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What if a cutie mark was not just related to a pony finding their talent but also a sign of a pony becomming an adult?
This was the question that Apple Bloom thought about after another failed attempt to get her mark.
But is her attempt to get her mark through magic going to work, and more importantly, what will the consequences of her actions be?
"is her attempt to get her mark through magic going to work"
Have we already forgotten that its impossible to get ones Cutie Mark through magic?
I really love the concept, but I'd love even more to see a slightly more refined writing style.
For starters, really try to describe the scenario they're in to as much detail as you can imagine. Were they on a field trip? Did they venture into the Everfree Forest? Whose idea was it to go trailblazing? What time of day is it? Is the weather bright and sunny, or dark and dreary? What kind of escapades did they go through to get here?
Here's an example to see how I would write this:
The orange pegasus groaned as she flicked yet another hapless twig from her magenta mane. "Did you get yours yet, Applebloom?"
Applebloom creaked her head around, a small glimmer of hope sparking within the depths of her eyes, only to droop her head back down in despair. Though this little adventure of theirs had hardly been enjoyable, there was always the tiny sparkle of expectation every time they went crusading.
"Oh, hey! I think I have mine!"
The pegasus and earth pony equally shot up with beaming glee, scooting around each other to get a look at the unicorn's flank.
"Oh...nevermind, it's just a leaf," Sweetie Belle replied. All three visibly sagged as the white pony peeled the wet maple leaf from her body.
--------
Alchemy / potion making. She's been shown to have some aptitude / impressive results there more often than she's been shown to be good at building. That was a heck of a love potion / poison she helped to make, she's helped Zecora cook etc before, and she managed to give herself cutie pox just by eating a flower.
Are those good results? Well no, but Twilight did get a cutie mark for magic after hatching Spike, turning him into a giant malformed dragon-thing that broke through a roof, and turning both her parents into potted plants. 
This story... is interesting. In concept. I've found your execution to be rather lacking however. I found it today after the latest update and read all of it in the space of 20 minutes, so I'm gonna outline the things that I've found annoying and detrimental to the work.
1. The constant mention of how pretty Applebloom is as a mare. Whether it's by her own words or somepony else, it is constantly being mentioned. Furthermore, you have it being stated by mares as though they themselves aren't pretty and that Applebloom is some kind of supermodel, this was especially evident in chapter 11.
2. The writing style is far to simplistic. You constantly have sentences that feel like 'and then this happened. Then this happened. Then X said this. Then Y replied. Then this happened.' It's something I'm sure will disappear as you write more and get better, but I think you should probably run this stuff by an editor. If there isn't anyone you're in contact with now that you could ask to do this, find one of the writers here on fimfiction or on deviantArt whose work you enjoy and ask them if they could please give it a once over (use google docs set to edit by anyone and give them the link). Something I've found with this fandom that is rather unique is that everyone is more than happy to help out other people, as everyone wants as much quality content to be created as possible. Most also see it as quite the compliment to be asked to be someones editor.
3. Your chapters are to short. You could quite easily mesh your 12 chapters down to at least 8 probably 5 at most. All you need to do is put a line in between where the chapters end to signify a short jump forward in time. This one is a personal gripe though, so don't feel you have to take it to seriously.
All in all, the story could have used a lot more work, as it feels slipshod and unpolished. I honestly like the idea behind it, but I can't encourage the way you went about it. I will, however, keep an eye on you for your future works, if there are any.
>>903603 Regarding your second point, I'm in agreement, but I have something more to add. The simplistic, turbo-direct and literal approach is actually what hooked me. The writing and the ideas communicated are so lucid, but the style is like that of a very young writer. It's uncanny, and I've been watching trying to figure out this mystery. The reason I haven't brought it up before is because I was waiting for somebody else to, and I felt if it were me, I'd be cheating, or breaking some sort of secret contract. At first, I thought it was actually deliberate, and maybe it is, but that seems like a long shot.
What say you, Lux?
>>903603 Thanks for the replies.
1. I'm merely stating the idea that she is pretty as a mare. The way she looks is a driving force behind whether she wants to stay a mare or not. Body image is self image after all and since Apple Blom sees herself as pretty, sees that her family thinks she's pretty, and sees that ponies in town are noticing her, it adds up to feeling like she's happy being one.
2. Perhaps an editor would be good. I admit I should look it over one more time before posting it.
3. Well I know most chapters in fanfiction are short, a few pages in length. Now if this were an actual novel, you can be I'd have them longer. I set up chapters accroding to where I feel would be a good break. Many writers do this. Instead of fitting to a formula that chapters have to be long, they break them up to when it's a good point like a change in scenery or a plot twist.
But thanks again.
“Thanks, Granny Smith,” Apple Bloom said as she bid her siblings goodbye and trotted through the orchard to the clubhouse.
Not complaining but, wouldn't it just be "Thanks, Granny" ?
It's not that big of a deal. I was just surprised by Apple Bloom calling her by her full name.
>>903603 Thanks for the replies.
1. I'm merely stating the idea that she is pretty as a mare. The way she looks is a driving force behind whether she wants to stay a mare or not. Body image is self image after all and since Apple Blom sees herself as pretty, sees that her family thinks she's pretty, and sees that ponies in town are noticing her, it adds up to feeling like she's happy being one.
2. Perhaps an editor would be good. I admit I should look it over one more time before posting it.
3. Well I know most chapters in fanfiction are short, a few pages in length. Now if this were an actual novel, you can be I'd have them longer. I set up chapters accroding to where I feel would be a good break. Many writers do this. Instead of fitting to a formula that chapters have to be long, they break them up to when it's a good point like a change in scenery or a plot twist.
But thanks again.
>>912456 Funny you should say that about my style. I personally never thought I had a particular writing style just yet, but I'm rethinking that now that you say it. I'm someone who doesn't like too much fluff. Yes being imaginative is wonderful, but not belaboring the point. So my stories hit the point hard and the move to the next one so as to create a driving point.
As for being that of a young writer... I don't know really what to say about that. I'm not young (mid 20s), but I admit that this is my first foray into fanfics and actual serious writing. I've role played before, but that's different. So, young sounding? I don't know. I really couldn't say what would be considered an older style of writing. If it level of sophistication, then again I like simplicity and directness over fluff.
But, I'm glad you and the several others have liked my writing. I can't really say that I have some secret to how I write. I'm not changing styles in my story, except for of course how characters talk based on their age and personalities. So, I guess you can say it's deliberate.
I had a plan where Applebloom was going to fall in love with a stallion, thus further making her wonder id she wanted to be a filly again.
Then I realized that even though AB was a mare physically, mentally she was still a filly. This meant she was not yet on the level of serious romance. School yard crush maybe, but not serious romance.
So, knowing this, I removed the Romance tag. I felt that the story was good as a light slightly comedic tale. Romance can be in my other stories.
A multitude of questions.
Well as for why she thought that her scheme would net her a cutie mark, you have to consider that a cutie mark is a sign of maturity and a discovering of one's talent. So upon knowing that, she thought that if she got older then she'd instantly get her mark.
And protecting AB from the stallions would be a reason, considering she had the maturity mentally of a filly in the body of a mare. so things like dating (beyond what she learned from the Big Mac X Cheerilee episode) would be foreign to her.
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At least the picture cheers me up.
Is it going to be used. Other than that I like the story and can't wait for more.
Well it's almost over.
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