From the smallest of mistakes can butterfly the greatest of disasters. Even reality itself is not safe, for even the very Laws of Creation themselves are being thrown to the wind. Now, two worlds connected by the fundamental Laws of Creation begin to collide, bringing two antitheses together in a maelstrom of biblical proportions. And when that happens, nothing will matter but a glitch in the system, the very same ghost in the machine that brought these two worlds together. Only six brave mares can possibly stem the tide of ruin and face the very Laws of Creation themselves.
Chapters (9)
This story is written not by me, but rather by my russian friend who dont speak english well. We have translated it and added some parts, sharpened the details. Most of the credits belongs to AvatarOfEnkidu
Interesting premise, I'll give ya that, but I feel the mashing of pokemon and mlp just feels a bit off, since I've seen it done before. Regardless, I liked the story and the writing, tell your friend to keep up the good work.
730155
Thanks.
Shmiggle, has anypony on this site heard from the FAther of Time, hmm? No, oh well, SWEET! I like this!
Uhhhh. These guys accepted this story in frigging 6 am by western coast of america. AGAIN. Are they hating me so much? Btw, they made it without cover art...
730877
Thanks :)
730887No problem dude!
*Runs home from the store*
Well gentlecolts, I have finally got myself a copy of "Pokemon: Error's Vanguard" for the Fimtendo 3Dp!
Lemme just...get the damn game outta the case... *Opens it* There we go.
It even comes with its own signed poster by Stalin Himself! Well, if it's a signed poster, The game's gotta rock! I can already see it, I'm gonna start out with Spike, turn him into Spikezilla, and I'm gonna capture the Legendary Alicorns! If I'm lucky, I'll even Find Discord and the ever-elusive Chrysalis!
I'm not even gonna point out the history of Stalin, either. Who cares what I have to say, the guy's like the Pony equivalent to Shigeru Miyamoto man.
So let's get this game started!
*Puts it into the Handheld comsole, and turns on*
Press start....aaand New game.
Woah, what's goin' on here? Is my game glitched? What's with "@sʇɐɹʇ*ERROR*oɟ&COLLISION>ɐ^BEGINS*lǝƃɐɔʎ["? C'mon gais, you should be checkin' for bugs before you post this shit. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png Maybe it was intentional.
Alright, so I start the game and I'm in the middle of the ocean...daamn, everything's all quiet...
So we find out there's a trainer and his Gyarados....wait, huh?
"His expression as placid as the ocean around him, the trainer dipped his hand into the water, allowing the waves to caress over his skin as the his Gyarados ."
"As the his Gyarados? Typo much gais? Might wanna patch the text in here, maybe it was interpreted wrong.
Alright, so it looks like my Trainer is writing something in his log, and woow ego much, mr. trainer? You're sounding...much...like...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m54mnrwGUR1r52hcuo1_500.jpg
God damnit!
And wow, already I hate my character. HOW DARE YOU CALL GYARADOS, ONE OF THE COOLEST DRAGONS OUT THERE, MR. FISH! Why I outta--oh look!
A whirlpool. I do hope there's at least something decent in there, let's check it out!
So NOW, I get to take control of the surfing Gyarados and already the controls are fantastic. Just like in the ol' days. So now we head towards the Whirlpool... Oh...my...YES.
profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50273_23435194307_7376929_n.jpg
"A wild MISSINGO appeared!"
We meet again, Old friend...Time to capture you and claim myself the dumbest man alive! Not even three minutes, and already the greatest thing in history!
Time to--oh crap it's speed is much better than mine.
"Wild MISSINGNO uses dsfkjghsgfkjndfkgnjwrekflgas!"
Wait, wat? Oh crap!
It exploded! Awwww....I was gon' catch it! And now i'm all wet. Beautiful.
------------
Wait, why am I looking at Twili--oooh, this is one of those "Different outlook" scenes! Ah, and they're doing their own thing. Caffeine? Oh, Twilight. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
------------
Well, now after that cutscene, My Player wakes up in... Wow, Missingno is STRONG to cause both explosion and teleport to happen!
Apparently, I drink Poke'beer. NEVER knew it to be true. Hey, this raises up a question: Am I 10? or 21?
Alright, check my inventory, so I got a few items in here. Good! No more of that "CHOOSE YOUR POKEMON FROM DE OLDEN MAN" shit. I just start out the game as a trainer with presets. I can dig it. It's like Pokemon Colosseum, or Pokemon XD, where you're a trainer/snatcher with presets.
Let's see my pokemon...right now, I have a Bellosum--Flower Dancer? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_YouDontSay2.png
--------------
Oh! Another Pony cutscene! So now we're in Froggy Bottom Bog I take it! Yeah, I remember this place! That Hydra was scary as all hell!
Oh crap, they discovered My Bellossom...
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/251/7/7/a_wild_twilight_appeared_by_dmn666-d492rpv.png
Well, I wonder if I can catch her! Time to battle!
[youtube=WjY3SCL1aNU]
Let's try...Petal Dance!
"The Attack Missed!"
...Damnit.
"Flower Dancer is Confused!"
Oh god damnit no!
I'll just tag out with...YES! I got an ABSOL! ...Or his name can be Blacknight...eh.
Let's see...Nightslash, here we go!
There we go! Let's try False Swipe now. That way, She wont faint...oh man, I'm gonna own TWILIGHT! MY FAVORITE FUCKING PONY!
Let's use a Poke'ball now. I dont think I have to waste any other ball...WAIT WAT
NOTHING HAPPENED? NOOOOOoooooooo!
She cant be caught! OH GOD DAMNIT! I wasted all that time...FOR NOTHING!
Well, all's not too bad...who knows, maybe I cant capture her NOW..but maybe another trainer owns her?
I'll just interact here, pick her up. and now we move.
--------
Oh! Once more, a cutsce--WHO IS THAT.
Is that...That cant be Missingno...could it...?
----------
Well, I think I had enough here for now. I'll just save my game here....aaaand done.
I gotta hand it to Stalin, he sure got me with this one, I almost thought my game was busted, and I now have my very first...hated character!
He treated his pokemon like slaves and dopes, that's the number one thing I dont like about him...well...maybe he'll get better if I mosey along with this game.
For now, thanks guys for tuning into Geon's Gamerview!
In a little bit, I'll get back into this, but for now remember kids:
Geon is Best Gamer.
Toodles, my little followers! Oh, and dont forget to fav my work, and subscribe on m' profile!
((Ok, I think I had WAAAAY too much fun doing this.))
731155
Oh, lookie! Seems like i have a concurent on my stalinviews
731195 Indeed you have!
I'm glad you enjoy it, It's all JUST for you. My literal first Gamerview! Not to be confused by the stalinviews that these were inspired from.
I'm serious when I say I went all out with this too. It was alot of fun preparing, and just locating the pics and music to go by. XD
So what DID you think, did I go too far with the pics? the vid?
And concurent? :3
731269
Gotta admit, it's quality is much highter than most of mine stalinviews, when it comes to material works. Maybe it is because i became kinda lazy with stalinviews? :D
731283 Eeeh. Who knows.
Definitely, if you want any more of this, lemme know. I'll do em just for ya. And higher quality? Oh I dunno about that...
this was just me typing at my computer like I would in an RPG. besides, I review games every now and then, my work's in my blogs...in fact, I gotta update my next review! Today's game is called "Karnov" for the NES/Arcade!
We'll talk more in PM's. Dont wanna put too many comments down here, y'know? :P
You were right. This one is interesting and MUCH different from the others. I was worried for a moment. I did notice one mistake: "we utterly inverted". I think you meant "were". Other than that, this thing is pretty much flawless in spelling and grammar...as far as I can tell. I can also bet I know who the particle human is.
This was an interesting story, and not being much of a Pokemon person I found it quite interesting. The syntax you used throughout the story was high quality, as this fic is, and should you continue to do that, you could go far my friend.
I didn't see any errors that popped out while I was reading, so good job on that. I'm liking where this is going, so I'll be sure to put opinions on later chapters!(any pokemon knowledge is because of my friend who likes to play it, so I may not fully understand it at times.)
731309
And i can safely bet that you're mistaken :D
731311
Thanks! I will try to make it understandable to people who are not familliar with franchise
731316 Mistaken?images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120428071353/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/a/a7/Challenge_accepted.jpg
731316 Alrighty then!
Time for a quick overview of this story/this chapter:
Originality: Definitely a creative story! I mean yes, it's a human crossover in Equestria story, but at least it's creative! 10/10
Original Characters (Or in this case, character): The trainer Lucian kind of reminds me of Ragna the Bloodedge from Blazblue. Yes, he can be an ass most of the time, but when he needs to be he can be somewhat nice. Let's just hope he gets nicer in the future. Still, pretty original in design. Kind of looks like Brandon in Pokemon Emerald. 9/10
Chapter Length: It's a solid length that isn't too long or too short and gives us a good amount of story. 10/10
Descriptions: It's pretty good for it. Whenever there is descriptions, it's always really well written. 10/10
Overall: A solid nine to a near ten. Let's hope this story gets better!
I found some very minor mistakes:
He put a claw to his chin. “Come to think of it, I don’t know where our money comes from. Does the city pay your for being the librarian, ‘cause I’ve never once seen somepony walking in here and checking something out.
That needs to be you.
Rather that immediately strike her, Blacknight lunged to Twilight’s side, grabbed her still-standing rear legs in his sickle-like horn.
First thing needs to be then, and the second one needs to be grabbing (I think).
Twilight, still on the ground, only coward further. “I mean, I should have seen this; you have goggle on... and I ain’t ever...” Shaking his head, he walked towards Twilight. Upon reaching her, he knelt down, a frown on his face.
Make that goggles.
Twilight, upon see it, flinched back. “Whoa, whoa, easy there.” He held his hand out, slowly, as if trying to catch a snake.
It'd be better if it was 'upon seeing it' (without the quotations of course).
That's all I could find at the moment.
I also have a Pokemon crossover story in my head, although I haven't written it yet. Still, this was a good chapter.
731541
Thanks! This is very helpful
That was strange, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tell your friend he should definitely continue.
731605
Thanks! He defenetely will
When I got to the end of this story, I was giggling and making the sound that pokeballs make. I guess that means I liked it.
...eh, why not. *Tracks*
732113>>733385>>733856
Thanks, guys! I started all this translation work because i like this story and think that it not like every crossover i've read before :)
Alrighty comrade, you've got yourself a review! I appreciate you dealing with my BS up to this point, so consider this one on the house!
The First thing I have to get out of the way, however, is my familiarity with Pokemon. Which is to say, I'm incredibly familiar with first gen Pokemon, and I don't know a single thing about later generations, with the exception of a few gen 2 ones. So a lot of these names and types are going to go right over my head.
... what? I know this is a typo, I don't know what it's supposed to say.
You should really mature tag this stuff
Though seriously, the word pocket would do wonders for the mental image that gets conjured up.
I understand that this a personality quirk of his, to be cocky and prideful, but aren't there, like, twenty different world-level competitions determining this? I feel like a strong theme with Pokemon is that you have the capacity to prove you're the best
Funny, but a little too meta for me. Meta humor in non-meta stories just takes you out of it
Where's that ego of yours now? Aren't you already the "worlds greatest trainer?"
getting a little repetitive
It seems like politics and economy in equestria got a lot more complicated
This whole bit here seems a little out of character for these two, namely because Spike doesn't often tease twilight, and it's usually just a quick remark when he does. That said, it's pretty cute, so I don't entirely mind.
Wat. Isn't pokemon, like, not on earth? How would he know about an american state?
He's getting obnoxiously more meta every time he speaks
And it's not one of those annoying telepaths
woah. He just switched between, like, three different dialects/accents in one short paragraph. May want to fix that.
Overall, this is suprisingly well done! I like that it follows the logic of the games, rather than the cartoon, which made it more flexible as well as more nostalgic. Though it pains me to see twilight get hurt, I liked the trainer's first encounter with her, because I think that's a pretty reasonable assessment of what a Pokemon trainer would do first.
Also, this was much better written than I expected, gramatically. The errors I pointed out were the only ones I could find!
735599
Wat. Isn't pokemon, like, not on earth? How would he know about an american state?
Actually, Kanto is actual japanese region. In fact, all first four gen games took place in japan, while fifth one took place in New York
Plus, if you watched first movie, Mew was discovered in south america. http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Mew
Oh, almost forgot. THANKS! :D
735599
(It's partly why a self-insert of me would never work; my accent is too weird.) I'll have that bit edited out lickety split.
(Stalin's co-author/editor here) That you for your comments and thoughts. I wasn't aware that that little train-robbery scene was OOC 'cause it was so cute that it might as well appear in the show. But it appear that its cute enough to fly under most radars.
As for the reference to the US, in the English dub of the movie Mewtwo appears in, Ash mention Minnesota by name ("I didn't know Vikings still existed." "They're mostly in Minnesota." – being that I lived in Minnesota at the time, I never forget that exact line). So I figured that Louisiana was also fair game.
Lastly, sorry for the accent thing. See, my problem is that I sometimes speak out loud when writing dialogue in order to give it a more natural flow. Then I write down why I said in the real world down into the fanfic. I actually speak like that, you see. People constantly ask me where my accent's from
Thank you.
735654
This is what you call a oddity in the Pokemon universe.
They have multiple references to our regions and cities and have places based off of them, but don't actually seem to know about us at the same time. They're just a bit crazy
736465
Well, it's how it is :)
735654>>735762>>736465
I actually had a feeling that the Louisiana thing was fair game, because I know that Kanto is a region in japan, and I remember it from the games and show. However, I just passed it off as coincidence because the Japanese are self-obsessed in their cartoons (seriously watch like any anime, apparently every alien, super-being, supernatural lifeform, or god-like creature will head to japan first thing they do when they get here).
That assumption also came from the fact that the games make no attempt to resemble any real landmasses in their level design.
So that bit is my bad, though the trainer is still way too meta in his dialogue. Referring to Professor Oak so much is what namely bothered me, because I imagine anyone who's been running around long enough to have their own Gyarados would either appreciate Oak's help or have forgotten about him completely (like I always did)
736866
Well, actually all five professors in each gen are asking "boy/girl" question :P and i never forgot about Oak, he was giving me useful stuff :) And in remakes in postgame he opened acess to some gen 2 pokemons
There's an error of sorts in the early part of describing Spike and Twilight:
A mistress is someone else you have a sexual relationship with, while you have a spouse. So unless Spike is cheating on his wife with his mother figure, she wouldn't be his mistress. If your friend plans to ship Twilight and Spike, which to me makes no sense, he would have to use another word.
Alright, so, this was written by a Russian friend of yours? I guess this'll be for him. Now, I'm not a cute reviewer. I don't use pictures to show my meaning. I'm honest and maybe a little brutal, if the story needs it. So, first, here's what wrong with the story: grammatical issues first
The first part of the chapter, which begins in Poke-world, is a little comma heavy. There are a lot of unnecessary commas that are a bit of an eye sore to someone who knows how they're supposed to be used. What's strange about this is that the rest of the chapter doesn't have this problem, for the most part.
There are several instances where it says somebody 'nickered.' I'm willing to bet my teeth that most of those are supposed to say 'snickered,' as in a chuckle of some sort.
At one point, the trainer 'Nearly vomited out his entire stomach,' but I'm pretty sure vomited is supposed to be vomiting.
There's a point where the trainer says he's trying to have a good apostrophe. Given that you/the author are Russian, I can't fault you. But I feel someone should have caught this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but an apostrophe is the comma like symbol in conjunctions like can't or don't. I'm sure you meant to make some grammar related joke, given your surprising vocabulary. I had to look up what soliloquies were.
During the last section, there's a sentence that goes like this: "The early scraps of sunlight bore down upon the verdant fields of Equestria; the sunlight, just peaking over Canterlot mountain," which would flow a little better if you changed the second sunlight to just sun. Try to not use the same word over again if it can be avoided. This can be a little tricky, given there are only a few words that can mean the same thing and sometimes this can't really apply to a situation. You'll have to use your judgment on this. Basically, if it's two paragraphs away from the last time you used a word, or if a word is a focal point you want the reader's attention on, you can use the word again.
There are still a couple of small grammatical errors that you really need a third party editor to fix, like missing words and wrong use of tense. No offense to the translator or the co-author, but it's difficult to error fix your own work.
Now, story related errors:
I can see you're trying to describe the Pokemon world for those who might not know anything about it, and you do a very good job of that. On the flipside, however, you seem to just assume that everybody knows about My Little Pony. Given you're posting it on a pony website, it might seem like an okay shortcut, but it really comes off kind of lazy. The descriptions in the conversation with Spike and Twilight are a little lackluster and seem to go along as if I already understand. One thing you did right here, however, was the jokes made about Twilight being a librarian. This tells us she is a librarian by having the characters say it and not the narrative, which feels a whole lot better to the reader. This is how you should have revealed that Twilight is a pony and Spike is a dragon: have the characters do it.
I find the trainer's maturity level... odd. That isn't to say he isn't well done. There are times when he's incredibly cocky, and that's a good character flaw. But how cocky he is seems to fluctuate too much. Pulling out his log to listen to his own voice was quite strange and out of nowhere. It'd be better if he had made a log right then and there about how awesome he is. Also, his use of swears and mention of Pokebeer really threw me off. The oldest Pokemon trainer in any game is thirteen, and the general world of pokemon friendly to the point of being goofy. I don't fault you for trying to make the trainer more realistic, and for the most part you succeed. I just think the beer was too much, if not the swears.
And... that's it. That's all that's really wrong. Now, let's talk about what you did right:
I must say, I am impressed. Crossovers are difficult to get right or usually they go completely wild. This doesn't blow the situation out of proportion thus far. You've meshed the logic of a trainer meeting a pony really well. The trainer's level of stupidity is handled well to make things interesting a realistic. It's believable, and that's where crossovers truly shine.
The meta-jokes are handled well. Being a pokefanatic, I immediately got the joke about being asked if the trainer was a boy or a girl and busted a gut. I kind of agree with one reviewer that the joke is a little meta, but a little change would make it flow a bit more smoothly. Mentioning the man's age or how easily he's distracted would make the reference. I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. As it is, for it to be meta someone would have to have played the original games. By itself it just seem to be revealing how out of touch the Pokedex's creator is.
One thing I can appreciate is taking an already established concept and making something new out of it. I can't really judge this until I see more of the story, but I like what you did with missingno. To rethink something from the games for a story shows ingenuity. It's always better when writing fanfiction to use something from the source material that to make up your own ideas. One step better is to rework ideas already there. You did that with missingno and I applaud you.
I loved Twilight's and Spike's conversation. Some might say that Twilight and Spike are out of character here, but anyone who does is a little close minded. People... er, ponies change from day to day. While true most of the time we view the characters in their daily lives, we don't see them during all their activities. We don't know what Twilight and Spike do as they're working. Besides that, you bring up an excellent point; where does Twilight get her funds? Back on topic, characters also change from the lessons they've learned. I'd imagine this would take place after "Lesson Zero" and "It's About Time" which would mean Twilight would have considerably unwound. I view this conversation as taking this fact into consideration.
You handle point of view intelligently, which I appreciate so much. If a section starts with Twilight, it's told from Twilight's perspective. I can't tell you how many crossovers I've read where they just let the narrative go all over the place. You keep it with Twilight during her confrontation with the Trainer. Good work.
Speaking of the confrontation, it's very believable. As mentioned before, you use that trainer's cockiness/stupidity to make things interesting and keep the story going. Confrontations like this are much more pleasing to the reader when the character flaws are used but not overly so.
That's all I can really say so far. All in all, this isn't like most generic crossovers. You are actually putting your hearts into it and listening to your reviewers. I can't say I'm eagerly awaiting more given my general dislike of what I refer to as 'literal' crossovers, but I will say I wouldn't mind reading more and hope you don't quit.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer
Oh! One other thing; good use of medium awareness with the chapter's title. I'm not sure how you did it, but it really grabs the reader's attention. Not to mention I'm sure it's a reference to the overall problem of the story. If it is, that is an excellent way to hint at it.
737772
Trust me or not, but it is MOST HELPFUL REVIEW I EVER GOT ON ANY OF MY STORIES! Thank you very much! Althou my english suck hard, i do have editor/co-autor. Believe me, w/o him it woulda've be a MESS. Anyway, Crushric shall fix all these flaws you mentioned/ As for you, go to my page, read my blog and pick your reward. You won't be disappointed
737722
Actually, it is being used in it's original meaning here. See, back in Ye Olden Days, Master denoted male, while Mistress denoted female. No clue how it got changed to mean "Kept Woman", but the original meaning is still used today, if somewhat archaic.
735654
Wait... which game is #5 again? *Ponders* Red/Blue/Yellow is 1, Gold/Silver/Crystal is 2, and Black/White is 7. ...and those are the only games in the series I've ever played. X_x; I only got into B/W because of Team Plasma and the stronger plot.
...and I am STILL annoyed at the lack of a new evolution for Farfetch`D. Where is the love, Devs?
738093
Basically, gen 5 bring nothing new :P Gamefreak's intentions was to restart the series with that generation (that's why learnset of most new pokemons suck btw)
737772
(co-author here)
Thank you kindly, friend. I'll get to editing those write quick.
Notes: To nicker is to l laugh/snicker, however, it's primarily used in that context in US Midwestern and Southern dialects, both of which I speak... kinda. I like it because it mean what it means but is also a rather odd word to the majority of the populace. Your teeth, if you would
An apostrophe is a ' , but it's also when a character speaks to someone who isn't there/cant talk back. IE: when Brutus spoke to Caesar's ghost in "Caesar"; speaking with, say, a pet would also count because they can't talk back. I really love apostrophes, and I love to lampshade them even more.
741731
Wow, this is some really intelligent humor/use of words. I've been writing for ages and these things flew right over my head. I wonder how many other people on this site know this when I don't? Given your use of soliloquies, I shouldn't be surprised you reference 'Ceaser.' Thanks for making me a little smarter.
I feel I should say, however, that you may still want to change the nicker thing. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense now that I know, but keep in mind that some of your readers might not understand that it's a dialect thing. You'll always get way more readers than you get comments even when your story is popular. As unfortunate as it, most people who read your story won't say anything about your story and tell you what the liked or didn't like, but will still rate it. It seems counterproductive to say this and I really don't want to, but the more universal your language, the better.
Keep the apostrophe thing, though. That will certainly make people smarter if they take the time to make it make sense. It also adds a strange amount of depth to the trainer, kind of giving him a Pinkie Pie feeling in that he's not as stupid as you'd first think.
742994
You'll always get way more readers than you get comments
Heh, check number of comments on Dirge of Harmony :) About 7 times more than readers :)
743001
Looks at Dirge of Harmony
Looks at number comments
Sees amount likes
Sees amount of views
Thanks for disproving the basic laws of fanfiction.
Ooook, time to make a comment. Since I see that somebody has made a useful review, I'll try something different...
I've always wondered what the hell are those swimmers doing. They sleep or eat? When you go to those routes at night, they're still there.
I know they can close his mouth, but... that was mean. This trainer seems a bit jerk.
Also, that last line should be in a new paragraph
Missigno. I remember the time I captured it. It corrupted my friggin' game.
Also, does that mean that the pokémon world is a videogame in this fic? The character is not real?
Spike is asking a question, so you should put a question mark. Something like "Does the city pay you for being the librarian? 'Cause I've never seen somepony..." Also, maybe it should be "pay us". After all, Spike works on the library too... well, "works". It seems like they don't exactly "work" there.
As somebody said before me, cute but OOC. I don't know why is exactly OOC, but they doesn't sound like Twilight and Spike. Twilight would roll her eyes and said something like "don't be silly", I think.
The HELL?! Ok, I didn't expect such a phrase just after the OOC-cute scene. That's... hell, that surprised me. Not a bad thing, of course. Just... "sons of whores". Wow.
I was going to make a joke with the Pokebeer ("POKEBEER IS MADE OUT OF POKÉMON! POKEBEER IS MADE OUT OF POKÉMON!") but you did it before. Clever boy.
Bellossom can only be female. But on the other hand, This note can be helpful if you don't know that.
By the way, "Flower Dancer"... wow. This trainer is very imaginative. But I liked "Mr Fish". It's the perfect name for a Gyarados, kinda the ones I use in my games.
I hate that word. It's a perfectly correct word, I know, I just... Gah. "giggle" is okay, but when I read "giggling" I always scream and must drink coffee to calm down. Stupid English grammar.
Oh, by the way, the trainer is right. I've always thought that, in battle, Sweet Scent is useless, but if you could use it in reality, it would be... interesting.
That... that was pretty funny. Lampshade hanging. Clever.
But, yeah, she talks to herself a lot. Just making her remember things or thinking them would work too. It's weird read about somebody who is clearly saying things she already know just for you to know them.
Look out for that.
...
What the...? There is a flower named "bellossom"? Oh my god. If it's a flower from Equestria, then I have nothing to say. If it's a real flower I'LL FUCKING GO TO THE FLOWER-STORE (wow, I don't know the name of a store that sells flowers. I'm awesome) OF MY TOWN AND BUY ONE!
I think you should change that. Repeating "thing", even when you're talking about two different objects, doesn't sound well.
By the way, I've always wondered how tall are the ponies. I mean... "My LITTLE Pony". I see you put them like dogs, I guess it's a good measure. Honestly, If I made a human-in-equestria story, I would have problems with this.
I love this. Twilight just discovered two new species and is starled, but she's able to see the pokéball as if she had been searching for it. I would say something about this, but... she is Twilight. In my headcannon, she can do that.
He's a human with sharp teeth. His mother was a shark. Well, in that case, a Sharpedo.
Indeed.
...
Yeah, I know that this quote is completely unnecesary. Sorry.
JERK.
Come on, Twily. LASER UP THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
I mean... teleport. Yeah, that's more on her character. I guess a light-amplification-by-stimulated-emission-of-radiation-crazy Twilight is a bit OOC. But, man, Rule of Awesome.
That was also very funny. I would do the same in his situation.
DON'T YOU SAY, YOU MORON?!
I know that, given my last comment, this is hypocrite as hell. But, on the other hand, DON'T YOU SAY, YOU MORON?!
You're talking to my #2 favourite pokémon of all time, you jerk. Be careful or I'll... shout to the computer, because I can't do anything more.
Man, being a reader sucks sometimes.
Ok, I already knew that, but this conversation is great. "What are you doing here? I attacked you because you seemed dangerous!" "I-I was picking flowers..."
JEEEEEEEERK.
No, really. I like this part.
...
I fucking hate you.
HA!
By the way, I guess that your use of the Potion (Ultrapotion, maybe?) makes sense. In reality, a pokémon with a broken limb must be usual for a trainer.
Look, I know you're trying to be polite... BUT I FUCKING HATE YOU. PURPLE "THING" YOUR MOTHER!
"My name... is Glitchy".
Aaaand I think that's all. I'm not going to lie: it's funny, but... it can be better. That last scene seemed competely pointless at this moment, I would have waited a few chapters. For now, the entire Missigno situation is weird enough for the readers: putting a bad character so soon is kinda hasty. (I think that's the world, or at least that's what Google says. ALL HAIL GOOGLE).
About the character, I don't know if it's part of his characterization, but I think he's a bit of a jerk. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Sadly, the MLP characters were OOC most of the time. And I'm sorry, but for me, the entire library scene is pointless. You can erase it, and nothing bad happens... and being honest, They were too OOC that time.
But, as always, this is the first chapter. Let's wait a bit, and we'll see the second and third. For now, my advice is simple: Look for the MLP characters, they have reactions very established.
See ya!
EDIT: Ok, I've read The Conflicted Writer's comment, and about the OOC scene... I still think what I've said here. It's true that people change, but these characters have been mostly the same for two seasons. They have a personality, so even with mood changes or something like that, they act like themselves (for example, in the Mare-Do-Well chapter, RD's personality changes a little, but she's still acting like herself).
That scene, the library one, is too OOC: in the show they wouldn't have acted like that.
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Let's begin :)
"I've always wondered what the hell are those swimmers doing. They sleep or eat? When you go to those routes at night, they're still there."
During winter in pokemon black/white too :) These guys have balls of steel!
Missigno. I remember the time I captured it. It corrupted my friggin' game.
Actually, all Missingno. doing is corrupting your hall of fame data :P
'M is another story. It's a missingno. clone and can destroy comp if he is put in here
"Bellossom can only be female. But on the other hand, This note can be helpful if you don't know that."
Bellossom is an evolved form of Gloom. Gloom has 50% gender ratio, so does bellossom.
"They were too OOC that time. "
Well, only in library scene. But i can't erase library scene entirely, cuz i like it and source material have it. But we'll think on remaking it. Thanks for the comment :)
Also, as for sizes: i think ponies are the size of... ponies. My comparison can be seen on cover
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Thanks!
As for me, i love many things, and pokemon and pony are one of my favorite things of my favorite things :D I am a huge pokemon nerd, that's why i decided to take this story
He should have a dragon pokemon.
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He hasnt, although some his pokemon knows dragon type attacks
U needs moar chapters. This is awesome.
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Thanks and no worries, new chapter will be soon :D