• Member Since 9th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 17th, 2013

Stalin the Stallion


Comments ( 8 )

A nice read, although I think you hopped between scenes too much. It was quite difficult to keep up with the sudden jumps. Also I felt the conclusion should have been a little longer, to provide catharsis.

Finally, do you have an editor? Because there were quite a few errors in there. I'd recommend having a reread out-loud to fix them yourself.

Otherwise, I enjoyed it :rainbowkiss: A very nice little one-shot :twilightsmile:

That was really different and imaginative. The scenes went by me a bit faster than I would like, but I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

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Thank YOU for reading it :D

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I have 2 editors, but it's impossible to find all typos right away :D could you help us with pointing those errors out so we can fix them?

I'm afraid I can't really go through and detail every single one, but I remember there being quite a few just in the opening scene.

and with each step camp of soft crinkle of glass.

Cocking a brow, she rapt her hoof on the material.

Rapped*

her eyes wandering all about without aim .

There's a space before the punctuation that shouldn't be there.

They're not difficult to see though, so how TWO editors missed so many is beyond me! :rainbowlaugh:
Or perhaps I'm just turning into a grammar nazi.... :pinkiegasp:

The end seemed a little rushed to me and the.. uh... Hamaderp's (whatever) reaction seemed a bit shallow. Well, I guess her pond was to so it fits. Other than that good story. I am trying to write one as well so I know how hard it can be to get the characters just right, with their reactions and dialogue and everything. So good effort. :twilightsmile:

Also, did anypony else notice this?

The swan glared at her as it swam in its little circles. She noticed that no matter what the swam did, the water beneath it was unaffected, as if the swan was actually floating just above the water.

It says swan, than says swam twice, then goes back to swan. :twilightblush: Hey, it's only one key off and it looks similar, plus when your reading your (at least my mind) automatically corrects little things like that.

Like I said, good effort. Keep working to get even better. :twilightsmile:

Uh.. Hi, hello here is my attempt at reviewing your story, I'm not sure if you meant a opinion review or more grammatical review so... here I go.

The story overall was quite well put together. In general it made sense and I liked the Hemalamadingdong's...(Whatever you called it) reaction to the water spirit's freedom and him returning. I liked how you made the outer desire of her wanting freedom seem shallow and making the pond represent that shallowness. I also enjoyed you gave hints at a inner desire of not being alone due to the lack of freedom. I liked the general reasoning of the story aswell example would be why Twilight believe the water spirit because it couldn't control the vines and such.


I did have a few peeves regarding Applejack's dialogue. She seemed different then I would think and I think AJ wouldn't use the word 'prophetic' it just seems a bit off to me. Twilight overall was well in character and I enjoyed the begining bit of her kinda afraid of the spell. I understand that you used Celestia as a replacement for god but I think some variation in the Oh my celestia's and By Celesita's things would be welcomed. Maybe show some love to Luna?


Overall the grammar and spelling was great. There were a few small ones the most noticible on was.

“Stop this nonsense at one!” Applejack shouted, stomping her forehooves.

I think you meant at once rather then at one. Other then that I saw no noticible faults in the story.


Please remember these are all my opinions and you can take them as serious as you want. As a final thing, I enjoyed the imagery you put in the story even if it seemed a bit rushed at times. I hope you keep writing with this style and I will look forward to your future works.:pinkiehappy:


Signed, Your Humble Reviewer Troutking

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Your welcome. Hey, maybe you could answer a few questions for me? I would like to know how to get the text I quote into one of those boxes. No idea.
I think I am going to answer my own question here, but how do you respond directly to somepony else?

Also, I noticed some of the art you posted on your page and I am impressed. I only have paint here, so anything I do is pretty... well yeah. I am going to do a project soon and I was wondering if you would consider taking my concept and improving on it? Let me know.

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