- Member Since 19th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 5th, 2016
Panicked Creativity
just getting into writing pony fic, decided to give FIMfiction a try :)
Panicked Creativity
Joined 19th Jun, 2012 ·
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- z6don · 5k words · 94 9 · 1.9k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can see this getting a lot of attention. I only ask that you try to make the chapters longer.
I looks good. if you made the chapters longer, it would get better from there.
This story has potential.
There's potential to this, but there could be some improvements like chapters being longer and characters being given their own spaces for dialogue. I have to also say that Twilight and the others (except FS) are being a little bit OOC. I know they're still mad at Trixie, but they could at least give her another shot and not stoop to her levels when Trixie was still evil.
It's good so far can't wait to see more
[ i ] text ok
Just Won't work
835496 Yes, but who's to say that the mane six wouldn't hold a grudge against Trixie? I know I would. It makes the story more amusing at any rate.
Its a very interesting spin on Trixie and I believe its coming along pretty good. Though some tips for improvement are in order. Try not to make giant text walls, space it out so that the reader doesn't become confused. Give characters space for dialogue, and try to remember to use pony puns like anypony and so on. Other than that, you have a great story on your hands and I have faved and watched you since this is an original work.
Great story so far please PLEASE make more soon ok
835572 You can edit and delete previous/existing comments, you know (look at the top right of your own comments); there's no need to go making 4 posts in an attempt to correct yourself. It's no surprise it wouldn't work; you were using the actual formatting tags as an example, but the website's code is just going to use them to format the text between the tags, which is exactly what it was designed to do.
What Happydeath was trying to get across was that HTML-style angle bracket tags < > don't work for formatting here; you need to use flat brackets [ ] for formatting tags.
So instead of using <i>text</i> to italicize, use [i]text[/i].
How did I manage to get the tags to show up instead of being used as tags? Well, let's just say that understanding how to break code is an important part of understanding how to fix it. And no, using color formatting wasn't it; it's just to better illustrate the idea.
This has got to be the first Trixie-related story I've read that made me want to read more!
This is actually pretty badass *Rage face*
I am pretty sure I'll sound like a makeshift FlimFlam brother at the end of this comment, but this looks like something a veteran would write, and I would be simply Honored to proofread it
I'm a bit confused, is this a humanized fic? I saw the word hand in the story.
Other than that it's not bad a little OOC with most of the Mane 6, paragraphs feel a bit like a wall of text since there are dialog in them but, I can overlook those since you are trying to tell a story.
I have read all three chapters so far and it is AWESOME!
I can't wait to read more! Keep up the awesome work! even through a little longer chapters wouldn't hurt.
Inb4 The Dark Knight references.
great story i really like trixie inn this one keep up the good work
i have had enough of these motherbucking rapist in eguestria!
i.ytimg.com/vi/6O3xD1Hgtus/0.jpg
You will do as your mistress says, or you shall feel her wrath!
I have have had enough of these motherbucking rapists in this motherbucking city!!
cbsnewyork.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/samuel-l-jackson-snakes-on-a-plane.jpg
cdn.overclock.net/2/28/287d2b5d_1298305804533_MOAR_LOLZ-s450x516-143512-580.jpeg
Do go on.
I feel the rest of the Mane 6 are being a little OOC, but if they weren't I wouldn't have a story to read. Onward, to ponies!
836554
Glitch, why are you always so negative?
837523
Rather than being negative, why not offer some constructive criticism, so that the author might improve their writing skills?
837629 Okay then.
Hey author, format this properly, re-watch the episodes to get a better grasp of the characters, make a new paragraph for when a different character is talking, Trixie suddenly coming back with a completely different attitude is kinda unrealistic, remember that the mane six are the elements of harmony (meaning that they represent a quality that pertains to friendship, and the whole show is about that), are really forgiving and nice (hell, Pinkie threw a party for Gilda), there are some decent guides on EQD, and... you know what? It doesn't matter. It's not like anyone else is providing any real criticism, they're all just saying how much they love this without giving a good reason as to why, and no one's going to listen to the one actually giving this a critical eye (huh, that rhymed).
I would like to suggest a proofreader.
Look, I have to say. I like what I've read so far, but I couldn't get through half of the chapter. I like the ideas here. I disagree with the implication that Twilight outright refuses to give Trixie a second chance, I think "guarded acceptance" would be her more likely reaction to Trixie returning, considering the end of Trixie's episode, but okay, I've seen enough "Twilight hates Trixie" stories that I can roll with it. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to think that Pinkie is even capable of holding a grudge, but sure, fine, I get that the grudge is the whole premise. Overall, I would keep reading.
The grammar isn't great, by which I mean, you need to remember to punctuate every sentence, even if it's in quotation marks. And really, that's not what an ellipsis is supposed to look like. It's only three periods. I've seen some insist on preceding each one with a space, as well, and formally that's correct, though I think the common usage, with no preceding spaces and a single space after, is really preferable.
But it's the formatting that makes this hard to read.
It seems, in fact, to be an increasing trend on this site, and it's one that I don't like one bit; writers will completely neglect the simplest of formatting elements. The paragraph break is the major one. There are situations in which a paragraph break is mandatory. For instance, only one character should be speaking per paragraph; if a new character begins speaking, you start a new paragraph. That is one of the most basic rules, and it is one you have failed to follow.
Then there are situations where a paragraph break isn't necessary, but should be considered in order to direct the reader's attention where you want it. Starting a new paragraph in the right place can emphasize the last line of the previous paragraph, or the first line of the next; making a paragraph shorter than the ones before and after it can provide extra emphasis. And paragraphs are supposed to highlight the flow of ideas. One idea, one paragraph. It keeps the train of thought running smoothly, makes it easier to follow.
But even if you can go for a while on one thought, with no new speakers, you should start thinking about a new paragraph at four sentences. Six is usually good. Ten-sentence paragraphs can be seen in professional novels, but at that point, your paragraph is looking really long. You should not make a single paragraph last half the length of the chapter, as you did here. It is sloppy, it is hard to read, and it really takes away from the story.
I want to say again, I like the premise. I like the idea. I just... really want to see it not simply done, but done well. And, well, you're the only one who can do that. So please, fix your formatting. Fight back against this baffling trend and make it better.
>reads description
I can already tell this will be pretty dam good dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
837686
THANK YOU.
...I can't help but wonder why the second and third paragraph have better formatting than the first, relatively speaking, when they were all apparently submitted at the same time.
I really like this story. I really do. But the grammar and punctuation is awful to put it lightly. If you want, I can pre-read it before you post it. Just send me a pm anytime.
My my, such language...
Yet it's a good concept. I look forward to more.
835434 thank you all for the constructive criticism! I'll get to work on these problems right away
839301how do i send a pm?
in my, defense, i made the charters a little OOC for 2 reasons.
1) to make the story work
2) the character Gilda was only a bully, Trixies action nearly got an ursa minor to destroy Ponyville. but i see you guys point, it probably wouldn't be full on resentment, but dislike nonetheless. i will fix that though.
As for the second paragraph, my friend dlazerous did some proof reading for that chapter, and now im trying to see how long to make each paragraph. so i will fix that in each chapter as well.
835743 ok
:835863 sorry about that, first time writing a fic
.
But, this is one of those fics where the ponies can stand upright when they want or need to; and use there hooves to grab things.
I really like it so far.
But the grammar errors get very annoying. I can't say anything about them that hasn't been already been said. Good luck, this story really has potential!
839940
There's 2 ways, I'll tell you the easiest. You can view the person's (that you want to send the pm to) account. The black bar that has their avatar, name, blog, etc. also has an envelope all the way to the left, click on it and a pm will pop up, already directed to the person. All you have to do is write and send it. And that's pretty much it.
840346 thank you, I look forward to doing so
837523 actually, i think that a fanfic is about seeing characters in an environment that you either wouldn't expect to see them in or a situation that you'd really like to see them in. i chose the one you wouldn't expect.
And further more, I feel that anyone, even the elements of harmony, has their faults. And why wouldn't they hold a grudge against Trixie, I mean she did bring a rampaging ursa minor to Ponyville through her actions. And before this even comes up, Nightmare Moon was a separate entity from luna, possessing her. That's why luna was forgiven. I would view this situation as another friendship lesson, to learn forgiveness.
As for the errors; I sincerely apologize, this is my first time writing a fic. My first time actually writing in awhile
835919 HOCKEY PAAAAADS!!!
PS: in one part of the dark knight, batman said hockey pads, and this joke was from from that.....and Jeremy Jahns.
Yeah, I gues I'd have to agree with everyone else in that the chapters either need to be longer, or more frequant. Also, did you see that spell fail??
Um, also the story is great. The idea is inspiring. The yuri sucks. Even if the male/female ratio in Equestria is kinda one sided, dosent 
deserve to find a cool GUY?
882766 Honestly no, i understand that you and a few people may not like yuri, but i feel that the twilight x trixie storyline has more conflict. and if there is a spell fail I've probably fixed it by now.
882766 Even if the Male:Female Ratio is like 1:20, you have to consider the characters. The mane six purposely surround themselves with other females and Rarity is the only one who's stated an interest in males. The only other male they really know is Big Macintosh and, honestly, he's a horrible shipping pony. Horribad. On top of that, there's only like one other male that is common in Ponyville, Caramel, and he's also a horribad shipping pony and he has a marefriend. The only other logical choice would be to ship them with OC's and that's just a stupid idea.
885600 I'mma give the story a shot in hopes that you've fixed the format and stuff, because the story sounds pretty good. The idea of it at least.
837686 I feel ya Glitch. It's like FlutterDash: Homophobes all over again.
934562 I always thought that Time Turner and Twilight would be a good idea. I mean, he's smart, works on mechanics (clocks and stuff), and is always on time. He could get along with Twilight very easily I think, and Doughnut Joe would be a good match for Pinkie Pie simply because anyone who bakes and has a insane laugh is a winner in my book.
There's plenty of males, it's just that they really don't interact with the mane 6 very much (as in, not being important to the plot and are just BG characters), even Big Mac doesn't hang out the mane six at all, and never even shared screen time with half of them, so your comment is pretty much dead on.
I'm just saying that it's possible to ship them with males. The reason why there are so many mares is because Hasbro wanted it like that, and they're just place holders in flash animation.
934566 Tell me about it.
935632 True, but I'm also an adamant believer that the main six and other lead supporting characters should be shipped with other mares
yay new update
Damnable... is it bad to be turned on by how awesome this was?!
One word: SHEEEEIIT. That was actually a pretty good violence sceen... I don't like violence. Not that much. Be carefull Trixie....
Wow that was great and I don't say that often really.Its well written,easy to follow,& I didn't see one mistake.you sir/maddam are a great writer
Your faithful student happydeath