When a large group of bronies gather in New York it really annoys someone. Someone powerful. And they take it upon themselves to deal with it. By sending them to the very land they love, Equestria! After arriving, not sure where they are, and wondering how it is that they've all changed. (And not all into ponies) They immediately gather into an organized force to defend their beloved ponies from any outside threats. Including themselves.
Cover Art: Main Character "Soulless" By Pascal
Chapters (26)
just read your first chapter and i would say its 'decent' for a first chapter of your story but you might want to space the paragraphs out a little better as they look like a wall of text with a few breaks. Admittedly you could have done better for a first chapter introducing it all but i like the idea you placed down with witchcraft so you got my like. now to continue to the rest of the chapters.
edit: pacing is a bit sped up admittedly as well so i would say if you don't have an editor you may want to think about getting one even if temporary and only for this story. i have an editor that's a viewer of my story's himself and i would say he definitely is good with editing. just look for someone willing to do it for free and has had experience in story writing. what i see is you are telling us (the viewer) when you could be showing us. i don't know how to accurately explain it all that well but consider doing more showing. it would add to the word count as well making each chapter a bit longer.
ps: you might want to get a better explanation for those of us whom haven't seen "Highlander" such as myself.
these are my thoughts so far seeing the first chapter.
This story gives me a very conflicted feeling. On one hand, I hate every character and want them all to die horrible deaths. They embody everything that I despise both about humanity in general and bronies specifically. Except for Sarah. Yes, please exile these horribly pretentious and meme obsessed goths and bronies from the planet Earth.
But . . . I dunno. Something got me to keep reading until chapter 4, where they all get turned into super-powered weaboo abominations. There's this odd sort of lulzy quality to the story that I can't quite explain. To be perfectly honest, I did kind of enjoy it, and I might read more, but I'm guessing that it won't turn into a bloodbath.
I'm really sorry if this comment is harsh. I don't like being mean, but . . . seriously, fuck bronies.
"Yeah. Cool. What's man?" I think you are missing an "up."
Well I won't be of much help with the spelling and grammar. I'm not to good at that stuff myself, however I can point out other things that I notice as I go alone. Well, you've got me interested so lets see where this ride goes.
SO AWESOME!
Forgive me if my comments get long. But you wanted feedback, so I'm just going to try and be clear. ^.^
Also I'm not sure if I'm fond of changing from 3rd person to 1st person. However, I know that it does happen sometimes so I'll reserve judgment on that.
A recommendation is that whenever someone else starts speaking create a new paragraph. It just helps it make it clearer that it's someone else speaking. For example in your 1st paragraph you have:
"HEY!!" I shot up like a freaking rocket out of my bed. "Damnit Mandy! I hate it when you do that" I said to my next door neighbor, who had just screamed into my open window. She cackled loudly, always enjoying freaking me out. "I'm coming back in a half hour, I better not be coming back to wake you up again."
However, if you changed it to:
"HEY!!" I shot up like a freaking rocket out of my bed.
"Damnit Mandy! I hate it when you do that" I said to my next door neighbor, who had just screamed into my open window. She cackled loudly, always enjoying freaking me out.
"I'm coming back in a half hour, I better not be coming back to wake you up again."
It makes it easier for the reader to know that the person who shouted "HEY" isn't the same person that says "Damn it Mandy" and then the next paragraph just tells us that someone else, my mind would say Mandy because she's the only other person I know it the room, is speaking and not the person telling the story.
Also watch your use of the present and past tense.
"In doing her research like a proper witch she had found out that the land that the characters from the show that the bronies were so fascinated by was indeed real."
This is in the past tense however your story is in the present tense.
Also I'm not to sure about some of your word choices which seem a little odd and don't flow that well. However, despite these issues that I've pointed out and some others that are nagging (if they continue I'll point them out as I go along) I think you've got an interesting story and plot line. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Ok, I've read to chapter 6 and skimmed 7. Time for something a little more constructive.
The biggest problem is the fact that there's pretty much no conflict. This fic reeks of wish-fulfillment, and while that can be gratifying to the author, it doesn't do much for anyone else. There's no drama in a bunch of geeks standing around and admiring their Mary Sue forms for seven chapters. The closest thing we have to a villain is Overture and his fascist regime of super-powered bronies. Having him appoint himself leader and start locking people up is a good start, but it needs to go further if he's going to be an effective villain. I'm guessing they're supposed to be the good guys, though.
Show us conflict! Show us struggle, pain, and sorrow! I'm not saying that there needs to be blood, gore, death, or even much darkness, but a hero is only as heroic as that which he struggles against. The characters need problems and obstacles to overcome to create drama. There's a reason that villains almost always get all the cool stuff in stories. The heroic underdog triumphing against impossible odds is a story that has withstood the test of time. Being light on drama can work in a comedy, but you are generally going to want to have a lot of it.
So, with all that out of the way, here's a few suggestions:
1. Cut down the cast. I was losing track of names, and there seemed to be a bunch of characters like Pinkdeath or whatever his name was who were introduced but didn't seem to serve any purpose.
2. Shorten the part in the forest, because it seemed like Soulless and co. kept mettaphoricly jerking himself off without much else happening.
3. Establish a central villain or conflict more quickly. Otherwise, the point of the adventure is unclear.
4. GOD DAMN BRONY BASTARDS! I found the characters to be a bit on the vapid side, to be charitable. Although one could argue that most real people are vapid, and therefor this is realistic, I had trouble becoming emotionally connected to the characters. I suggest you have fewer characters, and spend a bit more time developing them.
Hope that helps.
UPDATE NAO!
Hey, your favortive genre is HiE?! Me too! And I love giving brutally honest reviews of various things!
Hooray!
No problems here. Only thing I'm not fond of is the witch, but only because I have a personal distaste for them.
877195 Thank you. It does help.
(It's cool, man.) They aren't super powered. Well, I mean I guess technically, they are. But they're all significantly weaker than their counterparts. The supermen each have only one power.
1 The current cast won't shrink, but I worry you may have been paying attention to unnecessary characters. There's only 7 non pony characters that matter. I'll try to spend more time on them so that they're not indistinguishable and difficult to keep track of. [Edit: Nevermind, I shrunk it anyway]
2 What parts in the forest dragged on for you?
3 The 'More quickly' part of that is what I'm trying to do with many different parts of the plot. But conflict was planned from the beginning. Some may even die. I'm getting the sense that a vote on who dies first, and how painful it will be would be wildly successful.
4 I'll spend more time developing them.
877155 I don't forgive you for your long comment. To forgive you, you'd have to have done something wrong. And I like long comments.
1 I'll make sure to make those paragraphs, thanks.
2 Past and present tense is something I have trouble with, admittedly, however the section of text you chose to represent that was not a tense failure, as the event being talked about was in the past.
3 Those nagging issues are likely to continue as I don't know what they are.
4 I'm glad you're looking forward to more.
876967 Awww
As for the bloodbath: It might happen. I haven't decided yet. But I do believe there will be some deaths.
876995 Fixed
876806 I have no idea how to go about getting an editor.
I wish there was more.
) was... Original...
Overall good story, the Superman trio (
Alright something I don't get is this idea of calling people something different from their birth name. I think that's something that should be addressed, because he'd gone around calling his friends by their birth names and then at the convention changed.
877710 From the second paragraph in chapter 4: I had thought about it and I wondered why I had stopped that practice myself. Referring to someone by their chosen name instead of their given name. I figured it's not too late to start showing that respect again.
If that's not enough to go on, I guess I'll expand it. But I think maybe you just skimmed over it?
Weird story.
878227 Thank you.
877450
. Honestly, thought, it's pretty brave of you to go out onto the internet and say "please criticize the shit out of me!"
.
Noooo, the sad Pinkie emotion! Now I feel bad for being so mean
To be more specific about what I meant about the forest: It feels to me like chapters 5 and 6 could have been condensed into a single chapter. It goes over many of the same points without learning much new stuff.
Soulless tries out his powers. The crazies try to run away, and Soulless catches them. Overture insists that everyone stick together. Soulless thinks he's awesome ect.
Those all happen in both chapters, so there's a bit of repetition there.
Keep going! Don't let anything anyone says stop you from doing what you enjoy.
Fukin hate those soldiers. They remind me to much of Dixon in 'A Hero of War'
Looking good.
877241 Oh hey cool, I've been keeping up with your story. Kinda neat to see you like mine. As requested, chapter 8 is up. Hope you like it.
*slow clap* I would love to thank everyone who was dumb enough to just wander onto an unknown world.Things like this just raise the November death count. 2013 seems to be a bad year for planning.
880762 So are you proposing that we should plan to not make any plans for 2013?
881853 Wouldn't that, in itself, be a plan? You'd fail from the get go! Wow, 2013 really is bad for plan making.
HOLY SHIT! Celestia's gonna be pissed! They got blood on her floor.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
881859
Everyone we have made a paradox please freak out.
MOAR
882614
s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/profiles/icons/big/000/041/986/ColbertNOOOOO.gif?1305378195
883839
.
You found time to reply but no new chapter.. here, have some depression
883877
Awww.
I think you might find that it takes far less effort and time to post a comment, than to write a chapter. Though I'm glad you're looking forward to more.
883897
Darn so no guilt trip chapter? Always my luck.
884021 It almost worked. But the chapter would have been lackluster as I'd have forced it out. It takes time for ideas to form. Some of my best come to me while I sleep (Like a humanized Pinkie Pie who doesn't know who she is, is also a Pegasister, and runs an Ice Cream Truck business in a dystopian future United States [this happens in the sequel to this, btw]). But you did make me feel guilty, so you were halfway successful
884049
sleep eh? That can be arranged.
oh and sorry for the guilt, seeing how no new chapter.
SWEET CELESTIA!!! RUN TWILIGHT RUN!!!!
Here's the problem with magic.
As a general rule, complicated spells WILL, somehow, backfire. Kinda a "law of fiction".
holy tartarus this is awesome!
Soulless,
I can hardly believe that this is the same fic I was trashing a few days ago.
I didn't care about the characters when I first started reading, but I care now. I care the shit out of them. They have become people with hopes, fears, regrets, and desires. There's conflict, sorrow, loss, and drama to spare. I want to see Soulless triumph, not just over the evil around him, but the also against the evil that the situation has forced into his own heart. And to think that all this suffering is because of mistakes. Simple mistakes that anyone could have made under such pressure.
I was only half joking when I called Overture a fascist, since the first thing he did when he took command was build a prison, but goddamn if he doesn't make a good villain. He's such a slimy fuck!
This story is not an exercise in self-indulgence or wishful thinking. It is simply awesome, and I can hardly wait for more.
I salute you, sir, and tip my metaphorical hat.
894136 Coming from you, that means a whole hell of a lot. I can only hope that my story continues to entertain. By the way, that puppy didn't hurt your foot too bad, did it?
894151
I can only see this story getting better and better from here, so I have no doubt that whatever comes next will be supremely entertaining.
And don't worry, I keep special puppy-stomping boots stashed all over Ponyville in case of puppy emergency.
893872 Did you keep reading? If so, is the backfire to your liking?
Twiley snuck in?
"Twilight was blown away. On each of the two walls that ran perpendicular to the one with the entry way. Were three banners each. Each banner had a minimalist depiction of her and one of her five friends. The one that had her visage bore a single word: "Learn" Underneath her friends faces were the words: "Play" "Race" "Shine" "Strive" and "Love" for Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy respectively. On the far wall were two discolored red, blue and white posters depicting an image of an angry Princess Celestia looking down and an impassive Princess Luna looking forward. Beneath Celestia was the word "Obey" and beneath Luna was the word "Bide"."
Soulless,
You're on a roll, buddy! And you're offering cameos? Hmm.. *twirls evil mustache*
A cameo offer? I'm interested.
Also
You should have a period after all and a comma after god.
900159 Ah, good catch. Thank you.
900181 I do my best. As for a character of mine that can make a cameo (if you want), look no further than my icon. There is more info regarding her in my dA gallery. If you decide to use her, send me a PM and we can hash out the details.
900209 Technia seems cool enough, though if I use her she won't have her history or achievements behind her. She'll be another human turned OC pony. I've even been debating lately if the talents the bronies give thier OC's are a part of the transformation or not.
900226 Like I said, the details can be hashed out a la PM. As for the talents being part of the transformation, you could go halfway and give the characters toned down talents. The OC Technia would be able to make something like a motor or engine for example, but not as fast and/or well as the "real" Technia would be able to.
900061 You easily have the best chance of getting one. Your comments helped guide this fic to where it is, and helped improve my writing. I asked for brutality, and you gave it in spades.
Also, have I mentioned that your icon is creepy as fuck? It literally gave me nightmares yesterday.
Twiley! NOOOOO
bad year for planning... HELL YEA!
900886 I was hoping somebody'd catch that.