private, uhh...

...Well, there goes the smile. What was my last name?

Oh, right! Stone. Sammy Stone. Still, though it had returned to me, my anxiety was not quelled.

"Why am I losing my memory?" I whispered to myself.

I had no time to dwell on my advancing amnesia. Pinkie shot up from the foot of my bed and made a funny face while babbling at me, and if she was trying to get me to squeak and fall backwards out of the bed, she succeeded.

The thing was, she also caught me. I felt like I could have lived with her my whole life up to that point and still would not be used to her antics. I have no idea how she even got in the room without my noticing- the door was shut all night and I didn't see or hear it open since I woke up.

Pinkie's giggles echoed through the still fairly empty room- save for a dresser, closet, mirror and bed, there was nothing. Not that I was ungrateful for my lodging! It's just an observation.

"I couldn't resist! Sorry!" she laughed. I felt a smile creep onto my lips and chuckled as well, albeit still sleepily.

"You got me alright," I said. "How are you, Pink Menace?"

Again she completely ignored my nickname for her, as if I'd said nothing out of the ordinary.

"I'm great! No, better than great! Super great! Super duper, even! I hadn't slept so good since I got my Masters in Astrophysics! That one was a doozy. How did you sleep?"

I smiled at her as I got to my feet.

"I slept like a log," I said. "A log with a belly full of cake."

She grinned. "Wasn't it yummerlicious? I knew you weren't allergic to gluten!"

"Thank you again," I said. "I had fun last night."

Pinkie looked like she was so happy she was about to burst into a cake and confetti strewn mess in this room- my room.

She surprised me though. She didn't end up actually exploding, and also she didn't scream. Instead, she whispered, "Yay!"

With that, she led me to the door. "C'mon! Brush your teeth and meet me downstairs for breakfast. We have a big day today too!"

Then, she suddenly frowned. "And we need to talk about your memory loss, missy. Don't think I didn't hear that!"

I blinked. "What memory loss?" I asked. She reared up and away from me.

"It's getting worse! Sammy! Sammy, it's me. Pinkie. Piiiiiinkie. You are Sammy. Saaaaaaooh, you're kidding, aren't you?"

I nodded with a giggle, which Pinkie joined in on. "Alright, you got me back! But that just means war!" she warned. I gave a nod.

"I'm no stranger to such things," I said to her. She figured I meant prank wars but I knew well what I was really saying.

I did as I was asked and wandered into the bathroom to brush my teeth, pushing a small stool out from under the sink so I could see my reflection in the mirror. I'd been given a blue toothbrush that had a caricature of a pony I did not know on it with the phrase "Daring Do."

I mean, I remembered the name from some of the books at the doctor, but I didn't read them. They wouldn't have been my first choice, anyway. I swear I saw a book called The Bible II. Or was it The Bridle II?

I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride bubble up within myself. I'd improved enough with my magic that I was able to hold my toothbrush with it. Though I was very shaky, it was progress for me. My running and walking issues were all but resolved. I was really getting used to this body!

I felt a cold weight drop in my stomach as I pondered. I really was getting used to this body, wasn't I? What did that mean for the human body- my human body? Suppose I turned back tomorrow. Would I remember how to walk on two legs? Would I remember how to use hands? How would it feel to not have magic?

Moreover, did I really want to know? I was so bad with magic that I didn't even consider myself a novice at it, but even I knew how important and helpful it was here.

When I finished brushing I gave the filly in the mirror a long stare. I scowled.

"I really don't like you," I said to my reflection.

It felt like something within me wilted, like I'd disappointed someone and knew it. I could feel a growl preparing to rumble in my throat, and I lept from the stool, nudging it under the sink again.

Even the toothpaste tasted like a pastry. Have I mentioned that this place was weird?

Breakfast was eaten in silence between us all. For the Cakes, it was due to their alternating between a few bites of some pancakes and sips of coffee and sprucing up the place before they opened. Pinkie was too busy wolfing down 25 pancakes- I counted. I was just feeling awkward and trying to eat and be invisible at the same time. Can unicorns do that?

I felt very awkward and out of place at Sugarcube Corner for several months. I made it a point to always keep myself occupied, and out of the place as much as possible once everything had settled down. If I wasn't seeing the (words withheld) Crusaders, I was doing some errands for Rarity or being taught something I didn't want to be taught by Twilight Sparkle.

I hated having idle hooves at Sugarcube Corner. It still felt like Pinkie's place to me rather than my own. What I'm saying is, I didn't like to do anything with my leisure time there because I felt really uncomfortable.

The Cakes seemed to understand my trepidation, but Pinkie did not. She thought I was just avoiding the place because I didn't like them or something. Fortunately for me, it was a matter of explaining my real issue to fix things. Pinkie can be quick to jump to conclusions, but even if you wrong her, she's one of the easiest ponies in the world to apologize to.

As bubbly as she was, she knew when to get serious too. She would be there whenever anypony needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, or even a friendly ear for a chat.

When I say anypony, I mean anypony. Even the ones on the very brief list that she was not friends with. I admit I grew to love her in time.

I felt a poke on my arm and I looked up from my pancakes. Now that I had the basics of my horn unlocked, eating was not such a messy experience anymore.

"Yes'm?" I asked. Mrs. Cake gave me a smile.

"What manners! I think you'll make a great impression at the palace if you keep that up, dear."

I blinked. My Dad always told me that if he didn't say it when he was a kid, the next thing he heard was a belt buckle clearing belt loops. Take it from somepony with experience, too: You'd better hope he clears it on the first try.

"Aww, I wanted to tell her!" said Pinkie through a mouthful of waffle. Yes, waffle. She finished her pancakes and had moved on up.

"Sorry, Pinkie. I'm sure you have a few other surprises in that mane of yours, though!"

I glanced at the Pink Menace, then back at Mrs. Cake. This was about the palace? It wasn't exactly a secret that I was to go there.

"Was that all, ma'am?" I asked. She shook her head.

"I meant to ask if you'd like some orange juice dear. Surely the water must be boring!"

I gave a shy smile. Orange juice was one of my favorite drinks back home.

"I think I would like that very much, ma'am. Thank you."

She gave me a pat on the back.

"I'll be right back with a glass."

I heard a hiccup come from the Pink Menace, and looked to her again. Her plate was spotless. How was she not obese? Yeah, she was kind of chubby, but given how much she can eat, I was stunned she wasn't the size of the bakery itself. Only one thing can possibly move faster than light, and that is Pinkie Pie's metabolism. Where was she putting all that food?

She gave her full belly a satisfied smack, and eyed me curiously. "What? I was hungry!"

"Do you have a hollow leg?" I asked her.

She only blinked, then shook her head. "No, my legs aren't hollow."

Her eyes widened. "Are they?! What if they really are? Then I'll be a big ol' pink hollow leggipants!"

I giggled softly. Mrs. Cake returned with a glass of the orange delight, and I gave her my thanks.

The rest of breakfast consisted of me nibbling at my pancakes and sipping my orange juice while trying to convince Pinkie there was nothing to worry about and that her legs were not hollow.

Then, we were out the door. I offered to wash the dishes, but Pinkie ushered me outside.

"No time for that! We have to get to Rarity's to pick up your dress and then get to the train station!"

I froze. "Train station?" I echoed. She nodded while she walked- how long had I been on her back now?

"Yepperoni! The ride should only be an hour or so. No need to get my own train cars attached for that."

I blinked. "What are you talking about?"

She grinned over her shoulder at me.

"We're going to the palace, silly filly! Remember? Boring paperwork, discussions, and really tasty hors d'oeuvres?"

I felt my blood run cold. "That's today? I thought you meant tomorrow or something!"

"Nope! Today is the day!"

Not good. I barely had the time to do up my mane or anything. I didn't even have a bath yet!

Pinkie seemed to have an idea of what was causing me distress, because she reassurred me that the train we were using, the Excess Express, came complete with standard seats, a dining car, personal quarters for longer trips which included bathtubs and showers, and I swear she said there was car for roller blading.

She also told me that she got us a personal room just for the hour long trip so I could bathe and get myself ready.

Needless to say, I felt very guilty.

"Pinkie, that couldn't be cheap. You didn't have to do that. I could just go back and bathe quickly."

She shook her head. "Nope! Already have the room key. Don't feel bad, Sammy. The tickets were only 1,000 Bits! They were on sale."

I stared incredulously at her. "Only 1,000? That's a sale?"

She grinned at me again while we walked into the Botique.

"Great deal! They usually go for around 4,000 a pop! Hey, why do we say a pop, anyway? Shouldn't it be a ticket? That doesn't sound gramatically correct to me, though."

I said nothing back, even as we approached Rarity. Pinkie Pie calls home a cozy little bakery that is well to do, but not so much that I could see one grand as being anything other than a substantial amount of money. Granted, I'd gone from the roaring twenties to no monies in my time, but still...

When I realized I was being spoken to by Rarity herself, I apologized for my stupor. My constant distractions would conspire against me, though, and I would be made to speak to Twilight Sparkle about what troubled me. I'll get to that, though.

Rarity wanted to pull me aside for a quick chat, and she assurred me I was not in trouble. Pinkie happily waited by the door with my dress on a hanger.

"Now that you've been with her for a few days, I need to know something."

I blinked, but said nothing yet.

"What do you know about Pinkie?" she asked me. I looked over my shoulder at her to see her grinning at me and waving.

"I- Well, she- See, she found me- I..."

I took a breath and looked at Rarity.

"She's Pinkie Pie."

"That's all?"

I was about to nod, but I spoke more. "She's got a few master degrees."

Rarity gave a chuckle. "A few? That's the understatement of the century. What I mean is, what do you know about her family?"

I shrugged to the best of my ability. "Not much."

Rarity pulled me closer, as if she were going to tell me a secret of great importance.

"Pinkie Pie is very kind. She loves to help her friends and make them smile and laugh. Having said that, it's possible for some unscrupulous sorts to take advantage of her good nature."

She took a breath. "Pinkie's always very bubbly and kind. Especially now that she's off the rock farm."

I started to feel pressure, as well as a feeling of understanding. I felt my head tilt.

"Hold on, rock farm?"

Rarity ignored me and continued.

"I just want to be sure you're not the sort to take advantage of my friend. I would hate to see her upset."

I shook my head. "Never."

She gave me a hard stare. "Pinkie Promise?"

I blinked. "Uhh, what?"

Rarity gave me a false smile. "Come now, Pinkie Promise me that you won't hurt her."

I looked her over, as if searching for some way to tell that she was making a joke. She was quite serious.

"Uhh, I Pinkie Promise."

She chuckled. "Do as I do and repeat after me, okay?"

She held a hoof up to her chest. "Cross my heart, hope to fly..."

I mimicked her as requested. She then moved her hoof to her eye.

"Stick a cupcake in my eye."

...

I thought she was just trying to make me be cute at first, but again I saw that she was being serious and I owed her more than a favor, so I went ahead and recited the most nauseatingly saccharine statement I'd then heard in my 6 years of life. Apparently it defused whatever was ticking in Rarity, because she smiled.

"There. Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise. Let's just say your luck may turn terrible if you did. A broken Pinkie Promise is the fastest way to lost a friend."

"Forever."

I looked over my shoulder at the Pink Menace. She was not facing us and did not seem to know what we were talking about, but I still swear I heard her voice. I felt more than a little weirded out by what just happened, so I wanted to change the subject to literally anything else.

So, of course, I said:

"Hey Pinkie, what's a rock farm?"

I was tired of hearing people coo and aww in passing on the train, but I suppose I was bringing it upon myself.

I never had my chance to watch the world go whizzing by from a train. Not without a big sweaty dude with a beard in the way, at least.

I'm not sure why he had a beard. They were the first things to be shaved off in boot camp. The rumor was that a few people did attempt to shave it off, but it kept coming back as soon as they tried. Eventually they just gave up.

I digress. The point is I, this red unicorn filly was beside the Pink Menace with my front hooves on the window, my eyes tracing everything as we whizzed past. I was trying my best to keep it from my face, but it's not easy to hide a sense of wonder if you're doing something you wanted to do for the better part of your life, even something as simple as admiring scenery from a train.

I could see Pinkie's reflection in the window as well, and her grin was making my lips fight a losing battle. I felt myself beginning to smile as well.

Funny, that seemed to happen a lot around her.

She shot toward me and put a hoof on the glass next to my face.

"Look! Look! Looklooklook!!!"

I blinked, and looked where she was pointing. Forest.

"What am I looking at?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Don't you see? My sister grew those boulders!"

I squinted my eyes, and saw three boulders sitting by one of the trees. I felt my eyes droop. You see, Pinkie explained that a rock farm was exactly as it sounded: they grew rocks there.

I'm not making this up. They have a special method of growing rocks as if they were crops, which has to be exactly as boring as my description of it was.

Still, she credited the farm for her own rearing, so while I don't like the thought of working with rocks, I had to give them credit for bringing up this mixed bag of nuts.

Oh, were you hoping I'd go into how she just happened to know where three of her sister's boulders would be? Sure: Because Pinkie Pie.

"Cool, huh? She loves rocks. She can tell you all about them! I have to introduce you one day!"

I gave a nervous chuckle. "That, uhh... That sounds fun."

It actually sounded like the anti-fun to me, but...

"Yay! Ooh, but first things first: You should take your bath!"

I frowned, and eyed the window again.

"Come on. I know somepony that really wanted a bath before getting to the palace!"

She had me there. I got out of the seat and walked with her to the private quarters, though not without sparing another look at the window.

"Attention all passengers," came a voice over an intercom. I jolted in the water. Uh oh...

"We will be arriving in Canterlot in five minutes. Those who are disembarking, please prepare to do so now. We thank you for riding the Excess Express and hope to shatter you financially again soon."

Pinkie flew into the bathroom with my dress, and she looked positively frenzied.

"Gotta go! C'mon! Dry yourself off and let's get you dressed!"

How did I lose track of the time like that? Stupid filly.

I found myself wrestling my way into the dress while Pinkie tried to dry my mane. She was babbling on and on about how much I was going to love the palace, and at the same time was giving me a lecture on paying more attention to the time.

I didn't bother pointing out that she was napping on the bed while I bathed and only just woke up herself. Instead, I focused on preparing myself. I could feel anxiety blossoming within my heart. What was to be expected from a visit to a palace but such emotions? Especially for one like me who was fairly rough around the edges.

It turned out we weren't the only ones who lost track of the time, so I felt a little bit better. When we got to the door, the train had reached a standstill. I recall seeing an officer fall over on my first train ride because he was standing when it stopped. Were all trains here so gentle on their deceleration?

Even the ones in front of us looked disheveled, like the announcement had come too soon for them. One was still dripping from what I hoped was a shower, I saw a stallion standing next to a mare panting heavily with a mussed up mane, and I swear one of them was wearing roller blades and trying to pull them off and balance a few suitcases at the same time.

Finally, the doors opened, and the passengers before us flooded out like the Gates of Hell had opened. Some ran to a few ponies waiting nearby; others to another train terminal. I looked up at Pinkie, and she smiled excitedly at me.

"I love it here," she said. "Canterlot is where I got my Master in Analytical Psychology."

I blinked.

"Pinkie! C'mon already! Appointment, remember?"

I looked up to see Rainbow Dash's head poking over the side of a cloud.

"Twilight's been stalling for you. Or as Rutger Hauer calls it, shtalling."

I looked over my shoulder, and let out an unconscious "Eep!"

A minature version of that annoying prick Discord was standing on my back. I quickly shook him off. Before he touched the ground, he was back at his full size.

"Why?" I asked. Discord reached an arm up and seemed to grip one of the clouds, even though he was well below it. He took a chunk of cloud and bit into it.

I swear to God.

"Because he's Dutch," said Discord. I felt my ears flatten on my head.

"No, I mean why were you- have you never heard of personal space?"

"Is that a band?" asked Pinkie. I put a hoof to my eyes.

"We weren't that late. Were we?" I asked.

"Duh! You were due for boring paperwork in Princess Celestia's palace! Everypony knows 15 minutes early is 10 minutes late!"

I glanced up at Dash, then at Pinkie, who- she had the look. Pupils shrunk down, her normally poofy mane drooped, and she was vibrating in place such that I feared her drilling through the dirt.

"We're late!!!!!" she shrieked. She gripped me by the scruff of my neck and took off. Here we go.

I managed to look over my shoulder enough that I could see Rainbow laughing hysterically on her back, and Discord waving us off like we were long lost relatives.

It turned out we weren't late. Dash and Discord only said that to screw with us. I don't even think Twilight was there. I later found out both were big on tricks, as too was the Pink Menace. I made it my mission to get them both back one day, but every time I tried, I failed. Dash simply found ways to detect what I had planned and would just go around it, then tell me I had to do better than that, squirt.

Discord would actually fall for my pranks every time, except every time he fell for them they backfired and left him completely okay and me the victim of my own tricks.

The only one who seemed to have a way of tricking Dash and Discord was Pinkie. It was kind of embarrassing to me. You see, back home I prided myself on quite a few pranks. For example:

The town I lived in was a small hamlet just under a large cliff face. Atop the cliff was a dense wooded area. Some of the trees actually had a few branches overlooking the cliff, which meant someone with balls of steel could set up a tire swing. Or, in our case, someone with a few mental issues.

Not my brother. Everyone called him "Mad" Jack. The problem was his name wasn't actually Jack. Come to think of it, I don't know what his real name was.

Suffice it to say, he was crazy. So, when we dared him to set up a tire swing on a branch overlooking the neighborhood, he just sorta said, "Hold my beer."

So, he set us up this tire swing, and it worked like a charm. Eventually, I and this group of my friends were bored, so we looked to a friend of mine named Dave, and decided to play a little prank on his mom. Nobody liked her anyway.

We made a dummy, and we dressed it in some of Dave's clothes, and we stuck it on the tire swing. It was around midday and his mom was putting some laundry up to dry in the back yard. We push the dummy over the edge of the cliff, and shouted, "Davey, look out!!!" His mom looked up just in time to see the dummy tumble over the side of the cliff.

She just passed out.

Who was the mastermind behind it? This girl- uhh, guy! But try as I might, I was still never able to pull a successful prank on anyone here.

I really did have some learning to do, didn't I?

We did owe them both a word of thanks, considering by forcing us to show up extra early as opposed to just plain early, we were also granted a place to sit. I was later told that the crowd waiting for anything involving paperwork or medical procedures often quickly filled any seats available, and ponies were left standing until a seat was either freed, they were called, or they died a natural death.

I'll admit it was good I was being carried through the place, because I would have either gotten lost or just been wandering aimlessly. The architecture here was amazing. The ceiling was well overhead; I could swear it went higher than the clouds at its pinnacle. Stained glass windows told tales throughout the place and a few clear windows allowed the golden light of the sun to peer in. In the main hall, I could see a large red carpet leading up a set of steps, and I saw two thrones atop the steps. Both were vacant, but the room itself sure wasn't. I'd never seen so many horses in one place before.

I felt Pinkie's front legs buckle and I feared being too heavy for her, but it quickly became apparent she was bowing to the empty thrones. Me, still being clenched in her jaws, could do nothing of the sort. Not that I was sure I wanted to anyway.

Without another word we continued through a labyrinth of halls, twists, turns and curves. Funny enough, I saw no signs instructing who to go where. I had to assume Pinkie just knew where to go. Maybe she had a map she studied while I was gazing out the window? I don't know.

The remainder of the trip seemed to blend together for me, because I blinked, and I was seated next to her in a waiting room. She had her eyes closed and she was humming to herself. There were only a few others in the waiting room with us at the time.

Before me I saw a chest full of toys again, and I eyed my horn. I didn't want to throw anything around or have a visit from what's-his-face again, so I was content trying to keep myself frozen to the spot.

I eyed a desk not far from us, where a stallion wearing some formalwear was sitting. He was busying himself with some paperwork, and once he saw me looking at him he gave a huff and left the room.

I blinked. Was it something I said?

"Pi."

My ears perked up and I looked to the source of the voice, which was another stallion in a brown coat with a set of wings on his back. I could not see his flank, because he was wearing a white doctor's coat.

I looked over my shoulder at Pinkie, who had not moved even a little. I made a move to get up.

"Not us, Sammy."

I blinked. "He said Pie."

"Pi," he called again, as if to accentuate my point. She shook her head without even opening her eyes.

"Not us," she simply repeated. Before I could turn to the doctor again, however, another young colt dressed to the nines had leapt from a chair and walked towards the doctor. He kept his nose up high like he knew he was shining like a new penny.

I rested back against the chair, and looked to Pinkie.

"How?"

Without opening her eyes, she pointed to her tail, which was twitching, then her right ear, which looked like it was dancing.

"When the tail is a twitchin' and right ear a flickin', somepony nearby has something in common with you," she said as if it were a sufficient answer.

It wasn't. How'd she figure it was the sur- right, this is Pinkie we're talking about.

Suddenly, her eyes shot open and she grinned wildly at me. "Ooh! Whatcha wanna do for Nightmare Night, anyway? You never told me what you wanted to go as!"

Ah, yes. That. I gave her a small smile. "And you never told me who Nightmare was, anyway."

She gasped. "That's right, I forgot! You see, Nightmare Moon was a mean meanipants that possessed Princess Luna and tried to bring about eternal night, but Princess Celestia sent her to the moon so she could think about what she did. Only it didn't work! Because she came back and the others and I all had to work together to send her back."

I blinked. "Princess Luna's a demon?"

There was a gasp from a few of the ponies around me, including Pinkie. The latter, however, gave me a frown and pointed a hoof at me.

"No! Bad Sammy! No, Princess Luna is really nice. Nightmare Moon is something else."

I blinked. Did she just chastise me as if I were a pet? Or was that just Pinkie being Pinkie? I wasn't sure if I should be angry or confused, so I settled on confused. It seemed to be my go to while I was here, anyway.

"So, Nightmare Moon is...?"

"She's the demon that possessed Princess Luna and tried to take over Equestria, now stop talking about her before she hears you and comes back!" snapped the stallion at the desk- oh, when'd he get back?

I blinked. Pinkie frowned.

"So, what does she have to do with Halloween?" I asked.

"We get dressed up so we aren't recognized as ponies, and we gather candy from everypony we can to offer so she doesn't gobble us up!"

"Do you poison the candy first?" I asked.

Pinkie shook her head.

"Add razor blades?"

She shook her head.

"Use the opportunity to ambush her?"

She shook her head. I sighed.

"Then I don't get it. It's almost like you're rewarding this meat sack for being trouble. My advice? Shoot her."

"Ms. Pie, if you don't get that one to clam up, you're both going to have to wait outside."

I shot a glare at the stallion at the desk, and before I could retort, Pinkie wrapped one forearm around my stomach and the other over my mouth. Just in time, too, becaue I was ready to go off on him.

"No need for that! Promise!"

I saw a nervous grin on her face, and she looked down to me.

"Right, Sammy?" she asked through clenched teeth.

I shot a glare up at the Pink Menace, but sighed and gave a nod.

"Apologize to Mr. Funnybutt at the desk," she said, and she removed her arm from my mouth.

"Yes'm. Sorry, sir. Just... frustrating to think about demons."

I wasn't really sorry, but there was no sense in getting Pinkie kicked out of the waiting room because I was too stubborn for my own good.

I ended up telling her that I wasn't sure I wanted to go as anything, which she translated to, "It's a matter of utmost secrecy."

When we were finally called in by a doctor, we'd been waiting for what felt like an eternity. Really, it had only been around twenty minutes. The doctor that was seeing to me received a few reports from my last appointment, but I still needed some blood work done, my eyes examined as well as my ears, and even my magic measured.

My eyes were what needed to be checked first, which brings me to the first trial, as I called it. You see, the optometrist was wearing enormous eyeglasses, which isn't an issue in and of itself. The problem lied in the fact that he turned out to be the blindest optometrist I'd ever seen in my life or afterlife. He actually walked into a wall. His name was Eagle Eye.

"Okay, now I need you to read the letters that I point to on this chart. Cover your left eye for me, dear," he said.

Pinkie refused to leave the room this time, because last time, I needed to have a biopsy. I did as was asked, and Pinkie smiled and did the same.

"Are- Are you doing it?" he asked.

Pinkie giggled. At least somepony thought it was funny.

"Yes, sir," I grumbled.

"Good. Now, I'm going to point to a few lines of letters. I want you to recite them as well as you can for me, Sammy."

I didn't say anything back. He pointed in the general direction of the letter chart, except he wasn't pointing to any lines.

"What's that say?" he asked.

"Umm..."

"You're not pointing at anything," Pinkie said plainly. Eagle Eye actually sputtered. For a second I thought he was messing with us.

It turns out he really wasn't. I have no idea how this guy even had a license. Then again, I didn't actually see one, so maybe...

"How's this?" he asked, and he lowered his arm a bit more, at which point Pinkie hopped over to him, and ushered him next to me.

"Cover your left eye too. Trust me. I have a Masters in Optometry."

Both of us ended up getting our eyes checked by Pinkie, which was a horrifying thing for sure. She kept talking about how scary the thought of her having to sneeze must be for us while she was prodding our eyes.

To demonstrate, she pretended to have to sneeze. In keeping with the various contradictions that Pinkie embodies, I'm just going to say that she's extremely bright, but also quite dull. The way I saw things, I had the choice of a doctor that couldn't see two feet in front of him, or Pinkie Pie. I decided she was less dangerous.

She began asking us both questions and using the instruments in the room with us. I remember specifically she had me sit behind this weird machine and rest my chin on a little nook in it. She put this ring on my horn, and instantly, I felt something odd.

The horn doesn't have any nerve endings in it, so it's not something you can feel under normal circumstances. When the ring was set on it though, I could feel a pressure beginning to build. It was not painful, but it was noticeable.

"Magic suppression ring," said Pinkie with an nervous grin. "I don't want you turning me into anything old or decrepit."

I blinked. I could do that?

Before I could question her, she began examining my eyes and even poked at and prodded at them gently with some of the instruments. I've always hated eye doctors.

When we were finished, Pinkie told me my eyes were perfectly healthy from what she could tell off the bat, but then she gave Eagle Eye the not so shocking news that he might not be cut out for this profession. Then, being the polite mess of pink and menace that she was, she offered him a job at Sugarcube Corner.

I later learned that Pinkie owned the building, but the Cakes ran the business. Apparently she owns the better part of Ponyville, but that's a story for another day.

Eagle Eye ultimately turned her down for the job offer, and shooed us out of the room to another room, where I was supposed to get some blood work done among a few other tests.

I wasn't even permitted to use the bathroom, considering I might be asked for a urine sample somewhere during my appointments too. I really, really had to go too!

Pinkie was again sitting and humming with her eyes closed, as if she wasn't the one that ended up doing my eye exam for me. I had so many questions, and none at the same time. I just wanted to shut my eyes and be done with everything. I just wanted to rest.

I bowed my head slightly and shut my eyes with a sigh. This pressure was really getting to me.

I opened my eyes again as realization began to wash over me.

"Pinkie?"

She flicked her ears at me.

"You remembered to take off the magic suppressor thingy, right?"

She gasped and her eyes shot open. "Whoopsie!"

I swear, when she pulled it from my horn everything seemed to become more vibrant and full of color. I could feel the relief wash over me, and I even felt my mental exhaustion with everything fade.

I later found out that a unicorn's magic is a lot like blood- you can stem an extremity for medical examination or an injection or whatever, but if you keep starving any portion of the body of blood... well, a similar thing happens to unicorns when you suppress our horns- we feel sluggish and just less with it.

If a unicorn is magic-starved for too long, there is a chance that they will actually lose their horns and become earth ponies.

I wish I could say that these were facts I learned over my time here, but I just knew. My life before all this started was rapidly fleeing from me, as if it were a distant dream.

I had been waging war with myself since I got here, or so it felt. Everything about myself was a battle. My name, my gender, my age, my species, my family, my friends, my past- everything.

With each passing day I felt that I was losing these fights. I won't insult your intelligence by spelling out each and every thing I've done pointing to the loss of who I am, but it was a real threat to me, and absolutely terrifying.

It was all something that I felt alone in facing, too. I may have remembered my mother's name, for instance, but I could no longer remember what she looked like. As for my father, I could remember neither his name or his face. Friends? I knew I had few, but I remembered nopony among them save for Mad Jack and Dave.

I still knew Stevie very well, though. I could remember everything about him from his dark brown hair to his massive frame- the guy was about 7 feet tall and save for the top of his head he had not a hair on his body.

I resolved while we waited for my next doctor, then, that I would never forget my brother. He was the one thing I swore to myself I would always remember.

My next doctor walked into the room after only around ten minutes, a fact which my bladder was immensely grateful for. Everything about him seemed fairly normal. My checkup was fairly routine- he checked my hearing without fuss (Perfect score- suck it, tinnitus!). I was permitted to use the bathroom but had to bring back a sample with me, so I apologize for that information, but you've got it in your brain cells now so you're stuck with it.

Everything was fairly normal up until the bloodwork. Apparently this guy's nickname among his collegues was "Queasy" because he was, well, a queasy doctor. The sight of blood was enough to trigger him.

He'd trimmed back some of my fur on the same arm I got the skin tested, and cleaned the skin with some alcohol, and that's about as far as he got.

I figured something was up when I saw him inching a syringe towards me while whimpering, "Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up..."

So being the sweet girl I was, I said, "I'm not gonna throw up."

He goes, "I'm not talking to you!"

All I felt was a slight pinch and I inadvertantly groaned, but more so in surprise than anything else. It was enough for him, though. He fainted.

So Pinkie ended up muttering something about having a masters in that, and then she took my blood for him, and then helped herself to four lollipops and offered me one which I again turned down. I still maintain that Pinkie should have been hired on as a doctor here, and that in and of itself scares me.

My final appointment of the day was in a small lab with a few machines dotted around, and I found myself doing all I could to keep from looking too blown away or intimidated. It almost looked like some kind of weird torture chamber.

The doctor, a dorky stallion by the name of Book Worm (I swear to God), was the closest to normal I had so far of all the doctors in this palace. The only problem was, he had a fear of magic. So, of course he was going to be measuring my magic.

He actually did, too. The Pink Menace didn't have to do anything. The problem was, he felt he had to completely cover himself in medical scrubs first.

I could understand him doing that if it was a surgery he was going to do, but this was a magic scan we were talking about:

Step 1- Scan the pony

There is no step 2.

All he had to do was put a strap around my horn, and then push a button on a machine.

I swear, I've been bathing every day since I got taken in, and Pinkie always smells amazing, so I knew it wasn't how I smelled scaring them away. What was with the doctors here?

The scan ultimately took a few minutes, and I was told that I had a perfectly normal level of magic. As soon as we were squared away, we were shooed out of the medical area, and not a moment too soon- the line had formed while we were in there, and so we were back to the labyrinth, which meant I should have probably been paying attention.

I swear, it was like I blinked, and then I was alone. I remember there was a place in the world I came from with monstrous catacombs filled with skeletons of the long dead. A few have died in them after getting lost.

It's the darndest thing, but I can't remember the name of the city hosting the catacombs.

That wasn't the point, though- My issue lied in the fact that I really didn't want to be a victim of this palace, much as those few did not wish to be the victims of the catacombs.

When I finally noticed that Pinkie was being much more quiet than usual, it was too late- she was nowhere to be found. Come to think of it, I saw no signs of anyone. The halls were gothic in design, which only made the place that much creepier. Especially in the darker corners.

My first move was to turn around and try to retrace my steps, but Pinkie honestly seemed to have vanished. I wish I could say it was unlike her, but... Pinkie.

I was lost for what felt like ages, but was really just a few minutes before I bumped into somepony.

If I'm being specific, it was a large alicorn of white with a flowing mane. She was flanked by two guards, who then leapt in front of her and took a protective stance.

"Identify yourself, intruder!" demanded one.

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Did I stutter?" he continued. I scowled. He sounded an awful lot like Corporal Prick. Come to think of it...

"Identify yourself!" he shouted.

"Private Sammy Stone," I responded. "9th Infantry."

What? I honestly thought he might actually be CP. If this happened to me, whose to say it didn't happen to my other comrades later on?

Turned out I was wrong. Instead of a flash of recognition in his eyes, they betrayed amusement. Even the mighty white alicorn between them eyed me with a smile.

"She thinks she's in the guard," whispered the other. "Should we play along?"

I sighed. "I can hear you."

"Fine hearing," remarked the other. "What are you doing in these hallowed halls? Are you aware who you bumped into?"

I blinked. She did look familiar to me. Almost like the one I kept seeing in my dreams, Luna.

"Shall I give you a hint?" asked the alicorn. She turned about such that I could see the sun on her flank- oooohhhhhhhh.

Remember how I said I wasn't sure I wanted to bow anyway? I didn't at that point, because I let out a squeak and scrambled to a bow, then decided the bow wasn't enough and I freaked out and saluted her like she was Patton.

"Uhh- Y- Your majesty!" I said.

She fortunately took my bumbling in stride. She gave a laugh, and the gentle shake of her head.

"Where are you heading? I know these halls can be intimidating. I still get lost in them sometimes."

I gulped. If the one that lived here got lost in them, just how was I going to find my way out of here had I not run into someone?

One of the guards waved a hoof in front of my face.

"The Princess is talking to you," he said plainly. "It would be sweet and right to answer her question."

I only gave him a glance, then looked up at her.

"I'm looking for Pinkie Pie. We got seperated while leaving the medical wing. You have queasy doctors, by the way."

She chuckled. "Would you believe me if I told you they are a thousand times better than their predecessors? As for Pinkie, just close your eyes."

I blinked. The guards both put a hoof to their eyes, but the Princess was one of great patience. She smiled good naturedly at me.

"I'm going to need you to shut them for longer than that."

I smiled sheepishly, and did as she asked.

"It was nice meeting you, Private Sammy Stone of the 9th Infantry," she said. I felt heat rushing to my cheeks, and then what equated to water rushing under my skin.

"...then when we are done here we can explore Canterlot for a while! Sound good?"

I could recognize Pinkie's voice anywhere by now. When I opened my eyes I was in what appeared to be an office next to the Pink Menace herself. She was yapping away at me as if she didn't even notice I was gone. Or perhaps she was rubbing off on me and I was in two places at once?

I realized quickly she was waiting for a response, so I nodded. "Uhh, yeah. Okay, sounds good."

She smiled. "Okie dokie lokie. But first, boring paperwork."

The smile fell from her face. "I hate boring paperwork."

Join the club, sister.

End of Chapter

Sammy is Forgetful

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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour feels like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second feels like an hour. That's relativity."

-Albert Einstein

The paperwork ended up taking the better part of the afternoon. I killed the time by playing with the mane of the Pink Menace. My goal was to figure out what sorcery lied within it. If you're curious, I was unsuccessful.

I swear I pulled out a Louisiana license plate, a super-ball I lost when I was younger, and a slingshot I used to use to torment the squirrels in my yard.

Real quick: Never shoot a squirrel with a slingshot. They hold grudges.

The paperwork was incredibly tedious. I was amazed that Pinkie didn't mind me messing around with her mane, and more so that nopony thought it was weird that I was pulling such random odds and ends out of it. I was grateful to be allowed to do these things. I would have gone crazy with boredom otherwise.

I was told the work was all necessary, though. The papers she signed that day put me on record- when I was found to be completely off the grid, I was told I needed to have identification and also become a citizen. In addition, the paperwork to get me into school was also sorted.

I found it kind of strange that I needed to come to another town in order to be allowed into school in Ponyville. The big problem was the fact that the place was a one-room schoolhouse. The school system in this place was far different from the one I was accustomed to. For one thing, a school year was only half as long here as where I came from, but first grade, second grade, third grade? They threw the entire grade system out the window. For better or worse, you're in school until you turn 18 here.

The grading system, on the other hand, was very much the same as where I was from. A- average, B- Bad, C- Can't Eat Dinner, D- Don't Come Home, and F- Forgotten Forever.

I may be exaggerating.

Each school day lasted around 6 hours, but there were two sessions- 9am-3pm, or 3pm-9pm for the older kids. There were two teachers- Ms. Cherilee, the morning teacher, and Ms. Ribble, the evening teacher.

I wasn't going to judge. I was assured that my teacher, Cherilee, was a very kind one. I only hoped she beat my first teacher, Mrs. Dinkin. We all called her Stinkin' Dinkin.

There was only one day off a week, though we were also to be given half days here and there. Homework was given on occasion, but it was mostly forsaken in favor of letting students rest their minds- some nut jobs where I am from would say that homework is bad for a kid's education, but I say if I had to do it plus extra work for beating someone with a trash can, share in my misery.

Anyhoo, school was half as long as I was used to, and it covered a lot of stuff I was familiar with, but also stuff that I had no idea of anything about. It was going to be very difficult to continue withholding certain words that made the list if I am forced to write them down on tests.

School for me would begin on Monday- the day today was Wednesday, so I still had some time to get my affairs in order beforehand.

I knew the day because I found a calendar in Pinkie's mane, but that's neither here nor there.

When we were done (FINALLY) with the paperwork, Pinkie asked me if I wanted to see the princesses. I personally could not wait to be out of the palace. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but I felt so out of place there it wasn't even funny. At this point, I just could hardly sit still. I almost felt like hopping around as Pinkie was fond of doing, as if that would make me feel better. I hadn't felt so cooped up and dying to do something since Pauly was killed.

Wait, that's not right. Jimmy.

No, uhh... Air Heart?

I felt my eyes widen. This can't be. What's my name? Sammy. What's my brother's name? Stevie. Mom? Maggie. My cousin that got killed? What was his name?

Benjamin Cat?

I felt my eyes moisten. This can't be happening. What was my cousin's name? He was my best friend, wasn't he? How could I forget his fucking name?

I let out a choking sob. By now Pinkie's attention was on me again, but she wasn't saying anything. She was just eyeing me.

I heard Pinkie ask me what the matter was after a few more moments of silence. All I managed to say was, "I'm losing." I then did what I had been fighting to avoid for so long: I burst into tears.

She didn't know to say much, but she did pick me up and begin carrying me out of the palace. I could do little else but continue with my sobbing. Pinkie was very quiet, though not due to lack of caring.

I could even feel eyes on me of other ponies. I knew that some were feeling pity for me, while others were turning up their noses at me. Really, though, I couldn't care less. I just wanted to go home.

I buried my face in Pinkie's mane. I wanted to hide in it. Or perhaps I thought the memories that had fled from me would be within it.

"Sammy."

I didn't respond. I was absolutely hysterical. I could have been being addressed by God, and I would not have responded.

"Sammy."

Why was this happening? I can sort of understand my new life, in a weird reincarnation kind of way. But why was I losing my memories of before?

Who was our Princess? Did my home even have one? Who rose the sun and the moon?

What the fuck was happening to me?

"Samantha."

Being given a new name? My responding to it as if it were my own? That's just twisting the knife.

Pinkie finally pulled my face out of her mane, and turned my head for me. She put a tissue to my nose, and I wiped the tears from my eyes, though they were quickly replaced.

"Look!"

I was set on the lap of the Pink Menace facing away from her. I couldn't help but gasp at the sight.

She had taken me out of not just the palace, but Canterlot. I was atop a hill overlooking the city with her, and we were watching the sun gradually creep towards the horizon. It caused an almost halo effect over the already stunning city.

I sniffled. The tears began to slow down at last. I still felt Pinkie rubbing my arm comfortingly.

"Whenever I was sad here," she said. "I would come to this place and look down at the city."

She sighed in nostalgia. "I spent hours here sometimes. One time, I failed a very important test I had been expecting to pass. I came out here to sulk, and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel and taking a W in the course. That means withdrawal, so you know."

Like she had for me on that bench outside the castle, I listened intently as she told her tale.

"It occurred to me while I was watching the city and shame eating a red velvet muffin, though: I'm still breathing."

I could feel her grin.

"I was disappointed, sure, but I knew one thing for sure, and that was that I was loved by the ones who knew me. The Princess herself loves us all as well. It's never possible to say you are unloved, much like it's never possible to cry forever."

She wrapped her forearms around me tightly.

"Smile, and the city seems to smile back," she said. "Seriously, try it! Smile smile smile!"

I didn't smile at first. Who was this and what did she do with the Pink Menace?

Pinkie moved her head to my shoulder and I could feel her grinning at me. I wasn't looking at her, though, but she has this uncanny ability: anyone she grins at ends up smiling as well. Needless to say, I could feel my resolve wavering, but my face wasn't cracking.

The issues that came up were weighing too heavily on me. I knew I was forgetting things that were important to me, and that terrified me. How long would it be before I forgot who I was?

I felt a jolt in my side and I let out a gasp. When I looked for the source, however, I found nothing. Pinkie was whistling Fare You Well Old Joe Clark innocently.

There was a jolt in my other side and I let out an involuntary squeak. I shot my head to investigate, but again could see nothing.

This time, however, I turned my head again, on the off chance that my other side was affected again.

It was. Pinkie's hoof found my side gently, and I felt myself jolt away from it.

She took that as a green light and began a full on assault of tickling.

Try as I might, I could not keep the giggle fit suppressed. My first giggles encouraged the Pink Menace, and she kept at it. No matter what I tried to do, I couldn't get free of her.

I did my best, too. I even tried, in my desperation, to tickle her back, and yeah she began to giggle as well, but... I guess there was a reason she was the Element of Laughter and I wasn't. By the time our horseplay (pun intended) was over, I felt in much better spirits. It was almost as if I couldn't remember what I was so upset about.

Come to think of it, what was I so upset about? It's the darnedest thing, but I can't remember.

"Feel better?" she asked. I gave her a smile and a hug, and that was all the answer I could afford her.

"Good, now let's see about visiting Canterlot!"

She grinned. "I own three restaurants here, and eleven hotels- I call them 'Hotel Pinnkies!'"

She giggled at her own joke. "Get it? Because inn?"

I nodded, and laughed a fake laugh to humor her. Then, my stomach chose that moment to growl. As if in response, hers did too.

"Good idea," she said. "Let's go get something to eat."

That's just what we did. Pinkie, meanwhile, wouldn't stop looking at me. It was as if she were daring me to start breaking down again. At this point, I couldn't even remember what I was so upset about. That in and of itself annoyed me. What causes me such a scene, then just fucks off like that?

I felt my eyes widen slightly again. That's right, my cousin. I forgot my cousin. It's okay, though. I remember now. His name was Red Wing. It was an odd name choice, though, considering he was not a pegasus. What killed him, though? I can't remember that now!

I felt a growl try to escape my throat, and when I forced it back down, it echoed through my stomach instead. Pinkie only giggled.

We found our way to this little bistro that was apparently a guilty pleasure of one of the princesses called Mareo's. It was a faux italian looking place where the wait staff all had false moustaches. Even the mares.

Speaking of, it was one of the mares who would be taking care of us that night, and she seemed to be absolutely thrilled to be working there. I mean, she was wearing the moustache kind of crooked, her eyes were half shut, and she addressed us in this very fake italian accent while at the same time being the most monotonous creature I'd ever then known.

I couldn't resist. When she asked us for our drinks, I told her I moustache her a question about the legal drinking age. She scowled.

"The legal drinking age is 21, missy. Uhh, I mean- Mama mia, you are far too young to indulge in alcohol, young lass!"

Why was she Scottish now?

I grinned at her. "That's all well and good. I think I have a flask stashed somewhere around here."

She didn't react, so I repeated myself. "Stashed."

Her eye twitched. I smiled sweetly. "'stached.'"

Pinkie was far too absorbed in the menu to notice what I was doing to the poor waitress. I wasn't afraid of her spitting in my food, though, because most of the stuff here was all pony safe, which meant no meats of any kind (there were a few meat options for carnivorous visitors to the country) on most of the dishes. What that meant is, there were many different salads I could choose from, and you can't spit in a salad, now can you?

The waitress uttered, "I'm going to get you some water." She practically flew away. Funny, she wasn't a pegasus.

Pinkie giggled. "Gosh, did you see the 'stache on that one?!"

I had another problem.

Where I'm from, I loved steak and beef. I agreed that meat was murder, though. Delicious, succulent, mouth watering murder. There's room for all God's creatures right next to my mashed potatoes.

I was fond of telling people that the word "vegetarian" was ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish, or ride.

I told myself, when I first saw advertisements here for "delectable dandelions and roasted roses" that I was never going to partake in flowers. Or grass. Salads, fine. Even I enjoyed a good salad every now and again back home. Pallet cleanser and all that.

For some reason, when I looked at the meat options on the menu, I felt ill, like the thought of eating meat disgusted me. I tried to picture my favorite supper back home- sirloin steak with garlic mashed potatoes and spinach.

The thought of it now, though, specifically the steak... it made my stomach protest and I no longer felt I might have a problem salivating over the thought. Thoughts of my favorite types of meat disgusted me now- had I really eaten that stuff?

The salads, vegetables, fruits and even mushroom steaks, however- they sounded appealing to me.

Why was this happening to me? Come on already- enough's enough!

I did enjoy my salad at least. It was one of the more delicious salads I'd ever tried.

Pinkie ordered a plate of something called "Fries Quatro Queso Dos Fritos," which were potatoes with four cheeses inside them beer battered and deep fried. She gave me one with a smile, and I couldn't not try it- nothing of the sort could have existed where I was from. It would be too much for the human pallette to handle; a flavor seizure!

We had a very pleasant lunch together, though Pinkie did end up reprimanding me for my moustache puns when it looked like the waitress was at her wits end. I swear I heard Discord's voice complimenting the prank. Great, I hear voices.

Another problem came up, however, when Pinkie asked me for one of my marigolds.

My response was a blank stare. She pulled her fork back and I saw a look of mild disappointment on her face. She hid it with a smile.

"That's okay, you eat!"

I blinked. "Wait, what marigold?"

She giggled, then pointed at my plate. It was only then that I really took note of the flower petals sprinkled in my salad. I had unknowingly eaten flowers, and I actually liked them.

Hey, remember the part where I didn't want to eat flowers? Apparently I didn't.

"I'm so glad you enjoyed them," she chirped. "At least I know one other pony that actually likes them!"

She took a petal and stuffed it into her mouth.

"Too sweet to the others. I say it's just right. Tangy!"

I wanted to be more upset about it, but I couldn't will myself to be. I guess I had exhausted any emotions I could have felt dealing with that Red Wing business earlier.

The plus side is, I remember what killed him- if you could call that a plus side. It was the fish heads. They used some kind of new spell on him during an ambush. Probably shot him in the back. I remember I wanted so badly to show them where they could stick their "honor."

I admit that I held no love for the Japs or the Krauts. I would end up giving some Kraut mare shit one day at Rarity's shop. Apparently she was a very popular seamstress looking to discuss business with Rarity, and I nearly ended up costing her the entire meeting. I was asked to leave and was not permitted to help Rarity again until I made right with the Krau- Germane mare.

Also I may have had to get sensitivity training from Fluttershy for six weeks.

When I was finally jostled out of my thoughts, we were no longer at the restaurant. I really had to get a handle on this thousand yard stare of mine, as Discord called it. I was never like this back home. I mean, I don't think I was.

We were standing before a store advertising paraphernalia for everything from the Daring Do series I'd not even given two looks to down to some flying team called the Wonderbolts. I kind of wanted to call the latter Blue Angels for some reason, though, so that was a problem.

Pinkie grinned down at me.

"C'mon! We still have a few hours before we need to catch the train back to Ponyville. If you see something you like, let me know!"

Was she trying to bribe me? I couldn't tell. Perhaps she thought my crying was as annoying as I thought it was? Granted, I'd not done a whole ton in front of her at the same extremity as before, but... crying. Stevie was a sympathetic crier.

I didn't ask her to buy anything. She had to pry things that I liked the look of out of me. I was never comfortable receiving gifts. It was a by product of growing up in the 30's. Almost everypony was pinching their bits back then due to a massive down swing in the economy. Getting gifts felt wrong.

Additionally, she'd thrown me two parties in the span of two days, and even got me onto a super fancy train for the first time in my life. I didn't want to overstep any bounds, and I made a mental note to find out the birthday of the Pink Menace so I may get her a gift too.

When I got older I would try to do as she did and prepare a surprise party for her, and though she would act surprised all the same, I knew she never really was. No matter how airtight I kept the secret, she found out. Even Discord had no answer for me other than "Pinkie Pie."

When we were done at that shop, Pinkie had purchased a few books about that Daring Do character, a poster depicting her, and a doll. In addition, there was a poster of the Wonderblue Angels, and a calendar that had humorous cartoons depicted over each month. She also bought some caramel apples and a box of chocolate mints because her sweet tooth can never be satisfied. I was amazed that her teeth were so clean all the time.

When we had finally gotten back onto the train, it was later in the evening. Pinkie was once more yammering on about everything and nothing at the same time, while at the same time trying to get me to talk more about my past.

That was a problem, considering I'd not exactly been recalling my memories clearly of late. Pinkie's prying was not helping, and she stopped when she saw the stress in my eyes.

I felt hope flutter up in my heart. Stress! Perhaps that had something to do with my amnesia? I mean, I had no trouble with my memories when Red Wing was killed, and I didn't have any trouble when the Krauts wounded me. Once I woke up in those woods as a filly instead of a foal, however? It was like someone poked a hole in my psyche and over time my memories had been leaking out through it. Patch the hole, and I save my memories!

I gave an elated chuckle. How silly was I being before! All this time I was terrified of losing these memories when it was just stress induced. If I could come to terms with the stress, I just knew I could work on regaining the memories I lost so far.

I was practically vibrating on the seat with excitement. I could remember my Daddy again! I could remember my friends, my home- I'll remember everything I thought I lost just as soon as I can come to terms with my stressors.

The thought made the trip back that much more enjoyable.

The one thing I was willing to talk about with her was Stevie. I grinned at the thought of his vacuous eyes. I may have only resolved earlier in the day that I would never forget him, but being able to recall his name with ease and speed made me feel good, like I was finally going to beat back this amnesia.

I told her everything I could think of telling her- Stevie's fascination with balloons and how they stayed in the air, his love for all those he met regardless of how they treated him. I think he would have loved to meet Pinkie. If anypony could make him laugh, it would be her, and Stevie's laughter was rare, though his happiness was not.

I smiled up at her. She was listening to me ramble on intently, as if storing away my words like a squirrel acorns for the winter. We were by now just disembarking the train.

"He laughed so rarely, but it wasn't because he was unhappy. Laughter was just... complicated for him. My Daddy used to say that his laughter was a sign of good luck."

Pinkie gave me a smile. "Did you ever make him laugh?" she asked.

I nodded. "Sure! It was hit and miss, though. He knew what funny was, and when something amused him you could tell, but... like I said, he just showed it a little differently. When something was really, really funny he would laugh."

I giggled. "Dad got this sculpture of a lady's leg. Its name was "Artistic Appreciation," and nopony other than him appreciated it. Stevie one day knocked it to the ground, but only chipped it, and Dad threw a fit when he found out. I remember trying to cover for him by saying it was trying to get a leg up in this crazy world."

Pinkie giggled. Okay, it wasn't that funny, but it made Stevie laugh, and so it's a masterpiece of a joke in my books.

I saw Pinkie's smile slowly fall. "What happened, anyway? To your brother."

My smile fell too. As far as I was aware he was doing just fine back home with my parents. Yet, I told everypony here that they were dead. Or I was dead to them.

I really didn't want to talk about it, especially after having felt my spirits lighten a bit. I waved a hoof dismissively.

"I wonder what the weather's going to be doing tomorrow?"

End of Chapter

Gummy Madness

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"When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

-Anonymous

I suppose this may mess with your head: in the span of a day I found myself on a fancy train, in a fancy city, in a fancy palace, eating at a fancy restaurant, and then shopping at a less than fancy store for random odds and ends.

It all happened in the span of a day, and I was very tired. I ended up nodding off during the remainder of the train ride. When I awoke, it was due to the Pink Menace shaking me awake. I was too groggy then to care that I'd apparently fallen against her arm. It was lucky that didn't happen on the way to Algiers. Private Pyle would never let me hear the end of it and Sasquatch would have just crushed me.

When we got back, it was twilight. I helped Pinkie carry a few odds and ends. She grinned excitedly at me, and we headed for the room- my room. It would prove difficult to begin referring to it as that. My room was full of baseball posters and paraphernalia. I was a huge Yankees fan.

This place, however, seemed not to have baseball. Or at least, I hadn't yet seen it played. I'd have to ask about it sometime.

At that point, however, Pinkie and I went about our errand. To what should have been my dismay, she was singing about the work we were doing while we were doing it. It wasn't anything noteworthy, honest. All we were doing was covering some bare walls with posters and pictures, and putting other decor and toys here and there. Still, though, she insisted on singing while doing it. Though I could feel a tiny part of me want to join in, I just didn't. I promised myself I wouldn't sing a note here, and that was something else I wanted to stick to.

And what was the other thing? Remembering Stevie. Yes, my brother. Stevie. Fuck you, amnesia.

I could still recall everything about him- his enormous frame and small horn- being that he was slow, his magic was stunted. We had to keep it in check with a few magic expulsion spells. Twice a week we actually had to drain him like a sieve. Magical outbursts from somepony like him were never pretty.

I admit I was in pretty good spirits when we were finished. A Pinkie smile is often contagious, and she was never short on a smile or a cheer.

When we were finished, the room looked nice. Everything we got had a proper place in it and a bookshelf now had a few Daring Do stories in it, as well as a history of the Wonderbolts and a copy of The Bible II- yes, it turned out there was also a story called The Bridle II, but it was apparently a hot steamy story that my eyes would not behold if I could say anything about it. Needless to say, the story I saw in the doctor's office was the former. At least, I hoped it was.

Pinkie offered to tell me a tale about one of her adventures after I crawled into the bed that night. I decided to take her up on that offer, because who wouldn't want to hear a story from someone like her?

She told me more of the story about her first time meeting Twilight Sparkle and Spike, which went about the same as our first meeting- she gasped loudly, then darted off in the opposite direction, presumably to plan a surprise party or because she really, really needed to use the bathroom.

Apparently Twilight was sent to Ponyville to help manage something called the Summer Sun Celebration, which was in honor of Princess Celestia and her banishment of Nightmare C U Next Tuesday to the moon.

I later learned through studying under Twilight that Princess Celestia hated the celebration, and would often cry herself to sleep afterwards until she got her sister back. Twilight sometimes comforted the Princess during her time in Canterlot much like the Princess would comfort her. Princess Celestia often jokingly referred to herself as "the Princess of many, and Mother to all." Sometimes she even took the nickname "Momlestia."

Spike was a lot like a surrogate son to Twilight. She taught him everything he knew and tucked him into bed at night, kissed his injuries better and would scold him when he misbehaved. Though she never outwardly referred to him as her son, the thought was truly there. I even heard him call her Mom a few times, though I do not think I was meant to hear it.

As it turned out, however, Twilight was sent to Ponyville both to forsee prep work for the Summer Sun Celebration and because the Princess blatantly told her she needed to make some friends.

Who would think that she would end up becoming the Princess of Friendship, among all things?

The day she arrived was the day she met Fluttershy, Applejack, the Pink Menace, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity. They became fast friends, and in the course of that one day managed to learn that they each bore the Elements of Harmony.

Applejack was and still is the Element of Honesty, Fluttershy the Element of Kindness, Pinkie Laughter, Rainbow Dash Loyalty, and Rarity is Generosity. Twilight herself is the Element of Magic and/or Book Smarts. I swear she's read every book in existence. She was even familiar with Emily Dickinson's poetry. From my world. Don't bother, your head will explode before you make sense of it.

They managed to defeat Nightmare Moon, return Celestia (who gave each of them a hug and two of them didn't wash for three days because of it), and they brought Luna back to her senses. Because of their heroics, they were each awarded what I equated to the Medal of Honor. Pinkie's was hung up on a plaque in her room. I was very impressed- none of them even had to die to get the award!

I learned then that Fluttershy was in the army before she moved to Ponyville, as was Rainbow Dash- pegasi sign up for service because of the rewards they get in cost of living and tax decreases, at least in Cloudsdale. For somepony that became a Lieutenant Colonel like Fluttershy, there was complete tax exemption.

Rainbow, meanwhile, made it to Corporal. Her taxes were cut by 40%. Both were honorably discharged, and neither of them only had the Equestrian Medal of Honor in their homes. Fluttershy specifically had a Silver Star, a Purple Heart, something called a Gold Shine Sprite, a Medal of Valor, and what equated to the Distinguished Service Cross. Rainbow had a Bronze Star and a Silver Shine Sprite.

I never found out just what Fluttershy did during her time in the army, but the thought of this sweet as sugar pegasus who was near physically incapable of talking above a whisper fighting beside me against the Nazis was amusing. After having seen her quell the most unruly animal by simply staring at them, I didn't doubt her abilities. She could probably stop Sasquatch cold with that stare of hers. Well, maybe. That guy crushed a Kraut's skull in between his palms, or so it was said, but I digress.

I smiled as my eyes drooped closed. Imagine if I told Pinkie stories of my old home? She would either think I was insane, totally believe me and be fascinated by what i have to say, or would believe me, but not think it was such a big deal because she was probably there herself once before. Again, Pinkie Pie.

The last thing I felt before sleep took me was a blanket being pulled over me.

Once more I was plagued by night terrors, and these were unlike any I'd endured yet. They were so graphic and disgusting that I began to question my own sanity. Once more the Princess of the Night had to visit me to banish the terrors.

When they were gone, she tried to convince me to see a therapist, and I couldn't blame her. The dreams I had that night...

I'm not going to recite the things that I dreamt of that night, but I will say this: remember the whispers I heard on the wind of terrible atrocities being committed by Hitler's Nazi party?

Needless to say, my dream left me in a sour mood the next morning. I woke up shaking, but Pinkie did not enter the room to wake me today. It was one of the first times I didn't have tons to worry about doing, so she let me sleep in.

The room was unfamiliar to me now. My groggy mind had forgotten the decor change and for a moment I found myself wondering if I was in Stevie's room. He was a huge fan of the Daring Do series, but mostly just because of the pictures.

I felt a yawn escape my lips and I rolled out of the bed, doing my best to make it up nice. Of course, being me, a made bed was a bed with sheets draped over it in a sloppy fashion.

I spent twenty minutes trying to make it look immaculate. I remember that my bed was one of the biggest reasons I ended up cleaning latrines so often in boot camp. It was never made the way they wanted it made. I'm pretty sure the boys in the barracks had a pool for the next time I was going to get shit from someone for it.

It wasn't through lack of trying, either. I'm just not capable of making a bed look presentable. Besides, I read somewhere that leaving a messy bed was a good way to keep bed bugs from infesting it. Or at least, it helped.

Where I am now, though, I was not sure there even were bed bugs in the first place. Regardless, I was staying here in someone else's house and place of business, so the least I could do was try to make the bed look presentable.

When I was finally satisfied (I gave up), I nodded and left the room.

I found my way to the staircase, where I heard the low murmur of a crowd. I was surprised that they were so quiet and for a moment I feared it was due to my sleeping in. What was I to earn that sort of behavior? Royalty?

I later found out it was because of the Cake foals. Nobody wanted to wake them from a nap because to wake one of them was to awaken the devil.

I rarely saw them yet if at all, though.

Part of me wanted to go back to the room and wait a bit for the crowd to clear, but I needed to get used to this sort of thing if I was going to live here. I steeled myself and descended the staircase.

It turned out I had little to worry about- the staircase let out into a hallway, not the dining area. My groggy mind had completely forgotten that. I found myself wandering towards the kitchen, hoping to find Pinkie. I wanted to ask her if there was something I could do for her today.

That plan went the way of the dodo, considering there was a note on the fridge with a small scribble of the Pink Menace herself in the corner:

Sammy,

Went into the Everfree to help find Fluttershy's bunny. Back soon. Go see somepony today- it's really nice out. Just don't go into the Everfree. Too many mosquitoes and also it's dangerous.

-Pinkamena

P.S. I hate mosquitoes and you should too. Trust me, I have a Masters in Entomology.

Well, so much for Pinkie. I decided I was going to eat something and then go into town. Maybe I could see if Rarity needed anything. Unless she went bunny hunting too.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," I muttered to myself. "'Pinkamena'?"

I really was getting better with my horn.

My breakfast, which consisted of eggs and potatoes, was eaten at one of the tables among the patrons. I felt a tad uncomfortable (especially considering one of the Cakes had cooked it for me), but I must've been doing a good job with my magic, because I didn't make a mess. I even dared to risk a few showoffy movements, like making the fork zig zag or flip.

At least, I did so until I was asked to stop by some killjoy, because she was picking up on my entertainment.

Once I was made to stop, I stared down at the arm that the nurse had tested. The scab was almost all the way gone already, and my fur had started to come back in, if the tint of red was anything to go by other than blood. I made sure it wasn't, of course. I cleaned the dishes I used for the Cakes and rinsed my arm to make sure.

The red that matched the rest of my fur was not blood after all! Who knew?

"Hey, I never said I was a smart mare."

I felt my ears droop at the last word. Something wasn't right. It was true, though! I got myself hurt by the Krauts because I threw caution to the wind. Also, I'm not the most sensitive of fillies so self deprecating humor shouldn't-

Wait, I-

I felt my eyes widen as recognition washed over me. Mare! I'm not a mare. I'm a stallion. I was a stallion, rather. Then the Krauts happened.

I put my arms to my head and shook. Come on, brain- work with me here!

I smacked the side of my head with a hoof and shook my head violently once more, mussing up my mane in the process. I glared into my reflection from the mirror above the sink.

"Pull yourself together," I growled.

I heard somepony clear his throat, and my head shot to look at the source. It was the stallion of the shop, Mr. Cake. So far, he was one of the few ponies I know of that managed to grow stubble. What that means is, he has fur on top of his fur. At least around his mouth he does. Also, he is always wearing a striped cap. Always. He sleeps in it. I chuckled nervously while Mr. Cake eyed me.

"How much did you see?" I asked.

"Enough to be concerned. Is something on your mind, little one?"

I gave a nod. Might as well come clean.

"Yeah, I'm just... this whole adoption thing is new to me. I feel very out of place."

Remember the part where I said might as well come clean? Fuck that.

He gave his best impression of a comforting smile.

"I know how you might feel. I was adopted myself."

My ears perked up at that. He nodded. "That's right. My birth parents gave me up for adoption. I was taken in by a kindly mare and stallion, and I was raised a Cake. I wasn't taken in, however, until I was around ten years old."

He chuckled. "They never asked me to call them Mom and Dad. It took me years to even think of that place as my home. For a while, it was Misty Heart and Brick Flop's home- my mom and dad."

I listened intently. This was the most Mr. Cake had spoken to me yet.

"It takes time to get used to a new house regardless. Why, when Cup and I first moved to this place, we both swore it was haunted just because it was so cold all the time. Turned out the insulation just needed to be replaced, but that's not the point. What you're feeling is normal. Just remember that we all are glad to have you here, and this is your home for as long as you will have it."

He patted my shoulder. "If you need some time to get to feeling that way, it's okay. Take all the time you need."

I smiled up at him. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate it."

He chuckled. "No problem. And if you need anything, please don't hesitate."

I gave a nod, but I had no intention of making requests. I was staying here for free, after all.

Mr. Cake fetched a few dry dishes, and left the kitchen, and though his talk didn't exactly resolve my real issues, I did leave Sugarcube Corner in better spirits than I'd woken up that morning.

I felt myself practically jump out of my skin when I heard the voice of the Pink Menace screaming from seemingly nowhere. I wasn't three steps out the door yet, either!

"Sammy! Please feed Gummy before you go anywhere! He's in my room. Just give him the cupcake in my nightstand."

Was your question "Who is Gummy?" Because that was my question. I swear I heard Pinkie again after a moment yell, "What?"

I decided not to scream like a mad mare- mad stallion, and instead I went back to Sugarcube Corner. I was afraid of not doing something asked of me by the Pink Menace.

Mrs. Cake, manning the counter and taking the order of a large red stallion, smiled as the door opened, but the smile became a confused frown.

"Did you forget something, dear?"

"I'm going to feed a thing."

She blinked. "Huh?"

"Pinkie said something about a Gummy."

The little light went off above her head. "Oh! Yes, go right up. The little guy is probably asleep right now. He's so sweet."

I gave a curt nod, and let Mrs. Cake get back to serving the stallion, who had a large green apple cut- word withheld mark. The stallion acknowledged me with a nod as well, and I found my way up the stairs. I opened the door to Pinkie's room, expecting a complete mess of party favors, candy, and a dead body.

Instead I found an immaculate room with walls just covered from floor to ceiling with master degrees, all to one Pinkamena Diane Pie. When I say from floor to ceiling, I mean it. The place was positively adorned with awards to the Pink Menace. Her ceiling just above the bed was decorated with photos of her posing with her friends, and a picture of her with a few other ponies I did not know. One from that group made it into another picture with her. It was a grey mare in a blue turtleneck that didn't look like she smiled a day in her life. Around those pictures? More fucking awards.

"Woah," I muttered. "I thought you were bullshitting, Pinkie."

On her nightstand I saw her Medal of Honor. Her bed was covered in pink sheets (I assume to make her blend in) and next to her bed I saw a bowl of water and a plate with a few crumbs on it.

No sign of a pet, though. I reasoned it was hiding under the bed or something. I went into her nightstand and took a cupcake from it, which was surprisingly not stale. A chocolate chip muffin. Isn't chocolate toxic to dogs? What about cats?

"Gummy," I called gently. "You have a, uhh... cupcake."

There was just silence. "I'm going to get you clean water now. Please don't be dead face first in the muffin when I return. Come to think of it, just don't be dead, okay?"

I left the room with the old water and took it to the bathroom, where I washed it out and refilled it. I gave myself another look in the mirror, and ran a brush through my mane one more time. I liked Pinkie Pie, but I didn't want my mane doing what hers does.

When I was satisfied, I brought the bowl back to Pinkie's room. I had to take great care to magic the bowl through the hall without spilling. Surely there was a way to keep the water from falling out too? I would have to ask somepony.

When I entered the room again, the muffin was gone, but I still saw no sign of Gummy. This little bugger could be invisible when he wanted to be.

I set the bowl down with a smile, and turned to leave the room. That was when I saw the fucking alligator with eyes facing opposite directions. He blinked each eye seperately at me.

"Oh," I said. "You must be Gummy."

He said nothing, instead blinking unevenly at me again.

"Excuse me."

I waited for no response of any kind. Alligators freaked me out back home! I'm pretty sure I knew a guy who knew a guy whose best friend's sister's son in law had a dog that got eaten by one of these things!

I galloped out of the room, down the steps, and out the door in a red and blue blur. I'm pretty sure I turned a few heads but I didn't stop to find out.

I didn't stop running until I was well away from Sugarcube Corner. When I did stop to catch my breath, I heard Pinkie yell again.

"By the way, Sammy- Gummy is an alligator but he's the cutest sweetest nicest little guy you will ever see! Also he has no teeth, so don't worry!"

I didn't respond on account of being too busy catching my breath. I hadn't galloped that hard since I woke up in the woods. All I knew at the time was, I didn't want to be in a 100 foot radius of Sugarcube Corner at that moment.

When I managed to compose myself, I decided I might as well check in on Rarity like I planned. She didn't seem the sort to go willingly into a forest to me. Then again, for all I knew she was a lumberjack in her down time.

The primary issue was finding her place of business in the first place. I'd forgotten the name and had never seen it before. At least, I didn't remember ever seeing it. With how my memory had been of late, it wouldn't surprise me. Part of me feared forgetting all of who I used to be. What would happen if one day I woke up, and the battle I'd been waging in my mind stopped?

It sounds great, I suppose, but what I mean is, what if it stopped because I forgot what I was fighting for? Or I forgot why I was fighting in the first place? How long before I forgot my life before all this, my brother, my mother? What if one day I woke up and figured, "Fuck it, Pinkie is my mother"? Sure, on paper she was, but it was different being on paper and being uttered as a phrase.

"What is your brother's name, Sammy?" I asked myself lowly. "Stevie. What was your mother's name? Maggie."

I felt hope bubble up within me. Some part of me just knew the answers were correct.

"Whatever stress this amnesia is spawning from, you're not getting me without a fight," I mumbled. I smiled a bit.

The one place I knew how to get to at the time other than Sugarcube Corner was the castle that Twilight Sparkle lived in. I figured she'd be out helping in the woods too, but Spike might be there. The Castle was part library as well, so I figured maybe he was in charge of it or something.

It turned out I was right. I didn't even get a chance to lay a hoof on the door, though. It opened and the stout, pudgy dragon gazed up at me. We silently stared at each other for a few moments.

I broke the ice.

"If you were going for creepiest way to answer a door, you nailed it."

He smiled sheepishly. "I thought you were Twilight. Did you need something?"

"I was hoping you knew where to find Rarity's shop. I owe her a favor."

At the mention of Rarity, Spike came down with a nasty case of googly eyes. I swear I saw hearts coming out of them.

"Boy, do I. She's busy today, though. Something about helping Fluttershy. Uhh, the yellow pegasus that's scared of her own shadow. You remember her, right?"

I gave a nod, and sighed. "Can you direct me to her work? Maybe I can help her with something when she is free."

He eyed me suspiciously. "Say, why are you so insistent on this? I have dibs on her. I'm her knight in shining armor. Plus, she doesn't like girls. I mean, not like that."

I put a hoof to my eyes. "No, ding dong. I don't play for that team."

...did I? What gender did I prefer before the Krauts? The more I thought about it, the more my head would hurt.

I started thinking more of everything. I didn't find myself even remotely attracted to anypony. Then again, I was just six years old so what did I know at the time? Then again, Spike was a baby dragon raised by ponies. Wouldn't he have some of our customs, as well? Maybe his hormones worked different.

"Sam."

My ears perked up and I gave my head a shake. Spike was smiling at me.

"Are you in pain, or was that your thinking face?"

I smiled sheepishly.

Spike and I ended up hanging out for the day, but we weren't just sitting around chatting. Twilight had left him with some chores, and I was helping him do them.

The word helping is a stretch, admittedly. Twilight's idea of chores was rearrange the order of all the books in the library. Eyeing the towers of knowledge all around us greatly intimidated me, but Spike assured me that he'd already done the brunt of the work. I didn't believe him until I saw him at it- The little guy could really move!

I got to learn a bit more about him from his crush on Rarity to his love for Twilight. He absolutely idolized her, but remained unbiased at the same time. Spike told me that she was extremely intelligent, but also kind of obsessive, and was prone to going on rants about the "magic of friendship." His descriptions made me wonder how long I would last in such a conversation before I willed the Mongoose into existence and blew my brains out with it. My bits were on a matter of minutes.

I didn't say that out loud to Spike, and I was sure to never say it to Twilight or to anypony for that matter.

I admired Spike soon after I met him. He was still very young, but could also be very smart when he had to be. That's not to say he was perfect, but he treated me like an equal from the moment I met him. I appreciated that.

It was 4 o'clock by the time Twilight came back. The others were not with her save for Rainbow Dash. They came in debating, and when I made a move to greet them, Spike stopped me.

"...No, no, no. Because in the fourteenth book, Daring escaped the temple as it engulfed in flames through the roof!"

"True, but she was also burned and suffered from smoke inhalation on the way out, remember?"

Neither of them noticed us. At this point, we were each just finishing up with the books.

"My question is, if she suffered burns and was out for the count for a few days after her exploits in the Temple Inferno, how come in the twenty-ninth book she went through similar trials and had almost the same escape, but didn't have to worry about burns or anything? C'mon, Twi. You're the egghead here- what did she do?"

The two walked right past us without even noticing. I felt myself relieved that they both had wings; if they were this engrossed in their conversation for the whole walk, they could have walked off a cliff, or maybe even into quicksand or something! Do wings work in quicksand?

They'd work in the cliff situation at least.

Spike and I just stared as they ascended the staircase. We looked at each other, then back at their retreating forms.

"And a hearty hello to you too!" I called.

End of Chapter

The First Day

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"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life."
-John Lennon

My days and nights are blurring together. I feel almost as if I were on a desert island somewhere, but I was well taken care of. Of course, there was an alligator with no teeth on this desert island of mine, as well as a menace of pink and crazy.
Fine, also two babies that cried whenever they were left alone in a room with me. I'm getting to them.

It ended up taking some coaxing from Rainbow Dash of all ponies to get me to go back to Sugarcube Corner that night, by the way. She told me that Gummy never left the room I found him in and Pinkie wouldn't make me hang around him if it scared me.

It was the most clarity Dash ever showed at then to me. She was talking to me about me and listening to my problems, not just talking about herself and her exploits. Of course, once I had agreed to go back to Sugarcube Corner, she went on a tangent about how great her pet turtle was, and how she saved his life in a rock slide and just couldn't let him go.

I later found out that it was the turtle that saved her. There is a reason Rainbow Dash is not the Element of Honesty.

The remaining few days I had were spent cleaning up for Rarity at her shop, learning how to use my magic more efficiently and accurately with Twilight Sparkle, spending more time with the Cutie M- words withheld Crusaders, and brainstorming with Pinkie about costume ideas for Halloween.

Rarity offered to pay me for my services rendered, but I refused at first on the grounds that she paid for my food on my first few days here, so in my mind I had to make that money back for her before I could go about accepting any sort of reward.

I should also mention that Rarity tried to fill my head with numerous ideas about fashion, its current direction, who the power players in the fashion industry are, and the like. I knew that she loved what she did even then, but it all went in one ear and out the other in my case. A customer actually asked me my opinion on her best design, and I just told him that I cleaned up here.

My time with her, however, was very uplifting. I didn't know that a seamstress could have such passion for their work before I saw Rarity. She always had a smile on her lips or a song in the air while she worked. I felt myself a bit envious of her. My job was to work with my Daddy doing odd jobs for sixteen hours a day, typically on carriages. His special talent was mechanical work. Know what my vacation was? Riding across the ocean to shoot Nazis.

What I mean is, it seemed like all the ponies I met so far had life figured out. Even the Crusaders knew what they wanted in life, and they were all around my age. Just what did I want out of life? What did I like to do before the Krauts happened? I could hardly remember what my favorite meal used to be anymore.

I did, however, remember my brother. Stevie. My mommy was...
...Ponyfeathers. Uhh, Mancy? Miley? Missy? It definitely probably started with an 'M' but I couldn't be certain of much of anything else.

I was fortunate to have maintained control of my temper on that day. I wanted desperately to break something, and I don't think I would've forgiven myself if I'd broken something of Pinkie's. Then again, considering the degrees in her room she surely could have fixed whatever had been broken.

I didn't eat much at breakfast. Mostly I just poked and prodded at the eggs offered to me. Pinkie, in typical Pinkie fashion, was yammering away, totally oblivious to my disinterest.

"...and that was when I knew that I had to bring smiles and laughter to everypony. I mean, granted, Maude doesn't laugh much out loud, but she's like your brother in that sense, Sammy! She's laughing on the inside."
My days and nights melted together. I distantly poked at the eggs once more.
"And your father?" I asked.
"Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. You'll like Maude! She's the bestest big sister ever! Uh, not that your big brother wasn't great- well, she'd technically be an aunt. I wonder why we say aunt, anyway? What about uncless? Uncless Maude. Or- ooh! Auntle! Wait!"

My ears flicked towards her, and I tore my eyes from the cooling breakfast to look at her.
"Did I say sorry about what happened with Gummy yet? Because I'm super duper sorry. I didn't know he'd scare you!"
I nodded. "You did. Several times, actually."
"I want you both to be friends too though. Gummy's nice!"
I stared at her. "He's an alligator," I said plainly. Pinkie gave me a rare frown.
"Bad Sammy! Don't be racist! Or- or speciesist. He's nice, I promise. He certainly won't bite you. Or if he does, it wouldn't hurt. He has no teeth."
"And you didn't think to call him Toothless?" I asked.
She grinned. "What do you mean? Gummy's not a dragon!"
I stared blankly.
"Look, just promise me you'll at least think about spending time with him. I'll be there too if it helps! If you don't like him after that, then you don't have to see him anymore."
It was a brave wager on her part. If I didn't have to see him anymore, did that mean she would give him up over me? Or I wouldn't be allowed in her room? Would I be given up? I finally poked one of the eggs with my fork and stuck it into my mouth. As long as I was eating I didn't have to answer, right? My brain told my mouth to just chew.
So, of course my mouth said, "Okay."
Pinkie's grin grew wider than I think I'd ever seen before, and that's saying something. I once asked her why she always smiled, and she simply told me that it's because smiling is her favorite.

Seeing Pinkie frown for longer than a few moments was debilitating. It was like the whole world got gloomy and sad if she frowned for too long. She does do it intentionally from time to time, though. She says frowning works out more muscles than smiling does and it's part of the exercise regiment she occasionally uses, Pinkiecise. Having said that, a few moments of frowning cause a visible strain on her.

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, it becomes difficult to describe just how she reacts to anything, because Pinkie Pie. So, when my dumb mouth agreed to her request, she seemed to lift off into the air. It was a good thing we had been having breakfast outside.
Pinkie suddenly returned to her seat and shot her head forward at me. I pulled back with a small smile on my lips.
"Tonight?" she asked.
I hesitantly nodded. Pinkie grinned again.
"Yay!" she whispered. "I am working today, so you should go see somepony- it's going to be super nice today! If you come by I will make sure you all get special treats!"
The promise of sweets brought my hunger around again. My stomach growled lowly, and she giggled.
"Sounds yummerlicious, right? No sweets until you eat breakfast though. Finish up!"
"Yes'm," I said. Though my eggs had long since cooled and were no longer appealing to me (I never liked cold eggs), I dug in anyway.
"Sammy?"
My ears perked up and I rolled my eyes to Pinkie, who was smiling gently at me now.
"Be careful when you go out. If you go see the Cutie Mark Crusaders, make sure not to go into the Everfree, or Forever Forest, or even the Lost Woods- anypony that gets lost in them becomes a monster, after all. So, I don't want to hear about you being lost in the woods, okay?"
I gave her a nod, but began to wonder just where I ran through when I came here. I wasn't about to ask, though. I could hardly remember which direction I came from, save for the fact that I didn't come to town on the main road.

I felt confusion wash over my face.
"Wait, monster?"
Pinkie, who was already carrying her dishes back to the kitchen, responded without faltering.
"Yepper depper! You know, hydras, changelings, manticores, skull kids, pop singers- just don't go into the trees!"
The door shut behind her before I could say anything.
"What the hell is a skull kid?" I whispered.

I bumped into Fluttershy while I was wandering around. I mean literally bumped into her- I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I was busy trying to get my lost memories back. Before I could even apologize, she let out a squeak and galloped off. I blinked twice, and lowered the hoof I'd raised in a silent attempt to stop her.'

I should have kept it up, because not a moment passed before I felt something splatter me in the face. I jolted with a muffled squeak too, courtesy of whatever was now on my face. For a brief moment I wondered if I was being fillynapped or something stupid, but then I noticed the scent and taste of apple.

It was an apple pie.

That was when I noticed the obnoxious raspy laughter that could only come from Rainbow Dash. I pried the tin off my face- it got stuck on my horn.
"Sorry shrimp! That one was meant for Flutters, but you wear the look well enough!"
She was hovering high above the ground with her forelegs over her stomach laughing.
After a few moments, she wiped a tear from her eye.
"Oh, that's rich. It's getting old, but still rich! Tell you what Sammy: I got you today instead of next week, so consider yourself prank proof for the next month!"
She took a breath, and her laughter began anew. It wasn't that funny.
"That's poetic, isn't it? A pie for a Pie! Bahahaha!!"
"This means war, Rainbow! You just woke the kraken. Whatever you do to me will come back to you ten times worse!" I yelled up at her.
She stopped laughing, but grinned down at me.
"Is that a threat?"
I shook my head. "A promise."
She snickered. "Well then, come get me squirt!"

With that, she lived up to her namesake again, and was gone in a dash. Keep in mind this was all before I figured out how inept at pranking compared to her I really was. I ended up having to enlist Pinkie's help to get her.

I growled lowly, but went to turn around and head back to Pinkie's so I could wash up.

I was face to face with the Crusaders, and they were all wearing the same look I was. Well, different flavored pies. If I had to guess from memory, then Sweetie Belle was wearing blueberry, Applebloom was wearing peach pie, and Scootaloo was wearing pumpkin pie with a bit of cinnamon mixed in.

Hey, if you live with Pinkie long enough, you learn your pastries.

"She got you too, huh?" asked Applebloom in that thick southern drawl of hers.
"What gave it away?" I asked.
"She was trying to get Applejack but accidentally hit me instead," she said.
Sweetie wiped a bit of pie off her face with a grimace, then spoke.
"She wanted Rarity instead of me, but she knelt down to pick up a lucky bit, so..."
Scootaloo licked some pie off her face.
"I was hungry, so she gave me this one."
Sweetie Belle sighed. "Rarity won't let me walk two steps inside looking like this."
"Let's just go wash up at the farm," said Applebloom. "Sammy, come with us. We can hang out afterwards and plot our revenge."
Their eyes lit up, as if an epiphany had just claimed them.
"Cutie Mark Crusader Prank Masters!" they yelled in unison.

I only blinked some pastry out of my eye. Then, I saw them all look uncertainly at the markings on their flanks, which all seemed to be a shield of some sort.
Scootaloo shrugged. "Old habits die hard."

"I better not get pink eye from this," I grumbled. Applejack chuckled, and wiped more pie away from my eye with a wet cloth.
"What did you think that pie was made of, sugarcube? Only the best apples, don't you worry."

I didn't say anything. I wanted to do this cleaning myself, but the Apples insisted they clean up I and the other fillies because they figured that we would probably make more of a mess if we tried.

"Come on, now. How do your eyes feel? Do they hurt?"
I shook my head. "It don't bother none."
She ran the cloth under warm water once more, and cleaned my horn up as well. I wanted desperately to shake dry like a dog just to spite someone.
"I imagine Sweetie Belle had a conniption when she got hit. You got to watch out for that Rainbow. I like a good prank as much as the next pony, but sometimes she just goes too far."

She leaned forward conspiratorially. "Between you and me? Pinkie's much better at pulling pranks than both she and Discord put together. I'm pretty sure she went to school for it."
"I've seen her room. That wouldn't surprise me."
She smiled, and finally set the cloth down.
"Good as new. You want something to eat?"
I shook my head. "No, thank you."
"You sure? I have some apple pie."
"Very funny."
She chuckled, and ruffled my mane. "I thought so. Alright, Scoot's turn. You have a nice day now. Don't get yourself pied again."

I had no intentions of it, and just nodded. Applebloom had been cleaned up quickly by an elderly mare that looked like she might turn to dust if I sneezed at her. Sweetie Belle was being cleaned up by big red stallion from the other day- apparently he was part of the family here. Scootaloo was called in by Applejack after I'd been taken care of- we flipped a bit to see who got cleaned first, and I won.

I ended up sitting next to Applebloom while we waited for the others to get cleaned up.
"Wasn't expecting you to be done first," I said. She smiled.
"Granny Smith may be old, but she's quick," she said. "You look better too."
I nodded. "Your sister surely did this before."
"It may not have been the first time something like that happened."
We were quiet for a few moments, but Applebloom tried to continue the conversation.
"How old are you, Sammy? I don't think you said."
"I'm six," I said without a second thought. A moment afterwards, I felt myself flinch, as if something was wrong, or I was lying.
Yet, I was confident I wasn't lying. I was turning seven in a few weeks, after all! Just a little bit after Nightmare Night.

It made it all the more stupid that I got hurt by those Krauts.
"Y'okay?" she asked. I shook out of my inner conflict. I knew I was six. I'd been six for a year now.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied. "Uh, how old are you?"
She smiled proudly. "I just turned nine. And already I got my cutie mark!"
I blinked. "So?"
She looked at me like I grew two heads. "So? Who wants to be a blank flank all their life?"
"Is that a slur?"
"It's a dirty way of saying someone doesn't have their cutie mark yet. Want help finding yours? That's our talent as Crusaders! Helping ponies find their cutie marks!"

I didn't share her enthusiasm. To then I figured it was a simple fix of getting an ass tattoo. I had no intention of getting one, though.
"You're only six though, so it's okay to be a blank flank."
"I don't care if I die without it, honestly. It means nothing to me."
Applebloom looked like she was about to vomit. I took a step away from her for good measure.
"Oh my- I think I'm going to be sick. What pony isn't interested in her-"

Sweetie Belle returned to us looking quite pie free, but her mane was messed up in such a way that I wouldn't hesitate to call it art. I unconsciously prodded at my own.
"Her what?" she asked.
"Sweetie, you look, uhh... better?"
"Her what?" she asked again.
"Did Big Mac try to give you that funny mane style of Zecora's?"
"Her what?" she asked again, this time more forcefully.
"She says she don't care about cutie marks."
This time, Sweetie looked at me like I had two heads.
"Why not?"
I shrugged to the best of my ability. "Stopped caring about them eleven seconds after I found out what they are."
Sweetie and Applebloom looked at each other, then grinned nervously at me.
"Excuse us a moment."

They then proceeded to have a hushed conversation like three feet away from me, as if they were expecting me to not hear anything.
"Who doesn't care about their cutie mark?" asked Applebloom.
"I told you she was weird."
"Somepony that doesn't want a cutie mark... now I've seen everything. She's gonna have a lot of quit in her at that rate. We ought to help her find it anyway."
"No you shouldn't," I mumbled.
"She clearly is desperate for it."
"I'm not," I said.
"The poor thing really does think she doesn't want one!"
"I don't."

When Scootaloo came back (looking much better too I might add), she was brought up to speed with the "(words withheld) emergency" they had on their hooves. At that point the huge red stallion was heading out of the house.
"I was speaking English, right?" I asked him.
"Nope," he said without missing a beat. He didn't even stop walking.

Apparently I learned a new language or my voice box stopped working temporarily, because the trio decided to take me around town to try out a bunch of different activities to see what my calling might be. They completely forgot about revenge pranks.

I plead six years old, but that didn't get me out of spending my day with the Crusaders. They did, however, cancel a few of their activities after I reminded them of my age, such as shooting me out of a cannon, vandalizing town hall, and sky diving.

It didn't excuse me from attempting apple bucking, which meant kicking a tree until the apples fell off. Want to guess how well that went?

Here's a hint: I didn't do it until I was egged on by those three for an hour and a half. So basically, I was standing with my rear to a tree telling them all I knew how this was going to play out.

So, you can imagine how unsurprised I was when I ended up kicking the tree, and pain reverberated through my rear legs. I'm stupid, I admit it, but even I knew what was going to happen. What was their excuse?

It ended up that I put a small crack in one hoof, and all I succeeded in knocking out of the tree was a leaf or two.
The rest of my day with them was spent doing random and stupid things. I was made to try and locate local pests that would eat the apples on Applebloom's farm- first of all, I found nothing, and second I wasn't too keen on doing free labor for the Apples thinly disguised as an attempt at figuring out what I was good at.

When that didn't work, Scootalloo had me try to use her scooter for "sick awesome stunts," and I went nowhere. I mean literally. To use a scooter would mean I needed to be able to walk on two legs. It wasn't exactly something I'd ever done before. I fell fairly instantly and caught the handlebars with my chin on the way down, so unless there was a mark for not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time...

She had me try again, of course, but this time from atop a ramp on the outskirts of town that Rainbow had built for her. There were a few low hanging clouds around the ramp in case she went flying off. That way, she'd have something to cushion her fall. Pegasi are super light, and as a result can actually stand atop the clouds.

Unicorns? Well, let's just say the clouds didn't stop me. A conveniently placed leaf pile did. The only reason I'd even attempted again was because they bribed me with a few bits. I never asked Pinkie for money yet and had no intention at then to.

So, now I had a cracked hoof, sore legs, bumps and bruises, dirt in my fur, and leaves caught in my mane.

That's when Sweetie Belle decided to take me to the Botique, where she took out her "little tailor's kit" and had me try and sew something. I ended up turning myself into a pincushion because I tripped over their stupid cat. Oh, and also the cat mauled me and then hid under a bed.

So, what I'm saying is by the end of the day I looked like hammered shit, and I didn't want to see the Crusaders again. At least not until I cooled down. None of them listened to anything I said. When the sun finally dipped below the horizon and we split up, I swear I heard them tell themselves that they did a pretty good job today. I wanted to give each of them a hoof upside the head.

Needless to say, I was in a foul mood when I got back to Pinkie's. It was like she was able to sense my mood, as well, because she was standing right in front of the door and swiftly hid something behind her back with a nervous grin.
"Uh, hi! You look like a super angry pony. And also like the Crusaders made you attempt to buck an apple tree, hunt down bugs, use a scooter and then sew! Or maybe you just are trying on a new look? If that's the case, you look amazing!"

I walked past her, and she moved to face me, never letting me see what was behind her back.
"Can I just go get myself sorted? I look like the bog monster of Louisiana," I grumbled.
"You're going to have to wait a few minutes. Mrs. Cake is bathing the foals. Are you hungry?"
I was kind of hungry, but at the same time I wasn't in the mood to eat, so I shook my head.

Pinkie beckoned me with her head, and turned around to start walking to a table. The store's chairs were atop the tables and the floor was freshly mopped and only just dried. The main cause for concern, however, was the toothless little alligator biting onto her tail with not a care in the world.
I felt myself breathe in sharply at the sight of him, but I said nothing and followed at a safe distance.
She picked a table near the window and had me sit with her.
"You went crusading, didn't you?" she asked slyly.
I blinked. As if in response, I swear Gummy blinked separately again. I nodded slowly.
Pinkie squealed. "How did it go? I know you didn't find it yet but don't lose hope! If you find it at your age that would be something else. Did you have fun? Tell me all about it!"
I summed it up in about a sentence: "They had me crack a hoof, fall into a leaf pile, and I learned what a pincushion feels like."

It wasn't the best of days. Pinkie didn't see it that way, though. She only seemed to get more excited.
"Ooh, I'm so jealous! I remember when I first tried to get my cutie mark too. I was playing with rocks on the farm and trying to make a superrock- like a rock with all the power of a normal piece of sediment but the ability take a free flight to wherever it lands when I throw it..."

She began to smile wildly while she spoke, and the more she spoke, the more she smiled; the more she smiled, the more she spoke. She got so excited while rambling on about the trials leading up to how she got her cutie- FUCK word withheld mark that I worried her face might crack. It was a smile I would not see again until the day I told her that I loved her for the first time.

Suddenly, she gasped loudly, and her head shot to Gummy, then to me. Back to Gummy. Then to me again. She grinned again.
"You met Gummy! Kind of. Gummy, this is Sammy, Sammy this is Gummy."

Before I could say a word in response, she pulled him off her tail and all but shoved him in my face.
"Say hello!"
I backed up against the chair again. Barring the fact that he was a fucking dog-eating alligator, he was kind of cute I guess.
"Hi. My name is personal space," I said.
Gummy blinked his eyes separately at me again, and then his tongue shot out and licked my nose.
"See? He likes you!"
I shuddered. Seemed more like he was tasting me to see if I was worthy of being eaten yet. I looked down at my belly, where I saw just a bit of pudge forming. The three meals a day and no helping Dad haul stuff meant I could actually get a bit of meat on my bones.

What if Gummy wanted me to fatten up or something and then he would eat me? His teeth might just be invisible or hiding or something!

Still, I doubted it very much. Pinkie's the pudgy party pony, so if he didn't eat her, then I would probably be safe.
I risked holding a hoof out to him so he could sniff me or take my arm off. He did neither, and instead licked me slowly. It was that day that I was able to cross "Get licked by an alligator" off my bucket list. I've yet, however, to smile at a crocodile.
Pinkie grinned at me and said something about being Gummy's mummy. Then, she set him down on the floor, where he began to do laps around the table.

She said nothing of me calling her by that title, though, which I appreciated.

Pinkie as a mother was a concept that I could not wrap my head around for a long while. Though I would, one day, begin to refer to her as mom, I still called her Pinkie a fair amount of the time.

The first time I called her mom, it had slipped out right before bed. She'd just told me a story about her move to Ponyville, and when I had begun to nod off she tucked me in and said goodnight. I just reacted without thinking. She didn't press or anything, though I do not know if it was due to her not wanting to keep me awake or if she simply didn't hear me.

I heard the sound of water rushing down some pipes, and both mine and Pinkie's ears turned to regard it.

"You can have your bath now," she chirped. "I still say you need to eat something after, though!"
I told her I would, and I excused myself from the table. Gummy was still running his laps around it; I was amazed.

I felt a bit better after my bath, but I still didn't want to see the (word withheld) mark devils. Not for a while, at least. Still, I did come to terms with one thing, and that was the fact that those stupid marks were of high importance to this society.

I still thought it was just a big waste of time. Then again, I was disillusioned by the idea of the marks because I originally thought they were tattoos.

Some of the rumors I heard regarding the atrocities Hitler's Third Reich were committing involved tattoos being used to identify prisoners and strip them of their identity. To my warped reasoning, it seemed like the same thing. Therefore, I had promised myself to never get one of those marks. In not having one I felt I could preserve my own identity.

When I descended the steps again to ask Pinkie if she needed me to do anything for her, I noted the smell of cleaning fluids. The floors had just been mopped. This was before I really knew much about Sugarcube Corner, so I thought that Gummy had either gored Pinkie, or Pinkie gored him. It was really just something they did upon closing up shop for the night.

Pinkie was in the kitchen wearing a chef's hat and cooking something in a pot, and having heard my entrance, she grinned at me and gestured to the table we'd been sitting at earlier. I wasn't so hungry, but I sat.

The Cakes were nowhere to be found- the upstairs rooms were quiet and dark. I found it amazing that I still wasn't introduced to the babies- Pinkie had mentioned them in passing. I wasn't complaining, mind you. Other people's babies all looked exactly the same to me back home, and being around them bored me to tears.

I digress. Pinkie seemed to be reading my mind again, because she yelled from the kitchen, "The Cakes went out for a play, and the twins are with Twilight."
Right, the twins...
The Cakes had shown me pictures of the babies at one point after Pinkie had told me about them. The problem is, baby pictures bore me. Where I'm from, they all look exactly the same, and they never do anything interesting. Also, their puke looks like bird shit, and that just confuses me.

I honestly had to feign interest in the pictures. I would rather have been staring at a rubix cube, because with them you can at least move some parts around. With a baby, if you move its parts around, you get arrested.

Though the babies in this place seemed to look more unique, I still had zero interest in pictures. I could not tell genders because they were fucking babies, and I didn't want to make a guess at that sort of thing, because I am often wrong.

I ended up meeting the Cake twins for the first time the following morning. For whatever reason, they liked to throw food at me when they were toddlers- it would be a habit they carried into their early childhood.

It was honestly as if I blinked, and then I realized something: I was coloring on a place mat with a green crayon absentmindedly- the crayon was one of many sitting in a small box in the center of the table.
I felt a pang of guilt at first, and I quickly put the crayon back before looking down at whatever I'd been drawing.
I felt a smile pull at my lips- I was never a particularly good artist, but even I recognized the pony I was drawing- it was Stevie and Mr. Bear with I and a pink blob. Or, at least, it was big blue stallion resembling blob with small brown blob, red blob, and pink blob. My question was, just who was the pink blob supposed to be? I am almost certain it wasn't Pinkie- last I checked, she didn't have a grey mane.
Was it my Mom? I don't remember how she looked. It felt like it's been an eternity since I last hugged her, much less saw her.

It was then that I noticed Pinkie standing over me with two plates on her back. She was smiling at me while she appraised my work. I wanted to slide a hoof over my scribbles as if to hide them.
"I hope you worked up an appetite, because I made some dinner for us both."
I blinked.
"What did you draw?" she asked cheerfully.
I looked down at my art- if you could call it that.
"I don't rightly no. My brother, and then two blobs."

Pinkie gasped loudly and bucked the plates off her back, where I saw them land safely on the table, making no mess. She was eyeing my drawing intently, then she looked at me, then my drawing, then me...
She grinned.
"It's a beautiful picture!" she said. I blinked.
"You need to get your eyes checked, Pink Menace."
She giggled. "Nope. I have my masters in fine arts. I see a really nice picture and we're going to hang it up on the refrigerator next to the drawing I did of my family!"
She gasped. "Wait! I need to introduce you to them. I already sent them a letter about you. You're going to love them. But first..."
She leaned in to whisper to me, as if we were conspiring against Celestia.
"Are you nervous about school tomorrow? It's not going to be bad. Promise."

I blinked. School was tomorrow? I felt anxiety begin to creep its way into my body, and I wondered for a moment if I could fake being sick or something to avoid it. I dismissed the thought, however. I was going to have to go sooner or later.
She saw the look on my face. "It's going to be okay, Sammy. The Crusaders will be there with you, and you can even make friends with lots of others."
"I wonder if Rares will be there," I whispered to myself. Pinkie blinked.
"No, Rarity will be working a half day tomorrow. After that she is going to the spa with Applejack."
I didn't correct her. In my silence, Pinkie pushed a plate of spaghetti towards me.
"Come on. You need to eat something that is not an apple pie," she said. I looked up at her with an unamused stare. She grinned. "If it helps, I got Rainbow back. When you were out and I was on my break I went to her house and I made the Pinkie Sampler."

There was one glaring problem with that: Rainbow Dash lives in Cloudsdale, which is impossible for an earth pony like Pinkie to stand on. I'm also certain she didn't ask Twilight Sparkle or somepony to cast a spell allowing her to walk on clouds, and I also do not know how she got up there in the first place.
So, of course my question was, "What's the Pinkie Sampler?"
She giggled. "That's my secret. You'll find out soon enough!"
It was said that Rainbow's scream could be heard from Manehattan.

The next morning was a first for me in more than one way. Yeah, there was the whole first day of school thing, but also breakfast.

It was the first time the Cake twins and I would meet- my life had been turbulent recently and apparently the Cakes had a very busy schedule of late, too. As Nightmare Night approached, business skyrocketed. The day before was one of the busiest days of the year. When I got older and helped around the shop from time to time, I was always busy on that particular day.

The toddlers, however, being toddlers, did not have to work. Instead their schedules were jam packed with naps, crying, giggling, eating, and pooping.
Now the babies were staring at me as if I were the very meaning of life itself. Well, one of them was.

I had to fight myself, too. One of them, Pound Cake, started pointing at me with one hoof. Back home, when babies pointed at me, I had this habit of leaning in, and whispering, "Stop snitching, motherfucker."

The other baby was focusing more on a single cheerio with Bobby Fischer like intensity. What I noted then was that one of them was a Pegasus and the other was a Unicorn, like me.

The pointing one looked to its twin and babbled something in babynese, which led to the other one waving dismissively at the intrusion. The cheerio required much more focus apparently.
Pinkie plopped down in a seat next to mine and smiled warmly at me, then at the twins.

"They like you," she said. I took my eyes off them for a moment, at which point I felt something tap me on the side of the head. I looked at the twins, who were smiling at me and giggling, and then I reached into my mane, where I found the bastard cheerio.
"Pound Cake is the pegasus, and Pumpkin is the unicorn. They like to play with food!"
I blinked as the pegasus tossed a bottle at me, which I managed to catch in my magic. Or so I thought.

When I tried to send it back to him, it didn't listen to me. That was when I noticed the unicorn seeming to be more focused than it was on the cheerio. The bottle hovered over my head, and then I was covered in what I could only sincerely hope was not maternal milk.

I sighed while the twins clapped and giggled. The Cakes saw what happened and set about grabbing the babies and scolding them, but they thought me covered in milk was the funniest thing on the planet so a lot of good that did.

I was in the bath cleaning up within a second of asking Mrs. Cake if that was store bought milk. She hesitated, which meant no.

Pinkie was rambling outside the door about what happens when a "mare and a stallion love each other very much," and I heard the babies downstairs crying now. My stomach rumbled, as if to remind me of its current state, but my brain shunned it by reminding me of the fact that I'd very recently been soaked by Mrs. Cake's breast milk.

I didn't eat anything related to dairy for a week.

The clouds had moved in that morning, but there was no rain of yet.

Pinkie had packed a lunchbox and a bag with some paper, a few pencils, and some quills in it. She said it was the saddlebag she used when she was in school, but I kept calling it a backpack.

She was yapping away about how I should make lots of friends and have fun, and then off hoofedly mentioned that she owns the schoolhouse.

When we got to the school, I felt my heart sink a little. This was really happening. I could see children walking in to the schoolhouse and I could hear them chattering among themselves. Resting against the side of the school and locked to a pole was Scootaloo's scooter.

I just barely caught Rares walking in to the schoolhouse, though she did not seem to notice me.

Pinkie pulled me from my thoughts and into a hug, during which I grew tense. She did not take note or did not care, and simply told me to be good, don't do drugs, and eat like a freak.

With that, she turned and began to trot off, humming what I could swear was Scott Joplin's Maple Leaf Rag to herself.
I looked back to the schoolhouse, its open doors seeming to do their best to tempt my entry, then I looked to the street out of town. I was being trusted to enter the school on my own volition.
Come to think of it, I was given free leash when I saw the Crusaders. Everyone trusted me not to run away.

I felt my hooves start towards the road out of town, but I could not bring myself to run. Why would I want to, anyway? I'd been given a home and somepony that seemed to really care about my well being. Several someponies actually. I wasn't being oppressed or anything, so why would I leave?
I stepped towards the school once more, as the first rain drops began to fall.
End of Chapter

These Aliens Still Speak Spanish

View Online

"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."
-Ronald Regan

I felt pride in myself. It was a foreign feeling to me. I'd been so set on anger with myself and my own ignorance and idiocy that I never left time to be proud of my actions. I was proud of myself for not running away. It sounds incredibly stupid to say, but it's how I felt. By entering the school house, it felt as if I had entered a time machine.

The walls were decorated with paintings of young fillies and colts running around and playing. There were a few posters hung up everywhere of popular characters saying positive things to the beholder. There were pictures of "Cheerilee's stars," which were what I assume were her students, and gold stars around them. I saw the Crusaders, but no sign of Rares. Maybe she was with the evening class and just was stopping by to say hello or something? I couldn't remember just then what the schedules were for classes.

I felt a hoof on my shoulder and I jumped a bit. I looked over my shoulder to see an adult mare that looked kind of like a blueberry smoothie to me. Her fur did, at least.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You must be Sam."
I gave a nod. She smiled at me. "I'm your teacher, Miss Cheerilee. It's very nice to meet you."
I gave a fake smile. "Nice to meet you, miss. Should I go into class?"
She shook her head. "We still have a few minutes before we start. I wanted to talk to you for a moment."

I blinked, and she started.

"I'm told that you are new to town, and in addition that you have had some, well, episodes in the past."

I said nothing. She leaned in a bit. "You remember? According to Princess Twilight, you were struck so scared by a party cannon that you yelled, 'Screaming mimi' and dove under a table."

I shrunk back a bit. I remembered being scared, but what was a screaming mimi? Does it hurt?

She gave me a gentle pat on the side.

"I don't mean to stir up bad memories, Sam. I just want you to know that every so often we have parties in class, and that means the occasional loud noise. If I expect there to be some sort of party popper or anything, I will be sure to let you know ahead of time and I will set you up in my office until they have passed."

I blinked, and she looked over my shoulder at the classroom, where the last few students were filing in.
"Know that you can talk to me. My primary concern is the safety and well being of my students. Your education is a distant second to such things."
"Please," I blurted out to her. "Don't tell anypony. Not a soul."
She frowned. "I won't. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

My jaw was screwed shut, else it would have dropped through the floor. Even teachers honored those things? Just how serious were they? I later found out that in Equestrian Court, ponies to be questioned were made to Pinkie Promise that what they were about to say was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help them Pinkie.

She looked over my shoulder again, and smiled at me.

"Now, it's time for class to start. I want you to introduce yourself to the class. Follow me," she said happily.

I walked by her side into the classroom, and for the first time I saw the room I would be spending much of my time in.
It was packed with around twenty kids like me, but most of them had their stupid mark already. They were all talking among themselves except for Rares. She was eyeing me as if her eyes deceived her, and waved excitedly. I waved back sheepishly.
The teacher must have thought I had been waving to the whole class, because she smiled at me before addressing the class.

She took attendance, but for whatever reason skipped over Rares. I didn't stop her to ask about it.

The more I stared at the first pony I really had a connection with here, however, the more off she seemed to me. She paid no mind to any of the others in the class. Only me. Like she only had eyes for me, and I didn't dig that. It was like her eyes were piercing right into my soul.

I felt a poke, and I gasped and jolted to the laughter of the class. Cheerilee gestured towards the class.

"Go on, say a few words about yourself!"

I suddenly felt as if I were on a stage by myself about to put on a one pony show. The class eyed me, and once I didn't begin speaking right away, they began to murmur among themselves. The Crusaders were all rolling a hoof toward themselves as if to get me to open up.

"I, uhh..."

Cheerilee gave me a nod of encouragement.

"Uhh, I... I'm..."

It was then that I just gave up. If I was going to embarrass myself, I might as well own it.

"To hell with it. I'm an alien, and I'm here to suck your brains out."

The class started laughing amongst itself, save for two dimwitted looking colts that were eyeing me in wonder. Even Cheerilee chuckled.

"A comedian! I would expect no less from Pinkie."

I was fortunate so far that none of my cussing was picked up on. The Cakes heard me utter the word "Fuck" once before and thought it was the name of a book.

Fuck: The Novel.

The class settled down, and we were back to quiet for a moment. Thankfully, Cheerilee helped me out.
"Do you have a nickname, Samantha?"
I nodded. "Sammy."
She smiled. "Say hello to Sammy, everypony."

That's what the class did save for the two dimwits in the back, who thought I really was an alien.

We had a brief Q and A. I was asked a few questions about where I came from (I said the middle of Nowhere, which is apparently a real town here), my favorite hobbies (listening to the radio), and my favorite sports team (Yankees; it earned a blank stare from everypony).

It only took a few minutes, but when I was finally told I could take a seat anywhere, I was presented with an option: there was an open seat next to the Crusaders, who were beckoning me towards them, a seat next to Rares, who might as well have been signaling me like she were stranded on an island, and a seat next to the two dipsticks who were having a not so hushed conversation about who was going to be abducted first.

I chose to sit next to Rares, who was sitting on the opposite side of the class from the Crusaders. She grinned at me when I sat next to her, though I swear I saw a frown on Cheerilee's face for a moment. She turned away to the board, but I couldn't help but wonder if Rares had done something to bother her.

At any rate, the eyes of the class fell off me at last. I saw Sweetie Belle scribbling away on a sheet of paper, Scootaloo sending a few subtle glares in my direction, and Applebloom looking at me dejectedly.

Conversely, Rares was really excited. What the hell was the big deal? I saw a seat next to the first filly I really talked to, and took it.

"It's about time you got here, Sam I Am," whispered Rares. "Haven't seen you in a while. You look good!"

I shot a fake smile at her. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself," I whispered. She giggled.

"You got lucky. Not everypony has the privelage of sitting next to me and all my glory," she said. I smiled at her.

"Now class, today we're going to talk about the Elements of Harmony..."

You might think that, given my background, I would have no trouble whatsoever with school. I thought that too at first.
Like most of the time, however, reality decided to stop by and give me a smack in the face.

I found myself scribbling madly on my papers all sorts of tid bits and whoosits about the Elements of Harmony. Apparently they go way beyond Pinkie Pie and her friends.

All I really understood at the time was that they were allegedly formed from a magic tree, or something like that. I didn't ask any questions because I'm an idiot, and seeing everypony else around me participate in the conversation like they were professionals discouraged me. Even the two dimwits knew more about this stuff than I did!

Come to think of it, Rares was the only one other than me who was quiet. Whenever I looked over at her, she had her head down on her arm with an expression of pure boredom on her face.

It didn't last, though. She seemed to light up, and then sat up straight. From then on, whenever Cheerilee was facing the board, she would make funny faces at her back. If she turned to face the class, she pretended to be taking notes.
Nobody else seemed to notice, though. I didn't do much other than smile to myself.

She kept at it, though. Cheerilee was totally oblivious, as was the rest of the class. It felt like Rares was putting on a show just for me. The more time passed, the more ridiculous her faces became. I dared not do the same thing, though, because knowing my luck, Cheerilee would notice my stupid faces, have me sent back to Pinkie's with a note, and then I would be disemboweled by the Pink Menace, turned into candy, or both.

Instead of taking part, I did my best to take notes and listen while Cheerilee droned on, but whenever I felt it getting to be too much I would just look at Rares, who would almost always be making a face funnier than the last.

Cheerilee had talked about the Elements of Harmony for an hour, and then we started talking about the Zebra tribes. Well, she started talking about them at us.

"Zebrican potions are some of the most effective medicines out there. It's why we are lucky to have Zecora out there, everypony. Like many who brew, she is considered a Shamare."

Rares poked me on the arm, and softly sang, "Cha-cha-cha, Charmares!"

I blinked confusedly at her. Nobody else noticed; she was very quiet.

"Needless to say," Cheerilee continued. "We may not be a Zebrican society, but we should still appreciate our resident shamare."

I felt another poke, and looked at Rares again. "Toilet paper?"

I snorted audibly, prompting Cheerilee to stop writing on the chalk board. The class was mostly undisturbed, but a few eyes were on me like I was some kind of weirdo. Scootaloo specifically was eyeing me like I'd grown two heads.

Cheerilee turned to the class, and she eyed me with a frown, but she said nothing. Her frown morphed into a smile as she eyed the class itself.

"How about we have our lunch break now?"

It was weird.

Rares was nowhere to be found. I wondered if Cheerilee knew she was doing all sorts of stuff behind her back. I reasoned she was being held in the class to be spoken to.

It was beautiful out. The air was crisp and the sun was shining. I saw the (words withheld) Crusaders sitting beneath a big oak tree. The two dimwits were sitting by a chain link fence, and a few others were alternating between eating and playing on the playground.

I wasn't even acknowledged by the Crusaders, save for Applebloom- she gave me a wave which I returned. She was the only one that wasn't annoyed at my refusal to sit with them, I guess. Applebloom and I would end up becoming pretty good friends. Just not Scootaloo and Sweetie. Scootaloo and I would develop an enmity that would last into our teen years, and Sweetie Belle and I sometimes worked together with Rarity, but were otherwise going to be neutral towards each other. It wasn't all because of that one refusal of mine, either. It was a combination of different likes and dislikes, rumors spreading through school that were supposedly started by one of us, and basically all around he said/she said bull shit.

It took some growing up from us all to actually become cordial.

Hey, on the plus side, being that you had to be voted into the Crusaders and two of them didn't love me, I was only stuck with crusading with them on a periodic basis. We didn't bury the hatchet for a long while.

Don't tell anypony I said this, but that one time when Scootaloo and I fought, I totally kicked her ass. It wasn't a draw like she'd want you to think, but I digress.

"Hey, you."

I didn't really respond to the new voice beyond my ears flicking. I could hear two ponies approaching me, and I had to turn to them.

One was a light pink earth pony who was producing this "holier than thou" aura. Next to her was a silver looking pony with these hideous glasses, and they were both eyeing me like I was dirt underhoof.

"You're new, so let me set this straight for you, blank flank," said the pink one. "I'm Diamond Tiara, and when I address you, you will answer right away, is that clear?"

"Yeah!" chimed in the other one, who I would learn was named Silver Spoon.

God, I can't make these names up.

"So, what are you supposed to be?" snarked Diamond.

"Told you before. Brain sucking alien. Still looking for a brain worthy to be eaten."

"Still being a comedian," sighed the silver one.

"We're going to have to teach you a lesson, blank flank."

The two advanced a step each on me, and I felt my body shift into what I hoped resembled a proper fighting stance.

"Sammy," said Diamond.

I didn't respond. A friendly smile grew on her face. "I'm just kidding."

She and the other one began to giggle, and the tension instantly dissapated.
"We haven't tried the bully routine in ages. Couldn't resist!"

"Yeah," chuckled the silver one. "Name's Silver Spoon." (See?)

They each held out a hoof to me, which I uncertainly bumped with my own.

"No hard feelings?" they asked.

I shook my head. "You uh, had me going there."

They grinned. I spared a look at the Crusaders, who were talking among themselves.

I felt one of the two fake bullies guide me over to a tree.

"C'mon, Sammy. Sit with us while you eat."

The lunch Pinkie packed me that morning consisted of an egg salad sandwich, a small bag full of candies that looked like mint leaves, and a thermos of orange juice that had been enchanted to stay cool for me.

My favorite part was the note she scribbled for me. It reminded me of what my Mommy used to do. I couldn't keep the smile off my face when I read it, simple though it was.

Sammy,

I hope you are having a nice day and making lots of friends! Remember though, learning is important too. Trust me, I am a licensed teacher, after all. Cheerilee is much better at it though!

I left you a few mint candies too, but be sure to eat the sandwich first, missy. I bet you didn't need to be told that though. You're very well behaved, which makes me think you're planning something suspicious...

...you're plotting to take over Equestria, aren't you? Have you been plotting with Angel Bunny? Gummy? (over)

I turned the note over, my smile growing a bit more while the two I was sitting with munched away on their lunches.

Wait!!! I just remembered, Mrs. Cake says she is really super duper incredibly sorry for what happened earlier. She is making a special dinner tonight just for you.

Say, are you feeling alright? I can't help but think that you don't feel 100%. You seem like you need a smile. Or at least a big hug. You seem somewhat distant, and I just want you to know that if there is anything on your mind, you can certainly come talk to me.

I want you to let me know how school was when you come back today too, and I want you to be sure to have made at least one friend! Friends are important, and Twilight being the Princess of Friendship... not making friends is like treason if you tilt your head and don't think about it at all! (over)

I blinked, and turned the note over again uncertainly. To what should have been my surprise, the wording on the front was different.
I have a surprise for you too when you get back today, Sammy. Don't worry either, it's nothing bad. Surprises can't be bad. That's one of the first laws of Pinkie. Surprises legally can not be bad and the ones that are are not really surprises. Trust me, I have a masters in legal studies.

I think this note may be going on a bit long now, but it's all important information, and I am thinking of you. Have fun at school and be the pinkiest you can be too!

Love, the Pink Menace

I couldn't do anything other than smile.

The rest of the day came and went. When we finished our break, I once more sat with Rares, and we all took some time to write a short work of fiction. Mine was about the last pony on the planet sitting alone in a room, and there was a knock on the door.

We would read ours to the class the next day. The one I remember most vividly was Scootaloo's, considering she wrote hers about me and my adventures with the crusaders. She changed my name to Pammy, though, and made sure to make me as idiotic in the story as possible.

I got her back a week in when I filled her locker with flour. Even she begrudgingly admitted it was a good prank. This was still before either of us really came to blows.

When I opened the door to Sugarcube Corner after School, I was nearly blasted backward by the smell of sweets. My stomach took notice and growled, but I still didn't want to eat anything. I was remembering the incident with the twins, who were greeting me by holding their hooves out from a few high chairs while babbling.

I translated their gestures to, "Ready for round two, motherfucker?"

"Hey, Sammy's back!" called Mr. Cake. I did not respond. I only eyed the twins, and I swear I saw evil in those eyes.

That was when I noticed a pair of blue eyes peering over the counter. She had a chef's hat on and looked like a ghost.

At speeds rivaling Dash, she launched herself from behind the counter and closed the distance between us, wrapping me in a hug.

I found myself sneezing in rapid fire, because it turned out she was covered in flour.

She gasped, and vanished upstairs for literally three seconds. I heard water running, what I assumed was a motor vehicle backfiring, and then she was back downstairs good as new.

"Well? How was it? Did you make friends? Did your friends make friends back with you? Did you like your lunch? Ooh! How was your day all in all?"

I blinked. Pinkie was eyeing me like I held all the government secrets in existence.

"I uhh... I sat with a friend I made not long before we met. I also spoke with two others who fake bullied me for about twenty seconds. Thank you for your note, too. It made me smile."

Pinkie looked like she was about to lift off into the air like a wingless pegasus.

"Pinkie. Don't bust a gut. I don't think that would be good for business."

She seemed to calm down a bit, but her eyes widened and she opened her mouth to say something.

"Pinkie, you're fine. Your guts will remain unbusted," called Mr. Cake from the kitchen. She visibly relaxed, and was then back to her normal self.

"Tell me about the friend you sat next to!"

I smiled again. Rares was someone I wouldn't get tired of talking about quickly. I told her no, there was no relation to her Rarity. For the record, I did think that Pinkie and Rarity had an unspoken romance. That only kept up until I met Pinkie's out of town stallion friend, Cheese Sandwich.

I had a habit of calling him either Gene or Willy, even after he and Pinkie married. It depended on the day. He just looked like Willy Wonka to me. Who is Willy Wonka? I don't rightly know. I was raised by Pinkie Pie, so what do you want from me?

Right, Rares. I told Pinkie all about Rares and her sense of humor. I told her that she was a unicorn who blew into town not long before me. Pinkie seemed puzzled while I explained. She prides herself on knowing everypony in Ponyville, and her Pinkie Sense didn't go off, nor did she ever see Rares and/or her mom in town before. I also told her that Cheerilee didn't seem to care for her much either. She never once called on her and Rares herself only seemed to have eyes for me during class.

Come to think of it, none of the other students seemed to notice her or anything. I was the only one. She didn't seem to care about the others either.

I should have considered that a red flag right then and there. Pinkie, however, told me that she wanted me to bring Rares over by the end of the week if I could. I liked the idea. Rares was a good pony. It would be nice to spend time with her.

Maybe I could hear what was going on from her. Why was she hiding from everypony? Or at least, why did it seem that way?

Pinkie broke me from my thoughts again by asking if I had any homework. Tonight was one of the rare nights Cheerilee assigned some homework, though it was just to finish the short stories we were writing in class if we didn't already. There were only two who didn't finish. They spent most of the time debating on when I was going to call down the mothership to abduct everyone.

You might think I'm kidding about that. I'm not.

Pinkie gasped again long and loud, which is saying something for a Pink Menace like her. Something twinkled in her eyes and she grinned at me again.

"Remember I said I had a surprise for you?"

"Eep," I responded.

Her grin somehow widened. "It's upstairs."

"Eep," I repeated.

"Close your eyes," she instructed.

"I'm good," I squeaked out.

For a moment Pinkie's grin weakened, but it returned in force. She was gone in a flash out the door. I swear I could hear a cat yowling and something crashing outside, as well as an old mare yelling, "What in tarnation?"
She was back again within seconds, or so it seemed, this time with a blindfold in hoof.

I was led up the stairs by Pinkie with the blindfold on. No, I didn't put it on willingly. Pinkie just used her Pinkie Powers on me.

I could practically feel her grin, but I wasn't sharing it. I kept feeling like a prisoner of war being sent to my execution. If only Pinkie knew. She probably would have taken the blindfold off. Or would have shot me right then and there. That would have been a hell of a plot twist.

"Are you ready?" she squealed. I shivered a little. What if I was about to be thrown off a cliff or something to weaken me so Gummy could devour me or something?

Before I could voice any sort of response, Pinkie pulled the blindfold from my eyes. Slowly, I opened them up. It didn't stop me from biting my lower lip though. Slowly, I creaked my eyes open.

I was standing before the door to the room I had been staying in since Pinkie found me. At first, I figured the surprise she had for me was behind the door.

I figured out I was wrong when I reached for the doorknob. Towards the top of the door was a wooden plaque with my name on it.

Sammy

My blood ran cold while I stared at it. I could feel Pinkie's gaze boring into me while I tried to register what I was seeing. My lips quivered, as if I were trying to say something. Finally, I looked at Pinkie.
She was smiling at me, though I saw a hint of anxiety in her eyes.

"I know it's not much, but I want you to see this place as your house too. Not just my house. Do you like it?"

My answer was in leaping towards her, wrapping her in a hug.

She giggled, but returned my hug and held me. "I guess that's a yes, huh?"

I couldn't speak. I knew I was going to cry if I tried. All I did was nod in her fur. I never knew something so simple to be so profound to me before.

We stayed like that for a long while.

The rest of my week was interesting, to say the least. We ended up reading our stories before the class the next day, but Rares was not there. She seemed to get out of the story time, because when she did come to class the next day, Cheerilee didn't even acknowledge her.

When Rares wasn't there, I spent time sitting with the Crusaders for the first half of class. Scootaloo kept throwing paper at me and I back at her. The rest of the day I sat with Diamond Tiara and that other one. I remember Cheerilee smiling at me that day, as if in approval. I didn't do anything though.

There was also the first time Scootaloo and I almost came to blows over the best baseball team. She's a huge fan of the Red Manes, which is an answer I consider incorrect because the Yankees. I triggered Scootaloo by mentioning the Yankees, and she triggered me by asking who they even were. She shoved me, I shoved her, tempers rose... the whole thing got stopped before it went out of control by the mailmare dropping a bag of mail between us.

She was a grey pegasus and she didn't even slow down. She just kept flying and was none the wiser. Scootaloo and I just sort of stared at the bag for a second, looked at each other puzzled, and then the bell rang.

The week went on and when I did manage to corner Rares, I asked her if she wanted to come to Sugarcube Corner with me. She was hesitant at first, but I managed to convince her.

I also got my results back from the test the doctors did on my skin, and they gave me a clean bill of health which is nice. They said the skin was just scarring and was harmless.

Shame that wasn't my main problem. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I didn't invite Rares over. It probably would have saved me some grief. However, that's not how things turned out.

Rares dragged her feet when I lead her back to Sugarcube Corner at the end of the week. She wasn't really responding to my assurances that she would like Pinkie and the sweets they had there. She seemed kind of bummed out, actually.

When I asked she wouldn't answer, but I figured she would tell me whatever was eating her when she was ready.

I remember how I introduced Sugarcube Corner to her. I stood beside the door and in my best showmare voice said, "Presenting Sugarcube Corner."

I opened the door for her, but she looked kind of panicked. It piqued my curiosity, and I looked into the bakery fully expecting Pinkie to just be standing right in front of the door like she does most Wednesdays.

I was stunned when, instead of that, I saw Pinkie, the Cakes, and Ms. Cheerilee sitting at a table with a chair vacant next to Pinkie.

"Sammy," said Cheerilee. "We need to talk."
End of Chapter

A Clock Chimes

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"Loneliness is a slow acting but fatal poison."
-A troubled man

My birth parents never told me they were "disappointed" in me. If I did something to earn ire I would get sent out to the tree in the backyard to pick my own switch. I got sent out to that tree so often it was just a stump by the time I was done with it.

Hearing that request from my parents always sent a wilting feeling down my spine. Not because I fucked up, mind you. I would be horrified because it was equal parts a mind punishment as well as a physical one. You couldn't just bring in a twig because you get sent right back out. Likewise, you can't bring in a huge branch because it will probably break your spine. It's why I hated the kids down the block from me. Whenever they screwed up, they would be sent to their rooms for a "time out." I never understood back then what part of "I'm disappointed in you" was so debilitating to kids.

Seeing Pinkie Pie's mane drooping down over a shoulder and the look of utter sadness she had on her face, however, spoke volumes. For some reason, seeing such turmoil in the eyes of my adoptive family hurt me much worse than a switch ever could.

Well, mentally at least. Not a lot hurts more than being hit in the sun burn with a branch you missed a few loose splinters on.

"Please, sit," instructed Cheerilee. I looked over my shoulder at Rares. She was no longer in the doorway.
Hesitantly, I walked towards the open seat. Pinkie was eyeing me with more disappointment than when she found out I had lied about knowing Applejack.

Everyone was silent for a few moments when I sat. I could feel my ears drooping.
"Did I do something wrong?" I whispered. Cheerilee was the one who responded.
"Sammy, it's important that you know that you aren't in trouble. None of us are mad at you. Just a little disappointed and concerned."

I said nothing, instead looking over at the doorway again. I could see Rares' eyes peering past one side of it.
"You have every right to sit where you want to sit," continued Ms. Cheerilee. "So long as you take notes and pay attention."
"I do," I said lowly. If anything, I needed to ask for a new notebook soon. Mine was rapidly filling up not just with what Cheerilee lectured, but even many tidbits she would mention off hoof about Equestria.

"I know you do. The problem isn't your notetaking. The problem is, you're not really talking with any of your fellow classmates. Yes, I saw you sit with the crusaders and two others once, but you spend the majority of your time, it seems, by yourself."

Now, I was confused. "By myself?"
Cheerilee nodded. "Like I said, you can sit wherever you like, but I was just hoping you might start to sit with the other foals more often. Being alone all the time is not healthy."
"You said you were going to bring a friend over today," Pinkie said softly.
I looked up at her, then back at Cheerilee. What the hell is going on?
"But I do sit with somepony," I protested. Cheerilee shook her head.
"Just once in a while is not enough to form a friendship. You need to sit with them more."
I shook my head now. "No, not them. I'm talking about Rares."
Cheerilee blinked at me. "I'm sorry?"

"I have been sitting with Rarity literally every day save for the one time she was out. What are you talking about?"
I could actually see clarity enter Cheerilee's eyes, but it was quickly replaced by the disapproving look again.
"Sammy, it's okay to have an imaginary friend, but-"
"No!" I shouted, slamming a hoof on the table. "She's not imaginary. Knock it off. I can prove she's real."
Cheerilee simply eyed me silently, and then looked at Pinkie for a moment.
"She's right outside. She's here. I just have to go get her."
I smiled at Pinkie. "I'll show you. Just let me go get her, okay? She's just outside the door."

The silence was all the answer I needed. I stood up, but was not asked to sit back down. They were going to humor me.
"I'm not some stupid foal with an imaginary friend," I grumbled as I made for the door. "How dare you make such an assumption."

When I reached the door, I found Rares starting to walk away while whistling innocently.
"Hey!" I called after her. "Come back. I need to talk to you for a minute."
She jolted at my voice, and grinned nervously at me. "I would love to, but I just remembered I have this thing. I need to uhh... do my homework! Yeah!"

"There was no homework today," I said plainly.
"No, I mean homework! Like... work at home. Because that makes sense!"
I chuckled nervously over my shoulder at the ponies. They were eyeing me with the same look as before. That would change very soon.
"One moment," I said to them, and then I approached Rares.

"Will you just come here already?" I growled. I ended up having to drag her to the door while she spouted every excuse in the book as to why she had to leave. Let's just say I wasn't listening. I didn't need the Element of Honesty to know bullshit when I heard it.

Her protests were for naught, because I finally managed to push her past the threshold of Sugarube Corner. I proudly presented my trophy to everypony after shutting the door behind me.
"See? This is Rarity. My first friend."
I smiled at Pinkie. "I told you I made a friend. She's a good friend. I met her when I first got here. I'm glad I could bring her here."
I looked over at Rares. "Well? Say something."
She looked at everyone. I could see sweat on her face. She didn't say a word and instead settled for waving a hoof uneasily. I looked proudly at the table again.

"I bet you feel silly now. How do you forget one of your students?" I asked Cheerilee.
I felt a sense of dread when I saw their faces. They didn't look happy to see my friend, and they didn't look relieved that I settled the misunderstanding. Come to think of it, they still looked really disappointed. The Cakes looked downright alarmed.

"Sammy," said Pinkie.
"There's nopony there," finished Ms. Cheerilee.
I felt as if I had been hit by a train. My body tensed up and I looked at Rares, who looked completely dejected.
I only stared at her. I didn't even look at the table when I heard hooves clop to the floor and approach me.
I didn't even flinch when Mrs. Cake put a hoof on my head.
"What they meant to say is you can play with her all you like. You two see her friend. Right?"
I didn't look up, but I could feel Mrs. Cake glaring at them. "Right?"
I heard Ms. Cheerilee agree, but say that it is better if I hung out with her after school instead.
I said nothing, though my lower lip, ajar, quivered. I tried to say something, but...
I put a hoof out to her and sure as I was standing there, my hoof went right through. Hadn't I actually touched her once before though?
She just faded away before me, looking sadder than I had ever seen anyone before, and believe me- I've seen sadness before.

"Sammy?"
My hoof remained outstretched at where Rares was. What did this mean of my first meeting with her? When I thought back, it started to occur to me: when we walked and talked, didn't the ponies in town give us a wide berth?
Could it have been because they just thought me crazy?

"Sam?"
I felt the room spinning around me. This wasn't right. None of this was right.
I hit my head pretty good on the way down.

I was unconscious for an hour or two, and when I came to I was in the room afforded to me. I stayed on the bed for a while after that, sprawled out and staring at the ceiling in thought.

They had to be in on it. I'm sure Rares is real. She exists! Maybe she was using some kind of spell and what I brought back to Sugarcube Corner was an illusion?

Downstairs was quiet and I didn't have six ponies standing over me. Additionally, I didn't seem to be bound to the bed or anything.
I was going to demand an answer from Rares at school next time I...
My eyes widened. Oh, no. I was going to have to see Cheerilee at school.
I smacked myself in the face. I was going to have to see the Cakes and Pinkie when I went downstairs. I shot a look at the window of the room. To my dismay, it was still barred off. Though I knew the bars were decorative, I still felt imprisoned.
It was one of the only times I really hid in the room they let me use.

My heart felt heavy, and I could feel tears trying to find their way into my eyes, but to no avail. I barely moved on the bed for a long while, instead opting to stare out of the window. The clouds had rolled in and a rainstorm was brewing.
I tried to close my eyes again. Maybe I could fall asleep or something. I was pretty hungry, but so what? I didn't have the courage to go downstairs, so sleep could be my dinner.

I think I was beginning to drift off when I heard the door open gently. I cracked open one eye to spot the intruder.
She smiled gently at me. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry, Sammy."
I said nothing. Pinkie approached the bed and sat next to me. For a few moments she was silent as well.
"It's okay, Sammy. It's okay to have a friend like that. We just want you to make more."
"You don't get it," I muttered. "She's not real to me. She's real. That's all."

Pinkie said nothing while I sat up in bed. "I met her when I first got to town. She walked around with me."
I smiled a bit. "I remember telling her a few stories and she did the same. Funny stories."
"Did you tell her a funny story about a dead snake and the filly's room?"
My eyes widened slightly. "Yes, how did you know that?"

Pinkie was quiet for a few seconds. Or was it minutes? She put her arm around me and pulled me towards her.
"Fluttershy overheard you. She says you were very animated when you told the story."
I felt a bit of hope blossom in my chest, as well as dread.
"So, there you go," I said. "Proof that Rares is a real pony, and Cheerilee just has it out for her."
Pinkie's mane began to deflate, as did my hope.
"Sammy, do you remember if she was in the bathroom while you told the story?"
What difference did it make? I shook my head. "She was with me the whole time."

Pinkie let out a sad sigh. "Fluttershy said you were standing beside a door to the mare's room telling the story, but there was nopony with you. She figured you were telling it to a friend in the toilet."
Any hope that had found its way to life in my heart was dashed.
She looked at me. "You were alone when you told that story."
At first, I could say nothing. I only shook my head so slightly back and forth while I stared at her. Rares was my best friend. My only friend at the time.

Pinkie was about to say something to me when I finally responded. "No," I whispered.
She was silent, and I pulled away from her. "No," I said louder. "I said no. She's real. Fluttershy is mistaken. Maybe she was in the bathroom! I- I..."
I looked down at my front hooves. "She can't be fake."
Pinkie picked me up and cradled me with my head under her chin. "Why don't you tell me what's really going on, Sammy?"
End of Chapter

Will Ye No Come Back Again?

by Judge Holden

Prologue

Cowards Die Many Times

The Moment After

Filly on the Hill

You've Got Mail

A Filly Cries

Loyalty

Saving Private Stone

A Flag Draped Casket

Paradoxes And Oxymorons

Sam Battles The Pink Menace

Nocturnal Admissions With Sam Stone

Sam Battles The Pink Menace Again

To Make A Long Story Short

Ward of the Crown

The Faintastic Filly

Screaming Sammy

Culture Shock

Taking the A Train

Sammy is Forgetful

Gummy Madness

The First Day

These Aliens Still Speak Spanish

A Clock Chimes