Chapter 1
“ Uuuuuggoooooghhhha.”
“ What was that, a submarine?” said Twilight Sparkle with a smirk, sinking into the spa’s hottub next to her friend Rarity. The white-coated unicorn had a look of near-obscene joy on her face as she luxuriated in the warm water.
“ Oh, do not even start!” said Rarity, her tone begging Twilight to start. Rarity threw a hoof over her face dramatically. “ Today, one of the worst possible things happened!”
“ And that would be?” asked Twilight, rolling her eyes as she got comfortable in the steaming water. She could feel her muscles relaxing, something she evidently didn’t need as bad as Rarity did. Knowing the pretty pony, it was something like losing her most treasured hairbrush or -
“ I saw that accursed Prince Blueblood!” said Rarity, her voice dripping with resentment and dislike. “ Oh, how I’d wished to never see him again but no, no, he just decided to have himself flown to Ponyville and take a trot down the street, just so I’d see him out of the front window of my shop!”
Twilight frowned.
“ Oh, but I could hardly focus at all today!” continued Rarity, her melodrama continuing with the force of Rainbow Dash towards a Wonderbolt’s recruitment drive. “ I just kept remembering that abysmal experience at the Gala and his un-gentlecoltly behavior, not to mention when he -”
“ Okay, thats enough, Rarity.”
Rarity blinked in surprised.
Twilight was scowling and looking away from her, obvious anger in her pose. Rarity had never known Twilight to act like this and the timing further continued.
“ Dear, my apologies, but whatever has gotten into you?” asked Rarity, sitting up. “ I was only having some fun-”
“ At Bluey’s expense.” said Twilight with a little snort, but Rarity hardly noticed the derisive sound. Bluey? thought the purple-maned unicorn, her mind reeling at the childish nickname. “ Listen, I know he can be hard to talk to, but he’s really sweet if you take the time to get to know him.”
“ Sweet?” said Rarity, taken aback. “ He insulted Applejack!”
“ Oh, like you could tell what he was actually saying!” snapped Twilight, turning to look at Rarity. “ Don’t deny it! With that stutter he’s completely unintelligible half the time! He might have just been trying to-”
“ Stutter?” questioned Rarity, halting Twilight. “ Dear, we may not be talking about the same pony.”
“ I lived across the hall from him for several years, Rarity.” said Twilight with a little huff, blowing a lock of hair out of place. “ And I saw you with him at the gala. I thought at first you were giving him a chance when you helped him with the puddle-”
“ - hold it.” said Rarity, halting her again. “ I helped him because he refused to help me!”
“....you don’t know a thing about Bluey, do you?!” said Twilight, looking affronted. “ You’ve only ever read about him in magazines like those other mares, haven’t you? I thought you were different, Rarity!”
“ But - I - but!” Rarity tried to protest, but it was true. She hadn’t known much of the Prince other than what the tabloids had said, but it was rather unfair of Twilight to hold that agains her! It wasn’t like she’d been privileged to live ....next....to....him. “ Oh, my, Twilight! You know Prince Blueblood!”
“ Of course I do.” Twilight said with another huff, further displacing her mane. “ He’s Celestia’s grandson and I was her student. It’s hard not to meet.”
“ Then, tell me about him.” said Rarity, looking to end her confusion. “ Because it seems we have experienced very different stallions.”
“ Well, to start with, he’s hydrophobic.”
“ What?” said Rarity, nearly slipping off her seat in shock.
“.....does nopony remember what happened to his as a foal?” asked Twilight, cocking an eyebrow as confusion covered her face. “ He and his parents were in a boating accident. He was with them - they spent six hours clinging to driftwood in the wide open before the Royal Guard found him.”
Rarity simply stared.
“ Okay, I guess the magazines don’t talk about that anymore.” said Twilight, shaking her head. “ He’s okay with water, usually. But he was probably stressed enough by the fact that you were talking to him to react normally. He gets so nervous around mares he can barely talk! Spike says he’s better with colts and stallions, so if we needed to talk I usually just sent Spike.”
“ But he didn’t have any trouble speaking.” said Rarity, taken aback.
“ R-really?” said Twilight, her face lighting up. “ Wow! I haven’t seen him since I moved to Ponyville, but he’s made a lot of progress if - wait, I thought you were upset with him because of how he talked!”
“ No, I was upset because he was a rude beast!” said Rarity, growing irked. “ When he came up to talk to me, he took a rose, taunted me with it, and took it for himself! He had me order and pay for some of Applejacks wares, then spat it out and insulted her! And when Applejacks cake went flying, he used me as a living shield!”
“ Bluey’s nothing like that!” shouted Twilight defensively. “ You have to be talking about somepony else!”
“ Well, we can prove this right now!” said Rarity, leaping from the water. “ We’ll just go ask him, since he’s still in town!”
“ Fine!” Twilight followed suit and leapt from the spawater, levitating a towel for each of them.
The two opposed friends quickly dried and canceled the rest of their treatment, then stormed out onto the streets of Ponyville. It was not hard to spot the princes guard, as they were resting by one of the carriages that Canterlot nobles used when traveling in the center of town.
“ Well, look at this!” said one of the guards as they ran up. “ Twilight Sparkle! What are you doing out here?”
“ Um, no time to catch up.” said Twilight, hoping to avoid being rude. “ I heard the Prince was in town?”
“ Of course - he came here to see you!” said the guard, looking confused. “ He went to the library almost six or seven hours ago!”
“ Thanks!” said Twilight, rejoining Rarity. The two ponies raced towards Twilights library, making it there at a full gallop. As they neared they spied Prince Blueblood, who seemed to be pacing back and forth in front of the tree-building.
“ You!” shouted Rarity, coming to a halt in front of the Prince, who looked worried. The look vanished and was replaced with disgust as he realized who was talking to him.
“ Oh, not you again!” sighed the prince, causing Rarity’s blood to boil. “ I thought I chased you off at the Gala!”
“ You chased her off?”
Twilight Sparkles voice was full of anger - to Rarity’s delight, as much as when she had been speaking in Bluebloods defense - and it struck the prince like a kick to the face. His head turned like a shot to face the purple unicorn, his bravado vanishing.
“ A-a oh h-h-hi, Tw-twil-light.” said Prince Blueblood, taking several shying steps back, red circles appearing on his cheeks. “ I-I-I w-was lookingforyou-you and-”
“ What’s going on out here?” said a bossy little voice as the Library’s front door was thrown open. A crankly looking little dragon emerged, his face lighting up at the sight of the Prince and Twilight. “ Oh, hey Big Blue! Whatcha doin’ out here in Ponyville?”
“ Apparently insulting Rarity!” barked Twilight.
Seconds later, a set of pointy little dragons teeth chomped deep into Bluebloods leg.
==========
After taking everypony inside and getting a bandage on Bluebloods bite, the situation had reached a quieter level of tension.
“ So, Rarity told me you made her buy food, then insulted it and later used her as a shield for a cake.” said Twilight, her tone stern.
Blueblood just stammered.
“ Twi, uh, take five.” said Spike, gesturing to the kitchen. With a little huff Twilight trotted out. “ Uh, so, no such luck yet, Big Blue?”
“....no.” said Prince Blueblood, his voice returning as Twilight left the room. “ I’ve spent most of the day in front of the library panicing.”
“....sounds like your almost getting worse.” said Spike, wincing.
“ Excuse me, but I believe I see where this is going.” said Rarity with a sigh, taking a sip of the tea Spike had heated for them. With only the drops more of information she’d been provided with, her canny mind had sussed the whole situation. “ You have a crush on Twilight, don’t you.”
“ Since the moment I first heard about her.” said Blueblood with a sad little smile and a nod. “ I can remember the day perfectly. It was the first time I’d ever seen Granny happy-”
“ Granny is Princess Celestia.” said Spike, though Rarity had already figured it out.
“ - as she’d finally found a unicorn with enough ‘potential’.” continued Blueblood. “ A filly by the name of Twilight Sparkle, with such magical power as to make an entire team of court magicians envious. Oh, Granny went on for hours, prancing about and celebrating like a foal who’d just gotten their cutie mark.”
“ Over the next few weeks she got even more excited.” said Blueblood, taking a sip of tea as he paused. “ Since my parents passed on, I’d never seen her happy - she’d kept appearances, but she took it hard privately. But Twilight Sparkle revitalized her - she would come to dinner after tutoring her with such a spring in her trot and boasting stories about her perfect little student.....it wasn’t until nearly a year later, when Twilight finished her schooling in the University - “
“ The University normally takes six years, but Twilight blew though it no problem.” said Spike. This time, Rarity gave him a nod of thanks.
“ - and moved into the castle with us. She was given the room across the hall from my families - the hall which ended with Celestia’s bedroom, so it was quite the honor - and I waited for hours to see her. But when she finally showed....all I could do was stutter a greeting and slam my door.”
“ And I take it things have not progressed much since then.” said Rarity, enjoying twisting the knife a little more than she should have, despite the situation. Blueblood shook his head again, his smile falling away. “ Tell me - why did you seek to ‘drive me off?”
“ I have five mares like you hound me every single party.” said Blueblood, a little spike in his words stinging Rarity back. “ I grew sick of you socialites years ago. You read of me and assume I’m some charming prince, some perfect noblepony like my Granny, and no matter what I do, I don’t like up to your expectations. For the last two years, I’ve been trying to cultivate a repuation as a jerk so the ponyrazzi would report that, but unfortunately they won’t print that.”
“ Uh, they don’t want to insult Princess Celestia.” said Spike quickly. “ Like how they kept the Nightmare Moon thing low-key - or the tapestry incident.”
Rarity raised an eyebrow as the Prince and Spike winced.
“ I’d forgotten - do you remember the ministers face?” said Blueblood gingerly, like someone describing seeing a friend break a bone.
“ And the staff - they were in a blind panic.” said Spike with a sigh. “ I almost got trampled by that big grey mare that cleans the stained-glass windows.”
It struck her quite suddenly, but Rarity realized that Spike and Twilight were insiders to Canterlot. They might have not been born to the castle, but they knew of the life with an intimacy that Rarity - who, despite her high culture and social success as a well known and rising fashion designer - would never have.
It also struck her that she could at any time before the Gala asked about Prince Blueblood.
“ - but the worst had to be when - oh, sorry, Rarity, we got kinda off topic.” said Spike, noticing Rarity.
“ But in any event, it was nothing personal.” said Blueblood, sitting up straight. “ Though I tried me best to make it so by insulting your friend - do tell her, now that the Diamond Dog is in the rough - the fritter was actually delicious.”
“....I shall pass it along.” said Rarity, knowing that would make Applejack happy. “ So, tell me, do you have any plan to tell Twilight what you’ve told me?”
“....to face the facts, I’ll just melt back into my usual useless self.” sighed Blueblood, hunching back over in defeat. “ I’ve tried a hundred times - I’ve written a thousand letters only to tear them up. B-but since she left Canterlot, it’s almost been worse than not being able to tell her. I can’t even spy her racing though the library or hear tales of her from Granny.”
“ Well, we should bring her back in now.” said Rarity, gesturing to the door. “ Spike, would you?”
The little dragon nodded and ran off. He returned a minute later with a cranky looking Twilight Sparkle, who took a seat with a little “harruph!”.
“ So, now that you’ve sorted things out, care to tell me whats going on?” she asked, her tone making Blueblood and Spike wince. Spike made a gesture to spur Blueblood on, but the Prince looked like he was chocking on air. Rarity rolled her eyes.
“ Big Blue has had a crush on you for some time and can’t spit it out.” said Rarity. Spike coughed in shock as the Prince froze. “ And he was rude to me to try and drive me off - likely so he could find the time to ask you for a dance at the Gala.”
Twilight blinked.
Spike looked from Rarity, to Blueblood, to Twilight with the shock of somepony who had been told there was a bomb in the room.
The Prince began to change color, too panicked to breathe.
“ Oh, really?” said Twilight, her surprise covering the slight unkindness of her words. “ I-I never knew, Bluey.”
“ A-are you going to breathe, dear?” said Rarity, looking to the panicked stallion. He didn’t answer, so she gave him a hearty clap on the back, forcing him cough and start breathing again. After several deep breaths he started to recover.
“ Y-y-y-y-y-y-yes.” said Prince Blueblood, looking terrified. “ G-gran-ny t-told-”
“ Hey!”
Everyone looked up in shock as Pinkie appeared from nowhere, landing on the teatable.
“ Thought you’d like to know, Spike, but Snips and Snails just found this really cool frog down by the creek!” she said. Spikes eyes went wide, but he then glanced to Twilight. “ Aaaaand apparently, the frog promised them three wishes - but only if they could find somepony or somedragon who could send a letter for it-”
“ Sorrygottagofreewishes!” said Spike, dashing out of the room.
“ And thats that.” said Pinkie, hopping off the table. “ Rarity, we should hightail it outta here and give them some private time.”
“ Indeed.” said Rarity, giving the awkward looking pair of unicorns a smile. “ Prince, Twilight.”
Pinkie Pie lingered a moment after Rarity left, then stomped a hoof on the table. A small plastic package with a helmet insignia was left as she removed it.
“ Play it safe!” she giggled before galloping after her friend.
“ What is - eeep!” Twilight squeaked as she leaned over to look at what Pinkie had left, realizing what it was a moment later. Blueblood was blushing so deeply he looked like Big Macintosh.
“ I-I-I-”
“ Aw, come on, just get to it!” said Pinkie Pie, her head popping out of the tea-kettle. “ Trust me, any nervousness you have now will be com-pletely gone afterwards.”
The lid of the teapot slammed down and she was gone.
Twilight looked at Blueblood.
Blueblood looked at Twilight.
===============
Dear Princess Celestia.
Today, I learned that when your friends give you a condom, make sure that they haven’t poked a hole in it first.
Also, in about eleven months you may have another scandal on your hooves unless Prince Blueblood and I get married quickly.
Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle
============
“ Nothing like a job well done!” said Pinkie Pie, grinning ear to ear as Princess Celestia finished reading the letter.
“ I knew I could count on you.” said Celestia with a smile, setting the letter down. “ The other Elements would have helped Twilight and Blueblood, but only Laughter could get them together.”
“ Because nothings funnier than sex faces!” said Pinkie Pie, snickering. “ Or the faces they made when they realized the condom broke! I got pictures, wanna see?”
“.......yes.”
And so, the pink pony and celestial queen laughed and set to planning a wedding.
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HaHAHA o my god that was crazy i have to say your starting to become one of my favorite comedy writers
I can't say I didn't like it. Though Moarboar wants MOAR!
“ What is - eeep!” Twilight squeaked as she leaned over to look at what Twilight had left, realizing what it was a moment later.
^ you mean "what Pinkie had left". Good fanfic, I laughed and d'awwed and snickered at Pinkie Pie. I'll make sure that my friends haven't poked a hole in my condom before sex from now on.
haha that was awesome
Wait... she poked holes in the condom?!
That's gotta be one of the cruelest things you can possibly do...
Oh dear lord. I lawled so hard. There were a few grammar and/or spelling mess ups, but it was a really good laugh. Thanks for that.
Oh lord, spare me. I can't stop grinning.
SEQUEL PLEASE!
Pinkie, you're so evil.
45452 Aw thanks, man. Your mah best reviewer so far.
45458 Typo is fixed. Thanks for the spotting! And beware, beware your friends! For they care not for the fallout of contraceptive based pranks!
45476 Could you mail me them? I'd like to fix them. I ain't a great proofreader.
That... Was...
WHY?! PINKIE PIE?! HOW COULD YOU?! And PRINCESS CELESTIA?! Just who ARE you right now?! Trollestia or Molestia, because you're being both!
Quick technical question though: how did Twilight find out that she was pregnant so swiftly? Was/is she assuming the worst just in case?
Anyhoof, while that was a... * was of getting them together (Not the plot! One is referring to what Pinkie P and Celes had to resort to to get them together.) Trevor is now creeped out a little, and will be careful around his friends... (Not that they would EVER do this, and not that Trevor would EVER have relations with a mare w/o being married to them first. Yeah, one is old-fashioned like that...)
Anyhoof, great story overall! One will have to look to see if there's a sequel, or other stories by you. *Heads off in search or more disturbing epicosity!*
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
45730 You are asking how a magic user knew she was pregnant after having unprotected sex? Because I'd like that answer myself. It was mostly PLOT that informed her.
I'll agree that the comic timing and writing was quite well done.
The celeb intentionally seeking to torpedo an evening actually fits rather well as an alternative explanation. I've taken to reading all your postings. Far better than most of the stuff I see posted.
I did spot a couple of typos, and but nothing distracting. Do I get bonus chapters if I point them out?
Well isn't that cute...BUT IT'S WRONG!!! Funny story, but a little fucked up when Pinkie sabotaged the rubber and took pictures of the event, not to mention Trollestia or was it Mollestia (can't really decide on which one she was during the of this fic) wanted to see the pictures.
Peace Out.
45751
Ah, but was it her plot or Bluebloods plot that informed her?
•_• more
I have to say, i only found this site on thursday, but i've read many things on it already and you are quite honestly my favorite comedy fic writer and one of only two people who I have watched so far
49428 Well, my manicial friend, I am glad I've done you for a few laughs! I hope the site treats you well and my works continue to amuse for a long time.
“ Okay, I guess the magazines don’t talk about that anymore.” said Twilight, shaking his head. I couldn't stop laughing at this or the ending.
75336 Thanks for catching the typo!
1.... what did his hydrophobia have to do with anything?
2.... Tapestry incident? Is this a reference to another fanfic?
79162 This was a fanfic I slammed out back when I was first getting into fanfic. I didn't think about any part of it much, I just wrote.
Ahh, noodle incident.
Still.... hydrophobia? Was he supposed to be afraid of the puddle on the floor, or something?
79934 Yes. My dad is hydrophobic. He'll walk to the other side of the room if someone spills a drink. I figured I'd toss that in because I didn't think anyone would ever read this.
Hm. I had no idea it could get that severe.
OH MY GOD!!! TWILIGHTS LETTER!!!!!! MADE ME FEEL LIKE I HAD STOPPED BREATHING!
Oh and Prince BlueBlood is Celestias Nephew
That was Fast She only just finds out that he likes her and shes allready pre...... dont make me say it
Silly Twilight BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
That is all
Because nothings funnier
Because nothing's funnier
OMG, I wanted to write this same story sooner or later... Stay out of my mind!
On a second thought, I would have written it way worse than you did, so please continue
Oh my stars, dat ending.
Bravo altogether.
It needs a sequel
1227826 AGREED. WE NEED MOAR~! *dying laughing from this story* Oh God, what would Twi and "Bluey's" foal look like? :D YES WE NEED MOAR~!
Needs a Pony Ask Blog Theres somepony named asktwilight-sprinkle on tumblr, who needs a funny premise.
1457709 The foal would obviously be powerful and beautiful.
1724563 ROFL. True, dat.
Wow those errors
OMFG DAT ENDING WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!
Now I just gotta get my friend to do a dramatic treading of this for me lol
Well, as long as she didn't just plain rip the tip off, you should be fine, as long as Twilight's tight enough, it should just stick to the ins-WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS?!
Yeah I would just love to see my best students sex pictures! -facehoofs- They are all so mean! And one last thing! WHY PINKIE PIE WHY?! Anyway great fanfiction can't wqit to read yo others!
80014 hey that ending is a good way to make a suqple buleblood and twilight find that pic and the plans of what pinkie did and they make a plan for pay back
3476866 there met be a fic on the sex part
Oh, HELL yes.
SEQUEL!
that was funny at the end,
3476866
It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it.
Ultimate in dick moves there.
Pfft.
What, Cadance didn't have a hoof involved in this scheme??
Anyways..Amusing?
sequel would be fun