A long distance communication spell gone wrong has bizarre consequences for a strange being from another dimension and a blue rainbow maned Pegasus named Rainbow Dash.
Chapters (13)
- Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 27th, 2014
Cydon
Quick brain! We need to come up with something to put in this short bio box! Any ideas? No? Well... how about now? Auuuugh! That's it? A Charlie Brown scream? Oh come on! You can do better than that!-
Cydon
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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2130980 I agree.
Wooooo ohio geting some love. LET'S GO!!
A few punctuation errors, but a really great story so far.
I have always liked stories about things like the twin-soul, two twins sharing one soul, and possession. As such stories are not common, I thank you for posting this story. I am enjoying the read.
Having said that, I am still having some trouble telling who is speaking, and how, with regards to Rainbow Dash and Kevin. I suggest using the blue text whenever one of them is not in control of Rainbow's body and making the switch clear in some way. Also, thoughts are typically set-off buy being in italics; as all "speech," written, spoken, or thought, is supposed to be book-ended by double quotes. However, the Inheritance Trilogy is a published series and gets away with not using double quotes around thoughts, so I guess you don't have to use them for thoughts. I still recommend italicizing thoughts, as single quotes are not meant to denote thoughts.
One final suggestion, use capitals when Fluttershy is talking. I can see that you seem to be leaving them out for effect, but improper punctuation and capitalization reflects very poorly on an author. Perhaps changing font size or font type can achieve the same effect? I suppose it is not really necessary as you seem to be not using capital letters in her sentences deliberately.
I don't mean to be overly critical of your writing style. I am enjoying your story and your writing already "flows" well. I just think a good story deserves to look good.
Thank you for your time and your story.
The Smiley Rat
2167173 Okay first I want to say that I'm glad your enjoying it so far, their is not much point in this if no one likes it so thank you. As for who's talking and who is in control at the time, Rainbow is always in control when she is awake the only way Kevin can do anything is when she relaxes to the point where he can or she is unconscious. So when She is awake he uses the amulet to speak but when she isn't he can speak through her. I'll see what I can do to make it clearer.
About the thoughts using italics, I agree that would be a good idea. I don't mind the constructive criticism it helps me make a better story, one that can hopefully look good as well as be good. So I once again thank you for taking the time to point this out to me.
I feel no sadness from this! I have purged the sad emotion from my body when my grandfather passed away... simply put i dont feel sadness but nether the less good chapter
continue
The CMC speech joke was made in the show. I think it would be funnier if Sweetie Bell asked why Scootaloo has not rewritten it yet, and you work the joke from there. Or was this before Babs was made a CMC member. If so, never mind.
But what do I know. I am forbidden from making jokes.
Wouldn't Rainbow Dash look silly in a CMC cape, as she has a cutie mark. Would wearing it at the competition be like a logo on a NASCAR race car? Should I be trying to give constructive criticism this late when I am told I should be asleep?
Thanks for the chapter.
Wow. I was expecting much worse punctuation and grammar. Good job.
And first.
uh......smoke?
Santa clause
Hello again.
I am still enjoying this story, but the "gimmick", I suppose, is loosing its interest. I think now is the time to add some form of conflict to the story.
Unfortunately, I don't really understand how to create conflict in a story, so I can help very little in that regard. What I can suggest is that you add small "sub-arcs," about 2-3 chapters each, that build into a larger arc or the overarching plot it-self. For example, a two chapter expedition to find some thing that twilight might need for returning Kevin home. This would, perhaps, allow for some disagreement between what Kevin desires and what Rainbow is willing to do, or something.
While on that point, I find Kevin to be far more agreeable to his situation than might be reasonable. I would expect that some desire of his would clash with the desires of Rainbow Dash and result in some form of conflict over the use of Rainbow Dash's body; to an extent greater than has yet happened.
I find that, without smaller accomplishments or resolutions, I begin to lose interest and sight of the final goal. The story becomes a meandering plot that never seems to get anywhere. And eventually, I stop reading.
I don't want that to happen here. And I am sorry that I have so little helpful advice to give. I just want this story to improve. I think it has a great deal of potential and is not that common a type of story. I enjoy what I have read so far and eagerly await more.
Signed
The Smiley Rat
2279977 Okay lets see here,
'I am still enjoying this story, but the "gimmick", I suppose, is loosing its interest. I think now is the time to add some form of conflict to the story.'
"Yes it is and I hope the next few chapters will be able to adequately provide that."
'For example, a two chapter expedition to find some thing that twilight might need for returning Kevin home. This would, perhaps, allow for some disagreement between what Kevin desires and what Rainbow is willing to do, or something.'
"I like this idea. 'Maybe if I... no no no... what about?' I get the feeling revisions will need to be done and chapters will be added in the future. Just as soon as I figure out what they will be that is."
'While on that point, I find Kevin to be far more agreeable to his situation than might be reasonable.'
"I guess he did kinda just roll over and accept it didn't he?"
'I would expect that some desire of his would clash with the desires of Rainbow Dash and result in some form of conflict over the use of Rainbow Dash's body; to an extent greater than has yet happened.'
"I now want to write a chapter where he freaks the fuck out about something Rainbow wants to do. The question is what will it be? And why didn't I think of it!"
'And I am sorry that I have so little helpful advice to give. I just want this story to improve. I think it has a great deal of potential and is not that common a type of story. I enjoy what I have read so far and eagerly await more.'
"I consider your advice to be incredibly helpful no matter how little. I want to write a better story for everyone to enjoy, but as a starting author with no real previous experience I have a lot to learn."
So, it looks like I have a great deal more work to do before this story is finished.
Brony on my friend, Cydon out.
P.S. I cannot express how grateful I am for your advice so have a mustache instead.
2280245
Just another thought, you seem to have started a small arc in regards to Kevin's ability to fly.
I think you should use that first. The ability to fly will grant Kevin mobility, especially because he lives on a cloud. The inability to leave or return home on his own is a basic conflict, I think. Most every one wants control of them-self. The ability to go where one wants is a fundamental desire.
Also, thanks for the response.
I see you have improved your writing. Very Good.
Although I question inserting new chapters into the middle of the story, as I almost did not notice you did so. However, the placement seems right, so carry on.
Cutie marks are for suckus.
LoL
An Umbrella.
Cuz otherwise you WOULDN'T have hooves.
Haven't read it, but the premise is alarmingly similar to my story. You even used the same mug shot of RD.
(wrote mine first lol)
2764015 Well would you look at that? The pics are pretty similar. Not the stories though, staying in equestria for this one. Honest.
I'll be checking out yours though, just in case. It sounds suspiciously funny.
2768203 Oops!
Have a moustache dear sir!
Just realized something.
Does this mean I'm not the only person who finds it INCREDIBLY irritating when someone knocks on the door to a public place / business?
Ahem.
2784631
Fixed.
"Really?"
"Okay."
No Fluttershy, I didn't mean to assume-
Please don't cry I'm really sorry!
Really really. Honest!
LETS GET ICECREAM!
Too loud?
*Inhale*
Igottarunbye!
2784865 No shit? You changed it? Damn. Well, that was unexpected. Hey look, someone finally listened to my insane ramblings! I'm relevant!
Did you read that story lol? I actually think it's one of my funnier works. Strange, I never got a notification that you replied to me, just happened across it.
Also, nother question. Ya never answered my previous comment. About people knocking on doors.
2799105 Well I actually tried to find some images of the inside of Fluttershy's house after I saw your comment and from the looks of it she really doesn't have a kitchen. At least none that I could see, I mean she has a stove in the main living area but that seems to be it. EXHIBIT A, We also know that the second floor is where her bedroom is, and who would design a building with a kitchen up there anyway? EXHIBIT B
And since we seem to be on the subject of Fluttershy have a lovely picture someone drew up like a boss. I would credit the artist but I still haven't figured out how the hell anybody can read those little squiggles that are supposed to be a signature.
Unfortunately no I haven't read it. Yet, I plan to at some point though. Just got a lot of things to do recently and I'll get around to it eventually.
Also sorry about not responding but when I saw your comment, I tried to think of an answer, and just drew a blank, I told myself I'd come back later but then I completely forgot. So here is a late response. Personally I've never had anybody knock on the door to a public place / business but I bet it would get old pretty fast if people did. What I do know for certain is that even though Twilight lives in a public library but she still lives there if you know what I mean. Because of that she is still entitled to the same privacy that is given to others homes and the respectful ponies will always and forever have her or Spike answer the door.
I think that's it for now so, later!
2803571 lol yes, I've examined her house too.
But yea, I'm a businessman myself. Nothing bothers me more than someone knocking on my door. It's a business, people, walk the fuck in. Oh and it gets worse. In the dead of Chicago winter, when they open the door, stand in the doorway letting all the frigid cold air in, and ask for permission to enter. People are dumb.
2804002 Sitting at your desk one day as a three distinct knocks come upon the door.
You peer at the door and spy a man shivering in the cold Chicago air. With a sigh you stand up and make your way over to the door (for the uptenth time today) and open it the cold winter air storming its way inside the formerly cozy building. "Please sir, may I come in?" You stare the man in the face for a moment as you ponder a proper response. 
and knocks once more. You throw open the door and give the glare of death hoping to melt this strange traveler.
The man watches as you repeatedly slam your hand into your own face, when you finally stop he smiles and says.
"No." Deciding to promptly slam the door in his face. The man looks about,
"You were just being sarcastic. Right?"
"Gotcha."
(I should probably go to bed but... ponies.)
2804140 lol
I bet the guardians are...
Friendship: King Ghidora
Loyalty: A Dalek
Honesty: Darth Vader
Kindness: The Smooze
Generosity: Bigfoot
Laughter: Robo Patrick
3089818 Lol, that would be awesome.
imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
3092110 Lol, I'm glad you enjoyed it, I've got a idea for the next chapter but unfortunately have little time to work on it. =( On my user page I've created a little box appropriately titled The Project Box, that I will try to update frequently. It has what I'm working on and the progress I've made on it. like I said in the author's note though it will be awhile before the next chapter is done.
so, when is all this 'using her body while she should be sleeping' gonna bite em in the ass? A pony should have to sleep to recover...
Rest in peace.... You were a wonderful story.
and just like that discord deleted his consciousness like someone deleting system 32
i hope discord just put kevin in rainbow's head and let pony's xenophobic tendency do the rest.
This was such a great story really wish it wasn’t dead.
Hey do you guys think pinky perhaps is autistic?
I mean, that could explain a lot...
'Tis a dead one, sire.
At least the author was kind enough to put it "On Hiatus" before abandoning their account. (I do wish that Fimfic would automatically mark stories "Cancelled" if the author hasn't been online for over 5 years.)