A somewhat deranged author who likes science and writing stories with way too much dialogue. Recently got it through her thick skull that she was a girl.
Since their birth, the Great Dragon Spike told tales about his brave mother, Twilight Sparkle, stolen from the young dragon by a tragic time spell accident 160 years ago. But now she's back! Her hive of changeling grandkids can't wait to meet her!
A side story to: A Long Life
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This is far too dependent on the reader having already read A Long Life and it suffers terribly for it. The first chapter we have "Twilight is gone forever!" and the very next chapter is from her point of view! I get that you might not want to just copy/paste things from the other story but this would be a bucking fabulous opportunity to show some of those major events from the perspective of the Hive. I imagine that Spike's learning about Twilight's return was well covered but what about when the Hive at large found out? How about showing that from the perspective of one of those little buggers like the first chapter? The Hive doesn't stop existing when it isn't being featured in the original story which gives plenty of potential material without repeating anything and not giving this thing which frankly isn't really a story... it is a quarter of a story... maybe a third. I mean dang if this doesn't fail to engage a new reader! Whoever's perspective you used for the first meeting between Twilight and
Spike's changeling descendantsher grand-lings, this story should have that event from the other perspective. The other side's thoughts and feelings as this major life changing event happened. Instead you skipped to the middle of this story.*EDITED FOR RATING*
*sees cover image*
Hissssss!!! Heretic! Teach him the error of his ways Bookling!
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*flips page*
Yeeees... You feel that burn? Do you repent, misguided one?
Good start. keep it up
Cute start, very cute start. Even if the communal bathroom with no stalls is a bit odd.
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Huh, interesting. Perhaps I'll have the next chapter I write be a midpoint update instead of what is currently planned..
However, you could have phrased your criticism a bit more politely. Frankly, the fact that you said it that way made me less likely to follow your advice.
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It was supposed to be :).
Changelings! Great with community, not so good with privacy.
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Yeah. I have to agree. This chapter came out of knowhere.
At the very least have an authors note suggesting to read the other story.
Ideally, have an introduction chapter or two from the hives point of view.
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Agreeing with these two. Highly suggest additions to, or some sort of prologue inserted before chapter one. This story does not do well standing alone, which a side-story should be able to do. Giving you relevant information that meshes with the flow of the story, putting the setting in place early on, major events that are required to know.
That or a note to not read this without having read the story this shoots off from. Which will cost you readers but the ones who do read won't feel confused or that the story is lower quality than those who've already read the originating material.
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In response to all of your concerns I've written another chapter taking place between the first two published. I may write yet another.
Much better transition.
Oooh, non-linear publishing as a literary technique!
Gonna hafta go read the original story, now. I adore these goofy changelings.
Poor Twilight there are times especially when kids are involved I don't know it there are ever enough chaperones
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You really can't can you?
That is why you have then pack 10 rolls of duct tape each makes keeping the ex-uterus parasites under control simple.
6833436 downside is the legal issues for that. They tend to be nasty and prolonged regardless of the fact you are there spending your money to enjoy yourself still can't ______ the annoying screaming kids..
Twilight really needs to go talk with Luna. After all, who better to help someone with a 200 year time skip than the mare who once went through a 1000 year one?
Also...are the 'kids' biologically Spike's? Or do your changelings reproduce asexually or something?
6861026 Luna would come in handy, but she's both busy and freaking out over AJ right now. Don't worry, she'll figure it out yet.
As for the exact biological nature of Spike's kids, You'll have to wait and see!
Cute little touch, that.
I know I am.
I was lol to my self at work after read this, spike say he need them out so he can get some is funny, twilight have to deal with the movie person is funny......
I always love touches of linguistic humour like that.
...though I do wish the story hadn't been so eager to assume Equestria would develop words like "laptop" and "email" despite the presence of magic and their lack of laps providing very different driving forces for their technological development. It's quite immersion-breaking. At the very least, they'd probably have an "aethernet" rather than an "Internet".