There's a Crayon in my Soup

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #1 · Sep 2nd, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7531132
I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for adding this to your favourites.

Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Spectrum #2 · Sep 2nd, 2016 · 2 · ·

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Da feels! Why?
Anyway great story! I really enjoyed it!

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #3 · Sep 2nd, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7533034
Thanks! I'm flattered.

RhetCon

RhetCon #4 · Sep 5th, 2016 · 2 · ·

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Decently done. Especially with the pacing. Didn't feel too rushed like stories that end like this normally do.

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #5 · Sep 5th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7540374
Thank you.

boardgamebrony

boardgamebrony #6 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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WOW! This was an incredibly well done story! Not only are the images vivid and engaging, but you can really feel the pain Lonefree is going through.

I am honored that this is the result of you being inspired by one of my works. <3 This work is FAR better than my own by leaps and bounds, and I am humbled to know that I can inspire a writer to excel in such a way.

Enjoy this fantastic jazz noir from one of the best games ever made while you read my review

The steel blue stallion sulked as he sullenly sauntered down the streets of the godforsaken hellhole that was the grand city of Manehattan. The moon’s grim light bounced off his back, and put his dim shadow before him: it stretched to an unbelievable length down the dark street. Just what he needed: another attempt to remind him how far he’d fallen.

What an incredible opening image! Very atmospheric and really sets the tone of the rest of the work.

It’d been a while since he had any hope for his- or any -equinity, since to his eyes: there’s just no love left in the world. He sat on the hard pavement of Bogart Street

Nice Humphrey Bogart reference in an appropriate noir story :D

To him, that displayed exactly what he had become: everypony’s sewer: somepony to throw all their crap on, and ditch their water at. The kicks he had received from his former landlords as they “escorted” him out were as hard as bricks, and broke what was once his glass soul.

I'm loving this imagery, especially that bit about the "glass soul." So poetic!

Very few ever got somepony to love, not that love was something worth working towards anyways. But, at least it made a decent distraction on cold nights. Not a lot of mares go wild for a two-bit bum with a scrappy beard, however, so he stopped trying to get company over a long time ago.

Awww so many people would find this sad!

That’s what any mare wanted from him, as if his personality and dignity count for nothing: just somepony to keep them warm at night, and fill their pockets with enough to buy fur coats, black dresses, and gold watches. He had come across a few nice mares, who would’ve been satisfied with a warm meal, and it was them who any of his money went to.

Aww, that shows the kind of heart he has. He really does care about others.

“Shitty Limits.
Population: far more than too many.”
The ink had started to drip off in the rain, and he watched as it fell to the damp ground: just another one of his weeks of work, slowly becoming lost into the black, forgotten eternity of oblivion.

The slow erasure of his work is like a metaphor for his perceived impermanence on the city. Wonderful!

The stallion found himself slowly returning to his “Home” in one of the abandoned wooden crates that made a decent living space. Still cold, though: with only a sheet for a doorway, and puny holes for windows.

This dismal image gave me an idea for a story starring Sunset Shimmer, all alone out there after living in the human world with no home. Looks like we keep inspiring one another back and forth :D

He recognized that sweet tone: the nectar that supplied his ears with sugary nutrition. Her voice flowed like a mountain spring, and crashed into his ears with the force of a thunderous tide smacking into a Cliffside.

That is absolutely beautiful <3

Such a flawless portrait of color would never socialize with a moldy grey crayon.

What a wonderfully concise image of her beauty and his own feelings about himself.

The harsh liquid burned his throat and tongue like a cold fire conquering a dry savannah, but it was no less than what he deserved. His crimes of even having feelings had to be cured somehow, and this bottle should leave him memoryless for at least the next twelve hours.
“Don’t get drunk tonight, alright, Lonefree? You never know when a buyer will show up for you.” Tap said cautiously, resting a hoof on his shoulder.

Even in this moment, I could feel that Love Tap wasn't necessarily talking about a buyer. Maybe that was part of it, but I think she was more worried about Lonefree's mental and physical health and she probably wanted him sober so she could tell him how she felt later, as she worked up to that after he spoke to her right after this scene about his love for the drink and her.

He gently took her hoof, and patted it kindly. He slowly lifted it off his shoulder, delicately as a flower, and set it on the bar. She looked at him: eyes full of concern, and care. He looked back: eyes empty of hope, and joy.
“You could do so much better…”
With that, he tucked the bottle into his pocket, and stepped out of the bar without another word.

Aww...I really do feel his logic here, though. (Is it possible to feel logic? Imma go with yes.) He cared so much about her that he didn't want to be a burden to her.

“You’re right: in the eyes of many ponies, I could do much better than a humble pony, who once wanted nothing more than to bring light to a dark city. But I don’t want to: I don’t want to be stuck with a stallion who only wants me for my looks, or my body. I want a companion I can be proud of, somepony to love me for who I am: somepony to hold me when the nights get cold, somepony to share my thoughts with, who would understand my heart’s desire. Somepony to bring home to my child: and tell him that he has a daddy now, after all these years.”

This is a beautiful admission by Love Tap and a wonderful counter to what Lonefree said. It tells so much about what matters to her in one deep moment, which is very reminiscent about the heartfelt talks had in many noir films. My favorite moment in this story was this back and forth between Love Tap and Lonefree. <3 <3

The next day, for the first time in months, he had a buyer for one of his works. Fortunately, he also had one hell of a hangover, so he wasn’t that negotiable about the price. Three thousand, eight hundred bits was what the painting went for: enough for him to buy an apartment for the next few weeks.

Whoa. That's some serious dough. I'm still unclear in pony canon how much a bit is worth. i keep thinking it's somewhere between like...25 cents and a dollar. But an apartment in the big city for a few weeks with 3800 bits. Maybe 380 dollars? I'm Twilight-ing this so hard.

He knew better than to try and convince ponies of the beauties of the city, though: they were only those little tourist marks you’d hit on your way to somewhere else entirely. This city was like a poisoned cake: elegant, charming, and breathtaking on the outside. But as soon as you take a bite out: you’re on your own.

I gosh-dang love this metaphors. :D

He looked down, and sure enough: one of the pastel pony’s pink crayons had found its way into his previously flawless soup. He simply stared at it, feeling the cold of the streets work its way back into his heart. Here he was, in the midst of perfection, and cruel fate had handed him another platter of her shit.

Aww. I felt so bad for him here...

As he lifted it from his soup, and examined it, he noticed what seemed to be backwards writing on the inside of the wrapper.
Carefully: he peeled the wrapper off, and looked on the inside. What was written, despite its simplicity, rattled him to the core:
“Color is a choice.”

Dang, Pinkie! That's deep. :)

“Are... you still looking for a husband... who’ll love you for who you are?”

AWWWW

AND THEN THEY MADE OUT HARDCORE

---

I have a single criticism of this work :)

You said in the beginning:

There was one pony missing from their box, however. But he knew exactly where to find them: in the same refuge he was heading to.

“I thought I’d find you here, after your ‘room’ was empty.” He chuckled, handing her the five bit pouch. “But, as always, the walk was well worth it, to be able to talk to you again.”

and then in the final scene you write about Love Tap:

She heard a knock at the door, and stood as the shadow of her ceiling fan slapped around the dull room: as if it was trying to slice her neck from below her head.

So...does she live in a box in Centrail Park or does she live in an apartment or house?

The dynamic would be totally different between Love Tap and Lonefree Bowcart depending on whether she lived alongside him in the box community (which seems unlikely since she has a job that might be enough to help her have at least an apartment) or whether she lived in an apartment (which might help her see Lonefree in a more sympathetic way).

This was an incredible story! Absolutely loved it <3 Makes me want to write more noir myself...AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES! :D

Fav'd and upvoted! :D

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #7 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640431
Once again, you honor me with such a flattering review. Now, I shall reply where necessary.

First: Thanks for the music! I'll have to listen to it later, though. My headphones broke.

Second: I'm glad that my noir-style poetry and characters are apparently so engaging. I admit, I was not expecting you to place it above your own: that is highly flattering.

Third: As far as your one criticism, let me point out a couple things you said for context.

Even in this moment, I could feel that Love Tap wasn't necessarily talking about a buyer. Maybe that was part of it, but I think she was more worried about Lonefree's mental and physical health and she probably wanted him sober so she could tell him how she felt later, as she worked up to that after he spoke to her right after this scene about his love for the drink and her.

So...does she live in a box in Centrail Park or does she live in an apartment or house?
The dynamic would be totally different between Love Tap and Lonefree Bowcart depending on whether she lived alongside him in the box community (which seems unlikely since she has a job that might be enough to help her have at least an apartment) or whether she lived in an apartment (which might help her see Lonefree in a more sympathetic way).

I intended that quote from Tap to also provide the subtle implication that she had something to do with attracting a buyer to his work, while also saving up some money for herself through her job. After his rejection of her, she spent said money on an apartment where she could cry at a distance: not wanting to retreat to a home that only brought her closer to him. What she did to gain Lonefree said attention from the buyer is intentionally left to the reader's imagination, hopefully making it more relatable.

Also: did you get the reference I made with adding Love Tap?

boardgamebrony

boardgamebrony #8 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640527

I intended that quote from Tap to also provide the subtle implication that she had something to do with attracting a buyer to his work, while also saving up some money for herself through her job. After his rejection of her, she spent said money on an apartment where she could cry at a distance: not wanting to retreat to a home that only brought her closer to him. What she did to gain Lonefree said attention from the buyer is intentionally left to the reader's imagination, hopefully making it more relatable.

OHHH I actually kinda got that feeling that Love Tap had a very good reason to be called Love Tap. Her name gave me that impression at one point, but then I didn't think about it much after getting so engrossed in the story and the connection between her and Lonefree.

Also, Love Tap sounds like a metaphor for punching. If that is a reference to something like a movie, then perhaps it's from that movie where the famous line is uttered "I could've been a contender!" but I cannot remember the movie. :P

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #9 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640572
Indeed: your original observations were absolutely correct, there was just another story implied there.

She's not really a movie reference, though. Maybe this might look familiar?
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/4/391140/full.gif

boardgamebrony

boardgamebrony #10 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640593

OHHHH Button's Mom! Whose fan-name I don't remember XD

That's cool! OH When she talks about her kid not having a dad! HEY

it makes sense now :p

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #11 · Oct 14th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640612
I try.

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #12 · Oct 15th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7640612
You know, you're right about us inspiring each other back and forth. I am seriously considering a sequel/parallel to this: from Love Tap's point of view, with the same noir style.

Aw, hell: I have a feeling this cycle might go on for a while...

Crysis Commander

Crysis Commander #13 · Oct 24th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Normally not a fan of Noirs, but holy crap was this an amazing read!

I could practically feel Lonefree's despair, his loathing of the world around him. That part already had me hooked. Also, when Love Tap confessed her feelings to him, I was sure it would result in some kind of expected ending where he'd say yes and everything ends happy.

I was pleasantly surprised at the direction it took.

The way you tied the actual episode of the show into the story was a great idea, as well. It really gave the fic a sense of realism, as if something along those lines could have actually happened in the show.

Color is a choice.

That's actually pretty amazing. At first I thought it was a bit of a thing Pinkie would say, but reflecting on it, it was incredibly deep despite its simplicity. When it comes down to it, it is a choice. One can decide to see the color in their lives or let everything turn to the dull grey Lonefree had. Luckily, Pinkie was able to inadvertently show him the color of Manehattan.

One of the top fics I've read in quite some time. You've earned a thumbs up, favorite, and follow from me.

I look forward to your future works.

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #14 · Oct 24th, 2016 · · ·

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7668378

One of the top fics I've read in quite some time. You've earned a thumbs up, favorite, and follow from me.

Omigosh, thank you!

NicLove

NicLove #15 · Nov 22nd, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Before I read it, what is the Dark tag for ?

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #16 · Nov 22nd, 2016 · · ·

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7741652
Noir Drama and Atmosphere.

SpiritOfDancingFlames

SpiritOfDancingFlames #17 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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It's beautiful how you're right in that color is most certainly a choice.
I often get down on myself, let the world fade away. It's the people in my life that bring the color back when things aren't as happy as they should be.
Brilliant story. I loved it, every bit. (all five of them ) Simple, yet the lesson is anything but, it works its way into the very heart of your readers. I applaud you. I'm going to actually give this my Holy Muffin award - for the fics on this site I find to be awesome without parallel. And this has earned it.
Yours,
~Spirit

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #18 · Nov 30th, 2016 · · ·

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7758906
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you loved it so much!

Although, what do you mean by "All five of them"?

SpiritOfDancingFlames

SpiritOfDancingFlames #19 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7758935

I loved it, every bit. (all five of them )

where he’d kept his saved money, all five bits of it

I made a bad pun. Forgive me.

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #20 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7758952
OH! Nice one!

SpiritOfDancingFlames

SpiritOfDancingFlames #21 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7758956 Thank you!

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #22 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7758959
You're welcome.

-o-

-o- #23 · Nov 30th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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I read this entire thing while imagining an old-timey black and white film featuring Lonefree with lot's of sad violin music, and french accented narration done by our dear Lonefree Bowcart.