Cicero, member of an alien race of Protectors, has been ripped from his planet and thrust onto Equis. Now he’ll need the help of some new equine friends to defeat an unimaginable evil that’s broken free of its prison inside of Equis.
okay... maybe its my shameless lack of restraint when it comes to reading fanfictions but i really like where this is going a bit wordy but that too probably has a lot to do with how other people have written there stories that all said plz make more please.
7296841 Less introspection and more action. I had feared that would be a problem In the opening chapters. Hard to avoid with new experiences and introductions. Needless to say I will hopefully address this problem in the next chapter. Thank you for your thoughts and observations. 7297025 You as well.
7297596 the wordy comment was actually more praise then con it added depth there were only two parts of this story where i felt a need to push myself through and that was the beginning where if i was to write several paragraphs could probably explain in greater detail why i felt it didn't flow well, and the question answer bit throughout chap three which was less a slog to read but not very interesting i understand its purpose but would actually suggest keeping those instances to well placed tactical and summarized time skips but also not have the characters learn to much from them so that at a later time we can have more interesting reactions that are dynamic. Of course now I'm the wordy one so take from that what you will. Love what i have read so far and honestly even if a chore anymore scenes like that won't phase me or deter me from further reading :) (I have no idea why I'm half-assing the sentence structure in this but meh)
7297632 I feel the same about the first chapter. I'm not sure how to fix it yet but I'm looking into it. I also agree about revealing to much too fast in ch.3 I'm hoping to avoid long periods of talk like that as well but I felt at least one at the beginning was necessary. It's nice to have confirmation that someone else noticed these issues at well. This well help in avoiding the same issues later. Thank you again for your help and perspective.
I love this story and must know, is there more to come, or is this the end? I see so much potential with this and hope that it does indeed continue! There are so many unanswered questions that I would love see answered in the story too!
7299255 Don't worry. I'll keep writing. I actually find writing therapeutic, which is not what I expected when I started. As long as someone is interested I'll keep posting. The only reason I haven't posted more this weekend is simply because I'm the Engineer on call for my company this weekend. And for some reason things keep breaking ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ. 7297829 Thanks! I edit myself but no one is perfect. Just point em out to me and I'll take care of it.
7299568 Oh, trust me, I understand I edit mine as well. They're basically basic mistakes: not capitalizing "I"s, wrong "too," "to," or "there," "their," "they're" etc...nothing too big. Only other thing I was debating whether or not to bring up is to ask that you please try and not make your character a Mary Sue, especially not since he started piss-drunk, for lack of a better term. It just gave me that sinking feeling at the end, as well as his transition from panic to calm not being too fluid. The story is good, altogether, please don't get me wrong, I'm just tired of relatable characters becoming un-relatable.
7299873 Smoother emotional transitions. Good advice. I will work on this. As for Gary Stu/Mary Su concern I don't think any author sets out to create a character that is inherently infallible as it would be hard to form emotional connections with such a character. However I recognize that this is a very real threat to any writers story. Without spoiling anything I'll say that my character does have interesting abilities, as he's shown, but he will not become some omniscient omnipotent god. However if anyone ever feels that the balance of power between characters is getting out of hand and ruining the story they need only let me know and I'll reevaluate.
I have updated Ch.1 to hopefully correct flow issues. I believe the incongruities between the supposed inebriated state of my character and his responding interactions with an unknown environment didn't seem natural and thus caused this issue. As such I have updated it. It is not necessary to read it again if you don't want to but It does now contain 20% more drunk shenanigans. Chapter 4 is also well under way but as Ch.1 is the first thing people see when starting my story I feel as though it needed to be corrected posthaste.
p.s. Sorry to that one person who was reading ch. 1 as I edited and re-posted it. I didn't mean to yank the words out from under you.
While I'm glad this is probably him X Fluttershy, I liked the moment where Twilight was totally after his sexy brain.
I know what I said before, but since I noticed that he is an Human, I'm kind of happy that he is going to get some powers, but at the same time isn't going to be OP.
I don't like it if they make an OP Pony, and I don't like the Human to be a wimp, or if they make the world much, much much more deadly for the Human, Cartoon or not.
Otherwise I would like it if you don'T start with the idea of him living .... I don't know 100 years, and them living for 600 years or something. That's always a sad part in a romance and the knowledge they could achive while he wouldn'T even manage to learn all of it.
Either ther are just silently treaten as eually in that regard, or the magic is just doing something to his body.
okay... maybe its my shameless lack of restraint when it comes to reading fanfictions but i really like where this is going a bit wordy but that too probably has a lot to do with how other people have written there stories that all said plz make more please.
7296841
Less introspection and more action. I had feared that would be a problem In the opening chapters. Hard to avoid with new experiences and introductions. Needless to say I will hopefully address this problem in the next chapter. Thank you for your thoughts and observations.
7297025
You as well.
7297596 the wordy comment was actually more praise then con it added depth there were only two parts of this story where i felt a need to push myself through and that was the beginning where if i was to write several paragraphs could probably explain in greater detail why i felt it didn't flow well, and the question answer bit throughout chap three which was less a slog to read but not very interesting i understand its purpose but would actually suggest keeping those instances to well placed tactical and summarized time skips but also not have the characters learn to much from them so that at a later time we can have more interesting reactions that are dynamic. Of course now I'm the wordy one so take from that what you will. Love what i have read so far and honestly even if a chore anymore scenes like that won't phase me or deter me from further reading :) (I have no idea why I'm half-assing the sentence structure in this but meh)
7297632
I feel the same about the first chapter. I'm not sure how to fix it yet but I'm looking into it.
I also agree about revealing to much too fast in ch.3 I'm hoping to avoid long periods of talk like that as well but I felt at least one at the beginning was necessary.
It's nice to have confirmation that someone else noticed these issues at well. This well help in avoiding the same issues later.
Thank you again for your help and perspective.
This is pretty good so far, a few words missing or misspelled.
I love this story and must know, is there more to come, or is this the end? I see so much potential with this and hope that it does indeed continue! There are so many unanswered questions that I would love see answered in the story too!
7299255
Don't worry. I'll keep writing. I actually find writing therapeutic, which is not what I expected when I started. As long as someone is interested I'll keep posting. The only reason I haven't posted more this weekend is simply because I'm the Engineer on call for my company this weekend. And for some reason things keep breaking ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ.
7297829
Thanks! I edit myself but no one is perfect. Just point em out to me and I'll take care of it.
7299568 Oh, trust me, I understand I edit mine as well. They're basically basic mistakes: not capitalizing "I"s, wrong "too," "to," or "there," "their," "they're" etc...nothing too big.
Only other thing I was debating whether or not to bring up is to ask that you please try and not make your character a Mary Sue, especially not since he started piss-drunk, for lack of a better term. It just gave me that sinking feeling at the end, as well as his transition from panic to calm not being too fluid. The story is good, altogether, please don't get me wrong, I'm just tired of relatable characters becoming un-relatable.
7299873
Smoother emotional transitions. Good advice. I will work on this.
As for Gary Stu/Mary Su concern I don't think any author sets out to create a character that is inherently infallible as it would be hard to form emotional connections with such a character. However I recognize that this is a very real threat to any writers story. Without spoiling anything I'll say that my character does have interesting abilities, as he's shown, but he will not become some omniscient omnipotent god.
However if anyone ever feels that the balance of power between characters is getting out of hand and ruining the story they need only let me know and I'll reevaluate.
7300670 Sounds good, my friend.
I have updated Ch.1 to hopefully correct flow issues. I believe the incongruities between the supposed inebriated state of my character and his responding interactions with an unknown environment didn't seem natural and thus caused this issue. As such I have updated it. It is not necessary to read it again if you don't want to but It does now contain 20% more drunk shenanigans.
Chapter 4 is also well under way but as Ch.1 is the first thing people see when starting my story I feel as though it needed to be corrected posthaste.
p.s. Sorry to that one person who was reading ch. 1 as I edited and re-posted it. I didn't mean to yank the words out from under you.
While I'm glad this is probably him X Fluttershy, I liked the moment where Twilight was totally after his sexy brain.
I know what I said before, but since I noticed that he is an Human, I'm kind of happy that he is going to get some powers, but at the same time isn't going to be OP.
I don't like it if they make an OP Pony, and I don't like the Human to be a wimp, or if they make the world much, much much more deadly for the Human, Cartoon or not.
Otherwise I would like it if you don'T start with the idea of him living .... I don't know 100 years, and them living for 600 years or something. That's always a sad part in a romance and the knowledge they could achive while he wouldn'T even manage to learn all of it.
Either ther are just silently treaten as eually in that regard, or the magic is just doing something to his body.
Good story.
I like this Twilight. She's pretty funny.
FINALLY!!! a pony that changes the way they speak to accommodate other species.
Bit of a case of textwall, and there's some editing/proofing—it's a bit rough around the edges.
No glaring faults with the story/plot so far.