- Member Since 13th Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2017
olookabee
Hi! I'm a relatively novice writer, and I feel a burning need to write about ponies!
olookabee
Joined 13th Dec, 2015 ·
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What is with the massive amount of blank space at the end?
I thought it was pretty good. Couldn't even tell it was your first fanfic.
(That's a good thing.)
Finger needs to be either paw or claw, depending on which hand he's using.
7.5 / 10 Not Bad
Wow this is really good, as JackRipper said, I couldn't even tell it was your first fanfic.
Just to be a combo-breaker, I could tell it was a first fanfic, but then I'm more experienced a reader than some. There are places that could be expanded upon, such as the opening paragraph; it moves far too quickly, and I feel that the no would benefit from a bit more dialogue/activity leading up to it.
That said, it was enjoyable, an interesting idea, and one that I'd like to see more of. Good job.
But what IS with the white space?
6780856
Thank you! Yea, I don't know how to get rid of that big space.
Do you?
6780935
Thanks!
6781473
Thank you. Yea, I felt when writing that the first paragraph needed more. When I have time, I think I'll fix it.
Finnaly a story that handles marriage well. A story where the pair don't just jump into marriage.
6781588
You probably just hit enter a lot.
Try hitting delete until you get to the end of the story.
Well, there's some formatting issues. When someone is talking, does something and then talks again, you can combine that into one 'paragraph.' If they talk, do things, talk again, do more things, talk some more ... that's when you have to break it all up.
It's a bit short. Discord's a-ha moment is very mature for how he acts vis-a-vis the show and it could be expanded to include a bit of initial resentment or fear beyond the very first thing. HOWEVER! That won't really add anything to the story but length and pushing this Discord more in-line with the show's Discord (which might not be what you're going for). So for as short as it is, I think it's pretty well done. I like how marriage is represented here.
Good job.
I want to see more fluttercord from you, please. That's all I think I need to add to your reviews. You have so much potential and I wanna see it.
6780856 I see many people use 'finger' for Discord. The paw or claw usually replaces the entire hand, but I think it's acceptable to use fingers for his paw and claw. It's used all the time.
Very nice for a first fic.
Sequel?
6782130
Thank you so so much. You actually inspired me to start writing Fluttercord. 'Nuzzle' is one of the best Fluttercord fics that I've read.
6782365
Maybe
6781615
Yea, that was one of the reasons I wanted to write this. I think lots of people today don't really understand how important, or special, marriage really is, and that it's a serious commitment.
Very well written and no mistakes
Your doing wonderfully for your first story 
Just a word of advice, don't change the story because of critics, your story is your own and no one else's so never forget that you control the story 
Again fabulously written 
6782947
Thank you!
6782952
You are most welcome
I'm here if you need me for anything 
Awww. That was cute. When I read the description, I assumed the reason Fluttershy would give would be that he's immortal and she's not, and that getting married would bring them even closer, so it would hurt him even more when she eventually died. That's why I think she's currently NOT being more active with Discord. She's afraid of him being hurt when she dies.
6783003
He he, good guess! But if Discord is immortal (I don't think it's been confirmed on the show yet?), I have a feeling he would give it up to stay with Fluttershy.
6782874
Thank you! Hopefully I'll be writing more soon like you.
Dawww geeze, you flatter me!
6783108
Cools! Take as long as you need to with the writing, and don't stress yourself out too much!
6782099
Thank you! I was trying to represent Discord as more of an immature, slightly selfish child, but willing to change, because he truly loves Fluttershy.
6781490
Thanks for the review! I didn't really want to add an ending that showed how their current relationship was going. Idk, I felt like it would interrupt the tone of the story. But yea, when I have time, I think I might re-write Discord's little ah-ha moment
I like it a lot, but I feel some information regarding their relationship would fit in well at the beginning.
6783684
Thanks for the suggestion!
>>Yeah people have pointed out the flaws already. Always listen to critisim and thank you for some minor inspiration.
6784985
No problem!
Hey, you're on the popular story list! Congrats!
6785565
Really?! Cool!!
Short, sweet, and fairly well done.
Very.
Yes.
Nice! A little rough around the edges, but I really like it! So sweet!
6787125
Thank you
6786688
Thank you!
6787002
Thanks!
6788064
Thank you
It was a sweet story and a good start. I hope to see more. Bravo,
6798276
Thank you!
For a first story, it's pretty good. But it demands a sequel of Fluttershy saying yes. Just saying.
6803285
Ha ha, thanks for the review. :) I still don't know if I'm going to write a sequel though
I like it!
6806370
Thanks!
Short sweet to the point I love it.
Also I love your profile pic olookabee I just find that face histarical
6813863
Thank you!
Aww that was sweet. Sequel?
My one and only critique, MORE!
Very in character and well written, honestly you done great, I'm excited to see what else you'll make.