Ever wonder how life could change in the blink of a eye, where one day you're living your normal life without any idea of what was about to happen to you and next thing you know it's all different. This story explores how that could happen for very two different and yet in some ways similar ponies. Diamond Tiara is a rich snob who loves her parents and wants to be exactly like them. Written Script on the other hoof is a almost complete jerk and history teacher who wants nothing to do with the rich high class ponies. Both however, are about to be thrown together after a horrible event. Stand back, this will be a bumpy ride...
Broken Diamond by The Bricklayer
Part 1: Written Script's Bad Day
The first, if not the only sign something was wrong in the mostly quiet little town of Ponyville he supposed, was the smell. Written Script or "That Ass" or "The Ass" as most preferred to call him for various reasons may not have had the best sense of smell in his family (That title belonged to his cousin Raindrops) or his household even (That one belonged to his adopted son) but even he could smell that smell of smells. The harsh unmistakable for anything else smell of smoke. Looking out his window, he saw exactly where it was coming from. Rising high from the other end of Ponyville, the high end part or Snob Hill as Script mockingly called it most of the time, the smoke could be seen. If he had to guess, the smoke was coming from the manor home belonging to the Rich Family.
"Wonder what's happened?" Script wondered aloud to nopony in particular as he looked out his bedroom window. It was a Saturday, so he'd slept in for a few hours longer then normal, and his son wasn't even up.
"Could be just another backyard barbeque really." Script muttered, but inwardly deep down even he didn't believe his own words. Backyard barbeques did not generate that much smoke. Sighing and muttering something under his breath about missing breakfast he rushed downstairs not even bothering to throw off his pink bathrobe or brushing his teeth or anything like that. Ponies stared, no they outright gawked at him as he flew right out the front door and down the street.
"There goes my reputation, right out the bloody doorway." He muttered as he ran ever more faster. "Come on legs, don't fail me now!"
The previous day had started out well enough, or if not that at least normally enough Written supposed. He'd taught some of the last history classes of the day as that was his job as a teacher. He'd dealt with certain students and put a few in detention for being rowdy and generally celebrating the upcoming weekend. (Okay, more then a few.) Hopefully, they'd learned something, and not just about history. He'd graded papers, despite this being his least favorite part of the job by the way. (Written suspected nopony considered this their favorite part.) Anyways, little did Script know it but life was about to change for him in one very big way...
When he arrived at the burning home of the Riches, it was already dangerously close to meeting the fire's goal of burning it to the ground. For a brief moment, the manor was replaced with a house in Trottingham, and a pony outside it was held back by the fireponies as he screamed for his parents. Script shook his head to clear himself of these memories, it was best not to dwell on them.
"Okay, definitely not a afternoon barbecue gone wrong." Script corrected himself.
Pegasi, led by one Rainbow Dash who was shouting orders right and left were already hard at work creating stormclouds to quench the blaze with cooling rain. From behind him, Script then heard a voice that made him mentally groan. The voice's owner was always able to ruin his day, and today it ruined worst then it already had been.
"Well well, didn't expect to find you here. Thought you didn't like the "Rich Gits" as you always so nicely put it." Said Script's archenemy and next door neighbor Good Eats.
"Well, to be fair I don't like most ponies. You included, and you're pretty high up on the list I might add." Script shot back as a response and Good Eats rolled his eyes. He was a coal black stallion, wearing a chef's unicorn and a chef's hat on his flank.
"Still mad about the shrubbery incident?" Eats mocked and Script growled. Of course he was still mad about that, didn't Eats remember that was why they'd been feuding the past few years?
"Don't make me punch you." Script snapped. "Cause don't think I will, you berk."
"Oh yes." Eats mocked with another eye roll. "There it is. Must it always come down to violence? You temper needs work."
"Your BRAIN needs work!" Script retorted.
It was about this time when Twilight Sparkle trotted up and sighed to herself and facehoofed. She heard these two shouting, really it was impossible not to. Their arguments and feuding was legendary and generally made for good gossip for those who enjoyed that sort of thing. Not that she'd ever sink that low, it just wasn't her. Twilight much preferred her books for entertainment. With another sigh, she pulled Eats and Script apart with her magic before they came to blows.
"Save it you two. Is this really the time for your little spats?" Twilight snapped at them in annoyance. Both stallions hung their heads and looked somewhat ashamed of themselves. They knew there was a time and place for this, and this wasn't it. Behind them, part of the Rich Manor collapsed as Twilight frowned to herself.
"We're... We're running out of time. The fireponies won't get here before this manor burns." Twilight murmured, and unknowingly sent Script into another flashback.
"Please, help! Anypony!"
This made Script make up his mind. Something had to be done, and he'd do it even if it was stupid enough to send him on a one way trip to the afterlife.
"Well, somepony's got to step up and it might as well be me!" Script snarled, and Twilight gaped at him in shock. Surely he wasn't serious?
"B-but you're not even trained! You'll be killed!" Twilight shouted in concern and was ignored as Script ran off into the blazing inferno of a manor home. Twilight groaned and once again hoof met face.
"Guess I'd better go save him before he gets himself killed." Twilight muttered before she too ran towards the manor. Good Eats sighed and muttered to a nearby Roseluck "Y'know, for a teacher he's not very smart is he?" Roseluck nodded in agreement as Eats shook his head and muttered "I don't mourn for idiots or morons in general. And Script's definitely one right now."
Inside the manor, Written Script searched high and low of every room in the manor even as flames danced around him in orange and red and all the while the building's structure was beginning to crumble. Currently, right now our hero was in the kitchen where in a corner of the room Diamond's mother Spoiled lay dead. Script grumbled "I know I'm supposed to show respect for the dead but I don't know about you..."
Then, out of the corner of his eye, Script thought he saw somepony dash off into another room and then out the back door. Script let out a "Oi! You there! I want some answers!"
But when he tried to pursue, Script was blocked by a wall of flame with some boards landing behind that. Script cursed, by the time he removed the blockage his quarry would be long gone. Hopefully the plods outside would have 'em. Right now, he had bigger fish to fry, unfortunate choice of words as it was.
"Remember, remember the fifth of November. Bonfire Night in Canterlot has nothing on this place." Script uttered before spotting some stairs which he dashed up.
"Maybe... Maybe I'm having false hopes here. Maybe I was wrong and nopony is alive in here besides little old me. Puh, if I die in a bloody blaze of glory I wonder if anyone would care besides good old Potion. Doubt my ex would give a damn. Thinks I'm a "Brute" probably. Or at least a git." Script muttered once more to himself as he ran upwards.
Yes, Script was married at one point, if not for very long. Oh, he was happy while it lasted but his natural demeanor of being a outright jerk quickly ended things. At the time, he blamed her for things ending the way they did but nowadays he knew better and that it was him who made the marriage go up in smoke... Just as the house he was in was about to do now with him and anypony still alive in it if he didn't hurry.
Anyways, Script was just about to give up hope he heard it. The sound of a little filly coughing up a storm behind the doors that led to the manor's personal library. He kicked in the door and entered. There was Diamond Tiara under a desk with her father lying nearby badly burned. Script took a quick look at him but almost instantly regretted it. The sight would give him nightmares for a very long time to come.
"Who... Who are you?" Diamond asked weakly. Script showed a rare smile.
"I'm a history teacher." Script uttered in a tone he thought sounded badass but quickly realized it wasn't quite that. "Wow, going over it in my head made it sound reaaalll great but hearing it aloud it just sounds like crap." He muttered under his breath. Diamond meanwhile had passed out from the smoke. Script hoisted her up onto his back and ran for it out of the room just as it became consumed by flame...
Given the circumstances of A. his lack of training and B. the sheer need to get out of their asap I'll let it slide somewhat, but lifting DT on his back is a er, problematic choice of extraction, probably still the best call but the issue still ought to be raised.
The following comes from Wikipedia's page on the Firemen's carry but the faults would still work for a pony back carry.
The last part can be ignored because Pony bodies rather than humans but yeah problematic.
Of course the same wikipedia article notes
So unless Script could have done a three legged run with one of his forelegs carrying DT it may have been the only choice,
I just realize I countered my own critique... meh
7201736 Yeah, while I was writing this I was thinking it was a fairly stupid move for him to put her on his back. Of course, he could pick her up in his mouth like cats do to their young. (Shrugs) Of course, that would also put her in danger in some ways but then again there really is no real truly safe course of action in this situation.
7201754 In short all he was left with was figuring out which method of moving her out had the fewest failings...
Remember, remember! The fifth of November, The Gunpowder treason and plot; I know of no reason Why the Gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot!
I'd cut the omniscient narration at the beginning. I wouldn't have opened this story unless I'd already read the short or long description, so putting it again at the start of the story is needlessly redundant.
I know a lot of people have trouble just starting their story with, well, story. I had that problem too.
On that same note, why is the title of the story and chapter repeated at the start? Did you copy and paste this from somewhere?
This is so overwritten it's hilarious, which is probably not what you should be going for just yet...
Everything about the scene of Written Script sensing and running for a fire is a dangerous case of burying the lead. I'm trying to feel fear and suspense because, well, there's a house on fire, but your matter of fact tone and the fact that you keep interrupting the story to tell Written's backstory makes it impossible. The notes on Written's life and how the previous day had gone are all well written and interesting and everything, but they don't belong here. There's a fire. Talk about the fire. We can worry about the rest later.
...And having read the scene with the fire, I'm suspecting the problem is that you don't know how to describe a house on fire. TBH, I couldn't describe one myself either. Reference pictures of Diamond Tiara's mansion and on-fire houses might be useful.
I know I complained about your wordiness only a few paragraphs ago, but this paragraph is actually too succinct. This is probably supposed to be important foreshadowing, but for people who read fast like me, it's pretty blink-and-you'll-miss-it.
Normally, people standing in front of a house burning down don't engage in banter with each other, no matter how much they hate each other. They're too busy being horrified and scared by the fire.
1. Referring to Written Script as 'our hero' bugs me a little, but that one could be chalked up to personal preference.
2. You're not allowed to just casually mention that 'yeah, there was a dead character in the corner'. What did she die from, anyway? Is she on fire?
3. People who suddenly find dead bodies usually don't make quips, no matter how big of a jerk the dead person was. They're just horrified. Your character is coming off as somewhat sociopathic and I don't think that's a good idea...
Aaaaand now he's suddenly acting natural. Poor Rich...
1. The second quotation was explaining the joke.
2. Stop talking, grab the filly, and run.
Allow me to offset my meanness...
While all the character notes about Written Script were badly placed, they did make me want to know him more. I recommend having one chapter, or maybe one scene, of Written Script's status quo where you can put all the character notes, and then have the fire in the next chapter where you can give it your full attention. This would fix most of the problems I have with this chapter.