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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I found the end rather odd. Why is Twilight writing to Celestia?
End seems a bit rushed
This seems vaguely familiar...
This needs an editor quite badly. The idea is fine and the plot points are fine, but it isn't well fleshed out. The whole story feels rushed and sparse, and it's riddled with grammatical errors. I'm trying to find a way to soften this comment so it isn't so negative, because I didn't actually dislike the story, but from a technical standpoint this is just a mess.
Works.
As literature it certainly lacks a bit to be desired, or a lot even.
But it's a hot idea, and it's shortness makes it great for a quick fap. Not a masterpiece but great for what it does.
"I doubt that it will harm her to have it a bit longer."
Twilight: "You want me to make it longer?"
Rarity: "No, that's not what I- ... Yes. That's totally what I meant."
6768789 for metal help? Hahaha
Didn´t needed the part where Rarity looked like a slut, but it is written good, less story than I expected, but then again not many Clopfics, have that much story.
So good work I guess, I´m just not one for that slutty Rarity. However I think someone could even argue about that being slutty behavior or not, I mean her doing it with probably few Stallions every week/month or whatever. I guess I prefer the faithful partner image, or something similar, even in those story.
Good job! This is a great rarity story with sex!
Thanks for sourcing the cover image. </sarcasm>
i know it's wrong, but, after reading this, i wanna see a sequel where they learn Sweetie put a bun in Rarity's oven
6793898 hopefully that is chapter 2
Dear Princess Celestia,
It's working! The spell has taken hold. Just as you commanded, I have let Sweetie Belle assume the incident is her fault. I fear somepony has stolen a march on you though. This shouldn't be a problem. The way I see it, you will prefer a Sweetie Belle with a bit of experience.
Now about the special reward you
promisedmentioned...Could I please have a turn too?Your faithful
(and horny)
Student,
Twilight Sparkle
This was a good read.
6768789
... She realized Rarity was doinking her underage sister and is reporting this to an authority figure because, unlike us, she doesn't reside in the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is the internet?
7017711
Seems odd to go straight to the top. There would be several levels of authority below Celestia who would be capable of handling it.
Edit: heck, Twilight is a princess too. Celestia should be no more capable of handling it than Twilight herself.
gonna be filling up rares on the daily
delete extra 'had to'.
____________
Why does this say complete. When this isn't a complete fic? There are several loose ends left to tie up, the ending was a cliff hanger ending, and the relationship that's started with Sweets and Rares is just stared. This has the markings of a multi-chapter fic. Rather than a one-shot. As a one-shot it lacks resolution.
Good story, just not a complete story.
Well...that was unexpected.....still, that was a pretty hot shower sex scene!
8260785
Reread this. And yeah. The Complete mark needs to go.
It ends with Twilight suspecting Rarity is banging Sweets, and writing to Celestia. Aka, a cliffhanger and hook for a next chapter.
Will you be working on the next part, or giving an actual resolution to this story?
Short n Sweet.ie
Dear princess Celestia,
I think my best friend Rarity is sleeping with her younger sister.
Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I don't see any issues with that, my sister and I do it all the time.
6768866
I agree. The flow is very flat.