Sweet Fang

by OnyxFang

Problems

Sweetie Bell walked out of the house feeling weird. She had seen something.Sweetie was confused of what it was. Rarity had also been acting very jumpy and weird. She had made small talk but her voice seemed strained as she said it. "Wonder why?" Sweetie thought.

Walking through the town to school she pondered what had happened last night. It had definitely happened as there were bite marks on her back leg. Weirdly, Rarity hadn't asked about them either. "Hopefully that means the other crusaders won't ask anything either," she hoped.

Sweetie turned the corner to see to figures in her way. It was Derpy and Rarity talking. "What a strange sight,"

She carefully sneaked around the figures, begging not to be noticed. They were talking in an alleyway, so they must be discussing something secret.

---

"Sweetie Bell!" Yelled Apple Bloom in Sweetie Bells ear,"Earth to Sweetie Bell!"

"Huh," Sweetie awoke from her daze. She had been listening Apple Bloom and Scootaloo arguing who was the better athlete, Applejack or Rainbow Dash.

"Sweetie Bell, are you gonna sleep through next class too," Scootaloo said, rolling her at Sweetie Bell.

"No, sorry girls. I didn't sleep well last night," Sweetie yawned to prove it.

"I can't wait till midnight!" Scoots burst out.

"Yeah, me neither," Apple Bloom sighed.

"What're we doing at midnight?" The unicorn questioned.

"Becoming vampires," said Scootaloo, sarcastically, "no, remember the invitation to the society of Ponyville."

"Maybe," Sweetie Bell sighed sleepily, remembering the invitation.

"Well their meeting is on tonight at midnight!" Apple Bloom finished.

"Oh shit, I completely forgot about the midnight feast we were invited to in the craziness of last night," Sweetie realized.

"So are you still coming?" They asked at the same time.

"Maybe," Sweetie Bell started to walk away from the table.

"Where are you going?" Scootaloo called.

"To think," Sweetie replied, picking up the pace.

---

Sweetie Bell left for Fluttershys cottage straight when the bell went. The cottage was a sweet little house on the outskirts of the town. Walking over the bridge Sweetie thought about what they were going to do there.

Reaching the door Sweetie Bell knocked.

"Come in," Flutters answered quietly from the other side of the door. Sweetie opened the door and strolled in, trying to pretend calm while she was shaking on the inside.

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

Try to show more and tell less. Describe things instead of just saying they happened. Sweetie Belle is walking in the woods, gets attacked, gets saved, presumeably gets vampire'd, goes to bed, gets up, spots Rarity and Derpy talking, goes to school, and goes to Fluttershy's house. That's at least four scenes involving seven named characters and you go through them in 1300 words.

Also, the swearing. Definitely out of character for Sweetie.

[OnyxFang]

6504115 I will try to do that in the future for this story. If you look at my newest story I have myself included more description. Also about the swearing thing, when I create stories I do tend to use coarse language as I myself have come accustomed to swearing on a daily basis so that do tend to use that language in my stories, this story was rejected at first because I had to change it to a teen rating. So if you don't like coarse language, remember this was rated teen.

Thanks, Onyx Fang

[Aero_]

should've added more, but it was pretty good though.

[OnyxFang]

6505904

It isn't finished yet