The Invisible Brony Defense Force

by SoullessDCLXVI

Investigation

Princess Celestia was uneasy. Visibly so. As she paced the width of the Throne room the royal guards picked up on her anxiety. Soon the whole of Canterlot was on edge. Unsure why. Celestia was unaware that here unease was causing the city stress, ironic given the cause of her own. Being thousands of years old and bearing magic powerful enough turn the planet, giving the illusion of raising the sun she had developed a strong connection to the Earth. And taking the mantle of protector of her citizens, she had honed an aspect of that connection. She was able to perceive, and accurately predict danger. Though she had difficulty pinpointing the source, the severity and timing was easy enough. And as such was able to direct the Elements of Harmony in the correct direction. If not for this connection, Discord may very well be sitting her throne right now.

Like the background radiation that permeated the cosmos, there was a constant underlying sense of danger. A base level threat that would not cease to be. It was a simple culmination of possible threats from neighboring lands, dangerous wildlife that may at any moment poke it's unruly head out of Everfree, simple scuffles between ponies, etcetera. All these things could be felt on the most peaceful of days. Today, her sense of danger went wildly out of control. It gave her a splitting headache just thinking about it. If she could graph that sense of hers in real time the lines would be both frightening and confusing. Everything was fine until late afternoon, then a threat had risen and plateaued for a solid hour. Then it spiked before falling again to the levels of the plateau. Then, just as Luna was getting ready for her turn to give the Earth a good hard turn, there was the largest spike of danger Celestia had ever felt. It had actually caused her to cry out, startling those around her. But, as weird as all this was. It was nothing compared to happened next. The background radiation of danger, dissipated. The danger to her land was the lowest she had ever felt it. There were no threats against Equestria for the first time in millennia. Whatever was happening, it was foreign. It was powerful. And, despite the greatest peace felt in as much time, Celestia was very uneasy.

New York City
10:00pm EDST

Max was bored. Out of his damn mind. Maybe he should have stayed at the pony convention. He looked at the line ahead of him. Glad that it had been cut short when many abandoned Liberty Island due to the freak electrical storm. But there were still a good hundred or so people in front of him. Tapping his toes impatiently he cocked his head up, and blew out a quick breath. So boring. When he heard a buzzing noise he looked up as the lowest, fastest helicopter he'd seen blew right past. The wind from its blades stirring up his gelled hair and blowing leaves and garbage around on it's way to the Manhattan island. He watched it curiously as it switched on a searchlight and hovered in place in the distance. Where the helicopter hovered others joined. Some also spilling light into the city. A soft orange glow emitted and reflected off the buildings beneath the choppers. Smoke billowed from the city. Another terrorist attack? Max thought, deciding he no longer wanted to be in side a very tall, very famous, symbol of The United States. And he wasn't the only one, people were leaving the line and piling into the tourist boat. There wasn't a scheduled departure for another fifteen minutes, so Max leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

On the tourist boat, a few seats in front of him, a few people had gathered around someone holding a phone. The soft white light casting shadows on their shocked faces. They were whispering to each other in apparent horror. Curious if this was about the flames in the city, he asked what was going on.

"Haven't you heard?" a heavy set man with a eagle trucker cap asked him.

"There was another terrorist attack!" said a shrill woman next to him.

"Yeah, come here. Look!" their normal seeming teenage son said, inviting max to view their smartphone with them. Max got up bent over the back of their seat, staring into the view screen of an iPhone as an anchorwoman was giving the details of the story in that same voice that all reporters have. Next to her was a man holding a microphone, lit in front by a camera light and framed by emergency vehicles and a blazing building. The ground covered by a familiar gray dust.

"..... continue to battle this frightening blaze." the reporter turns to emphasize the fire.

"Any clue as to the origin of the explosion?" The anchorwoman asks.

"It's still too early to tell, however, talking to witnesses has confirmed that it was an explosion. The entire building appears to have been rigged with powerful explosives. I viewed some footage someone had caught on their phone and I have to say," he turns to the building again, returning to look at the camera he continues "it's a miracle the bottom half of this building has remained intact."

"Speaking of that footage I do believe we have received a copy here," The anchorwoman fiddles with the mic in her ear "Warning: what your about to see may be disturbing to some viewers" The anchorwoman and reporter are switched to a shaky image that makes Max's jaw drop. The building is the Pineview Center. Hundreds of people are spilling onto the streets. Lightning fills the sky, not a single frame appears to be missing an image of electric fury. The sound of wind against microphone can be heard alongside a garbled voice

"Wah-ha-HOW!! THAT, is A LOT of LIGHTNING!!!" The voice, obviously belonging to the owner of the camera screams, trying to be heard over the fierce winds. Lightning strikes, creating a brilliant flash that overwhelmes the cell phone camera. The thunder created drowning out all sound for a moment.

"-Y SHIT! Let's get inside!" the camera pans away from the sky to a young man wearing a Luna shirt.

"We can't! Someone locked us all out!"

"What? Why would they-" the shouting is interrupted by a boom, the camera swivels quickly as the building detonates, A series of explosions cascade down the side of the glass covered skyscraper. The windows on neighboring buildings shatter as each explosions shockwave blasts the area. "Run!" Luna shirt yells, the camera starts moving. Whoever's holding cares little for recording images. All that can be seen is alternating ground and street. Panting all that can be heard. They are running. The image fogs over as vaporized building envelopes the duo. As things quiet down the sound of car alarms, screams, and the roar of a fire are all that can be heard.

"Such a terrible tragedy, how could it --" the voice trails off as Max pulls away. His face white, he sits back down. He puts his head in his hands and begins to cry.

The Pentagon
Monday, September 22nd
3:00 AM

"Sir, you might want to take a look at this." Brigadier General Stone handed a manilla folder simply labeled 9/21/13NYC-W/B to his commanding officer General Jameson. The general swiveled in his chair, carefully taking the folder from his subordinate. Opening the folder his eyes ran back and forth, his face fell, though that seemed impossible.

"Please tell me this is some kind of a joke." The General glared at Stone. The General was the picture of a high ranking military official. In his late 40's he stood about 6'4". His neatly trimmed graying beard framing his wizened square jaw, His uniform was the most decorated Stone had seen in his life, and it looked like he just bought it. The mahogany desk was spotless and reflected the rest of the room. The American flag in the corner, neatly folded in on itself. Mirroring the flag in the framed picture of his son who had recently joined the Marines. Pictures of F-22 raptors and modern aircraft carriers accented the walls. If Stone had been 10 years younger he would've pissed himself receiving a glare like that, from a man like him, in a room like this. But 10 years of the military had caused him to grow a pair.

"I'm afraid not sir" Stone would've been happy if it was a joke. Unfortunatly.. "We have confirmed radiation at the site, Sir."

"Dirty bomb?"

"It's very possible, but the radiation is unlike anything we've ever seen. The closest thing we could find to match was in obscure file in the Hadron Super Collider's database. And even they only managed to create this in a small amount. Whatever this is, it powerful. And new." The General seemed lost in thought for moment

"I'm ordering a full evacuation of southern Manhattan."

"Sir?"

"You heard me, get on it"

"Sir, that's about a million people!"

"Your point, officer?" The General growled. Stone snapped a salute "On it, sir"

"Oh, and Stone?" Stone halted, turned "Yes sir?"

"I'm ordering a full investigation of the site. Find out what's causing the radiation. We need to know it's effects on the populace and, most importantly, who the hell set off those bombs!"

"Yes sir!" Stone ran off, hurrying to follow his orders. Meanwhile Jameson was scratching his head. Who would be advanced enough to make a bomb that leaves a new kind of radiation, but stupid enough to use that bomb on group of nerds and an otherwise useless building? Jameson's fingers rhythmically tapped his desk Unless this was just a test run? With that thought Jameson quickly picked up the red telephone that sat on his desk next to picture of his son.

Equestria
3:00AM

"Ugh. This took far longer than I thought. I haven't stayed up this late since the Summer Sun Celebration" moaned Twilight.

"I know! It isn't it great!" Squeaked the ever awake Pinkie Pie. Bouncing in place. "It's like a sleep over... BUT WITHOUT THE SLEEP!"

"Pinkie, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, but could you.. maybe... please.. calm down? The animals are trying to sleep." Fluttershy barely managed to be audible.

"I'd really not have to spend all day rounding them up again," an exasperated Twilight placed a hoof on Pinkie, willing her to stop moving "So please, for the love of Celestia. Go to sleep."

"A sleep over, with sleep?!" a visibly confused pinkie tilted her head. Twilight was about to speak again when Pinkie said "Okay!" and laid down so fast it would have busted the knees out of any other pony. And fell asleep just as fast. Snoring and everything. Fluttershy's cottage was the quietest it had been for hours. And after the longest day Twilight had had in what felt like forever, she laid down on Fluttershy's couch and fell asleep almost as fast as Pinkie did. Fluttershy looked at Pinkie and Twilight and a little moodily said "I never said you guys could sleep here..." but a smile replaced her small frown and she said "I guess it's alright though. You guys did work awful hard today" and she pulled out some blankets from a small closet. Using her teeth she tucked in her friends before making her way up to her own room. And collapsed. Tired out herself. As she lay down she muttered "I wonder.." yawn "..what scared all the animals so much?"

A/N: I had this story's skeletal structure planned out and would be adding flesh as I wrote. However, the current skeletal format of this story focused far too heavily on the humans. And I feel I need to include a LOT more ponies. So I will be taking a break for a while while I get ideas for what is essentially a freaking re-write. (What's been written so far will not be changed) I need a reason for the ponies and people to interact. Frequently at that. I already know how the first contacts will go. But it needs to happen faster, and pony involvement needs to be more active than originally planned.

Comments

[Pascal]

This story gives me a very conflicted feeling. On one hand, I hate every character and want them all to die horrible deaths. They embody everything that I despise both about humanity in general and bronies specifically. Except for Sarah. Yes, please exile these horribly pretentious and meme obsessed goths and bronies from the planet Earth.

But . . . I dunno. Something got me to keep reading until chapter 4, where they all get turned into super-powered weaboo abominations. There's this odd sort of lulzy quality to the story that I can't quite explain. To be perfectly honest, I did kind of enjoy it, and I might read more, but I'm guessing that it won't turn into a bloodbath.

I'm really sorry if this comment is harsh. I don't like being mean, but . . . seriously, fuck bronies.

[RubberBrony]

SO AWESOME!

[Pascal]

Ok, I've read to chapter 6 and skimmed 7. Time for something a little more constructive.

The biggest problem is the fact that there's pretty much no conflict. This fic reeks of wish-fulfillment, and while that can be gratifying to the author, it doesn't do much for anyone else. There's no drama in a bunch of geeks standing around and admiring their Mary Sue forms for seven chapters. The closest thing we have to a villain is Overture and his fascist regime of super-powered bronies. Having him appoint himself leader and start locking people up is a good start, but it needs to go further if he's going to be an effective villain. I'm guessing they're supposed to be the good guys, though.

Show us conflict! Show us struggle, pain, and sorrow! I'm not saying that there needs to be blood, gore, death, or even much darkness, but a hero is only as heroic as that which he struggles against. The characters need problems and obstacles to overcome to create drama. There's a reason that villains almost always get all the cool stuff in stories. The heroic underdog triumphing against impossible odds is a story that has withstood the test of time. Being light on drama can work in a comedy, but you are generally going to want to have a lot of it.

So, with all that out of the way, here's a few suggestions:

1. Cut down the cast. I was losing track of names, and there seemed to be a bunch of characters like Pinkdeath or whatever his name was who were introduced but didn't seem to serve any purpose.

2. Shorten the part in the forest, because it seemed like Soulless and co. kept mettaphoricly jerking himself off without much else happening.

3. Establish a central villain or conflict more quickly. Otherwise, the point of the adventure is unclear.

4. GOD DAMN BRONY BASTARDS! I found the characters to be a bit on the vapid side, to be charitable. Although one could argue that most real people are vapid, and therefor this is realistic, I had trouble becoming emotionally connected to the characters. I suggest you have fewer characters, and spend a bit more time developing them.

Hope that helps.

[Tie RoamingHooves]

UPDATE NAO!

[YorkBrony]

Hey, your favortive genre is HiE?! Me too! And I love giving brutally honest reviews of various things!

Hooray!

[SoullessDCLXVI]

877195 Thank you. It does help.
1 The current cast won't shrink, but I worry you may have been paying attention to unnecessary characters. There's only 7 non pony characters that matter. I'll try to spend more time on them so that they're not indistinguishable and difficult to keep track of. [Edit: Nevermind, I shrunk it anyway]
2 What parts in the forest dragged on for you?
3 The 'More quickly' part of that is what I'm trying to do with many different parts of the plot. But conflict was planned from the beginning. Some may even die. I'm getting the sense that a vote on who dies first, and how painful it will be would be wildly successful.
4 I'll spend more time developing them.
877155 I don't forgive you for your long comment. To forgive you, you'd have to have done something wrong. And I like long comments.
1 I'll make sure to make those paragraphs, thanks.
2 Past and present tense is something I have trouble with, admittedly, however the section of text you chose to represent that was not a tense failure, as the event being talked about was in the past.
3 Those nagging issues are likely to continue as I don't know what they are.
4 I'm glad you're looking forward to more.
876967 Awww (It's cool, man.) They aren't super powered. Well, I mean I guess technically, they are. But they're all significantly weaker than their counterparts. The supermen each have only one power.
As for the bloodbath: It might happen. I haven't decided yet. But I do believe there will be some deaths.
876995 Fixed
876806 I have no idea how to go about getting an editor.

[RubberBrony]

I wish there was more.
Overall good story, the Superman trio () was... Original...

[SoullessDCLXVI]

877710 From the second paragraph in chapter 4: I had thought about it and I wondered why I had stopped that practice myself. Referring to someone by their chosen name instead of their given name. I figured it's not too late to start showing that respect again.
If that's not enough to go on, I guess I'll expand it. But I think maybe you just skimmed over it?

[theRedBrony]

Weird story.

[SoullessDCLXVI]

878227 Thank you.

[Pascal]

877450
.
Noooo, the sad Pinkie emotion! Now I feel bad for being so mean . Honestly, thought, it's pretty brave of you to go out onto the internet and say "please criticize the shit out of me!"

To be more specific about what I meant about the forest: It feels to me like chapters 5 and 6 could have been condensed into a single chapter. It goes over many of the same points without learning much new stuff.

Soulless tries out his powers. The crazies try to run away, and Soulless catches them. Overture insists that everyone stick together. Soulless thinks he's awesome ect.

Those all happen in both chapters, so there's a bit of repetition there.

Keep going! Don't let anything anyone says stop you from doing what you enjoy.

[SoullessDCLXVI]

877241 Oh hey cool, I've been keeping up with your story. Kinda neat to see you like mine. As requested, chapter 8 is up. Hope you like it.

[joebomo11]

876967 if you hate bronies y are you on this site?

[qamar-ling]

ok brake the forth wall agene