Chapter 5
"Apple Bloom!" Applejack exclaimed, galloping up the Ponyville street towards them. "Oh thank Celestia, yer safe!"
Spike moved out of the way as Applejack ran past, scooping her kid sister up into a hug.
"Aww, Applejack, ah'm sorry if ah made you nervous," Apple Bloom said.
"Nervous?" Applejack stepped backwards, pulling back to look the filly in the eyes. "Try terrified! Where in tarnation have you been?"
"It's a long story," Twilight cut in. "The important thing is that she and Scootaloo are safe now, as is Spike."
"Yeah, but…" Scootaloo began, throwing a glance back in the direction of the Everfree Forest.
"What is it?" Applejack asked.
"Sweetie Belle is missin'!" Applebloom sobbed.
...Because of me, Spike added, guilt coursing through his little dragon body. Because I failed Rarity. He crossed his arms over his chest, unable to look Applejack in the eye.
Twilight took a careful step forward. "We need to organize a search party. We think she went after Rarity."
Applejack put a protective hoof around Apple Bloom. "This is terrible. Jus' terrible. Where was Rarity headed anyway?" Applejack asked.
"To the other side of the Everfree Forest," Spike explained, wincing. "She was supposed to go alone, but I'm pretty sure Sweetie Belle followed her. And it gets worse. Rarity was supposed to have guards meet her, but now—"
"But now it seems they aren't coming," Twilight finished. Spike felt a tremor of panic go through him, glad that Twilight at least had her senses about her to explain things properly. "Listen, Applejack," the mare continued. "It really is a long story and just now got even more complicated. We need to gather everypony together. I'll explain everything then. We have a job to do."
Applejack nodded. "If you say so, Twah'light," she replied, nodding firmly. "Ah'll round up the girls and we'll meet at yer place in a jiffy."
"Thank you," Twilight said.
Spike watched as Applejack walked off back through Ponyville. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo followed her, their shoulders still droopy. In turn, Spike trailed Twilight to their library, with Peewee following him. The atmosphere was solemn, even as everypony else in town went about their business as usual.
Twilight walked with an air of calm that Spike could only wish to emulate. He had no idea what Twilight was planning, but by the look in her eyes she'd put together some sort of idea in her brain already. Usually he found that reassuring, but knowing Rarity was out there, in danger, without the help she was meant to have…Spike didn't feel very reassured by anything at the moment.
"Twilight, do you think Rarity's okay?" Spike asked. He couldn't help himself.
Twilight hesitated, and Spike's face paled even through his purple scales. Oh Celestia, she doesn't, Spike realized. She doesn't think she's okay.
Twilight looked at the dragon, her eyes a bit wide. "I'm sure she's fine," Twilight said with far more confidence than Spike knew she must really have. Twilight wasn't as bad as Applejack, but she still wasn't the best liar in Equestria, by any stretch of the imagination.
"And I'm sure Sweetie Belle is fine, too," Twilight said, continuing towards the library. "But all the same, we really should hurry."
At least on that, Spike could agree. Twilight picked up her pace, and Spike walked as fast as his little feet could move to keep up with the mare. His legs protested at the speed, exhausted from the night before and all the walking he'd been doing recently, but Spike moved them quickly anyway. If I was a bigger dragon, this would be easier, Spike sighed to himself as they reached the library and went inside. Twilight walked straight through the first room, past the bookshelves, while Spike leaned against the wall inside, panting a bit. As fast as he could run, it would never be as fast as Twilight or the others. He was just too small. Too small.
Too small to help Rarity? a little voice nagged him from the back of his mind. You don't have to be. You know how to grow bigger.
Spike slammed a fist against the wall behind him.
No. No way. He'd never grow like that again. He'd never grow so fast that he forgot everyone and everything he cared about. He wouldn't.
Spike looked down at his two small feet under his baby fat belly. All the same…it'd be nice to at least grow a little. Situations like this just highlighted how tired he was of being treated like a child and continually looking like one, too. He couldn't remember the last time his height had changed.
Well, other than that one awful day.
Spike clenched and unclenched his fists. He watched Twilight race around the library, gathering materials. They'd grown up together, him and her. Somehow, though, Twilight had grown way more than he had.
Spike narrowed his eyes. Stop it, Spike, he told himself. Better to not grow at all than to turn into some kind of monster again. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe us dragons just age loads slower than ponies.
But there was still the matter of his bizarre birthday growth spurt. Spike shook his head, leaving the wall and walking up the library stairs where Peewee had flown earlier. He didn't have time for these thoughts. He needed to pack.
"A pleasure to properly meet you, Lord Ma'Ganette," Rarity said, dipping her head out of respect. A duke? She'd had no idea. Next to her in the meadow, her sister bowed slightly, too, just a brief moment after Rarity did.
The sea serpent put a hand to his cheek, turning and blushing. "Oh, no need to be so formal! I consider you a friend! Please, call me Stef'an," he insisted.
Rarity smiled, glancing back up at him. "Very well, then, Ste'fan," she said. "I'm ever so honored to be in the company of such a high ranking official such as yourself." She kept her face pleasant, despite wanting to wince in horror as she realized what the state of coat and mane must be. She had been sleeping in the grass, after all. Rarity was also fairly certain she still had mud on her face from the Everfree Forest, as well. Oh dear. "Please excuse my appearance, and that of my sister," Rarity apologized. "We've been traveling, you see, and had we known we'd be meeting a duke, we would of course of tidied ourselves up for the occasion."
"Rarity?" Sweetie Belle asked, as Stef'an Ma'Ganette scoffed at the mere suggestion that Rarity didn't look anything less than fabulous.
"Yes, Sweetie?" Rarity asked.
"Uh…how exactly do you know the Duke of Sea Serpentia?" Sweetie Belle blinked up at her sister.
"Why, she rescued me from a terrible fate, of course!" Stef'an replied for Rarity.
"You did?" Sweetie Belle asked, raising a surprised eyebrow.
It was Rarity's turn to feign embarrassment. "Oh now, really, Stef'an, it wasn't all that much," she said, waving a hoof towards the sea serpent.
"Oh it was, it was!" Stef'an insisted. "Why, without you, I would've been half-mustached for goodness knows how long! How could I face anyone in the Royal Court like that?"
"Half-mustached?" Sweetie Belle asked, looking up at Stef'an's fully-mustached face.
"Oh yes, it was a tragic tale," Stef'an said. "I'll never forget that day. A little cloud of smoke came rushing at me from out of nowhere, and suddenly, poof! Half of my glorious mustache was gone! Torn! Oh, cruel, cruel fate!" Stef'an put the back of his hand to his forehead, dramatically.
Rarity's heart swelled for the serpent. A tragic tale, indeed.
"But then!" Stef'an gasped, turning his claw out as if he was peering into the distance. "From the mists of the forest, came a savior! This lovely young mare," he said, gesturing to Rarity with gratitude in his eyes. "She most graciously offered me her tail in place of my missing mustache, and ever since that day, I have sung her praises to all the high courts of Sea Serpentia! A pony! A pony who understands the important things in life!"
"You gave him your tail?" Sweetie Belle asked, her voice squeaking in surprise. "I don't remember you ever being tail-less!"
Rarity laughed, actually and truly embarrassed by that point. "Oh, Sweetie, it—it grew back fairly quickly."
"But why did you give him your tail?" Sweetie asked next. "I mean, I get not wanting to walk around with half a mustache," she said, looking up at Stef'an. "But why not just shave the other half off, so both sides can grow back in together, evenly?"
"Why…why…" Stef'an gaped at the filly.
Rarity's eyes flew open wide. "Sweetie Belle! Do you hear yourself, young lady? To lose just one half of such a magnificent mustache was bad enough, but to even suggest losing both halves! You…you cannot be serious!"
"No, she cannot!" Stef'an agreed.
Sweetie Belle looked mildly terrified, as both the sea serpent and her big sister glared down at her. She winced. "Well…it's good that I…wasn't serious, then. Right? Didn't you get the joke? I was just joking," she covered quickly.
Rarity watched her sister carefully. She obviously hadn't been joking, but she did at least have the good graces to act as if she was, for Stef'an's sake. That was a start, at least. While Sweetie Belle's suggestion had been perfectly reasonable, the filly clearly had no idea of how much a mustache mattered to Stef'an's self-identity. It seemed that Sweetie Belle needed a lesson in the art of sensitivity at some future date. Rarity filed that thought away, looking up at Stef'an and hoping her sister's slip-up hadn't completely ruined their rapport.
"A joke?" Stef'an asked slowly. "Oh, a joke! I see! Well, that's entirely different, then!" he said, scooping Sweetie Belle up and giving her a noogie. "What a wonderful gift! Having such a sense of humor!" He laughed, and Rarity couldn't help but laugh a little, too. However, her laughter was more out of relief and amusement at Sweetie Belle's uncomfortable expression as her mane got tousled by a giant reptile.
Nice save, Sweetie Belle, Rarity thought to herself in approval.
Stef'an Ma'Ganette set a dizzy-looking Sweetie Belle back down on the ground and beamed at Rarity. "I do ever so like your sister! She's more than welcome to join us on our trip back to my home waters!"
Rarity blanched a bit. Sweetie Belle, on her assigned mission to stop a war? Rarity went completely still, processing the idea. She could see no way this would end well.
"Great!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed, using one hoof to straighten out her mane. The filly grinned at Rarity.
Rarity held back a groan, doing her best to maintain an air of sophistication around the duke. Stopping this war depended on her making a good impression on the sea serpents and later, the dragons. However, with Sweetie Belle along for the ride…
"Sweetie Belle, I think it may be best if we get you home, dear," she said tentatively. "This is a rather dangerous mission, after all."
"All the more reason I should come along!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
That's the stupidest reasoning I've ever heard, Rarity wanted to say. She gave her sister a stern look. "I'm not sure I follow your logic," Rarity said instead, mindful of Stef'an behind her.
"There is no safer place in the world than the center of Sea Serpentia," Stef'an said.
Isn't your country currently at war? Once again, Rarity held back from saying what was really on her mind. "I'm sure Sea Serpentia is lovely," Rarity said delicately. "And quite well protected," she added, "But given your current international predicament, I'm not sure it is the best place for my baby sister to visit."
"Far safer there than to venture back through that horrid forest," Stef'an pointed out.
Rarity looked at the grass below her feet. He had a point. She couldn't very well send Sweetie Belle back through the Everfree Forest alone, and taking her back herself would mean losing at least two more days of travel, plus goodness knows what sort of dangers. If only the Royal Guards had showed up, like they'd been meant to…
…Speaking of…
Rarity looked up at the sea serpent. "Stef'an," she began gently. "Not to pry, but wasn't I supposed to be accompanied to your kin by the Equestrian Royal Guard? Why are you here to fetch me instead of them?"
The sea serpent dropped his skinny arms to his side. "We hadn't heard from them. They were meant to send word to us at a check-in point last night, but never did. The others said we should wait longer, but how could I leave a lady like yourself waiting out here all alone? I just had to come find you."
Rarity's mind reeled. The Guards hadn't checked in. She could think of a few different reasons they may not have checked in, but to both not check in and to not reach the meadow on time…well, Shining Armor just didn't run a Guard that wasn't punctual. There was little doubt in her mind that her Guards had to have run into trouble. Big trouble.
Oh dear.
Rarity gave herself a brief shake of her head. She couldn't let herself think too much about it. "Thank you, Stef'an," she said to the sea serpent. "That was quite thoughtful of you."
Stef'an glanced around. "I do suggest we get going now, oh Generous One," he said in reply. "We do not know what delayed your Guard, but I have my suspicions." His eyes moved skyward and Rarity felt a tremor go through her body.
Dragons. Stef'an thought dragons had gotten the Guard.
That's it, Sweetie Belle is going home RIGHT NOW. It was no longer a matter of propriety, and was entirely a matter of safety. Rarity took a step towards her little sister, ready to magically chuck her straight over the Everfree Forest back to Ponyville if it came to it.
As if reading her thoughts, Stef'an put a claw on her shoulder. "With the state of things—that is, with the Guard not arriving—well, I personally would be nervous to head back into there, and I'm much bigger than either of you."
Rarity stopped walking, her breath quickening as her mind caught up with what Stef'an said. If there was a force out there successfully hunting down the Royal Guard, what chance did she have? What chance did any of them have? It wasn't as if she actually could magically chuck her sister over the forest back home. Maybe Twilight had that power, but Rarity knew her levitation skills were nowhere near those of Celestia's favorite student.
Sweetie Belle glanced between her sister and the sea serpent. "Rarity…" she began slowly. Rarity knew that meant Sweetie Belle was about to suggest something that she was nervous to ask her sister about, and prepared herself for the worst. "I don't want to go back into the forest," the filly said. "Last night was enough. Can't we go with Stef'an? He could take us somewhere safe, and when we're with him, scary things should leave us alone."
And I could continue with my mission, as the Princess asked.
Rarity didn't like where this was going. Sweetie Belle was making too much sense. Dangerous sense. Stef'an would be like a shield of safety from most perils, just by his sheer size.
A light went on in Rarity's brain. Alright, one last tactic. "Stef'an, is there any chance you could swim us back through the Everfree Forest on that river we found you at last time? I really would like to get my sister home to Ponyville. Then I would happily accompany you to your country."
Stef'an hesitated. "It would be a bit of detour…"
Rarity put on her best pleading eyes, blinking up at the serpent.
"…But I'd be willing to sacrifice a day if that would give you peace of mind," Stef'an added quickly. "I did bring a raft for your use, after all."
Rarity beamed. "Thank you, Stef'an!"
Sweetie Belle looked warily back at the forest, tense as thread caught improperly in a sewing machine. Rarity feared she would argue further. Instead, the filly kicked a rock across the ground.
"Stupid forest," was all she said.
"Woo! Woo! Woo!" Pinkie Pie jumped up and down in the library, attempting to catch Rainbow Dash. The pegasus flew overhead, dipping every other moment in the air and laughing hysterically.
"As I was saying." Twilight glared at the two of them. "I can't imagine why Princess Celestia didn't ask us to help with this covert mission to the middle of a warzone in the first place, but she is asking now."
Applejack coughed loudly, caught Spike's glance, and rolled her eyes at Pinkie and Dash. That got Spike snickering a bit, despite his nerves.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem." Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at them, dodging another of Pinkie's leaps. "I mean, seriously, how many times have we saved Equestria by now? This is going to be a cakewalk."
"It is?" Pinkie stopped jumping, instead throwing her hooves to her face. "I love cakewalks!"
"Pinkie," Twilight warned. "It won't be that easy. Rainbow Dash is just being facetious."
"Fas-what-us?" Pinkie asked, blinking at Twilight.
"It means I was being super fast," Rainbow Dash explained before Twilight had a chance to respond. "Seriously, Pinkie, do you never read?"
"Actually," Twilight said, "Facetious means—"
Spike stamped one foot. "Could we maybe stop with the language lesson and get going with the plan to save Rarity and Sweetie Belle?" he asked. He knew Twilight, and if she got off on a teaching tangent, they'd never get the conversation back on track.
Twilight looked over at him, startled. "Oh! Right. Yes, where were we?"
"Somethin' about an ancient scroll givin' dragons the rights to sea serpent territory?" Applejack supplied.
"Right," Twilight nodded. She continued to give her friends a rundown of Princess Celestia's letter, and Spike found his thoughts drifting back to Rarity out there in the wilderness. He'd already read the letter. Rarity's mission sounded next to impossible. Couldn't Twilight just explain things on the way? Rarity needed help now.
"Um, excuse me, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked as Twilight finished her explanation.
Twilight rolled a map into her pack and nodded towards Fluttershy. "Yes?"
"Um, if it wouldn't be too much of a bother, I think I would be more useful here. You know. In Ponyville," Fluttershy said, shrinking away from her friends.
"Fluttershy." Twilight narrowed her eyes.
"You know. Just as uh…well, backup? Ponyville backup?" Fluttershy suggested hopefully.
"Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of dragons again." Rainbow Dash landed on the library floor next to Fluttershy, jabbing one hoof into her shoulder. Fluttershy squeaked. "I thought you'd gotten over that!"
"You did stare down that one dragon pretty impressively, sugarcube," Applejack said.
"That was just one dragon!" Fluttershy flew backwards a couple of steps, away from the other ponies. "You're asking me to walk straight into a battle full of dragons!"
Spike sighed. He should've seen this particular obstacle coming.
"It's just fine to be nervous, Fluttershy," Twilight said, approaching Fluttershy gently. "But remember, we need you along for this. Rarity and Sweetie Belle need you. You have valuable skills that I'm sure will help get us through."
"Please, Fluttershy?" Spike asked, walking up next to Twilight. "Remember, I'm a dragon, too, and I'm not that scary. I don't think, at least…" Spike put a thoughtful claw to his lips. "Anyhow, I'm not going to feel safe about this unless you come."
"That's right," Applejack nodded. "You don't want Spike back here in the library all panicked because you backed out on us, do you?"
"Well, if you put it that way…" Fluttershy said slowly.
Spike's eyebrows creased. "Hold on a minute." He turned to Applejack. "Back here in the library? But, but, I'm coming with you guys!" He spun to look at Twilight. "Aren't I?"
Twilight locked eyes with him, and Spike held himself back from collapsing on the floor at Twilight's hooves and begging. She has to let me come! Rarity's in trouble! "Twilight…" Spike swallowed. "Please. I…I already packed and everything."
After a moment's pause, Twilight finally nodded.
"Wait, hold on a tick," Applejack said, walking between Spike and Twilight. "Yer lettin' him come? Just because he wants to? Ah mean, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo wanted to come, too, but ah didn't let them."
"Oh really? How'd you manage that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Yeah, seriously." Twilight cocked her head. "They're pretty resourceful."
"Ah, uh…" Applejack kicked one foot along the floor sheepishly. "Ah may've lassoed them to an apple tree."
"What?!" Twilight gasped.
"Only fer a bit!" Applejack defended herself. "Big Macintosh's gonna let them go before nightfall!"
"Oh no. Those poor dears," Fluttershy said, walking over to look out the window in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
"Eh, they'll be alright," Applejack said. "What doesn't break yer hooves jus' makes 'em stronger."
"Well, nopony's lassoing me to a tree!" Spike said, grabbing his packed bag and moving as far away from Applejack as possible. "I already made arrangements with Cheerilee to watch Peewee and everything!"
"Spike—" Twilight started.
"How could we leave Spike behind?" Pinkie Pie asked, putting a hoof on Spike's shoulder as he accidentally backed straight into her. "He has to come! Why, without him, how do we infiltrate dragon territory?"
"Infiltrate d-d-d-d-dragon territory?" Fluttershy asked, her attention focused back on the task at hoof.
"Well, duh!" Pinkie snorted. "None of us are dragons, are we? Spike's got to do it! He'll dash in, behind enemy lines, dodging fearsome fireblasts—"
Spike's hands began to shake at that. Dodging fireblasts?
"—all while wearing this!" Pinkie Pie slapped a fake mustache on Spike's face from Celestia-knows-where.
Spike's eyes lit back up. "Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about!" He grinned, going almost cross-eyed to look down at the 'stache below his nose.
Twilight magicked it off his face before he managed to focus his eyes on it. "That's enough," she said. "This is serious."
Spike's shoulders drooped.
"Spike, I was going to say earlier that of course you're coming," Twilight said. Spike sucked in a disbelieving breath, staring at Twilight. "Pinkie's right," the mare continued.
"When it comes to mustaches, I'm always right!" Pinkie declared proudly.
"Not about that." Twilight shot Pinkie an annoyed glare. "About Spike infiltrating dragon territory. Not that I'd ever send him in alone," she said, as Applejack began to protest, "But in general, it might not be a bad idea to have a dragon along when we're trying to stop a war involving dragons."
"Yes!" Spike actually leapt into the air, his hefted bag smacking against his back when he landed. "Thank you, Twilight!"
"Besides." Twilight gave him a knowing look. "I don't think I'd ever hear the end of it if we went off to help Rarity without him."
Spike rubbed the back of his head, sheepishly.
"Whatever you say, Twah'light," Applejack shrugged in response.
"So are we going to get going soon or what?" Rainbow Dash asked, flying back up into the air and hovering over them all. "All this talking isn't helping Rarity or Sweetie Belle, you know."
Twilight nodded. "Yes. We should get a move on. Let's meet at the edge of town in fifteen minutes, and we'll make our way through the Everfree Forest together."
"I'm ready already!" Spike said. "I'll go wait there for you all!"
"If you say so," Twilight said, smiling at him a little.
Spike smiled back. Twilight wanted him to come along. He was going to save Rarity. Everything was going to be alright.
Spike left the library and made his way over to the forest's edge, counting down the minutes until everypony else would get there. As he walked past Fluttershy's cottage, he listened for the familiar sound of the small stream that ran out of the Everfree Forest. Oddly, try as he might, he couldn't hear it.
Spike strained his ears, pausing when he finally got to where the little stream should be. He peered into its banks.
It was completely dried up.
"Huh," Spike said, staring at the pebbles in the stream bed. "That's weird."
"WATCH OUT!"
Rarity threw herself over Sweetie Belle. The raft they'd attached to Stef'an nearly cracked in half as a large wave crashed over them.
"Careful back there!" Stef'an called out, dodging as rock after rock hurled towards them from the air. The river they'd been traveling rapidly dammed up, and Stef'an made a rushed one-eighty turn, swimming speedily back upstream.
"Hold on, Sweetie!" Rarity said. Her little sister screamed as another rock just barely missed them. Both her and her sister were completely drenched, but that was of little matter to Rarity at the moment. "Stef'an, please! Be careful!"
"I know!" Stef'an said, his head still above the stream water so he could watch for hurdling rocks. "I'm so sorry, I'm going as fast as I can!"
Sweetie Belle shrieked again as a particularly large boulder smashed into the bank next to them, cascading water over them once more.
"Who's attacking us?" Sweetie asked.
Rarity looked up, though only for a moment as another wave of water washed over them. But the moment was all she needed.
Huge beasts. Leathery wings.
"Dragons!" Rarity gasped.
"I'll get us out of here, don't worry!" Stef'an said. "Would you two be dears and promise to hold your breath for a minute?"
Rarity didn't even have time to reply. Half a second later, Stef'an dove as the river deepened. Water incased both her and her sister, and Rarity used her magic to cling tightly to Sweetie Belle and their rather opulent raft. The river rushed over them, and Rarity hoped Stef'an would remember that ponies needed to come up for air with much more frequency than sea serpents.
It looked like they wouldn't be taking Sweetie Belle back to Ponyville, after all.
Now that the update is finally here, I can't for the life of me remember what happened before...
I'll just start with chapter one again in a few months...
Ooh, this is getting interesting. I like the fact that everypony is getting involved: while Spike and Rarity remain the focus, I always find it more fun when there's a larger cast of characters to bounce off.
Keep up the great work!
*dammed up stream* oh you have got to be BUCKIN kidding me!!!! Darn you dragons, cant a pony take her sister back home in peace!!!!!!!
Oh an I love Applejack's way of handling lil sisters who want to go off to a dangerous place.
I wonder what the dragons are up to.
Pinkie's right about mustaches though.
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH this chapter was awesome! can't wait for update! it always worht the waiting though!! thankya!
Update
Well, I'd say there's more comedy than necessary, but I guess it's acceptable.
Also, some minor derps:
Missed the italics
Missed the space between sentences
Otherwise, pretty solid, keep up the good work
Keep it up.
Of course the dragon's are gona been shown in the negative light... at least. At first.
Pinkie is just always so supportive. She's such a dear friend.
Great chapter, and as always, I'm anxious to see what happens next!
It's never easy, and damn, A.J. stop being such a pain in the ass.
I bet telekinesis could be used to hold onto a big bubble of air to breath from while underwater. Rarity just needs to do that, then they can stay under for as long as necessary.
By the way, the name Ste'fan Ma'Ganette still makes me smirk every time I see it.
Also, this update came with just about perfect timing for me. I got kinda distracted by a couple video games and didn't really read anything for a few weeks, so I only just read the previous chapter within the last day or two.
1909980 Well that's because all the dragons except Spike are evil jerks.
The only sea serpent we know is completely nice! And gay!
Dragons, on the other hoof, are well known to be racist, gun-toting homophobes.
Something tells me Spike has a backup plan up his scales.
Please tell me you aren't going to make the Dragons completely evil, and that they have their reasons for attacking.
1915782 I'm not giving away any spoilers. But I can promise that this situation isn't painted in black and white, good vs evil, etc. There's a lot still to come.
I really like this story so far! My one concern is the portrayals of the characters, really. I hope that Pinkie and Dash aren't consistently portrayed as "the dumb ones" of the group. I also hope Fluttershy does end up at least somewhat getting over her fear--Rarity is her best friend, after all, and if all she does is cower while the "main characters" of the story (Spike and Rarity) do all the work, I'm gonna be a bit disappointed.
Also, isn't Spike fireproof?
1911334 That sounds like a pretty specialized sort of telekinesis, really. Maybe the sort Twilight would learn how to use. Levitating air can't be as easy as levitating a rock.
I enjoyed the passage with Spike's thoughts just after entering the library. The way he reacts to this greed growth has pretty much the same vibes as certain superheroes or cursed individuals in fantasy fiction. It's great seeing Spike represented like that. Also good is the idea that he's much older and more mature than he looks and acts.
Nice parody of the Sea Serpent's fanon name, too.
Plus we're talking about chucking Sweetie Belle over a forest!
I've kinda noticed that Sweetie Belle's getting a little abuse, although it's probably unintentional. Spike only appears to be worried about Rarity at first, Rarity and Sef'an glare at her for a misstep that she never could have seen. These are all things that would be getting on my nerves if they were at Spike's expense (but that's only because there are fans who genuinely hate Spike). Ah, well, she's still my favorite Crusader.
On the departure scene, I think a better way to keep Spike involved would have been having him make a deep observation that sends Applejack for a loop by showing her he's more mature than she thinks. But what you have is good, too.
: "Fluttershy, ah'd be more likely to rely on yer rabbit for 'Ponyville backup.'"
Oh, Sweet Belle... That ideia! That ideia, little mare!
Man I enjoy your dialogue. I also loved the Pinkie-stache inclusion there. I feel like this is shaping up to be a long and fairly epic fic, which is very cool by me.
And I really like how you write Ste'fan. Haven't seen much of him fic-wise, but I'll bet yours is the best.
Most of the other instances of the name in this chapter are spelled "Stef'an". Should this one be as well?
The beginning was so-so, but the story is shaping up pretty well. I love how everything is going wrong right as they leave Ponyville. Makes me wonder what they will have to go through before it is over.
Also if the whole gang is coming over, here is to hoping the other 2 crusaders manage to get themselves free and join in the fun
Oh my gosh... YES!
Things are starting to heat up. So that's what happened to those guards... Nasty...
When out the next chapter?
Spike has one of the best moral dilemmas I've seen in a fic before. Does he unleash the beast inside him to give him the additional strength he may need? Could he possibly muster the will to mantain his self-control after growing even a little? Oh this is good stuff right here.
Oh my god that was pretty funny. Seriously made me laug---
--wait
I thought I saw something
No
Seriously though... Why is the cover image so misleading?
Made me think Spike and Rarity would be alone off somewhere
Very well written, however this entire series of unfortunate events with the cmc feels like filler material which doesn't really achieve much.
Also, why would Twilight have to convince AB and Scoots of anything? Just tell them it is dangerous and scoop them up with her magic if they refuse.
Still, looking forward to the rest.
I'm confused on whether I'm supposed to be taking things seriously. Some of the things being said are downright ridiculous, but it's also clear that there are very real threats to deal with. This kind of thing always makes me feel like the writer can't decide on an audience... which is annoying at the very least. But so far it hasn't dramatically impacted my interest, so I suppose I'll let it be for now.
Waitaminute. Stef'an just said, in no uncertain terms, that even he was a little afraid of going into the forest... and now he's going to go into the forest? Because Rarity batted her eyes at him? I get there's a special power in the "Eye's of D'aww" (as I like to call it), but this is just dumb. Even if he's sticking to the river, if there really are dragons in the forest watching for sea serpents and ponies he should be adamantly refusing to go on this 'detour.' I do hope this kind of thing doesn't become a habit, but if it does I suppose I'll just have to accept it as a 'style' and deal. But dammit, it really does feel like this is going in two opposite and mutually exclusive directions.
Ugh. Rainbow's and Pinkie's blatant lack of seriousness regarding this situation is grating. There's confidence, and then there's emotional disconnection.
Okay, at this point it's clear I shouldn't take things seriously with this story. None of the characters are, after all. So, now I can just relax and not worry about anything. After all, you wouldn't completely backtrack and do something actually serious when nothing in this chapter has been serious at all... would you?
Why are the dragons attacking by throwing rocks? I gather they heavily outnumber Stef'an; couldn't they just go in and incapacitate him manually? Meh, I guess it's a trivial thing.
I am not sure about this story. There are some parts that I really like but the story overall seems to be rather... bland. Too many things that happen are only happening to progress the story, if that makes any sense. It's as if the author doesn't have a story so he/she is trying to force one out based on the barest of ideas (mainly Rarity wanting to know more about dragons).
Two problems here: 1) "sobbed" isn't a dialogue tag, and 2) "Apple Bloom" is her name. I'll put that down to a lapse in proofreading though, since you've spelled it correctly all the way up to this point.
Ow my eyes. Comin' on a little strong with the accent there.
What happened to "in a jiffy."? walking seems a bit too slow for rounding up the girls; I'd imagine they'd be running in this situation.
Her, too? Again, in matters of urgency, you want to act as fast as you can. Why not have Twilight scoop Spike onto her back and teleport back to the Library? This is slowing the scene down dramatically.
Oh, my. The implications... I like.
Sure, Spike. I'll believe it when I don't see it during this reading.
Oopsie
Hahahaha. I did actually laugh at this one. Ahem. Back to it then.
Poor, poor Sweetie Belle.
Is there any reason you needed to break up this dialogue so much? It feels sloppy with both tags, and the B in "But" shouldn't be a capital in any case.
Tell you what though, in terms of Rarity's actual dialogue, you're nailing it. In fact, I don't think I've seen Rarity written quite so well before. That may yet prove to be this story's strongest point.
Cut everything after "Stef'an". Obviously she's not talking to Sweetie.
I really rather think this is all unnecessary... as it is, anyway. Thinking more along the lines of: "Rarity…" she began slowly – Rarity stiffened, narrowed eyes on Sweetie – "I don't want to go back into the forest."
I approve of this simile.
See, right there? That's perfectly fine AJ dialogue / accenting. I approve. What you could improve on further is dropping the "Applejack supplied" tag. From the accent, we can guess it's Applejack already. How about: "... sea serpent territory?"
"Right." Twilight nodded. "Thank you, Applejack."
Ah, I wondered if I'd see this here. Interrobangs (?!) are pretty well frowned upon. Use italics for emphasis and just use a question mark. Looks far less sloppy and amateur. Ana again, "gasped" is not a dialogue tag.
That "Applejack defended herself." is really unnecessary. Drop it.
Yes! Classic Pinkie Pie.
Cut the tag.
>"going to get going"
I think Rainbow would be more likely to have said "taking off" or "cruising" instead of "going to get going." That sounds odd, no matter who said it. Everything about Rainbow's personality is fast and impatient, including the way she talks. She uses as few words as possible.
Oh... my... That's a worry.
encased*
Damn, that cliffhanger though. I can only imagine how it felt for those readers that didn't have a full story already published to continue on with.
This is great. There's been a couple of mini conflicts so far, but now things are heating up! I'm excited.
I do have to remark at the pacing though. It's not moving as fast as I feel it should be. I can't help thinking (we) should already be in
SerpensortiaSea Serpentia by now, figuring out what to do.3232116
It's perfectly acceptable to call a hoof a foot. After all, they have soles, heels, and toes—just like us. They also have arms and elbows.
I know this comment is old, but it annoys me seeing people get anal about supposedly incorrect anatomical descriptions when they are in fact perfectly valid.
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"Sobbed" can in fact be used as a dialogue tag, as well as "gasped." They are used to describe the way in which they were said as well as what the speaker is feeling. "Sobbed" shows that the speaker is either crying or on the brink of crying. "Gasped" shows that the speaker is surprised by what they have heard.
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Whether you consider them legitimate or not, there are better ways of going about showing a character sobbing or gasping. That's next level writing. If you can write without tags at all, and still bring your intentions across perfectly, readers will benefit from the fluidity of your words.
It's ridiculous how we're taught to use so many fundamentally flawed writing techniques in primary and secondary school, only to "unlearn" them with higher education and peer advice later. It can be hard to break these habits without people continually getting up in your grill about them.
Laying the accent on way too thick here. A couple of yalls and yers should be plenty to get AJ's accent down, since we all already know what she sounds like.
The age problem is definitely an issue. I fixed the size and age problem by having spike defying his nature to be greedy, and be generous instead. Him being generous causes him to grow bigger, but not go insane. I found it a perfect solution to the issue.
*looks at above comment* wow, two whole years, I don't think I have gone that long before from commenting to reviewing as a live reader. Wow. 2013, I had just started FOE at the time, didn't think I would be oing this after all of this time, but here we are.
Spike's determination to go heafirst into danger is quite admirable. While still showing that he is young and having a lot more growing up to do, he is still invoking his knighthood by going out and saving a lady that is in danger. I amire his derermination and his reasoning. The adition of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash messing aroun, while background noise, is a nice touch. It allows for the characters to be...characters and friends.
Rarity is great in this as well, we see why she is the best caniate for this job. She is trying her best to get the best options, get the little on home. It may fail, but she is pushing her efforts and doing all she can
This has been my headcanon since I started the series and by now at Final Season that hasn't changed.
HAHAHAHAHAHA Holy Crap that's one of the oldest and funniest jokes on the show years later and It's still funny