Equestrian Fugitive

by AnonymousWriter

Chapter 4: Strange Behaviour...

Night was approaching the castle, looking up at them, the sun was barely visible now, as the moon began to rise. The darkness of the tall structure loomed over him.

He walked through the massive golden doors he had walked through so many times before. But something really amazing happened. Princess Celestia was walking through the halls directly at him.

He tried not to scream in excitement as he kept a straight face. She was one metre away from him. He could feel her hair radiate, it made him feel that she was powerful.

He bowed to her and said "Princess, it is an honour to meet you for the first time.". Princess Celestia smiled and said "It is an honour to meet you as well, Night. But there are things we have to discuss." Celestial voice changed to a colder tone.

"So I have heard that you are the guard who is watching The despicable creature, am I correct?" Princess Celestia had asked Night.

"Yes, your majesty." Night had replied with. Night had actually began to think that the other Ponies were being slightly harsh on the creature that was captured.

"Well I must announce to you that if that criminal ever releases information to you, directly inform me at the time your shift ends." She then replied back.

"Has he said anything to you?" Celestia asked Night.

Night was about to say everything that the creature had done and told him, when a he started to disagree in his head about the dean of telling him.

"Well?" Celestia asked with boredom and a hurrying manor.

"No, your majesty, it has not released any information at all. But if he does, where would I let you know?" Night asked.

"The place where I usually am, my throne room." She answered.

"Good luck guarding the creature Night." She said after.

And with that, she walked off as if nothing had happened. Night stood there, realising that he had just spoken to probably the most powerful being in all of Equestria.

He then started silently cheering and ran up to solitary confinement, still cheering silently.

His cheering stopped. He saw that the creature was in a bad state.

"Are you okay?" Night decided to ask.

The creature stayed silent. It turned around and looked at him, like a deer in headlights he turned around while screaming as if he had had his limbs torn off.

"FUCKING HORSES EVERYWHERE, I FUCKING HATE THEM. HATE HATE HATE HATE HA-" Then suddenly, as if it was struck by lightning, he fell on the floor and passed out.

Night galloped out of the room calling out for help, as for all, he needed to help him.

Night had started to notice things. Some things that to him were not right. Everything he had been witnessing. The talk with the princess, the way she said to speak to her if he said the slightest thing to tell her immediately. The way she spoke gave him chills.

Then there was the fugitive. What had they done to him that day? What did they do to make him scream like that?

Everything he was experiencing was strange.

And he was going to get to the bottom of it.

Author's Note:

This chapter was extremely short. It was originally double the size that it is now. The next part will be out soon. Have a good day/night/evening/morning!

Comments

[Lorddrakefox]

This might be just me, but the chapters seem really short over all, and hardly any content to bite into, the concept seems interesting.
Personally I would rather have to wait a little longer for longer chapters, with more content, than a lot of short ones, that hardly gives anything.
But then again thats just me, and I'm looking forward to were this leads though.

[Huk]

OK, I am not a professional writer (unless you count C#, SQL and JS as 'purple prose' ) and english is not my native language - but, I will try some constructive criticism here anyway:

1. First of all - if you haven't already - I urge you to read Ezn's story writing guide mentioned in the FAQ - his page is currently down, but here is a link to the archived version:

http://web.archive.org/web/20160304174049/http://eznguide.neocities.org/

I know it's rather lengthy, but it's worth it! It contains many explanation on how to write and what to avoid.

2. As others already said - try more 'showing' than 'telling', again Ezn's guide (and stories) is your friend.

3. Here is a quote from the guide: 'New speaker, new paragraph' - so avoid putting the dialog of two characters in single paragraph, for example the start of 'Chapter 3':

"You came pretty late huh?" The creature said. "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing." Night said. "I have no clue what you are talking about." The creature said. "Now tell me the story." Night said. "Ok ok. Here I go."

Something like that is hard to read, and you can easily lost track of who is saying what - I read a few good stories constructed like that and it was simply pain in the long run, fortunately - this is easily fixable:

"You came pretty late huh?" the creature said.

Night responded, "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing."

"I have no clue what you are talking about," The creature said.

"Now tell me the story," Night said.

"Ok ok. Here I go."

4. Try some action tags and more vivid dialog description instead of the boring he / she said. Again, this is explained in the guide but for example - the above dialog could look like this:

"You came pretty late huh?" the creature said with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Night was gasping for air after all the running. "Yeah I know right? It wa- oh I know what you are doing."

"I have no clue what you are talking about," the creature responded calmly, and sat down on his filthy prison bed.

Night took his notepad and sat down on one of the chairs using another as a makeshift table. "Now tell me the story," he said in orderly voice and then took the pencil in his mouth.

"Ok ok. Here I go."

Of course - the above is just a quick and dirty example - and may contain errors, also - some people prefer dialog to be brief, and may not like long action tags, but you can't please everyone.

5. Try to write monologue of single character into one paragraph, for example in 'Chapter 4':

"Well I must announce to you that if that criminal ever releases information to you, directly inform me at the time your shift ends." She then replied back.

"Has he said anything to you?" Celestia asked Night.

Why not write the above like this instead:

"Well I must announce to you that if that criminal ever releases information to you, directly inform me at the time your shift ends," she then replied back. "Has he said anything to you?"

By that - you reduce redundant information, makes it easier to read and easier to follow 'New speaker, new paragraph' rule.

6. Avoid redundancy sentences and words:

Example 1:

"Silence. That was all there was. Nothing else, just silence."

Usually something more brief is enough:

"When I woke up, at first there was only silence"

(please note - this is my own interpretation, and since I myself am not a professional writer - the above may not be the best example - but...)

Example 2:

I went back down the tree and took a five minute hike backwards and stopped at a random place and raked some leaves with my hands and started cutting a tree with my machete and grabbed the logs from the tree to form a campfire. I was next to a small freshwater pond where I could gather freshwater and stay hydrated.

Try to restructure the above to use less 'and' words - to many 'ands' makes it hard to read - try to use more commas and dashes instead.

Example 3:

He walked through the massive golden doors he had walked through so many times before. But something really amazing happened. Princess Celestia was walking through the halls directly at him.

Again, the word 'through' is used three times here.

I hope this helps

[AnonymousWriter]

7905809 wow. Thank you so much! That is actually a really good idea. TYSM

[Huk]

7907112

No problem - one update though, it would appear that newest version of the guide is posted on Fimfiction itself now:

https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide

So it's probably better to read that version instead the one I linked to.

One thing to keep in mind though: writing something is easy, but writing something that is well structured, interesting and non-cliche is HARD - so don't be discouraged if people claim that your story 'sucks', but try to improve your writing instead