- Member Since 13th Sep, 2019
- offline last seen Tuesday
Shadow Legion
I just started writing my first story May the light guide me on my path and the darkness have my back.(tm)
Shadow Legion
Joined 13th Sep, 2019 ·
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I’ll be putting out another chapter today so be sure to check back in!! (Sorry to go back on my promise but their may be a chance I don't)
Cliches in many obvious place. (Specifically on the displacement, conviniece of the 'knowing the weapons', knowing of mlp and etc.) Regardless of these cliche it does not mean i think this story is bad. Spelling is fine, though grammar (the part between sei and shisai needs work) mostly the character speaking needs work. Overall a decent amount of cliches but not a bad start or story, keep it up.
You have way too many runoff sentences in each and every paragraph.
love it
10706337
Hey thx for tellin me I’m always down to listen if someone finds any problems with what I write and next time can you quote the problem so I know exactly where it is, but again Thank You 🙏
10706333
Cliches are everywhere man no matter how hard you try to avoid them, but don’t worry I plan on making some things on my own that won’t seem cliche, but for the 1st story I want it to be something everyone is familiar with, but thx for the input!
10706351
And I love you my dear reader thx for being one of the first 😉
10706398
Fair enough. I have no gripe with cliches truly (i sometime do it myself if I felt like there are no better methods) I actually quite enjoy some cliches (good guys always winning, mc losing and goes to a training montage) and sometimes does cliche can make the story really good.
Nice chapter, although it could go a little slower. Also please don’t cancel this story. The reason i ask is i like kitsune’s (in equestria) stories but there are so few and almost all of them are canceled on this site. Have a nice day.
Also are there any groups you want your story?
10707272
Alright I'll try to slow things down a bit, and don't worry I don't plan on quitting on this story there have been too many times where I found a good one only to see it was either cancelled or the author hadn't made a chapter in over a year. And i haven't looked for any groups so if you could point some out that'd be great!
10707309
Firs off with to fast i don’t mean upload speed.
Some groups can be:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198651/humans-turned , https://www.fimfiction.net/group/205425/displaced , https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198135/godsdeitiesspirits-and-monsters ,
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/210507/human-turned .
Also I want to ask, would you like to start a group for kitsune(s) in equestria with me?
10707317
Sure man that sounds cool a Kitsune group sounds like a great Idea!
10707330
Ok, I will make one now quick.
Having future knowledge of mlp and being an instant master of your powers/weapons, will cause issues with character growth.
10707330
Ok it is made.
10707336
It's all part of the plan my friend I've thought ahead. (He will lose those memories)
10707331
Hey I joined the group
You know when you re-read your story and fix things only to realize that there was till stuff you missed its real aggravating.
You can add this story to kitsune now to ya know.
10707370
It won't let me for some reason.
10707371
Ok i will do it. In what folder should i do it?
10707373
Hmm put it in fox.
Love it, but you need more commas and smaller paragraphs
10707583
Alright thx for the tip I'll be sure to change some things around. Hope to see you in the comments again!
Love it!
As a new writer myself I recommend to go back occasionally on chapters to look for mistakes yourself. Even though I've reread my own stories multiple times, I still find some spelling errors and missing words. 
Have a follow and fav. Keep going strong.
10707632
Than you my dear shadow, welcome to the Legion. Hope to see you in the comments again!
Loving the story! Bit fast paced but I’m not one to talk. I see this story doing really well, just gotta work on the grammar a bit and the speed. Other than that though, it’s a great start!
Also, if you’re in need of an editor, PM me! I’d be more than happy to help!
I'm loving the story so far. Hope you continue it.
10707777
There absolutely no way I won’t keep this story going.
10707791
Nice. I'm looking forward to it. Have a nice day.
10707933
You too bro 😎
Dude love your story so far. Hope you continue to greatness and maybe have a good snack along the way
This story is a good one.👍
10708797
Thank you friend.
Welcome to the shadows
10708699
Thx and speaking of snacks I just finished some doritos with lunch.
Hello my dear shadows I made a blog post and n whether we wanted Jewels to stay with Shisai or to stay home with those she loves. The Ed it was influenced by 2 responses, a special shout out to Cursebringer and KarasAdamus for their input.
Great chapter! From what I could see there were no spelling errors, at least non that I could see.
The ending felt a bit rushed, it might just have been me reading to fast, or maybe that was what you were going for and next chapter will have more detail?
Nice, but now I wonder if this means that the Elements will be there enemy?☹️
10709208
Only time will tell~~
10709190
I paced myself or tried at least but I'm a fast reader myself so I'd imagine it would seem a lil rushed.
Damn
I guess they really are cruel then again the old man did warn him I say the burn for what they have then also was this intensional as you have cannda made the dark age of the Greeks past in this chapter and the shadows won't shelter any of them
The light will have them all burn for their ignoreness and blindness
Foolish trabalist they rep what have sawn with this
In the cruel world we live in there's but one friend who stand's with you since birth and that is your shadow
10709218
May the light pass judgement onto those who don't follow God's will and the shadows take joy in their destruction.
10709223
Only the blind will fall
Oh shit they dead
I really like the story so far and I am very interested how this will develop in the future. I do have a small piece of advice but I think it was already mentioned. ( This comment 10706337 ) Try and make more variation with the length of the sentences.
I feel like you had too many long sentences here. Having long sentences in itself is no problem, however if they are too close together, or right after another, they slow the reader too much. A good way to avoid this to put some short sentences between the longer ones.
Also I would try to keep spoken sentences shorter. You have to take a breath sometimes.
One example how I would break up sentences:
->
Look I have to get home (now). My friends were killed by the manticore you slayed earlier and I need to tell their families what happened. Is there some way you could help me get there?
I only added some more dots and personally I find that nicer to read. The now I added is optional, I just thought it fitting.
10709397
Nah he didn’t kill anyone you’ll see in the next chapter cuz our boi is a good guy XD.
10709425
Alright thx for the tip bro see ya next time 🤓
this chapter left me confused.
The story is set in a time before the princesses?
because if not, I don't see much sense in the execution of Jewells' mother because if we are talking about an execution it would not be something that could be decided by a popular vote. At most they could decide to kick her out of town but an execution requires approval from a judge or the princesses themselves.
that the citizens of a town vote to execute someone is something that can be given in an independent city, but in a diarchy that would be a decision of the princesses or of someone who enforces their laws
Of course, this is assuming that the equestrian diarchy is similar to the European monarchies, if not, I would like you to clarify it for me.