sxcbeast
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sxcbeast · 85k words · 572 31 · 7.7k views
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There can never be enough Rarity-centric stories, at least in my humble opinion.
I think you've made two formatting mistakes (font sizing) while typing up Fluttershy's dialogue. It could just be a problem with my phone, though.
Other than that and a few grammar mistakes, this first chapter seems promising.
I'll be keeping an eye on this.
7623497 There was a lot more wrong with it once I looked at it on my phone. I found it much easier to read it there then make the changes as I go along. Should be all done now and Chapter 1 should be good. Going to try and polish up Chapter 2 and have it up tonight!
I can not wait to read more.
7628492 Glad you're enjoying it! Lemme know what you liked about it!
Now I really want to know how long he's been stuck here.
7628855 next chapter!
7628666 I like that it is from Rarity's point of view. Tho this was interesting as well.
7629940 Yeah the majority of discovery and perspective is going to be Rarity, but I really wanted to get that Last scene in somwhere, and the cat-fish, I thought that's be kinda funny.
7630363 I really like that idea a lot.
SMASHING!
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7633349 I blinked three times after I wrote that bit of dialog, not knowing what I just done. Then I was like...'I see what I did there'.
Let me know your other thoughts and feelings it really encourages me to write more, and faster too!
You should recieve more atención, this is a good well written story, ill be following, faved and liked
7647718 First time writer, not gonna expect too much out of the gate. But thanks for the high praise! Glad you enjoying it so far!
Keep up the good work.
Will we find out how long he's been in Equestrian? Or is it going to be kept vague?
7653354 I have plans to reveal a more exact number in the next chapter. Atchmon has been there so long that he's just been going through the motions, so an exact date will be kept vague. Ballpark he does know how long based on seasons changing, ect.
7653473 One of the things that really got me in this chapter was when Atchmon commented on how he's gone so long without talking to anyone else. Really adds weight to how lonely he feels, and to what he was planning on doing to himself.
Another question: will chapter lengths vary greatly? Or are you going to go for a target length for each chapter?
7658361 I'll reveal the 'friend' he has been talking to.
I'm going to try for a consistent 5k per chapter. I could see a couple getting into the 10k range. Maybe I should consider 10k average considering my last 2 chapters. I love dialog, but hate unnecessary descriptive bloat. I'll try to make every paragraph worth reading!
And now I wait
7672356 might be next week for the next chapter. These next ones are my toughest to write, trying to balance comedy and emotion with development.
That is some very not-good characterization.
7689659 Details please.
7691433
Well, in that first chapter, everybody acts more like co-workers who've all had far too little sleep than like a group of friends who have known each other for years. They're all practically at each others' throats. Applejack especially, who in the show is the most level-headed and mature of the Mane 6, is an unrepentant asshole.
If anyone is likely to poke fun at her friends, it would be Rainbow Dash; and even then, the most extreme reaction she'd get would be an eyroll. None of the Mane 6 are likely to yell at their friends because of an accident; the least likely of which is AJ.
7693839 I get how you feel. Starlight is still a new characer/ friend kind of like AJ from Winter Wrap Up, yelling at Twilight for using magic on her farm for example, which I lIke that side of AJ in season 1 when they weren't really close friends at first. I figured she would be the most opposed to the spell.
I've been a bit pulled toward Rarijack shipping. I hoped the tender moment before the castle was enough to highlight that and justify AJ's reaction.
Everypony was kind of having a bad day. I was poking some fun t RBD napping habits figuring she'd be a little cranky if she'd missed one.
7694536
Applejack didn't yell at Twilight. She berated Twilight; and maybe raised her voice a little. Also, she wasn't mad because Twilight used magic. She was mad because Twilight flouted a generations-old Ponyville tradition set into place by her own family.
I don't think that's a good enough reason to make AJ act so OOC. Especially since the clear one at fault for the accident is Rarity herself, who still went and tripped the map's new functionality despite having learned exactly how it worked.
All the more reason why she should have been the one with the highest temper. She's already naturally the most hot-headed of the group, with minor sleep deprivation besides, and to top it all off, is the former bearer of the Element of Loyalty. If anyone should be yelling at Starlight for tangentially endangering her friends, it's RD.
Not that even she should be doing that, none of them really have a penchant for yelling at people for causing accidents.
7694821 In the end it's not going to matter. They're barely going to make %10 of the story. If that. Some of the mane6 will make a reappearance later on, along with spike and the CMC.
7698192
Mischaracterization is a pretty big deal; even if it's only present for 1% of the narrative. It can make or break a story. I'd suggest you edit it, but it's your story, so do what you want.
7698486 I'm pretty happy with it. Not gonna expect much from my first story ever.
This is pretty interesting so far. Can't wait to see where it goes!
7709260 thanks! should have the next chapter up tonight! So glad my work schedule is over!
This story is very good. Keep up the good work. I really want to read more.
7710555 Thanks, glad you're enjoying it! Let me know any other thoughts or feelings you have!
That moment near the end, with it, this is one of the most realistic interpretations to what a human would resort to if trapped in a world like the MLP-verse. Alone, strange creatures and possibly stuck forever, I could see why he was about to take that route.
7710815 Thanks for the comment! Hope you enjoy the rest of the chapters I have up. Let me know how you feel about it!
Hmm, AJ's coming off a little too hard in this chapter but I could believe it as her traditionalist nature racked up a notch or two, to make her reaction after the incident possible or that it's still early along the canon's timeline of Starlight being reformed and thus still not trusted among the rest.
I would ask the narrator to stick to his job and not break narration to have light banter with the audience but there's more chapters after this so it'll be ignored.
That dream sequence, interesting how it reacts to what was happening to her in her sleep, the lurching from being picked up, dropped, then splashed with water and wiped down. Followed by a nightmare, very clever.
So a small cave littered with hash marks and now on a tree, I'm really curious to how exactly did he arrive.
Continuing onward
7711449 I have an excuse for it planned, wasnt sure myself if people would think its funny or not, though the reason won't be revealed until way on down the line. Don't have any other banter written up yet, just kind of make it up as I go along. Don't forget Rarity is thinking and speaking to herself most of the time. So she has a kind of inner-inner voice we don't get to hear.
You'll find out how he got there soon! More details planned in a later chapter!
I always loved the idea of super anti-magic unicorn racist AJ. Plus her suggestion back in the season 5 finale where she asks if they should 'send Starlight on her way' suggest she was leaning towards a harsher punishment for her crimes. Which to me says she may not like Starlight at all, or as much, compared to the others. I guess I didn't do a good job showing how against magic and the spell AJ is.
I love AJ but her down to earth nature and absolute level headedNess gets real boring real quick. I don't know if it's a common idea but I've alway liked thinking some pairings of the Mane cast are closer friends than others. Maybe borderline shipping, or shipping entirely either way. In this case AJ and Rarity are closer friends compared to the others.
I remember long way back, when the fandom was starting and sites like this sprung up for people converse or share stories. One of the most common topics was how we wished we could go there, oh how that's changed. As more of us matured and the series revealed more of the world, we realized something, the odds of our survival alone there is slim, even among civilization we cannot expect nor guarantee a prosperous and happy life.
Humans who are lucky to live happily, are most often blessed by their author's benevolence to receive the convenience of rocky or smooth starts with the world's denezins to then shack up with a main character. Sometimes, they're in the Everfree for a day, week till they stumble upon the exit or a character with little to no lasting trauma.
Here you went and ran your MC's face through the belt sander of life and readied to suicide. He's tasted nothing but the waves of dirt and blood this world could throw to drown him in but now a chance to taste its sweetness presents itself through helping Rarity home.
She did say that she'd return with something to surprise them, what's better than an alien? And I'm eyeing that romance tag and rating with interest.
Liked and fav'd
7712177 I'm just happy so many are enjoying my story! I was a failure in english classes.
Truthfully, I'm just another brony with a story in mind. One that I felt would be interesting enough to pick up the metaphorical pen, and really try to write.
I think my abhorrent consumption of media and entertainment is helping me through this. And Knowing about themes/tropes commonly used, like the 5 stages of grief which I tried to follow in chapter 2 Apex Predators as an example.
Many fics do the same old song and dance, though many are still entertaining despite it. Few try to go beyond that, and those that do usually go way overboard with the themes of drama/blood/death/pain/suicide. I feel the 'rant' in Learning Curve is one such example, I think I could have toned it down a bit, make it a bit more subtle, but currently I can't think of how. I have this constant feeling something is just 'off' about it.
Few MCs ever have the choice to go to this world at the start of their adventure. My question is what if some capable person had that choice, and if so what reason would they have to risk so much?
7712676 Nah, you can keep it at that, for a character whose been alone for years and finally met company, yet rude to the point of grating his already frayed nerves from over the years, he's entitled to letting the dam break.
7698486 Decided to take your advice after a few re-reads. I think I was able to take it from angry to more of an 'annoyed' point of view. Mostly unchanged as far as what happens.
7711317
7712177
Don't assume anything just yet.
Every character should have their flaws. 
7714988 As I said, chance, you've already proven your universe is running on hardcore-mode when Rarity had almost died twice in a span of a day between attacks.
The quality of this story is picking up with each subsequent entry. I hope next chapter doesn't disappoint.
I can not wait till the next chapter. This is my fave human x pony story.
7723545 Makes me happy to know people enjoy my story! Hoping to get the next one up in a week!
7658361 Hadn't heard from ya in awhile, hope you didn't hate the last chapter.