Star_Fall
Joined 19th Mar, 2012 ·
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- TranscriptBrony · 3.1k words · 18 4 · 825 views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like the pic, cant wait to read it
..No offense, but I couldn't even finish it. You need an editor. Quick. The grammar is..kind of atrocious, to say the least. Words could have been changed to make it..flow better (see, I just did it.)..it's overall, not that great.
Yes, I realize it is your first story, just some criticism.
767523
I'm going to find an editor for it and hopefully make it better
Yeah grammar has never been my strong point... Sorry it's so bad
Spelling. Spell better.
The story is great (as well as the concept) and you did a good job capturing the personalities of Vinyl and Octavia. However, the story does need some editing; I noticed a few spots that seem to be missing periods or words. If there were any spelling mistakes, they did not stick out to me.
Overall, its a pretty good job for a first story. As grammar mistakes can be fixed with a thorough editing session, I definately think it deserves a thumbs up.
You did really good for a first time. It's a cheery little story and I like it.
I need to point out some errors in writing.
Several times you spelled the word "though" as "tho".
I noticed at least one instance of the word "their" used incorrectly.
This sentence, among others, has some punctuation errors in it.
"Vinyl it's not boring infact I think you'll rather like it." She said...
I believe should look more like this.
"Vinyl, it's not boring, In fact I think you'll rather like it," she said...
When directly addressing someone by name or title you should appropriately use a comma before or after the fact. For example "Fillies and gentlecolts, welcome!" or "Good day, father."
And note that there is a comma after "it". When writing that someone has said something, or how they said something, you should place a comma instead of a period.
Also, don't be afraid to use things like he said. or she said. when writing. It's not a bad thing to be avoided. Honest.
Sorry for the criticism but I suppose it had to be said.
767583
Somepony generously offered to edit the story so I hope to fix that among other things
767671 767710
Thanks
767714
Don't be sorry for pointing out mistakes I made. How else would I get better? So, thanks for the constructive criticism.
It'd be funny to have a sequel where Scratch exacts secret revenge or something.
Yeah, made it past the grammar, somehow. It's a pretty good one-shot, but it should be much better once it has been edited! xD
And just because it stars Scratch... Have a cute pic!
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-but-thats-what-i-wanted.png
767962
Dawwwww
767894 Considering what Octavia has to put up with from Vinyl (at least according to the common depiction of the two in the fandom), I wouldn't have been surprised if it ended up that Octavia did it out of spite (even though she would probably feel bad about it later); no matter how endearing Octavia finds Vinyl's antics, it wouldn't surprise me if she had a 'twitchy-eye' moment
once in awhile where she contemplated such dark thoughts.
The Vinyl depicted in "Two's Company, Three's a Crowd" is continually testing his luck by pushing Octavia's buttons.
768151
True but, I felt this would be more of a touching moment between the two. Octavia using Vinyl's tail hair as a show of love... with unforeseen problems lol
768240 Oh, I definately agree with you there; and you captured that moment really well. This is definately more of an "awwwwwww" story than a comedy. That's one thing I love about Vinyl/Octavia stories, they can take the reader on a rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Liked it, but I would seriously suggest getting an editor.
@ Dragonfiend
I know you said you already have an editor, but if you're ever interested in a second, I'd love to help you out with that
777221
Thank you for the offer
If I ever decide to write another story, I'll keep that in mind.
767962 Damn, that's my favorite picture ever XD
The story was good! I.... you really need to add some commas and whatnot, but I can overlook that (especially considering it's your very first story! Congrats!) I think a neon blue bowstring would be awesome!!! =D
the last couple of lines make me wonder if it was on purpose or not not out of spite or revenge though
Fun.