- Member Since 23rd Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 6th, 2022
Damocles23
I write what makes me happy. Hope it makes you happy as well!
Damocles23
Joined 23rd Apr, 2012 ·
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I'm betting the surprise is a penis
7452431 The answer will astound you.
Oh, it's nice to finally see something new from you, Damocles. I'll give it a read soon
7452630 Yeah, I had a few stories laying around and I just finished them. I did recently finish my ongoing (BTW, ending is being proofread) so that gave me some free time.
It feels like this story isn't fully complete. There are sentences that seem to just end suddenly and the formatting is really odd.
You repeat a lot of phrases a lot to try to help with the imagery, which isn't bad, but it drones on.
In addition, there are a lot of mistakes. Some of the worst offenders are:
Literally how.
Pretty sure massaging is spelled wrong.
What happened to this sentence?
Knew, also this doesn't explain much, didn't she just get this dick? There would generally be more of an awkward moment beforehand.
I understand the action you're going for here, however this is an awkward way to put it (also grammatically incorrect). When was the towel put on her head? There are a number of ways you can write this better.
Also maybe I missed it but they're in a spa? If Rainbow is in the water, how did Pinkie deepthroat RD if half of her cock is submerged?
Overall the concept isn't bad, the story is alright (though why is Rainbow getting the spa treatment for free?). Personally, I'd like to see more senses explored as well as really working the space that you have. Pinkie's snout pushing up against RD's crotch, play with scents, maybe candles or something. More actions would be good too: squeezing flanks, going into detail about how RD is kissing her, groping Pinkie's body as she's being fucked. Touch plays a huge role in sex, characters should be dynamic as well. It's not all just stick the penis in and we're done, there's more sensations to it. I think you have an understanding of the concept, it's just the execution could be done just a bit better.
Writing is hard, committing to the process is a challenging endeavor. But in the end, it's just horsewords written for enjoyment. ;)
7453826 Thank you, Dude. I fixed some of the mistakes you pointed that out. Like I said, I haven't wrote something like that in a while and I wanted to start out with something simple.
I approve of using 'futa' as a verb.
7454362 Yay!
>a perfect circlel
-circle
Also, why is there a number of lines randomly in bold and italic ? There doesn't seem to be any clear reasons, from what I can tell. It's just a normal 'part' of conversation.
>trying to remeber
-remember
>donât drink
i
that!â
-Something went wrong in the formatting there.
>Itâ feels
-It feels
7455192 gdocs and formatting don't mix really well. Also, thank you for pointing those out.
Perfect charactarisation of pinkie
7706466 Pinkie is my spirit animal. With all that entails.