Look, I have to say. I like what I've read so far, but I couldn't get through half of the chapter. I like the ideas here. I disagree with the implication that Twilight outright refuses to give Trixie a second chance, I think "guarded acceptance" would be her more likely reaction to Trixie returning, considering the end of Trixie's episode, but okay, I've seen enough "Twilight hates Trixie" stories that I can roll with it. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to think that Pinkie is even capable of holding a grudge, but sure, fine, I get that the grudge is the whole premise. Overall, I would keep reading.
The grammar isn't great, by which I mean, you need to remember to punctuate every sentence, even if it's in quotation marks. And really, that's not what an ellipsis is supposed to look like. It's only three periods. I've seen some insist on preceding each one with a space, as well, and formally that's correct, though I think the common usage, with no preceding spaces and a single space after, is really preferable.
But it's the formatting that makes this hard to read.
It seems, in fact, to be an increasing trend on this site, and it's one that I don't like one bit; writers will completely neglect the simplest of formatting elements. The paragraph break is the major one. There are situations in which a paragraph break is mandatory. For instance, only one character should be speaking per paragraph; if a new character begins speaking, you start a new paragraph. That is one of the most basic rules, and it is one you have failed to follow.
Then there are situations where a paragraph break isn't necessary, but should be considered in order to direct the reader's attention where you want it. Starting a new paragraph in the right place can emphasize the last line of the previous paragraph, or the first line of the next; making a paragraph shorter than the ones before and after it can provide extra emphasis. And paragraphs are supposed to highlight the flow of ideas. One idea, one paragraph. It keeps the train of thought running smoothly, makes it easier to follow.
But even if you can go for a while on one thought, with no new speakers, you should start thinking about a new paragraph at four sentences. Six is usually good. Ten-sentence paragraphs can be seen in professional novels, but at that point, your paragraph is looking really long. You should not make a single paragraph last half the length of the chapter, as you did here. It is sloppy, it is hard to read, and it really takes away from the story.
I want to say again, I like the premise. I like the idea. I just... really want to see it not simply done, but done well. And, well, you're the only one who can do that. So please, fix your formatting. Fight back against this baffling trend and make it better.
I really like this story. I really do. But the grammar and punctuation is awful to put it lightly. If you want, I can pre-read it before you post it. Just send me a pm anytime.
It's good so far can't wait to see more
This has got to be the first Trixie-related story I've read that made me want to read more!
great story i really like trixie inn this one keep up the good work
Do go on.
I would like to suggest a proofreader.
Look, I have to say. I like what I've read so far, but I couldn't get through half of the chapter. I like the ideas here. I disagree with the implication that Twilight outright refuses to give Trixie a second chance, I think "guarded acceptance" would be her more likely reaction to Trixie returning, considering the end of Trixie's episode, but okay, I've seen enough "Twilight hates Trixie" stories that I can roll with it. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to think that Pinkie is even capable of holding a grudge, but sure, fine, I get that the grudge is the whole premise. Overall, I would keep reading.
The grammar isn't great, by which I mean, you need to remember to punctuate every sentence, even if it's in quotation marks. And really, that's not what an ellipsis is supposed to look like. It's only three periods. I've seen some insist on preceding each one with a space, as well, and formally that's correct, though I think the common usage, with no preceding spaces and a single space after, is really preferable.
But it's the formatting that makes this hard to read.
It seems, in fact, to be an increasing trend on this site, and it's one that I don't like one bit; writers will completely neglect the simplest of formatting elements. The paragraph break is the major one. There are situations in which a paragraph break is mandatory. For instance, only one character should be speaking per paragraph; if a new character begins speaking, you start a new paragraph. That is one of the most basic rules, and it is one you have failed to follow.
Then there are situations where a paragraph break isn't necessary, but should be considered in order to direct the reader's attention where you want it. Starting a new paragraph in the right place can emphasize the last line of the previous paragraph, or the first line of the next; making a paragraph shorter than the ones before and after it can provide extra emphasis. And paragraphs are supposed to highlight the flow of ideas. One idea, one paragraph. It keeps the train of thought running smoothly, makes it easier to follow.
But even if you can go for a while on one thought, with no new speakers, you should start thinking about a new paragraph at four sentences. Six is usually good. Ten-sentence paragraphs can be seen in professional novels, but at that point, your paragraph is looking really long. You should not make a single paragraph last half the length of the chapter, as you did here. It is sloppy, it is hard to read, and it really takes away from the story.
I want to say again, I like the premise. I like the idea. I just... really want to see it not simply done, but done well. And, well, you're the only one who can do that. So please, fix your formatting. Fight back against this baffling trend and make it better.
>reads description
I can already tell this will be pretty dam good dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
I really like this story. I really do. But the grammar and punctuation is awful to put it lightly. If you want, I can pre-read it before you post it. Just send me a pm anytime.
this is the second trixie related story that made me want to go on
the first being the piano man. by the sentient cloud
This is really cool