- Member Since 15th Dec, 2012
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Freewing Alchemist P
Hard worikng Writer. Likes to read stories and Impove his skills. Has a strange sences of humor, don't hold it against me.
Freewing Alchemist P
Joined 15th Dec, 2012 ·
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Freewing Alchemist P · 7.3k words · 21 17 · 2.3k views
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Chapter title:
So... A little like Pattycakes? Just another question is... F/F (Female/Female)? Or Female Dominant hypnotizing stallion?
It's a unique angle that isn't normally pursued by writers, but I fear that your concept is lost in the execution.
The most glaring issue is the spelling and grammar choices. The occasional spelling mistake is perfectly understandable, but the amount of mistakes in this story makes it seem like you rushed through writing it without any sort of proofreading at the end. It doesn't bode well when even the story's description has some spelling mistakes. It would do your story well to read through it after a bit of a rest from the writing so that you can look at it with a fresh set of eyes. You may also try reading the story out loud or giving it to someone else to proof read it for you.
The pacing of the story seems a little rushed in most places which also hurts your concept's survival. Take your time describing the situation. The look of the room, how a character is feeling, smells, sounds, or the weather outside can help flesh out the scene in your readers' minds and help them believe in the story you're trying to portray. If you ever find yourself writing one too many two sentence paragraphs, try padding it out with some sentences with descriptive details.
And finally as a minor note, try to stay consistent with "Fleur Dis Lee"'s name. This site lists her as "Fleur de Lis", but like "Big McIntosh" there are different variations of acceptable spellings of their name. However, you seem to deviate between different version of her name, showing no commitment to one or the other. For consistency sake, it's important to pick your way of doing things and stick with it throughout the whole story.
With some refinement I could see this story doing decently well. It's a fresh enough idea that has much potential if you are willing to follow it the whole way.
7611151 I do not know if I got to thank you for your advice but thank you.
I will try to use it to make my story better.
Okay, sorry for taking so much time to comment on this great story, i was busy with reading other stuff. after rereading this I have looked over and it improvement are much better now, there are till a few confusions on what is happening. Like is Button losing his "organ" or is it the Orange of his mane? I am curious to know why his coat would become darker instead becoming off white like Fancy and Fleur. One of the problems that I see in your writing is that you have a tendency to shy aways with it comes to name some of the OC ponies and avoid doing any exposition on them, like explaining their relation with Fleur and Fancy; it would really help the quality of your story and to expand the world buiding. I wander when his horn will poke out. I wander if Fleur just suppress his memories or completely wiped them out of his mind. I still wander why Fleur decided to make him wear diapers despite his age, and why reteach him the alphabet. As for your question for the next chapter, I would love to see what Fancy Pants is doing in the meanwhile.
7694176
I'll explain that one soon.
you Mean Haypenny, Measured Lace, Boom Crane and so one?
You want them to all to turn in to unicorns?
Regressing mentally and rewriting memory their memory. BUT I am not sure where to explain it.
7696520 for the characters I was talking like some of the servants foals that there was a load of back story to them exempt for their names and that of there parents, it would have been nice to know that at least even if we never see them again in the story. it would also help to understand those two's motivation to serve their employers even in something that is obviously illegal, and know a few things about them would help.
I was assuming that they both wanted all unicorns, racial supremacy and all that, plus it fun to imagine all of them changing tribes.
It is not clear at all if she is ereacing their memories or not. I don't really mind but I would have imagine that she didn't consider that their memories would come back and some of them might start to remember things about their pass which would be fun to see hoe the both of them would try and make them thing that those memories are fake or they try a more intense prosess to make them forget. either way I don't mind.
ccan't wait to se the next one
7696591 I thought I talked about the potions, in an earlier chapter?
7699103 which detail do you mean?
7699136 Why buttons looks different and that each formula changes a spastic part of a pony to mach the parent.
If I didn't make that clear now I have to go back again to fix that.
But you think I have to make it more clear on the alteration of the memories and you think I should try to use the servants to try and explain Fancy and Fleur more?
7701526
The part where Fleur is pondering about how the foal is a bit hazy an confusing about her though speech , as I feel that she is trying to remind herself more about how to mix the formula rather then actually choosing which characteristics she will be giving to the foal as she doesn't sound like she is seriously thinking about it in anyway, from start to finish. For what little that I can infer from it she is going to keep Button into a colt give him the coat color, from the may she talks about future model, and make him into a unicon, but the mane and eye color was not mention as well as I didn't understand what she meant by " maybe a foal from another trib". also "So many choices" part seem to state that she is just casually thinking about, nos decision is really taken. And the fact that she just up and leave to get a foal doesn't help either.
Also, is is not stated that the hoof trim can change the gender of the foal either, not just the physic of the parent and which sort of confuses the previous statement about it as it wasn't mentioned precisely from the book or the Alchemist.
come to think of it is wasn't clear at all, that Fleur actually erased it or not his mind or just hidden it. I would help to be clear on that and as well as proving a reason why he hast to wear a diaper at least. Fro what I can tell from the 2th chapter it's more for her fun at least.
Sorry these are the confusion ed that I see for that part of the story.
7701639 OK, so that means I guess I have to back track and make more changes, to make it more clear,
Thanks for all your in put for the story.
By the way at least I got some thing right I wanted a hint of her having fun with it.
The premise seems good, and I can understand what's happening, but the execution is rather...choppy.
7715153 Thank you for your in put is there any suggestions you could provide to help me fix it?
why button mash?
and she basely kidnapped him!
i can't beaver she got away with kidnapped!
any news on the next chapter?
7733305 Sorry for not responding, Button Mash was a convenient grab and I know that a lot of people would love to see him.
Plus, I saw a clip form a YouTube.
7939789 Still working on it but I have a lot of family stuff I have to deal with first.
7940650 the worst thing is thing steal kid from loving mother. not if mother abuse the kids.
7940650 button mother will find her son. at all cost and older bother as will find him.
7940663 That's what I'm hoping for.
7940670 u are the writer so it up to u no matter what.
7940673 Sorry, I was trying to make a joke.
Well, this was a very interesting pair of chapters, I can certainly see that you have put a lot more work on them, and it shows a lot. I think you did a very good improvement in characterizing all the different characters especially the Flim and Flam brothers that I could actually recognize them better this time around. Fancy Pants and Fleur where great and the other characters too. Still I have a little, there is still room for improvement but you are on the right track. The story was well structured and most of the details where smoothly and well explained.
The Fancy Pants Chapter was a very interesting one as it talks about a tail of an unlikely family what has certainly some similarities with what he is doing with Fleur with the foal aping of al colt. I wonder if trail have some truth it and the colt was Fancy Pants or maybe one of his ancestors. I wonder what is left of that kelpie’s legacy, could some of her blood still be flowing in his veins and could it manifest itself in his newly acquired foals. It certainly adds a lot of an air of mystery to the story.
For the Fleur chapter I think it was also good but I feel that it should have been split into two parts as having four foals in one shot was a lot and I feel that you could have explored more about the how the foals life was like before they were to better understand their personality along with a little more comedy. Also I would have liked to have known what sort of combination she had decided them for the foalmula. Cheerlee was also well portraying in this chapter too. Still, I think you perfectly captured them in the chapter. I would have like to have seen what physical changes they Button in this chapter and I think it would have helped that he be given his new name by Fleur along with Snip and Snails.
For the other two foals I think they should have been keep in a separate chapter and I would have like to see the scene with Diamond Tiara bringing the other foals to the set trap. I think they were both well portrayed and I hope we will see their parents in later chapters, I figure that the colt is Flash Sentry’s little brother if you decided to follow the fan base theory, I wonder if Twilight will get wind of this. I think Vinyl and Octavia were also good, but I find it a little odd that Fleur just decided to give the colt away like that, even doe it was in her best interest to do that I think that Fleur should have shown more though on the matter to show how callous she actually is in bargaining away the colt like that even doe she is in fact crazy anyway. I wonder how the colt will look like when the transformation will he’s done on him. On that same note I don’t think Fleur should have gone into such detail about the foalmula and should have just said that he will truly become their son, both in mind and blood. The conclusion was good and I do like the foreshadowing of the next victims they will have next. I how well will start seeing what will be Fleur’s and Fancy’s plans for how they will raze there new family soon. Keep up the good work.
Also, why do you call Earth Ponies as Earthbound anyway? Also you might want to look over some words a few more times.
any progress?
8385348 Slow but I am still working. I am working on three chapters at once.
she should pay the kidnapping.
8441635
I am sorry but could you explain that a little more?
8442836
Under federal law, kidnapping can be a serious felony offense, with prison sentences of 20 or more years depending on the felon's criminal history. for button mash
8442869 Well this is a story and I hope you will keep reading to see what happens.
Oh this was fun to read, I wonder what the old goat had in mind for him, and what he is plaining to do when he sees his mother would he ask her to have an alibi for his wife about the foal or could it be something darker? I love how you present Fancy in your story. I will be looking forward to see what next you come up with.
8522842Thanks you I will try my best.
Well overall this fic is great. My advice will be to give more context in these foals. Not just their backstories but how do they feel as they regress or how they were before they were hypnotized. Also Cheerilee is spelt like that lol. Also add more to how the foals become her foals the physical changes as well as the mental. Be more descrpitive also as a side note do more then having them just messing their diapers maybe have them drool or start babbling nonsence. Once is fine but doing it over amd over again is boring. Anyways im inpressed so far and this is really good. Ill continue watching to see how this goes.
8617430 Thank you for you your point of view I'm glad that you enjoyed it so far. I will try and implement your suggestions to make my story better.
Got any updates?
8656205 working on them, had to switch some chapters around What do you think about the cover art? Mix-up made it, I hope you will like what is going to come next.
8656313
You I only how Doris justice free button mash.
( and yes love mix-up artwork!)
Zzzz
9379196 sorry for it being boring.
Well this has been a fun read with so many new chapter coming up all at once, I did like F&F scene, and Haypanny's chapter, Fancy's visit to the doctor. Can't wait to see what happens next.
that's a lot of spelling errors, is english your second language by chance?